Weddings and old affairs - would this be messed up?

[nwpaperpusher80]

I know this is a sensitive topic and i’m expecting to be flamed for this but would really like some opinions.

My boyfriend has recently proposed and it’s early days but we’ve started talking about and planning the wedding. Last night we were talking about who we’d invite and he said he’d like to ask a few of his closest colleagues and asked if i’d do the same. I said yes as there are 4 or 5 that i consider friends and would like to come but now I don’t know if this would be messed up as two of them are guys that i’ve slept with and basically been the ow to.

They are both married but about two years ago there was a year where I was involved on and off with both of them. I’m not proud of myself for that time, it was a difficult year for me in other ways although I can’t really excuse my behaviour, we were all just very selfish. They know each other and work together too but did not and still don’t know about my involvement with the other. Apart from being with both of them I was otherwise single.

I came to my senses and put an end to it with both of them and somehow managed to extradite myself from the situation without either of their partners or anyone else finding out. We all still work together and now have healthy working relationships, we don’t work as closely as we used to and everything is above board, there is no flirting or secrecy or anything.

My DF doesn’t know my history with these guys, they happened before I met him and I haven’t thought about and wouldn’t ever cheat on him. I don’t want to tell him because i’m not proud of this time in my life and don’t want him to know I was the OW and also I have never told anyone, only me and these two guys know and although I don’t think my DF would do anything I don’t want more people finding out.

I don’t think anything would happen at the wedding, i’m not worried about anyone saying anything I just don't know if it is unfair on my DF and these guys wives to have them come to my wedding given my previous relationships with them? Can we all carry on the being normal or is putting all our OHs in one place pushing it too far?

My priority is my DF, we’ve all moved on i just don’t want to do one more shitty thing by bringing him into it and putting him in a situation where there is history that he doesn’t know about it and would be upset if he did.

I know simplest thing would be to just not invite them but they are probably my two closest colleagues and would look strange if I didn't. Sorry this is so long

Yes they were the ones who broke their vows but you are the one who was considering inviting their unsuspecting wives to your wedding. It's grim.

Yes, I agree with this point too. Do you realised that, most will enter a marriage with excitement and all the joy that one should feel, but instead, you "fear" these two people who may sabotage your marriage and wedding. This is fear. You shouldn't have this much fear to even begin with...

The reason why every one seems to be amicable is because not everybody knows the whole truth. If they knew, then they may or may not be angry with you. The thing is, for your marriage, he should be the one to know what you did and did not do. To accept you whole-heartedly, and the only thing that can allow you to let go of these kind of thing is if you actually can be truthful with him without ever having to lie about anything.

Even the ex that I ditched just now. Showed me the card design of this other lady who he dated before ! I was so disappointed with him. But I also did continue to be there for him a little bit more. Still. I have not done the jealous GF thing back then, but at least he was honest... even if he hung onto the past girls that he dated.

I'm sorry if i've upset anyone, i'm not trying to goad people just asking advice and i've got it.

I do care about their wives, it's why I ended it

If I found out I unwittingly went to the OW wedding, it would make everything worse. It would feel like it was still on at that time.

Don't invite people from work. End of.

I don't think you're a bad person OP, I just can't understand your thinking on this.

Help ruin two marriages but then get them to celebrate yours?

It is just mind blowing that you would consider that. I can't even wrap my head around the fact that you would consider getting married in front of two women whose husbands you shagged.

Unbelievable.

Maybe this is a sign that you can't really be friends with people who you had an affair with. Also, that you can't marry someone who you aren't honest with. Secrets and lies, they fester.

I haven't ruined their marriages, they are both still together and happy with their wives who I am sure do not know about me.

I don't agree that you should tell your boyfriend though.

He might find out; he might now. But really, what happened before you met him isn't something he has a right to know about.

Do not allow these men or women to come to your wedding though.

Ok, you didn't ruin their marriages that you know of (you have no idea what goes on behind closed door) but you had sex with their husbands knowing it could ruin their marriages.

It doesn't really matter if you ruined them or not, it is just wrong to ask them to celebrate your marriage when you ran the risk of helping to ruin theirs.

Sorry for typos in my other posts; fat fingers as my fake nails were removed ;)

They might not know about it but you did help to ruin their marriages.

Inviting them and asking them to decline is involving them in a lie between you and them that your fiancé and their wives don't know about. If you can't see that us the wrong way to start a marriage then, well I don't know. It's startlingly obvious to me.

I know this is a sensitive topic and i’m expecting to be flamed for this but would really like some opinions.

You know what you need to do.
The fact that you are confused already over this and cannot see a straight answer means that this situation has created you into a person that you probably is not to begin with. Because if this was the true you, then you would know what to do straight away without even asking for our opinions and judgments. It means that your judgments are not straight any more, and you need to find a way to correct this. White-lying is our ego trying to protect our pride. You know its wrong. At least marry someone representing the true you. I would go for counselling to address the judgment side, and so that you do not feel any further fear any more, and actually delay the wedding whilst you go through that and marry as an absolute honest woman.

We all make mistakes and should be allowed to move on from them.

Which is why I find it puzzling that you are still close enough to these men even to consider inviting them.

Regardless of the wedding, if you were one of those wives and you found out that 2 years after an affair your husband was still pally with the OW, that would be horrendous.

Do the right thing and politely distance yourself from these "friends".

If I were to analyse it I'd think you like the feeling of being matey with these two guys you managed to bag despite being married. You like the feeling of power and attractiveness it gives you.

Prove me wrong and distance yourself. It's the right thing to do.

BTW I don't think you need to tell your husband, but being close friends with two guys you shagged just before you got together (I presume) probably wouldn't go down well either.

Are these coffees and lunches with the colleagues just the two of you by any chance?

You haven't ruined their marriages, is this because the wives never found out? How would they feel if they did? And the fact they cheered you on at your wedding? And how would your df feel THEN??
These things have a nasty way of coming out in the wash, at the worst times too.
For instance: my friend Rita. Rita was in an unhappy marriage and started screwing around with Dave at work. They were friends before. Rita's marriage improved and Rita stopped screwing dave and they remained friends. We were all friends.
We knew nothing of this when we all went on a weekend away together which had cost a fortune. somehow rita's husband found out, to this day I don't know how but cue huge explosion and the end of Rita's marriage. Very messy. We hid in the bar and felt very awkward.
Rita is now happily remarried and still friends with Dave, but came clean to her new husband about a time she wasn't proud of, regrets and will never do again but had to explain about Dave.

I would come clean to your fiance, you're going to spend the rest of your life with him and everyone has skeletons in the closet. But if you remain friends and he finds out about your past in the future it could get nasty. And it's not nice to live your life under an umbrella of 'what if he finds out....'

Ask yourself what would inviting these men and their unsuspecting spouses achieve? Would it demonstrate 'How over it you are and look how civilized I'm being'. If you were as ashamed and remorseful as you profess to be then you wouldn't have contemplated the notion. There's a selfish and playing with fire element to your 'dilemma' which illustrates an immaturity that you should work on.

How long between finding out these men were married and you ending it?

Have you thought about what you are going to say to the wives of the men you slept with if they do come to your wedding?

I think you have to tell your fiancé. It will be much harder for him if he finds out later you slept with his mates and you said nothing. It will make him wonder what else you are hiding from him.

You've been given a lot to think about here, but one more question- do you want to invite these men to your wedding because they are important to you? Your relationships with them have ended, but if they remain emotionally important to you, it would make sense that you feel it would be strange to draw up a guest list of the people who matter to you, but leave their names off.

Mary - out of my colleagues they are among the ones I'm closest to but generally they are not important in my life, I don't feel like i need to have them there

I would be gutted if I found out that my husband had shagged a couple of guests at our wedding if I didn't know about it- even more gutted if they were affairs and the unsuspecting partners were there.

Saying that, I would be gutted if I I found out that he was once the other man (especially so close to our relationship starting).

Don't get it at all - if they are 'generally not important in your life' why the fuck would you invite them your wedding? Starting to sound like your would enjoy the drama of having both these men (and their wives) hear you make the same vows that they desecrated with you.

Nasty.

This is just so wrong on all levels.

Then you've answered your own question, they are more important than other colleagues, but not very important, then surely it's easy to just invite none of your colleagues?

The only reason to invite them would be for some sort of drama, or to have them there to see you be the centre of attention. See you marrying your DP so they can clearly see they cant have you, game playing and still making their feelings towards you as important to you.

And you might well have ruined their marriages, even if they haven't split up, IME people having affairs, tend to disengage at home to make it mentally easier to cheat. It's hard to get that back once you've done it, even if you decide you do really love your DP/H/W, they might not be as responsive if you've treated them like shit for a while. If their DW's do know (and just because the men haven't told them, doesn't mean the woman didn't work it out that something was going on, even if they thought just their DHs had a crush on you), there would be the risk of one of them saying something.

Just tell your DP that you aren't really close enough to any of your colleagues to want them there.

Then for the sake of your marriage, I suggest you start looking for a new job. A surprisingly high number of people start affairs in the first year of marriage, they've had often a year of being the centre of attention, and suddenly life's all a bit dull. Make getting a new job your 'post wedding project'. You know you're a high risk person as you were able to be the OW so you can be able to morally compartmentalise.