Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

[wonderingwendy]

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

Well what you do when you go out really is not your DD's business. THAT's where I WOULD put my foot down.

But I think you should just tell your DD that you will be occasionally seeing your friend when you go out but that's all. And then don't mention him for a good long while.

Really it amazes me how soon people do expose their DC to new bf or gfs. You can't really know this person at all. There are many many situations you haven't seen him in or know how he'll react to them. Particularly if this man has never had children of his own it would be really throwing you all in the deep end and taking a massive gamble if you invited him to be a part of your family life to whatever extent. You are not even out of the honeymoon/showing your best side only phase yet!

Keep him for going out, having adult time, doing nice stuff together. You can have all that without risking the equanimity or peace of your family.

I agree you shouldn't dump him on her say so, and you can see who you want when you're on your own.

Bit odd that he expressed a wish to make your family his family before he'd even met your kids. That sounds naive at best.

You're weeping on your daughter and trying to compromise about when you're allowed to see your boyfriend? I'm sorry to sound harsh but you are an adult and her only parent at the moment, try behaving like you're over 14 & know what you're doing. You can tell her you will be seeing him outside the house, but that he won't be coming round for a while. Don't ask her! It's too much responsibility, she needs to know some things are still in the right place e.g. her mum makes the rules.

She must be absolutely heartbroken at the changes she's gone through and losing contact with her dad (even if she says she doesn't like him, she will still need to know he loves her). The way she sees it, her dad's off without her doing...whatever he's doing, and now instead of her mum holding her closer, her mum's losing interest in her too and fucking off out with her new boyfriend. Are you giggling over your phone the rest of the time too? She must feel very lonely. She will also know that in 2 years both her brothers may have left home and it'll just be her and whatever bloke you've brought along. (Harsh language but trying to picture it from her perspective)

In your mind she's probably still a little girl but this is exactly the age where so many of my friends went completely off the rails if their parents had their minds elsewhere and didn't prioritise them. Having a rock solid family is what she needs, and I'm afraid it's down to you to put her and your other children first for a bit.

So agree with Elephants

Just from a point of view of your dd.. This was me and my brothers when our parents split . Although I was the oldest .

If the timelines are that close I say with nearly 100 % certainty that your dd thinks/feels the boyfriend is the reason her parents split up .

For the sake of your future relationship with her , please don't do what my mother did and become obsessed with your boyfriend.

My brothers and I sat down and talked with her how uncomfortable we were with him being around. She paided lip service to this for a while but gradually he was there more and more before moving in without moving in iykwim .

It still tears me apart when I think of how little my mother thought of my feelings and my brothers . And tbh I don't feel like a want a relationship now with her . This mainly stems from her attitude involving her boyfriend.

Apologies for the long post but this is a road you're going to face down if you disregard her feelings . And I say this agreeing with poster who say a 13 year old shouldn't dictate an adults life/ relationships .

If a thirteen year old says you're moving too fast, you probably are. You've known him six months and seen him once a week during that time...that's literally no time to get to know someone, never mind their three kids you've met on a handful of occasions. And he's already talking about becoming a family. Red flag, my friend, red flag. Most people would be at the "meh, let's see how it goes stage", especially when kids are concerned.

Look at it from your DD's point of view. Seven months ago her dad left/was thrown out and can't be arsed seeing her anymore, now her mum's dolling herself up and spending increasing amounts of time with a third party- it's like she's abandoning her too. That might not be an accurate reflection, but you can see how she could feel that way. And he's twenty years older than you- what, mid/late fifties? For a 13 year old that's positively ancient and will effect her views on him.

Tell her you'll be carrying on as per for the time being, maybe have a "date night" (sounds wrong I know) with her once a week to remind her where your priorities lie. And for god's sake, just enjoy the first flush for as long as you can, and don't make any rash decisions re. moving in together or "becoming a family". These things are easy to fall into when everything's new and shiny and fun, but it's bloody messy for all parties when things go wrong.

She said she doesn't like him as she thinks he is trying to hard and thinks he is funny and that I act different around him (I don't)

Your quick dismissal of her opinion won't help you here, op. Why does she think you act differently? I was 15 when my mu got with a man after cheating on my dad with him. She was different with him, VERY different. But she wouldn't accept it. She drifted even further away from me once he moved in (we didn't have a great relationship to start with) & it caused such a huge divide, we have spoken since I left home, over 20yrs ago. The ironic thing? They are no longer together. So she ruined what was left of our relationship, for him, for nothing.

You cannot see yourself how she does, when you ate with him. Ask he what it is that you do.

Trust her instincts too.

and he wants to be a family in the future. and you?

And everything oikopolis said @ 19:21:23 and again at 20:24:20

Ive been miserable for their sakes for years LOW, op. I assume by this you mean, because you stayed with their father? You make it sound like you had no choice, like they forced you into doing what you didn't want to. And they didn't! I hope you don't say that to them. It is NOT their fault you were miserable. Not at all. How dare you blame your children for your misery!! You obviously resent them, op! This is very unhealthy!

In the minds of adults it might seem quick, but bear in mind how long the 6 week summer holiday felt as a kid! Oh please! The child is unhappy, she is 13 & does have some concept of time. Like her father left at the beginning of December & her mother started dating this guy just before Christmas too & introduced him very shortly after. Don't patronise the daughter because you think she has no time concept. MY 5yr old understands that period of time.

we haven't spoken since I left home,

Agree with everyone else, though I suspect you're not going to agree yourself - I think you'll decide people are mean and nasty so you don't have to listen to them.

The mistake you've made is introducing him to your kids.

I wouldn't dump him, it doesn't sound as if anybody is going to be acceptable. I wouldn't discuss him at all with the kids, just refuse to talk about it with her. It's taken care of type of thing.

But I would keep the 2 separate from now on and give her the attention she's asking for.

*so soon

I'm going against the grain here but I think your 13yo can't be allowed to run your life. It may be too soon since your last relationship broke up to introduce someone to your family, I don't know, but we all need adult friends & we all need a social life. Children should be encouraged to say what they think and obviously taken seriously and handled sensitively but emotional blackmail should not be tolerated whatever the reason.

When did I ever say its the kids fault of why I stayed with exh ? Its my stupid fault I was weak and depressed and wasn't strong enough to make the break.
I haven't considered bf moving in so don't know where that came from either.
We see each other once a week as he works long hours however we have gotten to know each other quickly as we talk on skype all day every day (he is allowed at work) and I work from home.
I am 34 and he is 54 .

Agree with (nearly) everyone else, it is ridiculous that you have got so 'serious' with this man so quickly, did you only have a month 'between men' .

You sound like a breathless teenager too 'in lurve' to give up a new boyfriend. Why do you need a man in your life? Just concentrate on your own children rather than worrying about 'being a new family in the future'.

we talk on skype all day - do adults really do that sort of thing ?

Don't you have work to do, housework, other friends to meet, hobbies, interests, tv to watch, time with your children etc?

When I was 34 life was exciting, no way would I spend all day skyping someone not that it existed then.

I don't think the OP's 13 year old should be able to dictate who her mother sees Cogito but I do think it's too soon for introductions. And totally agree with Elephants - that the OP should not be negotiating.

I have to say that I don't like the sound of all day every day skyping. It's a bit obsessive. OP - did you meet this man on online dating? I met men like this - who were really keen to move into a readymade set up, who'd never felt like this before, blah blah blah. It's not real. You barely know one another, truly.

If this really is a relationship with a future, you and your boyfriend have all the time in the world.

I think people are being unkind. A new man, a new love is an exciting thing. You are bound to be different around him... and hopefully 'different' means happier, lighter, a little giggly, Skyping all the time etc. That's not a bad thing. You clearly started having your DCs very young and you've probably missed out on a whole phase of dating that others go through before they acquire the partner and the kids etc. That's unfortunate but all you have to make sure is that your DCs still get plenty of your tlc and attention and are not exposed to too much 'embarrassing' displays of affection. Balance & sensitivity, in other words.

I don't think a 13 year old should be allowed to dictate your life, but I have to agree it's been awfully fast. Your daughter is probably scared and confused.
If you're both in this for the long haul I would back right off the whole thing, see him away from the house wait another year then try again. This way you can Prove to your daughter that her views matter and that you can make it work by taking it slow and not pushing his company on her. If things are as you say a year won't matter you're not in a hurry.

What Fantastic said. WAY too soon! And your attitude that you were unhappy for their sakes so now you are entitled to do what you want is worrying. Immature, too.

You split 5 minutes ago and already have this man about.

He wants to 'be a family' after six months? That is scary.

Skyping all day from work, too, at 54? I'm sure an employer is so happy about this. I'd be creeped out by a man that keen. I'm 43 and would find a person that age who did that utterly creepy.

If you are skyping all day every day, can you see that that might be taking attention away from dd?

I'm 34 and there's no way I'd be interested in a 54 year old wanting to Skype me all day. You sound like you need some fun in your life, not to move an old man into your home. It's not an age thing - he just really does sound very old and boring.

At 34 and out of a miserable marriage you should be out there focusing on your career, making new friends, going on holidays or even doing a degree or new college course - whatever it is do it for you.

When my marriage broke down I went a bit outrageous and got a job in a bar, had some flings with younger men and started painting again. Dc didn't have any idea as they were tucked up in bed being babysat.

Don't dive from one relationship to another.

I'm going against the grain as well. My dm met my stepdad when I was 14 and he moved in 4 months later. I was a little brat about it - I'm an only child and it had been me and my mum since I was two. I made life as difficult as possible until I moved out at age 17.

I'm an adult now and incredibly embarrassed about how I behaved. My stepdad is a wonderful man (yes, they are still together now and married). He did nothing wrong at all, I just didn't want him intruding.

The difference is though with your dd you only separated from her dad 7 months ago, whereas my dad was long gone from both our lives when my mum met my stepdad. Tread carefully, give her time to get used to the idea. Don't have him around 24/7, that was what I hated most. But there is no need to dump him.

Ive been miserable for their sakes for years

Sounds like blame to me

Some of you are very rude and judgemental. Age has nothing to do with how he and I feel about each other. I wanted some perspective and I have that now .Thank you for your help.