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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

349 replies

wonderingwendy · 02/06/2014 18:40

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 04/06/2014 03:23

What I think you are failing to understand, op, is that you have been mentally & emotionally checked out of your marriage, for what sounds like years. So moving on in a mouth to someone new, to you isn't all that unusual/odd to you. You haven't 'been' with anyone for a long time, as far as you are concerned, regardless of the marriage. So it probably doesn't even feel like a months 'break' between relationships to you. It probably felt like a lifetime.

But to your daughter, whose father has only just left, a month is no time at all. To her, it must feel like you left her father & immediately found this guy. You have almost just swapped man, in her mind.

It isn't easy to see your father as so easily replaceable. Because regardless of how hard/bad your marriage was, she only ever saw her mum & dad, she didn't properly see your unhappiness, your issues.

And it hurts when you yourself, don't get the time you need to come to terms with such a huge life change.

differentnameforthis · 04/06/2014 03:30

The mother got with a man that beat her up @ twice a week after that, but the daughter got a lot more attention so was happy with that.

Nice way to blame a child for her mother getting beaten up! How horrible are you to say that!

I suggest you read a little more of the thread & you will see that this little girl is getting a very raw deal!

FatherJake · 04/06/2014 05:38

OP, it's all about you, you, you and what you deserve after sacrificing so much. FFS take a step back and listen to yourself. No doubt giggling about on skype all day, desperately trying to integrate new man and then mooning about feeling sorry for yourself cos your daughter is spoiling your fun.

Get a grip and start thinking about your daughter. I suspect she will be in the picture for rather longer than your new boyfriend.

Toapointlordcopper · 04/06/2014 05:48

So OP introduced him to her a month ago and he has been round four times since?

If I were 13 and my mum skyped someone every day like a teenager and then tried to make me get on with a man old enough to be my grandad who suddenly started to come round once a week to my home 'for a cuppa', I reckon I'd not be taking it very well either.

I'm fact, I'd be pretty convinced my mum didn't give a shit about me.

As a 34 year old the OP will have many opportunities ahead for happiness, but the DD only gets one shot at a happy childhood.

I'm very glad I don't know the OP in real life, and very pleased I've never had to deal with any of my RL friends behaving so selfishly.

Only1scoop · 04/06/2014 06:02

Awful....your poor daughter.

You do sound selfish I'm afraid.

AndyYorkeSingsBetterThanThom · 04/06/2014 06:39

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SelectAUserName · 04/06/2014 07:55

Well done, OP, for having the strength to walk away from what sounds like a pretty loveless marriage. I hope you do get your shot at happiness, as you certainly deserve it, and if you've found a nice, emotionally available, respectful man - that's great.

However. I do think in your understandable excitement, you have rushed things where your DD is concerned. Some of what is happening sounds like normal 13yo hormones, but mostly it sounds like a very unhappy and insecure young girl trying to get her mum to listen to her fears.

Take a step back, OP. Put aside the defensiveness and the resentment and re-read, as objectively as you can, the posts from PP's who were in similar positions as children, and the damage that has done to their parental relationships over time. They're not saying these things to be cruel, they're trying to give you a warning. You're at a crossroads here with your relationship with your daughter and it could go either way depending on your next move.

You know what I'd do if I were you? I'd speak to your new man very frankly. I'd say something like "I really like you, I really want to carry on seeing you and I'm excited about where this might go. But at the same time I think I've rushed things along too much with my children and for their sake, and for the sake of having the best shot of us all being happy together down the line, I need to slow it right down. Date night once a week out of the house, a couple of sessions on Skype per week at weekday lunchtimes. Are you okay with that?" (Note no hint of blaming your daughter's behaviour for YOUR decision here.) If he is the lovely wannabe-family man you think and need him to be, he'll be absolutely fine and you'll know you've got a keeper. If he goes off on one, becomes petulant or tries to put pressure on you, then your daughter's perception will be proven correct.

I'm not pretending it will be easy, OP, because when I suggest slowing it right down, I mean for months at least, possibly even years - as long as it takes for your DD to trust that you do put her first and to accept that Mr New Man is not going to come between you both - which, to be fair, it sounds as though he has to an extent up to now. And you need to do this with a happy heart and the desire to help your daughter have the happiness in childhood she is entitled to - no resentment, no pressure, no trying to hurry things back to "happy families" before she's ready.

If there needed to be, there could be other men for you in the future. But your daughter only has one mum. Don't be the kind of mum who puts being with a man, any man, above their child's happiness and peace of mind. I'm sure you're not that type of woman. It's important your daughter can be sure of it too.

Isetan · 04/06/2014 09:25

Exactly what SelectAUserName, slow down and listen to your DD because she is trying to talk to you.

brdgrl · 04/06/2014 09:52

OP, I think you're getting some dud advice here. Your DD is 13. Do not give her too much power. And yes, of course you need and deserve a love life; having children does not diminish that.

She said she doesn't like him as she thinks he is trying to hard and thinks he is funny and that I act different around him (I don't) she thinks we are moving too fast
Not exactly shocking material. This is pretty much a textbook response from a 13-year-old to her mum's new boyfriend. She doesn't have to like him. But this isn't red flag material, these are the standard complaints of any teenager ever about an adult they don't want around but can't find any particular fault with - tries too hard, thinks he's funny, mum acts different around him.

but I don't want her to dictate to me when and where I can see him.
Don't. You are the mum.

You ought to be able to address your DD's concerns and listen to her feelings - without letting a child stop you from developing a relationship.

Don't put "any man" above your children's happiness. Sure, OK, good advice for anyone. That doesn't mean waiting "years" to date. You would not be a 'good mum' if you decided to give up a relationship with the right man for you and your family (frankly, a judgement your DD is not in a position to make) - you'd be a martyr, and you wouldn't be showing your DD your own worth.

Do you have good friends and family around you? What do they tell you? Are they concerned about the relationship? There are many reasons for you to be cautious about starting a new relationship. "DD just doesn't like him" isn't a good enough one. Good luck to you.

PlantsAndFlowers · 04/06/2014 10:03

The advice hasn't been to wait years to date though, more to wait years to bring him into the family. I agree with SelectAUserName

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 10:14

It isn't even really waiting years to bring him into the family just waiting more than OP knowing him 6 months, daughter knowing about him for 3 months. All only 7 months after the breakdown of her parents relationship.

Just because she's only 13 doesn't mean she doesn't deserve a bit of respect and acceptance that she is just not ready for him as part of her family.

Rhine · 04/06/2014 10:31

So you split up with her dad scene months ago, then got together with this bloke six months ago? So you'd already got together with someone else within a month of your marriage ending? Why do some people just jump from one relationship straight into another without giving themselves a breather? It's no wonder your DD is struggling to adapt.

You sound very selfish. "me, me, me", and although it's quite sweet for a teenage couple to spend all their skyping each other, at 34 and 54 respectively I find that rather sad and slightly odd.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/06/2014 10:43

brd Nobody said to wait years and nobody said that dd should dictate the OP's life.

But splitting from dad then hooking up with random man four weeks later is shoddy by anyone's standards, or it should be anyway.

I really despise this "she's a child so she shouldn't have an opinion" attitude.

OP has swanned around with this new bloke when these kids have had their world turned upside down.

She owes it to her children to be sensitive to their needs. That's our job as parents.

And playing the big "I sacrificed so much" game doesn't really work, since her children never asked her to do that.

duchesse · 04/06/2014 10:46

IME 13 year olds often have very clear heads. I would listen to your DD and find out truly why she doesn't like him.

GoshAnneGorilla · 04/06/2014 11:04

brdgrl - are you missing the part where the OP Skype's this man "all day, every day"? Do you think that's healthy and can you not understand why that might be overwhelming to a 13 year old who has already been rejected by her father?

Only1scoop · 04/06/2014 11:05

I think it's really sad I feel very sorry for her dd.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 11:11

I really despise this "she's a child so she shouldn't have an opinion" attitude.

This, it really pisses me off too. She's a child so her opinion shouldn't matter, but she should also be adult enough to accept her Mum's want/need to integrate a man she hasn't known for long into her family dynamic, she should be adult enough to understand that even though her Mum gave her 100% of her attention when she was unhappy that is now being taken away because she has someone knew to make her happy. Hmm

TBH it reads a bit like "I have a new toy so I don't want to play with my old one anymore". The issues here lie with the OP IMHO not this young girl. She seems to be the one that has her head screwed on.

mrsbrownsgirls · 04/06/2014 11:48

you lot make me laugh.
On any other thread along the lines of "how did you know your dh was THE ONE " you get people saying stuff like 'on the first date, been married 60 years, got 19 kids between us "
and everyone applauds and thinks it's lovely .

OP if you are still here, my lovely DD came round to my DP once I started to introduce him MORE not less.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 11:51

Nobody is saying that the OP doesn't know that this is the love of her life. She may well do but just because she wants to go lightening fast with her relationship doesn't mean that her children should be forced into the same.

mrsbrownsgirls · 04/06/2014 11:51

great sensible advice from brdgirl.

I detect a lot of bitterness on this thread. A sad but common feature of MN regards relationships .

I swear some of you have a part time hobby trying to get women to break up with their partners.

And the insults to OP should stop.

mrsbrownsgirls · 04/06/2014 11:52

lightening fast? One date a week?
Biscuit

mrsbrownsgirls · 04/06/2014 12:04

"I've been miserable for their sakes for years"

I know exactly how she feels, and it has bugger all to do with blaming your children.
If you don't get this , I envy you because you have never experienced what she actually means .

It's about being in a relationship with your children's father that once seemed good ( or good enough) and slowly over time you realise is actually crap but you stay because you think you might be able to rescue it and that would be best for your children and the family unit . And it's never 100% bad, and you hope against hope things will change back to being good (enough).

Then one day you realise it will never get better, you are desperately unhappy, the mood in the house is horrible , and you take your courage in both hands and make the split because you eventually accept that staying together for the sake of the children rarely is for the best .

Then if like me and OP if you are really lucky as well as feeling like a rock has been lifted from your chest you get the added bonus of falling in love with someone wonderful who loves you right back . ANd more importantly this new person sees some point in the probably distant future when you can be a new blended family.

As opposed to a wonderful new partner whose only fault is he/she doesn't like the fact you come as a package with kids.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 12:06

Skyping all day every day, going out once a week and having him around her children 7 months after separating from your husband. Yeah that's fast if you ask me.

I absolutely do not think that the OP should break up with her boyfriend, I don't think she should force him on her Daughter either though.

I am a single Mum, I am all for people moving on from their past relationships but there is better ways to go about it than what the OP is doing IMHO.

MultipleMama · 04/06/2014 12:27

We are not disputing her relationship, or how fast it's going, we honestly don't care if he's "the one", the OP is asking advice on how to go about it with her daughter. It may not be fast for her, and she's enjoying the pace, but it's too fast for her daughter! That's the point most of us are trying to make.

"frankly, a judgement your DD is not in a position to make"

I think she's perfectly in her right to make a judgement on him, she doesn't have to stuck it up and deal with him for her mum's sake as it seems her mum isn't too fussed about her atm. Her mum is bringing this man into her life and into her home as well. To include her dd and her feelings while setting boundaries makes a good mum. I doubt she's a martyr.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/06/2014 12:28

I really despise this "she's a child so she shouldn't have an opinion" attitude

I didn't think anyone had said that? Many of us seem to feel that of course she can have an opinion, but that it's not the only one in the family

Without doubt this all seems a bit quick, but allowing children to call the shots can turn into a never-ending problem; I've known families who've done it over other issues, and the results aren't pretty when they get into their twenties, still believing that it's only their feelings which count

Surely, with a bit of tact on all sides, this can be sorted out in a way which will (more or less) suit everyone??