I have never been so unhappy

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry me again, posting about the same old rubbish. Don't know how I have got in such a mess. Just to remind split from X of 20 years, NC for months. We have some how got to the situation where he stays here several nights of the week and every weekend. Our relationship is much improved but there are still big issues with his drinking and odd behaviour sometimes. Will just runaway to his little pad if things get too much for him.

I was OLD but not seeing anyone else atm, I would feel guilty. I am in such a mess moneywise just feel I am going to drown, and just totally adrift, the only thing keeping on the straight and narrow is DS, I just can't see a point in anything, feeling really hopeless, I have to say I have never felt so low in my life and just don't know how to even start getting myself out of this. Don't really know why I am posting but just needed to vent I suppose. Kick up the ass maybe

Just had text from FW, he wants to take DS away for next weekend with "mutual friends" all arranged last night. I thought these people were my friends, FFS he does not even like the bloke. I am so upset I could cry

If you reply, 'great, that solves a child care problem.' I bet it will fall through quicker than you can ping an elastic band.

What may well be happening is that x has tried to stop you getting support from these friends AND they think as he is mentally ill/allegedly vulnerable due to his own actions then they need to 'rescue' him. You know, the same sort of impulse that has been getting you into trouble. It may be that x freeloads off them for a bit and it will take the heat off you. I also bet that he is playing the 'father missing his son' card. You may find it useful to mention to friend stuff about x giving son drugs etc and can she police that please. It may keep your son safer.

I'd play it canny, not confide in them and see how it goes with Slim for a few dates. Give it four more dates and you will know if it is likely to grow. Just have fun. hugs x

I feel betrayed by them all, not sure why she is so keen to have him down there, and he knows how much her friendship means but I will not be contacting her again. Top it all it is mt birthday weekend, nice.

I think that you definitely need to contact friend and tell them that they need to keep son safe from DH because he's been allowing (or facilitating?) him to smoke weed.

I would also plan something nice to do on your birthday and go out in the evening - that is unless you want DS there and invite friends over because its your birthday (excluding P of course).

mistle she know already as I have told her, she also knows the horrible things he has done. Maybe I am being emotional but just wonder why they would organise this cosy weekend excluding me on my Birthday weekend.

Has she remembered its your birthday weekend?

She knows

So does FW

Blossom - x may be playing your friends. I'd keep it cool for now, but while he's leeching off them he is less likely to try and leech off you.

It's another part of the loss of the relationship, which is easy to type but smarts like savlon on a graze. Big hugs.

I do not feel cool, I an angry, hurt and betrayed. Very strange part of his text where he could not wait to tell me about his little weekend away, was he did not discuss my affairs with them, what affairs is that then?

He is saying, 'I don't talk about what you do so you can't talk about I do.'

Talk about him as much as you like to your friends. You could ask them to persuade him to hand over the money he owes.

I think that when relationships break up there is a massive fallout and all the friends are affected. People on here would be able to put it better than me, but there is a tremor. People worry if their relationships could falter if yours could. People will project their own experiences onto what is happening to you - especially if they are in unhappy relationships.

I seriously suspect that your x has played them and they feel the need to 'rescue' him, but that doesn't stop the hurt. I guess that he gets these friends in the split, if only to stop you getting them.

hugs x

Since the split 6 months ago, I have become much close to this friend, have know her for 14 years. I think you are right about wanting to rescue him, I hate him today, as I think this is a deliberate act to ruin things for his own selfish gain. I am not sure I trust him with DS but unlikely DS would like to go.

Remember you describing last autumn how FW has often made you feel lonely, worthless, disliked - all projecting of course - well here he is again, trying to squish you. He isn't above using others whether your own DM or friends. He doesn't like the friend's H surprise, surprise! Probably gets a kick out of beng Mr Understanding Nice Guy.

What I think you should do is have something to occupy your thoughts so when you're not busy you don't fall prey to his attempted brainwashing. I recall you saying you love ice-skating, maybe that's a bit tricky. It doesn't have to lead to anything, but it blots him out. Say, 'Project France' - you can fill a scrapbook, do research - do you speak French? Don't give him head space.

In case that sounds bonkers I only used France as an example because you have expresased a dream of living there.

donkey the though he is doing this deliberately makes me so angry and sick. I have supported him a lot these past few months and this is my reward, back stabbing bastard. Yes I have studied French. I need to find away to keep busy. On a good note work is going really well.

Just read whole thread Blossom...I can so relate albeit I think you're a month or so ahead of me...

XP left DS and I at Easter, renting nearby but spent many nights here. Took me til w/end just passed to come to my senses (found he's on POF and arranging meets while still in my bed!). Effectively NC, have changed phone number and not shared with him (he can email me re DS), I've deleted his number etc. good luck to you...

Yes he is a back stabbing bastard. He's done this deliberately, and he is deliberately 'using' your friend because she's nice. Of course he doesn't 'want' to go away for the weekend with them, but the point is that he's managed to wangle an invitation on YOUR birthday weekend and with YOUR friend, and now he's rubbing salt into the wound just in case it doesn't hurt enough.

Make this the line in the sand. Say 'no more'.

You are right mistle I actually pissed of with her. What is her motivation.

mum4f sorry you have been through this, what a heartless bastard. Sounds like he was wanting cake and eat it, bet he comes crawling back. My XP has spent so many nights, weekends, I thought he needed support. Such a kick in the teeth, but in his simple mind he has done noting wrong and acting bemused as to why I am pissed of with him. Dick

Once again, P is dodging the blame and it is all going on your friend. You don't know how much emotional blackmail he put her under to arrange this. You've withdrawn your care and support so he's getting back at you by finding some in the place where it is most likely to hurt you.

He said she was insistent he went away with them, and if I would allow it DS could go soon. I actually don't want to talk with any of them, he is a back stabbing selfish depressed prick and she I just plain disappointed.

Right, playing devil's advocate.

Friend to her DH: Poor Blossom, FW just can't help himself behaving like a prick. He's done a right number on her of late, it's her birthday coming up too.
DH: Why not ask him to come away with us, give her a break, I can probably stand FW for 48 hours.
Friend: Oh brilliant, let's give her a rare break from FW. Maybe invite their DS along too.

Of course he said that.... He wants to stab you in the back as much as possible. How dare you not be looking after him and pandering to his every whim?

Friend: Hey FW, what are you doing at the weekend?
FW: Well, er, (long rambling inconsequential guff)... and it's Blossom's birthday.
Friend: (hastily) Oh we were thinking maybe you'd like to come away with us, bring DS too as company for our DS, it'll be a laugh, do say yes.
Friend's DH, (glumly): Yes. What DW said.

I am no expert, I only started posting as I could talk about antidepressants. However what I think about this is that he is still draining you. This drama is draining you of joy and knackering your birthday. It is still all about him

This is the bit that is easier to type than do - forget about it. Your friends may have been treacherous or they may have been played. The actual effect in the real world doesn't matter. x is still using it as an excuse to text you, you are still getting sucked into his dramas and you know that sadly you cannot trust these friends with details about the split.

My suggestions are:

Don't bother replying to x and don't waste headspace wondering about him if you can help it.

Don't get sucked into your friends' buying into the drama. You cannot know at this moment what happened and any speculation will just drain you of joy and energy

Realise that your x is only fit to substitute as toilet paper and it would be a poor substitution

Have a play with Slim, and if it doesn't work then find someone else.

tbh I think if you could put the energy that your x is draining from you into work or Slim (or someone like Slim but chunkier) you would have a lot better life. You can't turn the drain off just by snapping your fingers but it is worth keeping that in mind - you need to keep your energy for yourself and your son.

Loads of NABS there (new age bullshit) but I hope it is a help. hugs. It isn't nice to feel so betrayed.

Oh he would have been all sweetness and light, such as smarmy bastard when he wants to be, can't believe she fell for it she know what an absolute dick he has been to me and son. As I say will not be contacting her anytime soon. Just has a call from Counsellor I saw a month or so, she thinks I am doing so well. Long convo but good and uplifting