Weddings and old affairs - would this be messed up?

[nwpaperpusher80]

I know this is a sensitive topic and i’m expecting to be flamed for this but would really like some opinions.

My boyfriend has recently proposed and it’s early days but we’ve started talking about and planning the wedding. Last night we were talking about who we’d invite and he said he’d like to ask a few of his closest colleagues and asked if i’d do the same. I said yes as there are 4 or 5 that i consider friends and would like to come but now I don’t know if this would be messed up as two of them are guys that i’ve slept with and basically been the ow to.

They are both married but about two years ago there was a year where I was involved on and off with both of them. I’m not proud of myself for that time, it was a difficult year for me in other ways although I can’t really excuse my behaviour, we were all just very selfish. They know each other and work together too but did not and still don’t know about my involvement with the other. Apart from being with both of them I was otherwise single.

I came to my senses and put an end to it with both of them and somehow managed to extradite myself from the situation without either of their partners or anyone else finding out. We all still work together and now have healthy working relationships, we don’t work as closely as we used to and everything is above board, there is no flirting or secrecy or anything.

My DF doesn’t know my history with these guys, they happened before I met him and I haven’t thought about and wouldn’t ever cheat on him. I don’t want to tell him because i’m not proud of this time in my life and don’t want him to know I was the OW and also I have never told anyone, only me and these two guys know and although I don’t think my DF would do anything I don’t want more people finding out.

I don’t think anything would happen at the wedding, i’m not worried about anyone saying anything I just don't know if it is unfair on my DF and these guys wives to have them come to my wedding given my previous relationships with them? Can we all carry on the being normal or is putting all our OHs in one place pushing it too far?

My priority is my DF, we’ve all moved on i just don’t want to do one more shitty thing by bringing him into it and putting him in a situation where there is history that he doesn’t know about it and would be upset if he did.

I know simplest thing would be to just not invite them but they are probably my two closest colleagues and would look strange if I didn't. Sorry this is so long

Another vote for just not inviting them. There is no need to make a big deal out of it, particularly as (by the sound of it) you haven't even set a date for your wedding yet, or chosen a venue or anything.
I am inclined to agree with AF that you are getting a bit overexcited about your incredibly dramatic life and your Sinful Secrets and the fact that all these men find you so irresistible and all the rest of it. As to whether or not to tell your fiance, whatever you did before you began a relationship with him is not really his business and certainly not anything he can reproach you for.

Don't invite them - it just creates another layer of not-very-nice as others have said. Just tell your fiance that you don't want to invite anyone from work because if you invite some and not others, people will resent it so it's simpler not to invite any of them.

Also there is a risk that other people DID know but just kept it reasonably quiet. IME people usually know if there's an affair in the workplace. You don't want someone getting pissed and saying something.

I also think you should consider whether you are secretly getting off on the drama and subterfuge of it all.

oh please, OP get over yourself.

Tacky, tasteless and unpleasant. Yuk.

LOL at 'we've all moved on'.

Well yes. Not that their wives have had much choice or awareness at all in the matter.

Not just here to have a go though. OP, you look back at that time and say that you're not proud of yourself. Which is good. My advice would be to now put your money where your mouth is, so to speak, and have more honour and decency than to have these men at your wedding, standing next to the women they and you deceived, watching you take your wedding vows. Have more decency now than you had then and - for whatever reason - don't invite them. And also a no to creating more inappropriate secrecy and drama by inviting them and asking them to decline.

Another thing. I would bet quite a bit of cash that your work colleagues, at least some of them, would have been aware of the situation, even if it were just rumour. These things just become known.

As for telling your DF, as SGB says, he has no right at all to have a go at you for what happened in your life and relationships before him. However, I guess if you're afraid that he'll judge your kindness and general decency as a person by the way you acted then, I can understand your reluctance to tell him.

This sounds really fucked up. Getting these people together , with their unsuspecting wives , and your unsuspecting husband , looks like a fucked up power play.

Firstly, high five on managing to bag TWO of the blokes you work with, impressive skills!!
Secondly, NO. No way in hell. Ever. Your wedding is something that you should treat as a very serious, momentous occasion that you'll (hopefully) only do once. Having two men in the congregation who know what the bride looks like when she's giving a blow job somewhat takes away from the magic of the day.
Just keep it family and close friends. Who you haven't slept with.

I know someone whose husband recently left her and when he ended it he admitted that he'd had 3 affairs and who they were with. She confronted these women and their partners. This is why I think you should talk about this with your fiancé. Imagine if this happens to you in the future, how would he react if one of these women contact you or your finance after finding out about the affair?

I definitely wouldn't invite them to the wedding (or pretend to invite, that's just odd).

What you did before you met your partner might be none of their business but I for one wouldn't have gone out with anyone who slept with married women. The fiancé in this case is entitled to know what she is prepared to do to get her own wants satisfied.

I wouldn't invite them... they were just F-buddies from a period of your life you have moved on from - the fact that you have to ask shows it's weird.

Go for counselling before marriage.

Thanks everyone for your comments even though some are a little hard to read. Maisie0 can I ask why you think I need counselling?

I am not looking for drama, I thought it was probably too weird and your comments have confirmed it, it is certainly no great loss for me not to have them there so for now I am not going to tell df and am just going to say it's simpler if I don't invite any of them.

Mary - I'm not still having a relationship with either of them but we are still friendly. I don't see them outside of work unless in a group but would have a coffee or lunch with them. I know that sounds strange but now that quite a lot of time has passed our history doesn't come into it and they're the same as my other colleagues.

Word of warning - if I was invited to a wedding and I knew the Bride had slept with my DH I would be tempted to go and ruin her whole day by loudly telling everyone all about it.
But maybe that's just me
There no guarantee these women don't know

And if one of the men gets pissed, drunkenly mentions to another friend 'I've had her' and they tell someone else etc etc. there could be a huge alcohol fuelled mess. Don't go there.

Agree with Hoppingreen. How do you know the wives of these men you were sleeping with don't know all about your tawdry affairs.

Yuk yuk yuk. Can't believe you'd celebrate your own marriage by inviting two couples whose own marriages you put at risk.

Well, the old fashioned me wanted to be honest before I marry. I don't know, that is just me. But, since we are older, and I know that maybe some people think that this is okay. I would still tell my partner my history as well, so that he knows exactly who I am and why. Who are important to me in my life, and who is not and so forth.

The counselling part is because you want us to tell you that you can white lie into a marriage, but how can he not 1) know your past first any way before you marry, and 2) at least to have a clean conscience, and without any emotional ties and anything to blackmail yourself and hold you back. The fact that you have to ask if this is okay by "us", tells me that you feel "guilt" somewhere, and it will manifest itself in one way or another later on. If you marry, marry with honesty at least. Otherwise you will forever be wondering, and also ponder a lot on this too.

Even when I was dating an ex, he accused me of having short term affairs, of which I did not have any. Only when I found out that I answered a silly question wrongly which gave him this impression. I burned through emotional volcanic hell and back. I would definitely clear it with him so that you can have true secure feeling within your own relationship moving forward. And making sure that any bad habits can never appear again.

Don't invite them and have a long engagement.......

Reading your comments, I just can't not think about how these women will feel when they find out their husbands cheated on them with you and then you had the fucking audacity to consider inviting them to your wedding.

It may be water under the bridge for you, but it's not for them.

And you just don't seem to give a fuck.

i do give a fuck but I can’t take back what happened.

I’m not trying to start a big defence of OW here, I have no excuses for what I did but at the end of the day they were the ones who were married and were breaking their vows. I ended it with them

It really is another kick in the teeth when the wives find out.

I really hope this thread is just a shit attempt at goading and attention seeking as any one of us could be the wife of the man you fucked.

" but at the end of the day they were the ones who were married and were breaking their vows. I ended it with them."

Doesn't make you less disgraceful than them and what do you want for ending it with them, a medal?

Ok, question time. Did you know that they were married before you guys entered the relationship. If so why. And if you were single, did you realised that if you started a fling with somebody, you would get attached to them, and that it will just perpetually make you also continue to cling too. You will want validation from the next person. Did you realise and recognise when you are vulnerable like that ? Do you even know know yourself well ? Cos if you did not have the will power to pull back, and to have some good decent GF to drag you back, then what makes you think that you won't do this again ? Do not you care for the feeling of being secure, and being content within a relationship with somebody and also to protect their interests too ? Because if you do not want to protect the interest of your fiancee as well and is just "glad to be married", then you are not truly ready for marriage just yet.

You need to take a good, long hard look at yourself. It seems like you've learnt nothing from your affairs if you are still playing these games. Are you really proud of the person you are. What a shame.

You can't undo it, but you can not rub their noses in it. I say again, you really don't seem to care about the women.

And talking about innocent parties, I feel sorry for your fiancé that whilst you should be thinking about your solemn vows to him, you're actually thinking about the frisson of these two sexual partners.