Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

[wonderingwendy]

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

I think you have had a really hard time of it on here. Having him pop round occasionally after five or six months isn't rushing it - it's not like you are moving him in or anything.

To be honest, I think a lot of it is teenage girl stuff. I'm in a different situation to you, long time on my own before I met anyone and I've been with my dp for longer, but my dd is 12 and has said outright that she doesn't want me to have anyone. Ever. My ds has a great relationship with my dp, and my dd does as well when she lets herself and drops the stroppy behaviour. It is very difficult and you really have my sympathy.

And some people have scarily few boundaries or adult perspective.

The popping round occasionally is irrelevant on your revelation now that you "skype, all day every day". If you've been in someone's house who is continually on skype (a friend does this, so as to provide care and company for a disabled friend who lives a few hundred miles away) and it is like that person is continually in the house and I suspect this is the issue with your daughter. It must feel like this man is there, all the time. And that's a world away from meeting up out of the house once a week. If you strip it back to truly meeting out of the house once a week you are likely to have a healthier relationship, and a solid relationship with your daughter again.

Another vote here for "balance" rather than all or nothing

Yes, it's all happening maybe too quickly and at 34 a 20 year age gap is a lot - but it's also true that 13 year olds can be utterly unreasonable even without any cause. The bit about "even meeting him away from home would be too much" suggests that she expects to call all the shots, and that really isn't on

I'd definitely pull back on suggestions about new families, but still see him without making a big deal about it. It seems to me that DD has enough on her plate without believing she has to police adult relationships too

She wants it to just be you four? Well why not? Why can't it just be you four for a while, living peacefully after years of an unhappy marriage? Till everything calms down and everyone feels more secure. Why is this one man your "chance of happiness"? What about caring for your kids, asking them away, studying, reading, hobbies, friendships? Why can't they be things that make you happy?

I think she sounds very switched on and quite honestly you don't. You sound desperate just to be with a man and I think you've conducted this situation very badly. You won't do anything about that though I can tell from reading your posts.

taking them away not asking.

my dd felt happy, safe, loved by her new sf after her df abandoned her.

in fact it was dd who introduced us.
she was 23 at the time, suffering depression.

but, she was truly hiding , burying, her deep felt emotions .
fast forward 20 years, she is nc with me, as she blames me for abandoning her when I remarried.

you know what,
I wish I had mumsnet then, I could have understood more about dd's feelings, even though she was an adult.
she told me years ago, in an angry outburst that she wanted me to leave dh, then we could be back together again.

so, all I would say, is to "allow" your dd to feel that you will always put her first, please keep your new bf a secret from her for as long as it takes.

She doesn't have to like him, but she does have to respect your right to have a life. I also think timespans may be a bit of a red herring. All she needs to know is that you will still love her, whatever she does, but by the same token, you will keep seeing him and it is not her place to dictate how you live your life.

Effectively 7 months does seem quite quick to be in a new relationship, but sometimes stuff happens so who am I to judge. My only reservation would be that this shouldn't be one of a series of boyfriends that your kids are introduced to.

His role is to show her what it looks like to be in a loving relationship, and how a woman should be treated.

I am in my first relationship since I split up with my ex 6 years ago, and my 9 year old daughter is not massively keen on the whole thing, she felt/feels that I will stop loving/replace her etc. She is testing him at every available opportunity, and it's not easy being a step-parent anyway. But, he is showing her that I am loved and how I would like any future boyfriends to treat her.

Ok to be honest I think you have to look at it from her point of view.

She is only 13
Her parents split up after what sounds like quite a bad marriage (bad home life)
She doesn't get on great with her Father (understandable from what you have said)
One month after splitting up with her father you start dating another Man
5 months after that you introduce them and she makes it clear she doesn't like him
Despite her making her feelings clear, he continues to come into her home and attempt to engage her when she actually has made it clear she doesn't want this.

It sounds to me like you have a vulnerable, hormonal 13 year old girl who is really uncomfortable with this situation and yet it keeps getting forced on her rather than you both backing off for a while and keeping your new boyfriend away from her for a while longer.

Even though she doesn't get on great with her Dad it doesn't mean she doesn't love and miss him. Does she know he wants you back? Is she blaming your new boyfriend for you and her Father not getting back together? And given such a short space of time is she thinking he was the cause of your split?

You really haven't given her any time to come to terms with any of your situation. Of course you deserve some happiness but not at the expense of your daughters. Keep the new man away, he doesn't have to be around her (at least not just yet). Let her deal with the emotions that come with parents splitting up. IMHO she comes first here, not you, not him. That doesn't mean you have to stop seeing him but just don't force her to be around him, she's a young girl and her family has just been ripped apart, it's great you've moved on quickly and are happy but just because that's the case for you doesn't mean it's the case for her. It is very very fast.

Never choose a man over your daughter. She may never forgive you

Another thing OP

I think that this sentence, she always had my absolute attention when I were with her father .our marriage was terrible and ive been so unhappy for the longest time is very telling.

It sounds like you put everything into your relationship with your DD while you were unhappy. Maybe a distraction from the rest of your life? Maybe as a substitute for your happiness while you were unhappy? Only you know the answer to that. Yet now that you are happy with someone new, you expect your young daughter to understand that it means you don't have the same amount of time or attention for her now. You don't seem to be taking into account how you have leant on your daughter emotionally in the past and you don't seem to take into account the direct effect your new relationship has had on your daughter.

I actually don't think you have been or are being very fair to your daughter at all.

You don't have perspective.

You have a couple of people agreeing with you and most not.

I suspect you do change.

I also think it's pretty shoddy that you split with her dad seven months ago and got with someone else four weeks later.

Whether they knew or not, it was taking your focus from them at a time when they were vulnerable and needed you.

Perhaps your marriage was over for years for you but that doesn't change the timing of when you split with their dad.

Perhaps you did stay with him for them but that was your choice not some big self-sacrificing gesture.

Your dismissal of her opinion coupled with your what about meee whining would do my head in. And I'm not a confused 13 year old girl.

"It sounds like you put everything into your relationship with your DD while you were unhappy. Maybe a distraction from the rest of your life? Maybe as a substitute for your happiness while you were unhappy? Only you know the answer to that. Yet now that you are happy with someone new, you expect your young daughter to understand that it means you don't have the same amount of time or attention for her now. You don't seem to be taking into account how you have leant on your daughter emotionally in the past and you don't seem to take into account the direct effect your new relationship has had on your daughter.

I actually don't think you have been or are being very fair to your daughter at all."

This is exactly what my DM did to my sister and it was absolutely devastating to DSis. DM still seems oblivious to the terrible harm she caused. Which blows my mind.

What Waltermitty said.

Plus, Skyping someone all day, every day sounds incredibly unhealthy.

So, in your own words:

Your 13 year old has the breakup of her parent's marriage.

A father who isn't interested in her.

A mother chatting all day, every day to her boyfriend on the internet.

When she tries to tell you she's unhappy to the point of tears, you cry too.

Would anyone on here want to swap places with that 13 year old? If I were her, I wouldn't be happy with my life, at all.

You need to listen to what the majority on here are saying, as I can't see her getting any happy otherwise.

I haven't read all the replies so sorry if I've missed anything important.

When my mum got a new boyfriend, I was 20, still living at home and a stubborn bitch. I was happy that her and my dad had got divorced as their relationship had been over for a long time but I wasn't ready for her to be moving on. She and him both worked hard at getting me to warm to him and it worked. Five years later and I was bridesmaid at their wedding and love him to pieces. He treats me and my younger sister (who seemed to accept him from day one) like one of his own and I confide in him far more than I do my dad these days.

I hope things get better for you

"She said she doesn't like him as she thinks he is trying too hard and thinks he is funny and that I act different around him (I don't) she thinks we are moving too fast but I don't want her to dictate to me when and where I can see him."

"We are serious about each other and he wants to be a family in the future."

It appears that your young daughter might be a great deal more perceptive than you give her credit for.

Don't you think talking about being a family in the future is a bit fast after only six months of knowing each other? I do and I think it's a tiny teeny bit creepy.

'Ive been miserable for their sakes for years" Staying as long as you did in an unhappy relationship was your choice and was never your children's choice or responsibility. I get the impression from your posts that you feel it's your time to find happiness and you are annoyed that your DD has not fallen into line.

Try looking at it from her side for a minute. Her parents have split up and very quickly mum finds a new man and seems intent on creating a new family dynamic with this stranger. She has a difficult relationship with her father and is currently nc with him. In the midst of all this turmoil she has strengthend the bond with her mother but now new man is on the scene, she's very concerned that the new man us encroaching on her teratory.

You may be ready for this new relationship but your DD is not and I can totally understand why. No one is saying you have remain single but the speed and gusto of this new relationship has upset the fragile equilibrium of your new family dynamic. She is a young teen and probably finds it difficult articulating, let alone understanding, her emotions and therefore will be looking to you for reassurance and patience.

I don't think the OP is listening anymore. We haven't said what she wants to hear.

Poor daughter!

I remember watching a thirteen year old completely trash her mum's life. She drove away her mother's second husband, who had been good to all of them, just because she wanted her mum to be completely about the daughter. It really wrecked the lives of the younger kids.

The mother got with a man that beat her up @ twice a week after that, but the daughter got a lot more attention so was happy with that.

It may or may not be the same situation, but worth mentioning.

Well, I'm sure we could all dredge up extreme situations which bear little or no resemblance to the OP's circumstances.

Well, I'm sure we could all dredge up extreme situations which bear little or no resemblance to the OP's circumstances

This.

Just respect her wishes and try to keep them as separate as possible. She may just be very possessive of you, or she may feel genuinely uncomfortable around him. You're entitled to a private life, but just take it slow! And don't say anything to her about how he'd like to be part of her family. It's not her fault he couldn't have kids of his own.

Not read all the messages past the first pages but 7 months and now you are seeing someone who is now considered to be serious. Blimey, that's fast. I'm with your daughter.

You say you don't act differently, that you focused all your attention on dd and yet you skype this man all day everyday Even my 5yo would notice mama spending more time on her phone/laptop than with him!

You may have known this man for 6 months, but you introduced/told your dd 3 months later, that's a very short amount of time for her, and is moving too fast for her.

A 13yo knows concept of time. Do not belittle or partronise her dd making her views on the timeframe non important and silly.

I agree that your dd cannot dictate your life or relationship and needs a few rules in place but she is allowed her opinion. You can see this man but do not bring into your daughter's home when she has made it quite clear it makes her uncomfortable and doesn't like. A home is supposed to be a safe haven for a child.

You are right, age does not matter nor are we to be judgemental of that but in the eyes of a 13yo, 54yo is a huge difference and especially if he looks older than he is. She may evenn be embarrassed of the age gap between you too.

The way you phrased "stayed for their sakes" souned at lot blame and resentment.

6 months together and you are already thinking of bringing him into the family dynamic in future? RED FLAG. It may not be fast for you but it is for dd.

She is vunerable and insercure. She needs her mum!

You do not want a compromise, you want a quick fix so that you can play happy families. Your daughter is not ready for a new male figure in her life. Respect that, for her sake.

I do agree though, that she shouldn't be the one calling the shots, if you are serious, then she needs to see that & she needs help accepting that you are in a relationship.

But I do see how the constant skyping could be her problem. How you would feel if she was constantly skyping a friend? You would probably feel that it was an intrusion into family life, that the computer/phone/whatever was over taking her time, that you had no time to be with her. That other things weren't getting done, because her focus was else where.

She thinks all that! It doesn't matter that he is only physically in your home once a week, because he is actually in your home for most of her waking (and sleeping) hours.

I bet you tell her to leave you alone too (while you skype), I bet that much of the time you are not available to her. I would also bet that she has tried to tell you something important (to her) and you have brushed her away. You are emotionally distant from her, for a lot of the time.

Your boys are older & so don't need mum as much as a 13yr old does. Your man has all your focus, your daughter has none. She lost her dad 7mths ago, in her head, she is losing you too.

She can't help but love you, and because of that, like you. But she doesn't have it in her to hate you, so she hates new man for taking you away from her.

I don't blame her. :(