Weddings and old affairs - would this be messed up?

[nwpaperpusher80]

I know this is a sensitive topic and i’m expecting to be flamed for this but would really like some opinions.

My boyfriend has recently proposed and it’s early days but we’ve started talking about and planning the wedding. Last night we were talking about who we’d invite and he said he’d like to ask a few of his closest colleagues and asked if i’d do the same. I said yes as there are 4 or 5 that i consider friends and would like to come but now I don’t know if this would be messed up as two of them are guys that i’ve slept with and basically been the ow to.

They are both married but about two years ago there was a year where I was involved on and off with both of them. I’m not proud of myself for that time, it was a difficult year for me in other ways although I can’t really excuse my behaviour, we were all just very selfish. They know each other and work together too but did not and still don’t know about my involvement with the other. Apart from being with both of them I was otherwise single.

I came to my senses and put an end to it with both of them and somehow managed to extradite myself from the situation without either of their partners or anyone else finding out. We all still work together and now have healthy working relationships, we don’t work as closely as we used to and everything is above board, there is no flirting or secrecy or anything.

My DF doesn’t know my history with these guys, they happened before I met him and I haven’t thought about and wouldn’t ever cheat on him. I don’t want to tell him because i’m not proud of this time in my life and don’t want him to know I was the OW and also I have never told anyone, only me and these two guys know and although I don’t think my DF would do anything I don’t want more people finding out.

I don’t think anything would happen at the wedding, i’m not worried about anyone saying anything I just don't know if it is unfair on my DF and these guys wives to have them come to my wedding given my previous relationships with them? Can we all carry on the being normal or is putting all our OHs in one place pushing it too far?

My priority is my DF, we’ve all moved on i just don’t want to do one more shitty thing by bringing him into it and putting him in a situation where there is history that he doesn’t know about it and would be upset if he did.

I know simplest thing would be to just not invite them but they are probably my two closest colleagues and would look strange if I didn't. Sorry this is so long

Ok if that's what you think but I know what my intentions are.

Obviously it was stupid of me to get myself in the situation in the first place but do you think I've managed to keep it all quiet for two years by purposely creating drama?

Then why consider it now ? It makes no sense whatsoever.

Just no!! I have a friend who was shagging around with the girlfriend of another friend. That couple are now engaged and had the cheek to invite the OM to their wedding. I think it's disgusting.

Have some self respect.

Why on earth would you even consider inviting these men and their unsuspecting wives to your wedding? Won't you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable when making your vows that you helped two people in the congregation break theirs? What about if the wives come up to congratulate you and tell you how lovely you look? How would you be able to look them in the eye? You say you made a mistake with these men. Then learn from it, move on and stop looking for further drama.

Actions have concequences, one of the lesser concequences of your choice to sleep with married colleagues is that it limits your options in regard to your other colleagues now. personally, I think the best option is not to invite any colleague. This does mean you don't get to have the ones you didn't sleep with there, but this is a cost of your decision to sleep with not one, but two colleagues. (Do they even know about each other?!?)

I think you also might be kidding yourself that the others don't know. People generally do. If your DP doesn't know and it could cause upset if he found out, then you shouldn't be putting your DP and any of your colleagues in the same room with alcohol, someone might say something.

You might want this to go away so you still get to do whatever you want, but you can't, all you can do is be honest with your DP, and if not do that, then keep him away from any colleagues, not just the ones you've slept with.

(You also might want to think about looking for a new job if you really don't want your DH2B to find out)

I'm not judging you. I don't think you should invite them though. When in doubt, keep life simple. It will just be easier not to.

On telling your partner -- it's tricky. I don't think we need to tell our partners everything, especially things that were just aberrations and don't really reflect who we usually are.

But if you think it's possible it might come out some day, somehow, then I think you should probably tell him now. But, you have to be prepared for him to react very very badly, it sounds like.

Yes, this would be messed up.

And, I'm not usually one to judge other women's romantic mistakes (btdt half the time) but...you were involved with both of them? At the same time? And barely two years ago? It's pretty grim, imo.

Why on earth you'd want these people - and their wives! - at your wedding is beyond me.

I misread that: I thought he wanted to invite them. Well, if only you know them, then why on earth would you choose to invite them to your wedding along with their wives when you can quite easily ensure that they aren't there?

It's incomprehensible to me- why would you risk it all coming out or put yourself through the worry? Even worse, why would you want to encounter their unwitting wives and kiss their cheeks and make small talk, knowing you were shagging their husbands not very long ago?

I don't get why you would even consider the idea. I think it's horrible.

Wow there is some serious judging on this thread:

You've been the ow twice? Best you let your df know who he is getting involved with .

That's just really mean and unnecessary in my opinion.

OP whether or not you decide to tell your fiancé, don't invite these men to your wedding. And also don't invite them and ask them to decline - that will look weird to them but would also require you discussing your shared past with them which is probably best avoided.

Wow there is some serious judging on this thread:

You've been the ow twice? Best you let your df know who he is getting involved with

That's just really mean and unnecessary in my opinion.

OP whether or not you decide to tell your fiancé, don't invite these men to your wedding. And also don't invite them and ask them to decline - that will look weird to them but would also require you discussing your shared past with them which is probably best avoided.

The fact that you have to ask means this is not in your distant and forgotten past. You might insist that you are over them and your relationship is now strictly colleagues but why are you still thinking about this?

Of course don't invite them. Or pretend to invite them then force them to refuse.

I know what you mean -- different phases of life etc.

Don't tell your fiancee about it at all. Become much more distant from those colleagues.

You've nothing to be ashamed of. It's ok to have had a wild youth! God that's nothing compared to some. If anyone ever finds out just laugh it off as hm yes I was pretty spicy in my 20s etc!!!

This only works if you really distance yourself from those work blokes though. Emotionally.

The thing that stands out for me here is that you state your DF has made his feelings on cheaters clear yet you are willing to deceive him & not tell him about your past? What sort of marriage do you think that's going to be OP? You are deceiving him & if, sorry, when he finds out do you honestly think you are the kind if wife he'll want to remain with?

Face up to your past & the shitty things you have done, twice , tell him & let him decide if you really are the person he wishes to spend the rest of his life with...

No I don't think so Bolshier. Me and my DH now hate cheating of course and have 100% monogamous marriage. But in my 20s I had a fling with someone who was in a relationship with someone he soon after married. I regret it a bit but I don't blame myself. Obviously he was a tosser and his wife is unlucky (don't know him any more). BUT -- being a cheater when you are single is not the same as being a cheater if you are the one in a relationship. Yeah the OP was a bit wild and cassanovaish, but did no wrong.

I don't think you want these scoundrels at your wedding though! Not the right theme at all.

Sorry but It's not for us to say what OP's DF would be happy about-she should tell him, it's only fair he has the details of the morals of the woman he's going to marry.

I'm also thinking AF has it on the money & you love the drama-why the fuck else would you invite them? (Please also try to keep in mind that if DF does ever find out about either/both then the fact you invited them to your wedding will seem like a slap in the face) Am wondering how fucking stupid an individual would have to be not to realise this...?

I find it really hard to believe that nobody in your workplace knows. You'd be surprised how switched on people can be, however discreet you think you've been.

This reminds me of various workplace affairs I've witnessed (sadly) word gets around.

I don't think you should invite them out of respect for their wives.

Definitely don't invite them, and to avoid suspicion, don't invite any of your work colleagues.

You really don't want the possibility of a drama spoiling your day!

Take a Leaf out of Tess of the D'erbeville's book and don't for goodness sake tell your bloke. What's the point of possibly distressing him. Everyone on the planet has done something they are ashamed of. However, it easy to get out of inviting anyone to your wedding on monetary grounds. Everyone understands. What about keeping it to just to family and very intimate friends and therefore keep the cost down. No one else really cares much anyway.

God, I agree with AF, you are being a total drama lama just posting this "dilemma". I would recommend you ask yourself why exactly you are making such a big deal out of this.

Just don't invite them. It won't "look strange" - people won't give you or your guest list that much head space, you are really not that interesting.

I just can't get passed you thinking you can smile, greet, kiss the wife of someone you shagged behind her back. What with her being married to him.

I'm afraid I agree with those saying "drama". These men and their wives really should not be part of your planning in any way of your future marriage.

I can't comprehend why you would do this to their wives or your boyfriend.

Don't invite them. Don't tell your DF. Just forget it all.

Your morals don't bother me, you didn't cheat on your partner which is presumably the behaviour your DF is repelled by.

I did plenty stuff my DP doesn't know about, so what. He knows me now.

BTW - the only way it would 'look strange' to colleagues if you are still very close to those men, in which case, if people are already suspicious about you being too close in the past or now, it might just confirm it to them. If you have done the sensible thing of distancing yourself emotionally from them, just being polite colleague but not friends with these men, then it wouldn't surprise people that you didn't invite them.

And even then, it might only look strange if you insist on inviting people you aren't close to at work but then not the people you clearly are close to.

The solution to all this is not invite anyone to your wedding you aren't close to, and you really shouldn't be close to married men you've had an affair with in the past when you are now in a relationship with someone yourself, you shouldn't be close to them, it shouldn't surprise anyone that you don't invite these men because it shouldn't be that you are their friends.

If you are still having a relationship with them, albeit not a sexual one, then that's a bigger problem than your guest list.

Don't invite any colleagues, and the best thing you could do for your marriage, is to look for a new job and cut all contact with these people. In a new job, try not to look for drama.