Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

[wonderingwendy]

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

Oh dear Op , I had this too. I would say she's jealous and insecure. It's still quite early days since you split with her Dad.

My DD would make it impossible for me to have a relationship. If I tried to go out she would suddenly become 'ill'. If I did manage to get out she would phone/ text constantly . We persevered for years , always included her , we often all went out for meals/cinema/theatre.
She would sometimes 'forget' herself and laugh and joke, then I could almost see her 'remember' and she'd turn all sullen again.

As she got older she was much better and was happy with the relationship - my other half wasn't and ended it.

I am now single and have given up bothering .

You separated from her dad seven months ago, and started dating be six months ago? That is very fast. Especially planning a future with him.

I will go by your word that he's lovely and this is serious, but it is far too fast for your daughter, I really feel for her. I wouldn't expect her to like ANY boyfriend at this stage. She needs time to heal from the breakup and extra attention from you, especially if she's not speaking to her father. You've moved on form the marriage but she has not and shouldn't be expected to be over it yet, she's had no time to process it and her family unit is completely changing again.

I would really consider cooling it with the boyfriend - if he's a nice guy that cares about your children he should understand - and focus your attention on you and your children as a unit yourselves, and some stability in that before introducing a new father figure into the plan. Your older boys won't have to stick around or be parenting by your new beau if they don't wish, you really need to value your younger children's perspectives here first.

Ah, cross posted with you Op. I see now. she always had my absolute attention Well, if that is now not the case, no wonder she is not happy. And if her experience of you in a relationship (with her father) was terrible and you were very unhappy, then that is her expectation of what you in a relationship will be like. So, no wonder she's not keen. She is worried her life is going to go downhill.

I think you need to make sure you spend plenty of time with her, one to one, if possible. Take her out to dinner while DS babysits. And keep new bf low key for now against my earlier advice about ice creams and fair rides

But I would still be insisting on good manners etc. If she misuses the internet, i.e. to send unpleasant messages to you, then the internet is turned off or her access to it reduced.

She is absolutely right in saying it's too fast! However, you have a right to a private life. Personally I would drop the visits to the house for now and I would also be wary of a man saying he wants to be a family so quickly. Keep it separate for now. Once a week is perfectly reasonable to be left with brother at 13 so I wouldn't worry about her being lonely and I would punish her for being rude to me.

Yes dump him OR keep him separate.

You should be thinkinh in terms of years imho before you introduce a new man to your DC. After 6 months of meeting once a week you can have no idea of what he is really like.

your dd must be all over the place the poor thing. And there's you playing all loved up and talking about being a family ffs. Recipe for disaster!

Maybe I didn't explain this properly
I have been seeing him for six months kids only knew of this for the last three months and in the last month is when they were introduced.
My ex is only interested in getting me back and doesn't give a shit about maintaining a relationship with the kids.
I will see him away from the house but even that she kicks up about. Ive reassured her time after time that it won't change our relationship.
She has said it doesn't matter who im with she won't
like it.she wants it just to be us four , am I not important? Ive been miserable for their sakes for years and if grabbing a chance of happiness is bad then yes im a bad person.

I would just see him without the family being there. Seven months is not a long time at all.

Of course you have to consider your DD's feelings but you are also entitled to a life. Her behaviour is understandable but she should not be rude to a guest in your house. Just proceed slowly would be my advice. I don't agree with this children must have their own way. Some children just will not tolerate their parent finding a new partner no matter how sensitively it's handled.

grabbing a chance of happiness is bad then yes im a bad person

Argh. This.

This man is not your ONLY chance of happiness. And you don't need to GRAB him.

You don't have a get-out cause for making bad decisions just because you've been unhappy in the past.

Why not keep your relationship separate from your children, and drop all this 'We're going to be a family' stuff. If you;re still together in a year, revisit the situation.

Whilst I would not allow my child to dictate much to me about my life, neither would I continue to force (in her eyes) a boyfriend on the family unless everyone was on board with it and she clearly isn't. Boys are often more straightforward about such things.

With respect, you're possibly not the best one to judge whether you're acting differently around him. Also, you began seeing him barely a month after splitting with her dad. Even if you only introduced them a month ago, that's still not long in her eyes. If he's already talking about "being a family" in the future, that won't have passed her by - even if the subject hasn't been specifically raised in front of her, she will have cottoned on that he's got his eye on the future by his attitude.

I don't blame her for being wary.

she wants it just to be us four , am I not important? Ive been miserable for their sakes for years and if grabbing a chance of happiness is bad then yes im a bad person

Yes, you are important.

BUT -

It is not DD's fault that you have been miserable for their sakes for years. Do NOT put that responsibility onto your children. You decided to stay too long where you weren't happy. And you decided that it was for their sakes. It sounds like you now resent them for it. But it was your choice, may not have been the right one, looking back. But your children are not responsible for that.

When a marriage breaks up extra effort has to be made for the DCs, to help them get over what the adults have put them through. They need more attention, not less. No wonder she is kicking off. She is telling you important stuff here OP. Listen to her. Get your kids sorted first after a divorce, keeping your own stuff in the background. It is not enough to reassure her that your relationship with her will not change, you have to actually show it. You have plenty of time to get the happiness you deserve…op, but you need to sort the dcs first.

Two separate issues here really that are interlinked.

I agree with PP that you do seem to have rushed headlong into this relationship and you need to slow your roll right down.

Re DD, as it is not himshe objects to, but the fact you have a relationship at all, then no, I would not stop seeing him on that basis. Also, she is 13 and in my experience 13 year old girls can be very negative and difficult anyway.

I know I trot this story out every time we get a thread like this, but here it comes again.....

A friend of mine split up with a man because her teenage DC didn't like him/wanted mum at home at their beck and call 24/7. A few years later, at the Christmas dinner table, her eldest, who was now engaged and had a new baby said "Oh mum, I bumped into John the other day at the shopping centre. He was really nice why did you two split up again?"

She has said it doesn't matter who im with she won't
like it.she wants it just to be us four

I think that is a perfectly reasonable wish for a 13 year old child whose parents separated 7 months ago following which she has lost her relationship with her father. Your right to happiness is important but it doesn't trump the right of a child to be put first and supported until she starts to feel secure again. Bringing a new man into her home who you already want to plan a new family with is going to do the opposite of that.

Having been the child in this situation, don't ignore her. Please, please, don't.

My DM met a man, when I was 11yo, who on the surface was a nice, working, kindly type, who, when we moved in, was lovely to begin with, but turned into a controlling, physically abusive, cocklodger, twat. Towards both of us. DM had no twat control, but, unfortunately I did from a young age.

However you say it, the kids were made aware of a new relationship only 4 months after the breakup of their previous family.

Of course you have a right to happiness. But pinning your happiness on this man after such a short amount of time at the expense of your daughter's security and comfort is not fair on her. I think you should by all means carry on seeing him, but definitely knock the chat about him becoming part of your family on the head and stop to popping round for tea.

If he's a good guy he will understand the importance of you and your dcs having time to readjust. If he is pushing for more inclusion in your family already it shows he hasn't got your children's best interests at heart.

On reading this it took me back to my mum's burgeoning relationship with my step-dad, who she met when I was around the same age as your daughter. He really is a wonderful man who I love dearly and I'm delighted he's in her life now but my god when they got together I was foul - really rude, absolutely hated him. I just didn't want to share my mum!

However, I then read you've only been separated 7 months and seeing this new bloke for six of those. That's no time at all. My mum and dad had been separated for a few years before my step dad appeared on the scene and I still found it difficult.

7 months is really no time at all, even if you're keen to move on. And please don't put responsibility on her for your happiness - it's not her fault you stayed in an unhappy relationship and she doesn't 'owe' you for it.

That's not to say you have to live like a nun, just be aware it's a sensitive situation and your daughter is hurting. She's had a lot to deal with and now a new man in her mum's life.

It also strikes me that if this man really is the one, he will be understanding of the situation.

In only 3-5 years she will be old enough to leave home.

If you love your dd, keep your relationship with your bf away from the family home for that period. If you and your bf are really in it for the long term, then you can wait that long before moving in together.

You split with her dad seven months ago and you've been seeing new fella for six?

Seems your daughter might think you've found a replacment far too quickly and easily. And, of course, she's probably all too aware that this relationship is sexual and that could be causing some discomfort on her part. It's bad enough coming to the realisation that your own parents have had sex, but with what to her is an unwelcome stranger, might be enough to put her off him for life.

The thing is, your daughter doesn't have to like your new man. There's no reason on God's earth why she should, just because he's yours.

Don't invite him round to your home for a cuppa any more. Keep your relationships outside your children's home and their lives.

OP you have to be the grown up in this situation.

See your new man, of course, but give your DD time and space to come to terms with the break up of her family and the loss of her father, before you bring him into the family.

If he is as good and sincere as you say he would expect nothing less.

Hmm well I was a moody 13 year old who didn't want my mother to have any kind of life after her and my dad separated. I found it extremely uncomfortable having to see her as a sexual person to be honest. The whole thing made me feel uncomfortable to the point of massive tantrums, tears and being extremely rude. And actually mum didn't do anything wrong. She did everything by the rules - and her boyfriends were nice (all 3 of them). But I made life hell for her and she ended up dumping all of them.

I'm not sure whether I'd have calmed down if she persevered or not. I don't know. I wasn't a happy teen anyway to be honest but because of my interfering mum didn't have a love life or any life until I was 20. I'm not sure that's healthy for anyone.

I am in a blended family myself now and dd was 8 when she met dh. We now have a toddler together too. I didn't introduce her until we had been seeing each other about 8 months and I had been separated from her dad for about 2 years. I think the timescales for your relationship is way way too fast. Dd and dh became best friends from the off because she was ready to meet someone new. He came out on a fun day out with us because I wanted it to be a positive experience - not meeting him just because he was my boyfriend.

I think it may just be too soon for your dd.

You say you reassure her it won't change your relationship with her, but that your boyfriend wants to be a family in the future.

So you're lying to her. She probably senses that.

Poor kid.
You will be acting differently.
He is "trying too hard" in her eyes - and he probably is, even if it is with the best of intentions.
Of course you get a life, and of course a 13yo doesn't get to dictate to you.
But... It's no time at all since you split up from her dad.
I'm not against early introductions - although my daughter is 5, and I might feel differently with an older child, or one with a different personality.
But I am against involving the kids if they're not comfortable, when it's so soon.
Sit down, listen to her. Carry on seeing him (though maybe be a bit careful with all this being a family and setious stuff) but don't have him just popping in for a cuppa. It's not necessary, and this soon, I don't think it's pandering to her to not involve her.
You'll still get difficult emotions from her about you seeing someone - but take the time to deal with those, not her being forced to be part of the relationship too!

And she doesn't believe that your relationship won't change. She is jealous of him and of your time/feelings for him.
I think as a child I would have viewed it in the same way I would now if my dh were to bring home a new woman and tell me nothing would change about our relationship, but she was joining the family.
OK, maybe not quite the same, but I would have been livid. Upset, jealous, the works.

Ive been miserable for their sakes for years

Really OP? Is this really how you think of it?

It's not their fault you married someone horrible and then had children with him. And it's not their fault that you're moving WAY too fast. They're people too you know. They don't exist just to please you and make your life as easy as possible.

Your DD has a right not to like this man, please don't make your divorce into even more of a nightmare for her. She will only be in your home for a few more years. Why make it all into a huge fight? Surely it's better to keep it slow and peaceful for their sake? You have the opportunity to allow your children some time with just you, in peace, before they leave home. Why not take that up?

You've been seeing each other for a millisecond. If she's only met him a month ago what on earth do you expect? Is she meant to love him? Trust him immediately? Do you know that if a teenage girl were to immediately trust a strange man that would actually be a BAD sign?

Are you really so desperate for male attention that you can't slow down for just couple of years?? If he's really serious about you, and cares about your DD, he would jump at the opportunity to make things easier for her.

Don't make my mother's mistake and ruin your relationship with your DD all for the sake of a man. Men will come and go. This is your child.