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Original poster

Weddings and old affairs - would this be messed up?

108 replies

nwpaperpusher80 · 01/06/2014 19:45

I know this is a sensitive topic and i’m expecting to be flamed for this but would really like some opinions.

My boyfriend has recently proposed and it’s early days but we’ve started talking about and planning the wedding. Last night we were talking about who we’d invite and he said he’d like to ask a few of his closest colleagues and asked if i’d do the same. I said yes as there are 4 or 5 that i consider friends and would like to come but now I don’t know if this would be messed up as two of them are guys that i’ve slept with and basically been the ow to.

They are both married but about two years ago there was a year where I was involved on and off with both of them. I’m not proud of myself for that time, it was a difficult year for me in other ways although I can’t really excuse my behaviour, we were all just very selfish. They know each other and work together too but did not and still don’t know about my involvement with the other. Apart from being with both of them I was otherwise single.

I came to my senses and put an end to it with both of them and somehow managed to extradite myself from the situation without either of their partners or anyone else finding out. We all still work together and now have healthy working relationships, we don’t work as closely as we used to and everything is above board, there is no flirting or secrecy or anything.

My DF doesn’t know my history with these guys, they happened before I met him and I haven’t thought about and wouldn’t ever cheat on him. I don’t want to tell him because i’m not proud of this time in my life and don’t want him to know I was the OW and also I have never told anyone, only me and these two guys know and although I don’t think my DF would do anything I don’t want more people finding out.

I don’t think anything would happen at the wedding, i’m not worried about anyone saying anything I just don't know if it is unfair on my DF and these guys wives to have them come to my wedding given my previous relationships with them? Can we all carry on the being normal or is putting all our OHs in one place pushing it too far?

My priority is my DF, we’ve all moved on i just don’t want to do one more shitty thing by bringing him into it and putting him in a situation where there is history that he doesn’t know about it and would be upset if he did.

I know simplest thing would be to just not invite them but they are probably my two closest colleagues and would look strange if I didn't. Sorry this is so long

OP posts:
mmmuffins · 01/06/2014 19:52

I personally wouldn't invite them if the history makes you at all uncomfortable.

Are you inviting other colleagues? Is it possible to just not invite anyone from work so that it is not odd that those two in particular have not been invited?

holdyourown · 01/06/2014 19:53

Why not just say you don't intend to invite work colleagues as it saves anyone at work feeling put out, or something. Or tell your dp you slept with them? Are you worried about getting married having witheld this big thing from dp? Of course it would be odd to invite them imo

RRRJ83 · 01/06/2014 20:11

If it is a year ago, and you've all moved on, I think you're being paranoid. It doesn't bother you at work so why would it at a celebration where nobody will want to cause drama for you.

I would only not invite them if it would distract from you relaxing and enjoying the day for yourself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2014 20:11

I would be deeply uncomfortable making chitchat and small talk with women and their lying, cheating husbands at my wedding. It's all just a bit unhealthy. Add to that the factor of your DF not knowing. Yuk.

RRRJ83 · 01/06/2014 20:12

Or talk to the colleagues and ask how they think their wives would feel and let them decide whether or not to attend?

IrianofWay · 01/06/2014 20:14

Just don't invite them. Assuming their wives knew they'd probably demand total NC - so do it for them and dont invite them of their spouses to your wedding. And tell your fiance why. He won't be upset it if happened before his day but he might be if he finds out why they werent invited after the event,

Spinaroo · 01/06/2014 20:14

I definitely wouldn't invite them- you really don't want this added dimension.

CoffeeTea103 · 01/06/2014 20:17

You've been the ow twice? Best you let your df know who he is getting involved with Confused. You seriously are considering inviting these two guys, their partners , not telling your DH ? Poor him.

magoria · 01/06/2014 20:19

You want to invite people who shat all over their marriage vows and the poor people they did it to and have probably continued to dupe to celebrate your getting married!

I would avoid just in case one of the wives decides to tell everyone what they think of you.

Pancakeflipper · 01/06/2014 20:22

A colleague of mine was in a situation very similar to the colleagues you slept with, - he was asked to her wedding (as were a few others of us who hadn't slept with the bride)

He found it freaked him out a little and he didn't feel settled with it ( and ended up blurting out to me and few other close colleagues all about their 'relationship' after too many lagers before the wedding). We knew they had been close mates but didn't realise it was an 'affair'.

He booked a weekend away with his partner and then claimed "oh so sorry we are away that weekend.."

I don't see why you have to invite them as it is obviously making you feel uncomfy and a little anxious. Make your life simple and strike them off the list - I bet they'll understand why.

AnyFucker · 01/06/2014 20:25

Just don't invite them then

I don't see the problem Confused

BolshierAyraStark · 01/06/2014 20:26

I really wouldn't invite them-presuming you'll be expecting them to bring their wives? How uncomfortable for you to face both women knowing that the husband who brought them has been balls deep in you on several occasions... Hmm

MaryWestmacott · 01/06/2014 20:28

Have you met the wives? Are you 100% certain the wives don't know? Or at least suspect? A few drinks, seeing your DHs ow on her wedding day, you really don't want someone talking.

I think it would be inappropriate to invite them, it would be completely wrong to have the wives there and may well spoil your day if you look at the wives and realised you helped their DHs break their wedding vows.

Your options are to either not invite anyone from work, or take these blokes to one side (obviously separately!) and say you think it would be inappropriate to invite them and their wives to your wedding, but it might raise questions at work why you haven't, so could you officially invite them and then they decline as prior engagement, never mentioning the invite to their spouses.

However, I'd go for the "inviting no one from work" and completely keeping your friends and family away from work colleagues, you might not have been as discreet as you think and others have guessed, if you want to keep your DP in the dark, you'll need to avoid a situation where colleagues can chat to him after a few glasses of wine.

PoundingTheStreets · 01/06/2014 20:42

If it's ancient history, everyone is over it, discretion was kept and it is all properly in the past, the only relationship you have with these two Xs is purely professional. You are inviting them to the wedding as colleagues, not Xs.

Or it isn't. The fact you've posted makes me wonder if you're scared something may come out. Which implies you are concerned that at least one of the three of you isn't on the same page. If you have any doubts, I would not invite.

I find it curious that you can't talk about your past with your fiancé though. TBH that doesn't bode well. While an OW has to do some soul-searching IMO, the fact is that you weren't the one being unfaithful. I would hope that your relationship with the man you are going to marry would be strong enough that he can know your past - warts and all - and love you despite it (or possibly because of it if it has made you a wiser, better person). I'd be worried that your inability to let your fiance see a less-than-idealised you is symptomatic of exactly the same underlying insecurities that led you into have affairs with these two guys in the first place.

All that aside, good luck in finding a solution and I wish you all the best on your upcoming marriage. Smile

Original poster
nwpaperpusher80 · 01/06/2014 21:02

Thanks. I want to invite a couple of others so think simplest thing will be to invite them but ask them to decline.

I will think some more about telling DF, I don't want to lie to him or have secrets but also don't want to drag this up again and don't want to change his opinion of me. We've talked before about cheating and I know he thinks badly of people who do it

OP posts:
holdyourown · 01/06/2014 21:09

Are you totally over these work colleagues you slept with now or are hoping for some kind of reaction from them (sorry if that's way off the mark it's just how it comes across as a possibility to me)

Original poster
nwpaperpusher80 · 01/06/2014 21:17

it's ok it's a fair enough question but yes definitely over them and not looking for a reaction.

I suppose have realised that although i've thought it was all over and I could forget about it I know I should tell my df but then it opens up more complications as I still work with them both and I know I wouldn't be comfortable with that if the roles were reversed.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 01/06/2014 21:18

Op you know that the truth always comes out one way or the other. I think you should tell him first rather than let him hear it from someone else.

Isetan · 01/06/2014 21:21

You haven't told your boyfriend because you think your past reflects badly on you, what the hell do you think inviting these men and possibly their poor unsuspecting partners to your wedding says? Do not invite them FFS, why would you even consider it?

Itsfab · 01/06/2014 21:26

You really can not seriously invite women to your wedding whose husbands you were sleeping with behind their backs!

I think your husband to be would be pretty pissed off if he found out you had shagged them both and had them at your wedding. Not everyone can be friends with someone their partner has slept with and it is such a big deal I really think you have to tell him. You don't have to say you were shagging them both at the same time if you think he will think less of you.

Itsfab · 01/06/2014 21:28

Invite them but ask them to decline? Hmm

Are you going to tell them why? Hmm.

RedRoom · 01/06/2014 21:29

If this only happened two years ago, I don't think it is very appropriate for you to be inviting them to your wedding along with their wives.

Yes, in your own words, it is fucked up to have a DF who doesn't know that, until very recently, you were having sex with two married men at the same time and that he is now friends with them both (you say they are his 'closest colleagues') and wants them at his wedding.

I know that you regret things and aren't proud of it, but because this is so recent, and because he knows them, and also because you still work with them both, I think it would be pretty low and deceptive to invite them and their wives to your wedding and smile happily at them while your DF and their poor wives smile along.

AnyFucker · 01/06/2014 21:36

It would cause a delicious frisson of drama though, wouldn't it ?

As if weddings are not drama enough Hmm

Original poster
nwpaperpusher80 · 01/06/2014 21:40

Itsfab - I'm sure they'll know why, I don't know if they'd want to come anyway

Redroom - they're my colleagues not df's. He doesn't know them

Anyfucker - I want the opposite of drama

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/06/2014 21:41

I don't believe you