Graham Norton's answer on his "advice" page in the Telegraph

[SauceForTheGander]

I'm just catching up on the weekend's papers & read this - and posting here as it's not dissimilar to threads started in Relationships.

Q: Dear Graham
I strongly suspect my husband is looking at pornography on his computer, and I don’t know how to approach him about it. He seems to look at it at any opportunity: when I am watching my favourite programmes, or I go out. He says he is doing his photos (he is an amateur photographer) but I know he isn’t. If I go upstairs there is a lot of shuffling about (this also happens if I open the front door having been out). I have tried creeping up the stairs to see what he is doing, but they creak too much. I have obviously thought of asking him directly, but I feel he will not admit it and I am not computer literate so I don’t know how to prove it. Have you any suggestions? You may say this is something a lot of men do, but I don’t like him doing it. I have even thought of buying a spy camera, which really shouldn’t even enter my head.
Poppy,
Buckinghamshire

Here's Graham's answer

A: Dear Poppy
No man is especially proud of looking at porn but in terms of bad behaviour in a relationship I think we can all agree that it ranks fairly low. I understand that there are questions of morality when it comes to the production of these films but then you probably wear make-up that has been tested on animals. The modern world is a moral minefield and we must all tread carefully.
There are some questions you must ask yourself. Is your husband paying you less sexual attention than you’d like? If the answer is yes then you have a right to comment on his computer-based activities because you would rather he focus his attentions on you. If, as I suspect, the answer is no, then you may just have to accept that you have married a man with a sex drive considerably greater than yours. Deny him his online fun and I wonder where he might go next? A lot of women bestow on men an emotional depth that we don’t possess. This has nothing to do with you or your relationship. It is very basic. Part of his pleasure may lie in the fact that it’s secret. Try to forgive his weakness and see his inept attempts to hide his clandestine internet activities as somehow sweet. By the way, if you really are completely computer illiterate, good luck operating that spy camera!

Poppy - I doubt you're mumsnetter - but I wish you were. I wish you'd come to the relationships section and talked to us first.

Any other Poppy's out there? Graham is talking utter bollocks. Looking at porn constantly (if that's what her DH is actually doing) is not "sweet"

This was in the telegraph FFS. I don't think he should be allowed to give out advice - I hope Poppy hasn't followed it.

Where did i mention working class?

You might want to try reading my underclass reference in context

Seeing as you are such a wise intellectual...

Great post white - it's because I'm pro young men and my sons that I question the hyper masculinity perpetuated in porn.

It's not hyperbole to say I fear for the future of DCs growing up with all types porn accessible everywhere on the Internet.

Child abuse will increase. Rape and sexual violence will increase.

Yy gander. Especially when so much porn (i know not all, hence why i didnt say all) is focussed on "young" women, looking as childlike as possible

And were did I say intellect was subject to one group of people? Stop making assumptions.

Which then also increases violence against older women than are in porn, as they are viewed as "below" a males sexual agenda.

Read what you wrote, read what i wrote. Thats all there is to it.

I'm not commenting on it again, its derailing the thread.

The fuckability range as its referred to.

Boundaries have to be pushed in porn as appetitites are quickly met and desire for something new prevails.

Men who are not peadophiles are l

Curses!!

Sorry posted too soon.

Men who are not peadophiles are looking at images of child abuse.

Peadophiles begin abusing in their early teens. Men in their 30s and 40s are accessing child abuse images for the first time as their porn consumption develops and needs satisfying. This interest will be played out in real life.

The porn industry only cares about making money. If you're clicking on it they will make more of it.

I was very clear. I agree the followings posts aren't worth further comment.

I see the "all men watch porn" like "every smokes" before the cancer links were made. Everyone's doing it - it must be fine, normal - natural in fact. To examine why some people don't is uncomfortable. I know because I had to. I thought looking at porn was fine and was a step towards equality, feminist even. Look at me all too cool for school and totally fine with my sexuality I thought.

But looking at porn is as feminist as downing a pint. You might think you're observing as an equal but you're not - it's a patriarchal trap

Little for some reason you sound pissed off, even though you're indifferent to porn. How come?

Apologies LittlePea

Sauce I am not pissed off. I just like to clarify when one of my points is misred or misinterpreted.

Good Little

For people who claim to be horrified by my generalisation of all men loving porn, lots of you seem to be making all sorts of generalisations about porn and coming out with all sorts of cliches.

I and almost all of my friends have been looking at porn since our early teens. First it was mags (some hardcore, some soft) then came the internet. The hardcore stuff back then was just as hardcore as it is now. I remember a shop in soho which had a whole wall on bestiality.

I have never, ever, ever seen child abuse. I have never ever sought it out. If anything I would say that the easy availability of extreme stuff promotes the opposite reaction and a move towards the more basic and simple. It's no wonder that the fastest growing porn studios are the ones with female directors, normal looking women etc rather than porn stars doing extreme acts.

So stop acting so horrified and understand that almost all men watch porn, including your husbands, and they aren't going to turn into monsters because of it. Just like how all kids with their secret stashes of 'American strength' hardcore mags who grew up in the 80s haven't turned into monsters either.

I don't think all men who look at porn will access child abuse.

Just as I don't think all men look at porn.

I'm interested in the fastest growing porn studio bit. Is there proof of this - actually - don't link

Grr sorry, i really didnt want to post about it again!

But i dont think i am misinterpreting, i think you perhaps dont realise what you said and why i reacted? Sorry if that isnt the case, I'll explain why i said what i did, and then really, no more posts!

You said "I think to assume intellectual adults will form their opinions based on what GN writes in the relationship pages of a newspaper is a stretch." Therefore saying it doesn't matter what it says because you are intelligent enough to not take it seriously.

But some people are not as intellectual as you, and they may well still read the telegraph (regardless of their social class - i used "underclass" as in class of intelligence, not social class)

Does it not matter to you that some less clever people than you may take these "advice" pages seriously and act on the dodgy advice? Or is it okay that someone lives according to GN's men-are-emotional-puddles-and-all-watch-porn world, so long as you know not to take it seriously?

Fatherjake, do you have answers to any of the questions posed to the "all men love porn" posters upthread?

You're the one coming out with the cliches. In fact, I never felt that strongly about porn until I realised how thick most of the porn defenders were.

• Insisting that porn is the same as sex.
• Insisting that porn is the same as wanking
• Insisting that all men watch porn.

Do you insist that I love shoes? Do you think that I love shopping? Do you think that all women are the same and all the men are the same.

Tell me when DH watches porn please. Is it on the commute to work, is it at work, or is it at home? Because he doesn't. And I don't feel that strongly about it anyway, but I feel VERY strongly that you are telling me that he is a fucking liar.

There are lots of reasons people DON'T watch porn. It's very interesting that you think the only reason to not watch it is that a man says he's very opposed to it - in fact he's a feminist' line. It just shows what a lack of imagination you porn-users have - (hardly a surprise.)
Reasons I've heard from men why they don't use porn.

-It doesn't turn them on.
-They prefer to wank in the shower/bath
-They find it frustrating when they're single and who needs it when they're in a relationship?
-They feel uncomfortable with the porn industry since they've had a DD.
But still, carry on insisting that ALL men watch porn, if it makes you feel better about yourself.

Oh and re "generalisations" i know my dh watches porn, he's never felt the need to keep it a secret. So i'd appreciate less of the "all denying your dh watch porn" generalisations

I still have the limited brain capacity required to understand that not all people are the same.

Father to be clear - you're with Graham Norton here?

Porn is harmless, 11 year olds accessing porn on their phones etc will do so without consequence to them and their partners / class mates and anyone suggesting otherwise is generalising / using cliches?

Though you can base your opinion on you and your small group of friends - you are not generalising?

By the way - women can be pimps and run porn studios. Their gender doesn't make me support them.

Also - why is my DH watching porn & lying to me so important here?

That was to Father-Jake.

As for Arsenal, Frankly I don't have time to be judgemental about how people fulfil their sexual needs. - Who are you kidding? If you're pompously posting on mumsnet then I would suggest that you do have the time.

John I think if I put that comment through the bullshit translator what Arsenal would be saying is Frankly I don't have to explain why porn is brilliant and I will wank to whatever I want

He is a tosser.

(Can't delete that Mumsnet because it's true!)

Literal usage innit.