Graham Norton's answer on his "advice" page in the Telegraph

[SauceForTheGander]

I'm just catching up on the weekend's papers & read this - and posting here as it's not dissimilar to threads started in Relationships.

Q: Dear Graham
I strongly suspect my husband is looking at pornography on his computer, and I don’t know how to approach him about it. He seems to look at it at any opportunity: when I am watching my favourite programmes, or I go out. He says he is doing his photos (he is an amateur photographer) but I know he isn’t. If I go upstairs there is a lot of shuffling about (this also happens if I open the front door having been out). I have tried creeping up the stairs to see what he is doing, but they creak too much. I have obviously thought of asking him directly, but I feel he will not admit it and I am not computer literate so I don’t know how to prove it. Have you any suggestions? You may say this is something a lot of men do, but I don’t like him doing it. I have even thought of buying a spy camera, which really shouldn’t even enter my head.
Poppy,
Buckinghamshire

Here's Graham's answer

A: Dear Poppy
No man is especially proud of looking at porn but in terms of bad behaviour in a relationship I think we can all agree that it ranks fairly low. I understand that there are questions of morality when it comes to the production of these films but then you probably wear make-up that has been tested on animals. The modern world is a moral minefield and we must all tread carefully.
There are some questions you must ask yourself. Is your husband paying you less sexual attention than you’d like? If the answer is yes then you have a right to comment on his computer-based activities because you would rather he focus his attentions on you. If, as I suspect, the answer is no, then you may just have to accept that you have married a man with a sex drive considerably greater than yours. Deny him his online fun and I wonder where he might go next? A lot of women bestow on men an emotional depth that we don’t possess. This has nothing to do with you or your relationship. It is very basic. Part of his pleasure may lie in the fact that it’s secret. Try to forgive his weakness and see his inept attempts to hide his clandestine internet activities as somehow sweet. By the way, if you really are completely computer illiterate, good luck operating that spy camera!

Poppy - I doubt you're mumsnetter - but I wish you were. I wish you'd come to the relationships section and talked to us first.

Any other Poppy's out there? Graham is talking utter bollocks. Looking at porn constantly (if that's what her DH is actually doing) is not "sweet"

This was in the telegraph FFS. I don't think he should be allowed to give out advice - I hope Poppy hasn't followed it.

Actually one saddest things about this advice is accepting Poppy's assumption that her DH is looking at porn. As I said up thread it might not be true. It might be innocent. So not only is she getting bad advice about porn - she's getting bad advice about her assumption.

The advice should be if her DH really doesn't want to talk about & won't discuss what he's looking at - then that is the problem. And is quite a big problem IMO.

That's true! Graham doesn't even say: well, it might not be...

Yep - it just turns into a party political broadcast for the "We fucking love porn"

Me and my husband love porn but I think that response is dreadful

His advice certainly doesn't tally with our boundaries and we'd divorce if we could respect each other's boundaries.

God, Graham...........

Women have a right to be turned off by porn. I know I just wouldn't be attracted to a man that was in to porn. That is not wrong. Graham is in to men not women and he wouldn't want somebody to tell him that that was wrong.

Does Graham Norton actually write this column? Isn't one of those where the celeb just has their name at the top and some minion at the magazine does the work?

Not that this would make the answer any better....

I don't know if he definitely writes this column or if someone at The Telegraph is responsible. They are have turned out some crap recently.

This problem was on the front page of the Weekend section in the Telegraph so it was the leader one.. they were pretty proud of it.

I think Joysmum response is right and interesting. I'm anti porn now - I didn't used to be but I've read too many experiences of ex porn stars to be able to be confident that those taking part aren't exploited or vulnerable. It's difficult to know if my attitude to porn isn't colouring my opinion of this advice. So interesting to hear that those who are Ok with porn see that this advice is poor & unfair.

Not that it's relevant but if I'd read that letter I'd be cautioning her about a possible affair but then I'm a realist not an agony aunt.

if I'd read that letter I'd be cautioning her about a possible affair

On no evidence whatsoever. I would be advising her to start by actually talking to her DH.

No there isn't firm evidence - which is why I said a possible affair rather than he's definitely having an affair. She's suspicious of some furtive behaviour which seems to be taking up a lot of his free time. There's something duplicitous going on and she wants to find out what. Could be his new obsession with David Icke website & the alien takeover. Who knows - but the advice she was given by GN shuts down any sensible conversation & also gives very bad advice to any one who does have a partner with a porn predilection that they aren't keen on.

But you're absolutely right Owl to say advising her to talk to her DH should be the very first step & then see what happens.

Used to like GN but this is ridiculous advice.

Not long ago (six months to a year?) there was a thread on here saying how wonderful we all thought his advice was. I read quite a few of his problems after that and he did seem kind and thoughtful. He's let himself down with this one though.

Jesus it won't have been written by Graham Norton for fucks sake! It will have been written by a Telegraph feature writer or someone in Graham Norton's agent's office - do really imagine GN gives out this advice and sits there picking away at his keyboard and thinking hard about what to say? He'll get paid for putting his name to it but I bet he doesn't write it.

GN once dressed up as an older woman and was pictured in various papers saying how hard it was to be a woman and 'old' - the gulf between a 46 year old woman and 46 year old man is enormous, he said. Perhaps he meant to be sympathetic - but the effect was the opposite, and ill-judged. Bit like this. Why do people think celebrities like him are qualified to give people advice about their relationships? Mad.

I'd love to have seen Poppy's thread if she'd posted on here. If Poppy & her creaky stairs are even real. According to stalinssister GN's advice isn't even his advice. This could be a thread about a possible non existent Poppy & an intern's response. Still shite.

Stalins well said! We have a thread on MN slating GN when 1) no one knows for sure he writes the responses, 2) does Poppy actually exist? 3) if she does exist she has no idea if its porn or not, 3) why on earth would anyone actually ask for advice from a celebrity comedian who is renowned for taking the piss.

I don't get it and for that reason I shall leave thread but enjoy the debate all. [smie]

I should have started in AIBU - it might well have kicked orf ...

1) no one knows for sure he writes the responses

GN is certainly claiming he wrote them!!

So whether he did or not, I think we can give GN the benefit of the fact that he proudly puts his name and face to the Telegraph column and therefore endorses the content at the very least, rather than lying to and deceiving Telegraph readers for personal gain.

Exactly BeCool he's not let off the hook by saying he didn't write it. That makes it worse.

And whether Poppy is real or not is irrelevant. Newspapers don't print advice columns because they advise one person but because they advise many people & entertain others.

Whilst GN does touch on a light 'tone' in parts, it's clearly not written as a work of comedy or in a tongue in cheek style.

The message sent overall isn't that "you H may not be looking at porn", or "you need to talk to your H", but GN is saying "suck it up honey, porn is not a bad thing, hie sex drive is just greater than yours, he can't connect with you emotionally anyway, and you are being a bit silly making an issue of it."

Even if GN doesn't write them, he damn well ought to be reading them before they go out with his name attached.

The letters in agony columns are usually an edited composite of ones recently received.

Ha ha ha do you really believe Graham Norton ought to read his column because it has his name on it? You believe he does? What a load of bollocks. Quick, ring him up. Tell him off. Or ring the Telegraph features desk and see what they say about it.

By the way I would be even less likely to take relationship advice from a Telegraph journalist than Graham Norton, just for the record.

What is sad is that someone is writing to him for advice, if they actually are. Why would you do that?

And by the way Mumsnet HQ, if any of this is defamatory and you get sued for publishing it, you deserve it for getting all these nice women to write all your content for NOTHING.

Not even Rupert Murdoch managed that.

Stalin, why the hostile sneering tone? Very odd

I agree that GN should be reading and approving (or not) material that has his name to it. Why would anyone be happy for their name to be used in this way? Yes yes the money, but I would be seriously concerned about my reputation if it were me

vestanddknickers wouldn't you be worried about it if your H was watching it secretly, obsessively, compulsively and lying to you about it?

Of course he's watching it secretly! his wife is trying to force her views on him. She doesn't like it, but he does, to keep the peace he lies about it.
These Women should stop treating their husbands like kids to be ordered around and start to acknowledge they are adults with free will.

Funny how many on many on mn think sex is distasteful, it's the most basic instinct of human behaviours.

Bill women who object to porn do not object to sex

Schoolboy error there.

Objecting to porn and telling your DP you do not want them to watch it, is not treating them like kids. It is about having clear boundaries about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.

Bill - Do you think objecting to your DP having sex with someone else is treating them like a kid, and setting yourself up to be lied to?