I have never been so unhappy

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry me again, posting about the same old rubbish. Don't know how I have got in such a mess. Just to remind split from X of 20 years, NC for months. We have some how got to the situation where he stays here several nights of the week and every weekend. Our relationship is much improved but there are still big issues with his drinking and odd behaviour sometimes. Will just runaway to his little pad if things get too much for him.

I was OLD but not seeing anyone else atm, I would feel guilty. I am in such a mess moneywise just feel I am going to drown, and just totally adrift, the only thing keeping on the straight and narrow is DS, I just can't see a point in anything, feeling really hopeless, I have to say I have never felt so low in my life and just don't know how to even start getting myself out of this. Don't really know why I am posting but just needed to vent I suppose. Kick up the ass maybe

Your ex sounds a right numpty too, Mum4Fergus, onwards and upwards without him

Blossom - keep going, keep thinking of the pink rhinoceros, keep imagining lewd things with your favourite film star - hugs!

I am sad that normally tonight friend would pop over for glass of wine. hey ho.

hugs hugs hugs

Try and stay strong!

Just had huge argument with FW, I know i know, now in tears. He called me. Shamefully I let rip. Told him his actions are appaling, apparentely it my fault he drinks and drives, acts strangely as he I am manipulative and make him do things he does not want to do. I make him feel guilty all the time so he says. I love you he said but cannot live with you. To which I replied I never fucking asked you "f*g C**T I hate him right now. Said he will not go to weekend as does not want to ruin my friendship, too fucking late. And breathe

Wow.

Take five minutes, have a good cry.

Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs

He's still waiting for you to beg him to come back.

btw you may be in tears but he must be really scared. The world is a big, cold place if you are used to being looked after and that care isn't there anymore. It's even harder when you are doing all you can to avoid realising that it is all your own fault.

Pink rhinoceros, pink rhinoceros, pink rhinoceros...

I am donkey, I am so sad but also angry, luckily DS not here to witness as I am a mess. Even brought up the texting thing, I told he was trying to make me jealous, he denied it even though he handed me the phone with open message about a date and he had told me he was offered sex only a few weeks ago. Now apparently she is client and is 58 years old and was saying it because he was hurt. But thought he did not care, such contradictions. My head is a mess.

Thanks Donkey...Blossom,your last post is so spooky. It's my fault ex drinks too, and I'm too controlling, and fat, and have no friends...can't understand why he hung around for 7 years now I think about it!!!!

mum4 he sounds like a complete tosser. I was with FW for 20 years, he is deluded cannot accept responsibilty for anything. I could just not believe the shit he just came out with. Ah yes I am a control freak too, silly me paying the mortgage, bills, whilst he pissed his money up against the wall, a drug habit I have just found out about. If it was not so tragic it would be laughable.

As many posters have said it's the half way of living with you that means you wont move on and as you say keeps you in limbo.

Lives apart and has a new relationship or just sees DS - you aren't together.
Lives with you all the time and you try again - you are together.

Where you are now is a nowhere place and it's going to be confusing for everyone involved. It's going to confuse DS who wont know if you are together or not.

Blossom, that was yesterday. Today's a new day, put all of the angst of yesterday behind you and move forward.

You know in your heart that all you will get from him is lies and blame and more heartache. You know its not your fault, that is all that matters. You're not going to convince him otherwise, and you won't 'win' any argument with him. So don't try.

Make a new life for yourself and a secure future for you and DS. You know that you can't rely on P to help you with that. And I know that you're strong enough to do it yourself. In fact, without him dragging you down and backwards, you will succeed more easily than you would have done. I know its not the future you had planned out, but you can make it a good one.

mistle thanks . I am feeling better this morning, had a very long deep sleep. I have sent a very polite text to FW saying thanks for the offer but I have asked someone else to do the lawns, (by chance met an old friend in the pub the other night whose job is doing gardens) and asked for money asap. He has told my friend that he is not going down for the weekend, said he was insensitvie and did not sit right with him. Had a text from friend confirming that, funny it seems like it was him suggesting going down not the other way around. Not replied yet, need to think about that.
Yes lies I get in handful, trouble is he is not that bright keep tripping up. FW has said all I do is make him feel guilty when we were tog and he does all these strange things because I make him. Oh well.
I was told yesterday by my counsellor that I was an amazingly strong woman, and have coped with far more than most people could ever cope with. It made me . She said to keep reminding myself that when FW says again ignore he is a very very sick person. They also think that the police may report FW drink and driving to the police, as a result of my call. Sorry for epic post.

Epic posts are fine, it's your thread.

You're emerging from a twenty year relationship, it was never going to be a quick process. Your personality and warmth shine through, you deserve a big chunk of calm and good fortune now! Alas you-know-who is a big unwelcome fly in the ointment but as he's unlikely to transform, you have to change your responses, put some barriers up.

donkey Despite all he has done I still have feelings for him, wish I could just turn off a tap. Barriers yes but find it so hard. Think I must have Masochistic tendencies, I give him a chance, he takes what he needs and then hurts me, what a horrible cycle to be in. Tues was typical example. Least I was tough and chucked him. But apparently he hates to see me upset.

Well date number 3 with mr Slim, was really nice and he seems really keen, kind of growing on me. Had lots of texts from FW saying he loves me but not in love with me last night, this made me more determined to go out today, glad I did.

Mr Slim still in the picture then.

It's your birthday next weekend isn't it, have you arranged anything?

donkey yes, he is very keen. Get a text every morning, he seems shy which is a shame as I am also, things going very slowly. Birthday is on the 8th, not much planned yet, my friend and exchanged texts yesterday she wants to do something. I am still irked about the FW weekend invite thing but don't think it is worth loosing a valuable friendship.

Just thinking about just DS and I going on holiday as we both need a break, but thought of going alone makes me feel sick and anxious.

Why does it make you feel anxious - what sort of things do you and DS enjoy doing together, I wonder whether we might be able to suggest something appropriate between us.

I don't know but it does, we like swimming, bike riding, eating out, shopping, DS loves fishing he great isn't he?. I need something to look forward to, was chatting my mr slim yesterday and said this is the first I have not been away. I used to love planning holidays.

So, are you a Centre Parks sort of family, or as far away from Centre Parks as you can possibly get sort of family?

Been to Centre parc loads, am very near longleat. Would like to go abroad, also have a problem with FW pets, his chickens and dog. have asked him loads of times to sort it but as he has run away from all his responsibilties no chance there. I am desparate for money this week and he owes me loads, not paid anything in 4 months have to maintain NC

Dog costs quite a bit to feed - let alone all the rest of it - if you don't want the dog, can you give him an ultimatum? Or simply take it round and give it to him (or take DS1 round with you to hand dog over). Chickens - any neighbour looking for new hens?

If you booked a short city break or something would DS appreciate that - or perhaps take the easy route this first time and book a short break somewhere where you know what to expect and know what's there and that you'll all have plenty to do?