Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

[wonderingwendy]

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

Please don't let your dd become yet another of the thousands of children out there who are miserable because they've been shoe-horned into playing Happy Families with step-parents not of their choosing. With parents who are determined to make out that everything's rosy when it just isn't.

There are those situations where the child (often a teenager) is initially hostile and then comes round. There are also others. I knew a family, a mother and two daughters. The mother found a new man after some years of being a single parent. The elder daughter hated him. She married young to get away from her mother's home. She then had a child, who was about to start school the last time I saw them, and at that time the mother had never seen her granddaughter.

Maybe it is too soon to know if your DD has a real dislike of your BF specifically or whether she is just reacting badly to the introduction of someone new into the intimate family circle at such an early stage.

Either way I don't think you have anything to lose, and potentially you have a very great deal to gain, by taking the relationship with your BF slowly and gently and, for some time, as much out of the way of your DD as possible.

Spend time with your DD, recognise that her fears and anxieties are legitimate. This doesn't mean that you end your relationship, but if you want to knit a loving and secure family that includes all of you going forward then her voice needs to be heard and it's not the end of the world if the pace of your new relationship slows down. It doesn't mean that DD dictates everything about your personal life, or that you have no right to a personal life, but she has needs (so do you) and she's vulnerable right now (you may be too) - but at the moment you have the power of important choices your DD doesn't.

I do think your best chance of a happy outcome here is taking it softly and gently.

I don't have children but my DP does and he was super cautious about introductions - his children were mid-late teens when we got together. It took over 2 years in the end, and I think it was 3 years after their parents broke up. We were ultra slow partly because we were in a long distance relationship - but I really admired DP's care in putting his kids first and not pushing change at them quickly. For us it worked well and happily. And your BF may find this something very positive in you rather than something that would put him off or make him feel that you were pushing him away.

did you have any councilling after splitting with their father who, by your own admission, was abusive to you?
Do you know, REALLY know how to recognise the red flags, not jusrt looking for what your new man does that your old man didnt?
Its horribly uncommon to go for a different type of abuser 2nd time round (or even 3rd, 4th, 5th) if you have never addressed the hows and whys that led you to be involved with, and stay with, an abusive man.
You need to know how to love yourself and set proper boundaries, and ENFORCE those boundaries before you are ready for a new relationship, and all that takes time.

I am sorry, but I think you need to slow down.

You had a terrible marriage. You have not healed. You have jumped straight into another relationship, and 6 months down the line you are "serious" and have decided you want to make a family with him.

This sounds ridiculous. I take it your dd does not know this?

She has seen what a man in the house means. You have modeled a terrible relationship for your children, and of course your dd is worried that the same will repeat itself.

And frankly, with a man who is keen to take on a woman with 3 children and already wants to tie her to himself emotionally by having another baby, I would not be surprised if you are headed for another relationship disaster, with another child to cement not just you and that boyfriend together, but your children and you to him.

What man is keen to get together with a mother of three kids who is vulnerable and just out of a terrible relationship, and all ready talk about babies???

I made my mums life hell when she got a new boyfriend when I was that age.

I told my mum I hated him and made loads of fuss.

He is one of the most kindest men I have ever known. I grew up to love him and then the relationship ended and I miss him.

I was just insecure, I was scared I would lose her; scared of change and very hormonal and seeing my mum with someone just didn't feel right.

I would take a step back. Keep him separate from your children for now as 7 months is not long for your daughter to get her head around her father leaving. My dad was a sociopath who I hated but it took me a long time to adjust to the new set up.

You clearly don't actually have any intention of changing anything so why even bother yourself about how your DD feels? You want this relationship, she doesn't have to like it, or him, or play nice and sweet and play happy families. Or is it more that you don't want your poor bloke feeling put out by her behaviour?

I'm not being an arse for fun, it hits a sore spot when I hear things like this. I was forced to 'like' my mothers boyfriend when I was young and be nicey nicey to him. I could sense something wasn't right and I didn't like him from day one. He eventually cheated on my mum and physically abused me. I'm not saying your new man is an abuser but you've not been seeing him long and if there is something wrong that you can't sense, he won't let it show yet. Are you sure you can really see the red flags if there are any?

If you're really in it for the long haul, wait til DD moves out before you move him in or anything. Don't make the poor girl uncomfortable in her own home, or uproot her to move for this man.

You sound resentful to your kids for staying in your poor marriage before. I have sympathy for you that your ex was awful, but don't try pin it on them. If she doesn't like him either, you obviously weren't staying with him for her sake and shouldn't use that as an excuse. You stayed despite being unhappy. Do they even know how you felt? If you do tell them, don't use the 'I did it for you, now let me be happy' card and guilt DD into accepting this man.

Sorry, OP, but I've been the DD and I would just think carefully before making any big decisions with this man. Please just think and use your head. Don't be overwhelmed and blinded by the attention and affection you were missing before.

My bf is 20 yrs older than me and infertile so I have no idea where you got wanting a baby together from ?
I meant he has no children and always wanted a family so in the future we would like for us to be a family.
My ex wasn't abusive to me or children but was emotionally unavailable to us all and had a big gambling problem resulting in huge financial problems. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do but we were all miserable.
Spoke with dd just now and were both in tears she wants me to dump him and I don't want that at all.i suggested to just see him outside of the house and she said that's still too much.so how can we come to a compromise?

Sorry, I took this "he wants to be a family in the future." to mean that he wanted to make a family with you.

Only you know exactly what your dd has been through.

Parents break up, possible house/area move?, no contact with her dad, new partner for her mum, hitting her teenage years and all the emotional and physical changes that can bring without everything else, her brothers seeming fine, her mum seeming fine, and all in 7 months.

Do you think she's doing this simply out of jealousy?

compromise? how about you start taking your dd into consideration, because throughout this thread you haven't spoken at all like you have any intention of doing anything to make your dd happier.

The thing is that your DD can tell, just as we can from your posts, that you have no intention of slowing things down. You will see him outside the home for a short period of time and then you will continue on with your plan to bring him into the home to make a new 'family'.

There is no point talking of compromise when you actually have no plan to do so. From what you have posted it seems that you don't understand or want to understand why it's important to slow down and get to know this man better and wait before playing happy families.

There have been many great posts explaining why you should do so and perhaps why your DD is feeling the way she is. Perhaps it's time to take on board some of what has been said and find a way to understand why you need this relationship so badly that you would risk your DD's happiness over this.

I think you are being very selfish, foisting some man you hardly know onto your children. Keep your boyfriend/s out of the house, as you suggested.

Your daughter is insecure, for good reasons. If you're caught up in him and not in her, she can't possibly like it. You don't seem to care about that, you're just whining 'she doesn't like my boyfriend'. I think at the very least you should get her some counselling. A mum who doesn't care much tends to screw people up.

I did know one girl (14) whose mum threw her out when she got a new boyfriend - mum didn't want another pretty female in the house, and didn't want reminding of a previous failed relationship when she'd a new bf and baby. not very nice, but it happens. Another woman, friend of a friend, spent her school holidays hiding (literally, in cupboards etc) from her mother's boyfriend who wanted to have sex with her. Really, if your daughter isn't happy, you ought to be taking notice.

"I meant he has no children and always wanted a family so in the future we would like for us to be a family."

What, just like that? He wants to gate-crash your family, you're happy to let him and your dd gets no say in it? It's HER FAMILY TOO, in fact, she IS a major member. She's not up for sharing with him. Why should she be? She's still coming to terms with the fact that her inner circle is not what she thought and who knows how she feels about her dad. She doesn't want a 'new' dad muscling in.

How old are you?

Please please back off from making this man part of your family life. If you insist on still seeing him, then at least keep him separate from your family, especially your DD.

The warning flags (those that shout to me) are: You separated from your H 7 months ago, 1 month later you met your new P, he is 20 years older than you, you have not healed from your last relationship, you haven't done anything to see why you got into it or stayed so long, he wants to "make a family" with your children, and your DD reacts negatively to him.

Please please respect your DD, and do not force this man on her. Its only 5 years and she will be 18 - that is no time.

Take things slowly.

You sound very immature OP.
Why the hurry? Couldn't you just take a bit of time to get to know this man, keep the relationship low key and outside the family home, and work on parenting your dd. She is at a very tricky and vulnerable age and needs you to be a focused parent - given that you are the only parent she has at the moment.
Daughters really need their mums at this age.

There is no reason why your DD should want to live with your new friend, or should like him.

Sometimes she might, if you are all very lucky, but you should not imagine that it is to be expected.

if you love this man and he loves you and he's a good man, I can't for the life of me see why you should dump him because your dd isn't happy about him.

Your situation is very similar to mine, including the timescale of your break up and new relationship starting .My daughter can be a bit rude and moody too but it's getting better.

I have to laugh at people saying it is too soon to have a relationship.
great relationships are thin on the ground for women like me in their 50s with children . You only have to look at mumset dating threads to see that.

I have many single friends who really want a partner and have had no luck in years. I was fortunate enough to meet my bf soon after getting the courage to leave my ex.

the notion that I would have backed off because it was " too soon" is laughable . Fantastic single men are rare as far as I can see.

she only sees him once a week!
that's taking things very slowly !

You've only been separated seven months and seeing this new man for six of those. That's entirely your business but from your DD's pov she is anxious, she is unsettled, her instinct is to try and keep you to herself and get rid of him. Stop inviting him over for a while, see him away from home. Take things more slowly.

Btw the comment about you acting different that she made? You may only have disclosed three months after dating DP that you were seeing someone but I wouldn't be surprised if a 12 or 13 yo girl in the household had picked up on a shift in mood, her unhappy mum cheering up before the announcement to her and her brothers.

MrsBrown, same here. People are quite judgey about timescales, but as far as I was concerned I'd been practically single for the several years my ex was neglectful and distant. I'd already detached from him and was craving some affection, which I went looking for as soon as I'd built up my confidence enough to handle it.

In the minds of adults it might seem quick, but bear in mind how long the 6 week summer holiday felt as a kid!

Time isn't fixed, everyone experiences it differently and when 6 months is 1/12th of your lifetime instead of 1/80th of your lifetime it's bound to feel different, so 6 months to a 6 year old is not the same as it is to a 40 year old.

fantasticbuttocks and ziplex are exactly right.

I do agree though, there's no rush to move him in and I'm sure your dd would be more relaxed about the situation if she didn't feel that you were trying to replace her dad, that he is just your bf, not her step dad!

Maybe your dd doesn't want to be a family with him. You are blaming your children for your unhappiness in your marriage, this is really unfair. It might not be fast for you but it is for your dd.

How long do you plan to give it before you become a family together? I think your efforts would be better spent helping your dd get through the divorce and being abandoned by her dad, rather than her panicking about this man moving in.

tbh if I was 13 I'd feel nervous having a strange man my mums age living with me let alone one 20 years older/old enough to be my grandad