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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have never been so unhappy

504 replies

Blossomflowers · 05/06/2014 16:40

Sorry me again, posting about the same old rubbish. Don't know how I have got in such a mess. Just to remind split from X of 20 years, NC for months. We have some how got to the situation where he stays here several nights of the week and every weekend. Our relationship is much improved but there are still big issues with his drinking and odd behaviour sometimes. Will just runaway to his little pad if things get too much for him.

I was OLD but not seeing anyone else atm, I would feel guilty. I am in such a mess moneywise just feel I am going to drown, and just totally adrift, the only thing keeping on the straight and narrow is DS, I just can't see a point in anything, feeling really hopeless, I have to say I have never felt so low in my life and just don't know how to even start getting myself out of this. Don't really know why I am posting but just needed to vent I suppose. Kick up the ass maybe

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/07/2014 11:55

Hope I wasn't being tactless, obviously you are counting pennies and pounds and have to rank certain outgoings as priorities.

Went to a market yesterday, the sun was shining, everyone in a good mood, no clock-watching - said to my DSis this is like being abroad! You don't have to go far to have a good time.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 07/07/2014 12:18

donkey Not at all, wish the weather could be more consistent in the UK, quite chilly and raining here in the SW. France sounds ideal if I can make it happen.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/07/2014 09:13

Flowers Good morning Blossom happy birthday Cake Smile

mistlethrush · 08/07/2014 09:15

Happy Birthday Blossom ! ThanksCakeWine

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 08/07/2014 09:54

Thanks, taking the day off, working is banned on birthdays. Had loads of nice texts this morning, gave me a boost. Going to a show tomorrow night, lunch date on Thursday and around to my friends for dinner on Thursday, Nice to be busy.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 08/07/2014 10:04

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/07/2014 10:06

That sounds very nice Blossom Envy

mistlethrush · 08/07/2014 10:52

I would like the day off today. I think I would spend it either in the garden trying to get on top of some of the things that have slipped or out in the Dales walking with the dog (probably the latter actually!).

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/07/2014 09:33

Stupidly spent day with FW, ( I know I am an idiot) was lovely actually , whilst down by the seaside he suggested we stay over in BB but told him it was not practical..All went pear shaped when we got back had some flowers left by my friend, he just turned on me as he thought they were from a new man, I said why do you care. Stormed out whilst I sat there crying like a fucking idiot. Got a great text this morning, saying the reason he left was nothing to do with the flowers, he just does not fancy me and has not done so for a long time. And the reason he wanted to spend birthday with me as he felt sorry for me. Nice Please give me a big slap right now.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 09/07/2014 09:41

Have a hug, an elastic band and a picture of a pink rhinoceros.

Of course it was over the flowers. However he can't show you have an effect on him as that would lessen an ego the size of the US national debt.

AND WELL DONE THAT YOU DIDN'T STAY OVER. He was hoping to get you to commit more to him and you didn't. Dodged a hit there!

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/07/2014 09:47

Why do I keep allowing him to get close and then kick me in the teeth, he is punishing me for sleeping with someone else after we split in December I know.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/07/2014 10:02

Oh dear Blossom prize arse spoils your day again. Have to say if you play with fire, use fire retardant gloves. Come on lovely lady onwards and upwards.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/07/2014 10:14

I know I know, I am a fool. We had such a lovely day and he has completely trashed it. He is so very spiteful.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 09/07/2014 10:16

I think that you have spent years and years and years and years looking after him. You have had years of 'training' to put him first, to listen to him, to have him in your life. You loved him once. He was not always this bad.

It is seriously, seriously hard to break away from this so don't give up and feel bad that it hasn't worked, just keep going. It's like giving up cigarettes - it isn't easy. All you can do is keep trying and never give up giving up.

How long do you think you will be able to go without contacting him or replying to his emails and texts? Why don't you try timing it and then look to beat the previous record.

And give yourself credit - you didn't stay over. The 'old' familiar him is comfortable, comforting and safe. It would have been really easy.

hugs

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/07/2014 10:36

Thanks lisa. I feel so down today, thought he could have behaved decently on my birthday but seems all about him again.What a horrible thing to text that he does not fancy me anymore, so why all the jealousy? accusations of flirting sleeping with gardner friend. None of it makes sense

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/07/2014 10:47

When he trots out that spiteful stuff in future think to yourself Liar liar pants on fire...

It was a shock to his system and a major blow to his ego when you gave him his marching orders. Blossom he says one thing but it would not bother him in the slightest if he felt indifferent or averse to you. He cannot stand the idea you outgrew him. He denied you intimacy for a long time - until you were being er, courted by others! Like a thwarted teen he claims not to find you attractive or desirable - all together now: he would say that, wouldn't he.

Reducing you to tears, making insulting remarks, the man feels the big I Am by manipulating and undermining you. What a hero.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/07/2014 10:49

And breathe. ..

So you'll be going to see a show tonight?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/07/2014 11:04

Thanks donkey you put it so better than I, I know it is not true but it still hurts as designed I suppose. As you say why all the jealousy if he saw me just as a friend as he says. I cringe to admit we had sex only last Saturday, I feel so cheap.

On a positive note yes going to a show tonight, should be fun. I have asked FW to have DS for the night as could be back late but he has just accused me of going off with someone tonight, saying I don't waste anytime, wtaf.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/07/2014 11:36

FW just called and starting shouting down the phone that he does not give a fuck, and I need to move on. Does not care who I see what I do.Asked why he is so jealous and went a bit mental. I put the phone down on him and sent a text that when he is able to talk like a normal person I am happy to listen. Twat!

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/07/2014 12:55

Right well having sex with the man you lived with for so long is as much about familiarity and habit as it was for comfort. So "cheap" hardly applies.

You don't need to answer this but were you entirely sober? I bet not.

The toxic stuff that makes addiction so easy to fall into gives a powerful but fleeting buzz, you tell yourself just one more... but so it continues.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/07/2014 13:07

No donkey was right pissed up, lol.

Just got another text form FW , saying he had calmed down and do I want him to have DS to stay, am ignoring, not even an apology, the dick. Have asked my friend to be contact for DS if a problem.He is 14 after all.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/07/2014 13:42

Was clumsily trying to say ex is a bit like an addiction. It is easy for us to advise go nc. In truth I don't know how possible it is to blank the father of your child altogether but DS is 14 so you must be close to leaving contact to your boy and dropped communication.

Well done not responding to the last message. Ignore the bait.

Maybe like they used to say during petrol rationing "Is your journey really necessary? " think about when ex texts or rings - ie is a response really required?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/07/2014 14:19

Still not responded, it is the total arrogance, like he is doing me favour, last text was about DS but in a round about way asking if I was staying the out. He has calmed down indeed, selfish git, he trashed my birthday but he is the one that has calmed down. I am still livid and upset.
Trouble with DS and FW they are hopeless at making arrangements, DS brain elswhere

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/07/2014 14:25

Oh and he has sent the same message 3 times, over past few hours???? So lazy can't be assed to write something, he has about as much respect for me as something you might tread on. Keeping strong so far

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 09/07/2014 14:25

But its not your place to make sure that DS has a relationship with his father - its his father's job and it doesn't have to involve you now that DS is 14 and has a phone that FW can text or ring.

I'm really sorry he spoilt your birthday - although, you must pat yourself on the back for not staying in a B&B. That's probably what made him annoyed and therefore wanted to take it out on you.