Graham Norton's answer on his "advice" page in the Telegraph

[SauceForTheGander]

I'm just catching up on the weekend's papers & read this - and posting here as it's not dissimilar to threads started in Relationships.

Q: Dear Graham
I strongly suspect my husband is looking at pornography on his computer, and I don’t know how to approach him about it. He seems to look at it at any opportunity: when I am watching my favourite programmes, or I go out. He says he is doing his photos (he is an amateur photographer) but I know he isn’t. If I go upstairs there is a lot of shuffling about (this also happens if I open the front door having been out). I have tried creeping up the stairs to see what he is doing, but they creak too much. I have obviously thought of asking him directly, but I feel he will not admit it and I am not computer literate so I don’t know how to prove it. Have you any suggestions? You may say this is something a lot of men do, but I don’t like him doing it. I have even thought of buying a spy camera, which really shouldn’t even enter my head.
Poppy,
Buckinghamshire

Here's Graham's answer

A: Dear Poppy
No man is especially proud of looking at porn but in terms of bad behaviour in a relationship I think we can all agree that it ranks fairly low. I understand that there are questions of morality when it comes to the production of these films but then you probably wear make-up that has been tested on animals. The modern world is a moral minefield and we must all tread carefully.
There are some questions you must ask yourself. Is your husband paying you less sexual attention than you’d like? If the answer is yes then you have a right to comment on his computer-based activities because you would rather he focus his attentions on you. If, as I suspect, the answer is no, then you may just have to accept that you have married a man with a sex drive considerably greater than yours. Deny him his online fun and I wonder where he might go next? A lot of women bestow on men an emotional depth that we don’t possess. This has nothing to do with you or your relationship. It is very basic. Part of his pleasure may lie in the fact that it’s secret. Try to forgive his weakness and see his inept attempts to hide his clandestine internet activities as somehow sweet. By the way, if you really are completely computer illiterate, good luck operating that spy camera!

Poppy - I doubt you're mumsnetter - but I wish you were. I wish you'd come to the relationships section and talked to us first.

Any other Poppy's out there? Graham is talking utter bollocks. Looking at porn constantly (if that's what her DH is actually doing) is not "sweet"

This was in the telegraph FFS. I don't think he should be allowed to give out advice - I hope Poppy hasn't followed it.

I love the "I watch porn it's done me no harm"

It has. It's made you oblivious the realities of the porn industry. You've been brainwashed and you don't even see it.

The first time I saw Graham Norton, he was Riverdancing in a caravan; so I wouldn't take his relationship advice too seriously.

His sense of humour though, I do like.

John
It doesn't turn them on
Are you really that naive.

They prefer to wank in the shower/bath
Yeah of course....Water, soap gets everywhere. A bit like sex in the shower, the idea is nice but the reality is just a lot of hassle.

They find it frustrating when they're single and who needs it when they're in a relationship?
Again you believe SINGLE men don't watch porn because it's 'frustrating'.
In a relationship masturbating and sex are two different things.

They feel uncomfortable with the porn industry since they've had a DD
What they mean is they have become a bit more selective with the porn they watch.

Sauce I'm not defending/attacking the porn industry, but mentioning ALL men who use the internet and in good health watch porn.
A single man will probably watch porn 3-4 times a week and a man living with his partner probably 1-3 times a month.

"A single man will probably watch porn 3-4 times a week and a man living with his partner probably 1-3 times a month."

Then those men are watching women being raped.

And their search results will have thrown up titles which include the words "whore" and "slut"

arsenal why do you believe that you speak for all men?

I don't speak for all women.

What is it that gives you that confidence & belief that you speak for and know all men?

Arsenal through watching porn you are defending the poem industry.

Same as casual drug use lines the pockets of the most heinous ruthless drug dealer. The casual, does no harm porn user is lining the pockets of the porn producer who targets the youngest most vulnerable girls who are about to turn 18. The porn industry grooms.

Again arsenal I ask - why why why does the your assertion that all men use porn make it fucking well ok? Even if that were true IT ISN'T why does that even mean porn is fine? Do you think we should all bow down and say "wow, if all men do it then why the hell are we even questioning the almighty fucking male and his erection rights"

Some women watch porn. Some even think it's a feminist decision. It doesn't change my mind.

So even if your argument that all men watch porn is bang on the money - I still think it's a shit defense for grooming and rape and manipulation and misogyny & VAWG.

I love how my auto correct changes porn to poem -

Apologies though for any confusion

"your assertion that all men use porn make it fucking well ok? "

Yy - "all whites" used to think they were right to sit at the front of the bus. "All aristocrats" used to think their servants only deserved half a day off a week. "All monarchs" used to be able to behead people.

"Lots of people do it, therefore it's ok" has got to be the laziest, stupidest, most monumentally embarrassing argument ever.

Lots of people thought slavery was ok. Ditto Nazism. Ditto apartheid.

Come on.

Are you seriously comparing the black civil rights movement to porn? Get A Grip! Only on MN would someone actually come up with such a ridiculous comparison to try and make a point!

No, I didn't compare the black civil rights movement to pornography.
Can you read?

And actually even if I did draw a direct comparison between slavery and porn (and I didn't), it wouldn't be all that absurd, given that they're both based on the subjugation, exploitation and abuse of one class of people by another.

Can you read luridshorts If you can you will realise my comment wasn't directed at you!

Little for someone indifferent to porn you certainly defend it a lot.

There was comparison in the general acceptance of something - not a comparison of the two things. That's not the first time on this thread you've determinedly misunderstood something,

Sauce you know what. I was actually annoyed by the comparison to the black civil rights movement. I am of mixed race ancestry. My mother or more so grandmother lived through those struggles andI know/hear first hand what they went through. For people on MN to flippantly compare their and other peoples struggles through that time to porn, to try and make a point pisses me off.

Can I ask, do you or any of the people that are making those comparisons have any family or friends that lived through those times?

My DH is also mixed race. One of the issues DH & I have with porn is racism and the influence of segregation & slavery is there to see in many "inter racial" porns. So when Arsenal comes on to tell me all men watch porn and don't give a toss (pun intended) about the wider consequences of the potrayal of men, women, children in porn I am at a loss. Arsenal can only see the world through his experience - he has no imagination and is unable to see that even though he may not be damaged by it others are. He's also determined that no man is able to put aside wanking to porn for commitment to values.

So no - my DH did not live through segregated USA. his father did come to the UK via USA and Jamaica in the late 60s - which I gather wasn't a barrel of laughs.

The YouTube clip I posted - a talk on media & porn by the sociologist - in it she does draw convincing comparisons between racist attitudes, myths created during slavery about POC, and the portrayal of POC in main stream media & porn.

I'm sorry you're offended by the comparison. You needn't be but I can't tell you that. I didn't actually want to post why my DH is anti porn. But I hope it goes some way in explaining why I think porn is pernicious.

I have just spoken to my mother about the comparisons just to get her thoughts on the comparisons. All she said was "It so disappointing to hear what little insight and how lightly women of your generation discuss those times"

And she is right.p, its insulting. On that note I will leave this thread. Best wishes Op

I'm sorry your offended OP - the comparison was in showing people can believe in something as terrible as racist policies and those people are wrong. It is not to denigrate any struggle of POC.