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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Best Friend or New Man? Massively complicated situation!

150 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 01/06/2014 14:54

I am in a bit of a pickle... a while ago I had a "whoops I slept with one of my best friends" thread on here and since then we have slept together a couple more times and it is apparent that we do like each other, which is great. But its complicated. Very complicated as one of our mutual friends is in love with him and he has messed her about a bit over the years in as much as he would sleep with her when he's drunk but not want anything other than to be her friend when sober. They have never kissed in public and never officially been an item. Even though he has told her several times that he doesn't want a relationship with her, they are still good friends and she is clinging on to the hope that one day they will be together.

Anyway, last weekend I flirtatiously asked said male friend if I could stay at his house after a night out we were both going on but he said he needed some alone time as he had just got back from holiday. I took this to mean that he wasn't really that interested in me and it was just sex. So... I ended up meeting a guy while out! We have been on one date, he is not my usual type but seems like a nice bloke. He lives quite far away so for me that's good as he seems rather keen even though we have only met each other twice he texts me every day and is very keen to meet up again. He is also loaded haha :) I don't think we have much in common though. He drives a sports car and I am a massive hippy...

But then it becomes apparent that my friend of 15 years has always wondered what might have happened between us if we had got together and he does have a bit of a thing for me. And I do him. We get on really well, talk for hours and hours, have lots in common plus the sex is fantastic! I feel really comfortable with him and it feels good to be with him.

But I also feel that if we became an item it would break our mutual friends heart and possibly drive a wedge between other people in our friend group...

Its a bit of a mess to say the least! Wwyd?

OP posts:

flippinada · 04/06/2014 16:46

Good for you OP.

Maybe save this thread and read back through again at a later date - because the picture you've painted of this man is unflattering, to put it very politely.

Essentially he's been conducting mind games with you and your friend and playing you off against one another.

Not only that but you mentioned later on your previous relationship was abusive. So he's taken advantage of that too. A real friend would be offering support and care, not using it as an opportunity to get into your pants.

Oh, and he only sleeps with your friend while she's drunk and mocks her behind her back.

Sounds like a real prince, doesn't he?
You're well shot.

Original poster

MoonshineWashingLine · 04/06/2014 20:54

I don't know what to say to him! Everything I type sounds ridiculous...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/06/2014 21:03

You haven't done it yet ? FGS OP, stop pissing around.

Squeegle · 04/06/2014 21:05

What do you need to say anyway? Can't you just let it lie?

unrealhousewife · 04/06/2014 21:08

Do you want us to formulate some words for you? You know we want to...

Original poster

MoonshineWashingLine · 04/06/2014 21:11

I've been busy! Only just sat down...

I suppose I don't really have to say anything... I could just not text him.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/06/2014 21:11

Attention seeking nonsense

Grow up

Original poster

MoonshineWashingLine · 04/06/2014 21:11

I'm open to suggestions! Haha :)

OP posts:

Original poster

MoonshineWashingLine · 04/06/2014 21:13

Alright keep your hair on...

OP posts:

Doinmummy · 04/06/2014 21:37

It sounds like you are enjoying the angst of it all.

It's quite straight forward - don't contact him again

unrealhousewife · 04/06/2014 21:37

It's what you have to tell yourself that's important. What is good for you - for your child, for your future?

Original poster

MoonshineWashingLine · 04/06/2014 21:41

I was thinking that. I guess what's left unsaid sometimes speaks loudest of all.

OP posts:

TalisaMaegyr · 04/06/2014 21:41

So what are you going to do then?

AnyFucker · 04/06/2014 21:44

Keep stringing this thread out for as long as possible ?

Bindibach · 04/06/2014 21:47

Ha ha...:)

unrealhousewife · 04/06/2014 21:47

No I don't think you should say nothing. A clear text saying you're having a break from relationships for a few months will help, tell him it's nothing to do with him personally (which it isn't). Or you'll be sitting wondering what he's thinking etc etc and he will just call you or bump into you and you'll have to deal with it then.

Original poster

MoonshineWashingLine · 04/06/2014 22:14

Look AF, if you don't think my problem is worthy of your invaluable attention then kindly refrain from saying hurtful things, or better still don't say anything at all. I have 15 years of friendship at stake, amongst other things, and I don't want to mess things up even more than I already have.

Thanks unreal, I see what you mean. I think I'm going to sleep on it for now though. Shattered.

OP posts:

holdyourown · 04/06/2014 22:40

sorry OP but I think you really need to give some thought to what friendship actually is/means

unrealhousewife · 04/06/2014 23:00

You don't have 15 years of friendship at stake at all.

Bindibach · 04/06/2014 23:00

All you do is next time he texts you, you keep it friendly.
If he asks you over (this is not a date) then you say that your not interested in a relationship at the moment.
If you are out on a monthly night out then just don't stay at his house, just don't. This avoids you losing your knickers.

Just get on with your life until such time as you need to talk to him.

LittlePeaPod · 05/06/2014 00:07

Moon You can safely accept that your 15 years of friendship ended the first time you slept with him. Once you cross that line there is no going back. You are now one of his conquest and not his buddy! He will always see you and talk about you as a conquest and not a friend (like he does your mutual female friend).

You are making excuses. Your friendship is over. You can still talk to him but it will never ever be like it was.

PlantsAndFlowers · 05/06/2014 00:36

What Bindibach says. Keep it friendly. DONT STAY AT HIS HOUSE!

If he were wanting a relationship with you he could have started one by now (I remember your other thread) so by extricating yourself you retain your dignity (ignore the conquest comments, some people are just weird and old fashioned). Act like you're not fussed and STICK TO IT!

LittlePeaPod · 05/06/2014 00:51

Ok and what's weird and old fashioned about the fact he does treat her as one of his conquests. He treats her and her friend that way.

PlantsAndFlowers · 05/06/2014 01:01

They've had casual sex a couple of times. He's not fussed about a relationship. He'd probably have sex with the OP again, but probably not of that meant a 'proper' relationship.

There's nothing all that negative about this - whereas 'conquest' implies he's crowing about this or boasting or something, and we simply don't know that.

If you are conquered you have lost, and the OP hasn't really lost, she's just had sex with someone she has decided not to continue having sex with. She enjoyed it at the time and it's no big deal.

Calling her a conquest seems to be trying to make her feel bad for no good reason - and that's why I say you're weird.

LittlePeaPod · 05/06/2014 01:22

Actually Moon admits she has had fantasies about a relationship with him. She was going to meet him to discuss were this was going. moon thought of this situation as more than just casual sex. The original post and subsequent posts say it all really.

Taking his historic actions with other female friend into account we can safely assume he views Moon in exactly the same way. If he didn't she would not be his secret fuck buddy now would she? Again we can safely assume since he has no interest in a relationship with her, he will likely talk about her in the same way he does other female friend.

Moon dreamed of a relationship (the one and all that) and male friend saw her as nothing more than a fuck (conquest). This clearly has been a big deal to Moon otherwise she wouldn't have set this thread up and found it so difficult to tell him its done and dusted.

No one is trying to make her feel bad but Moon has needed a reality check throughout this thread. She had totally deluded herself about the reality of this situation...

You didn't answer my question. What is weird and old fashioned what I wrote?

Moon sorry for talking about you in the third person.

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