Best Friend or New Man? Massively complicated situation!

[MoonshineWashingLine]

I am in a bit of a pickle... a while ago I had a "whoops I slept with one of my best friends" thread on here and since then we have slept together a couple more times and it is apparent that we do like each other, which is great. But its complicated. Very complicated as one of our mutual friends is in love with him and he has messed her about a bit over the years in as much as he would sleep with her when he's drunk but not want anything other than to be her friend when sober. They have never kissed in public and never officially been an item. Even though he has told her several times that he doesn't want a relationship with her, they are still good friends and she is clinging on to the hope that one day they will be together.

Anyway, last weekend I flirtatiously asked said male friend if I could stay at his house after a night out we were both going on but he said he needed some alone time as he had just got back from holiday. I took this to mean that he wasn't really that interested in me and it was just sex. So... I ended up meeting a guy while out! We have been on one date, he is not my usual type but seems like a nice bloke. He lives quite far away so for me that's good as he seems rather keen even though we have only met each other twice he texts me every day and is very keen to meet up again. He is also loaded haha :) I don't think we have much in common though. He drives a sports car and I am a massive hippy...

But then it becomes apparent that my friend of 15 years has always wondered what might have happened between us if we had got together and he does have a bit of a thing for me. And I do him. We get on really well, talk for hours and hours, have lots in common plus the sex is fantastic! I feel really comfortable with him and it feels good to be with him.

But I also feel that if we became an item it would break our mutual friends heart and possibly drive a wedge between other people in our friend group...

Its a bit of a mess to say the least! Wwyd?

I think you need to be quite clear with man-friend and tell him that you expect from him a proper relationship without any nonsense. If he isn't prepared to give you that then just fuck him off and see what is going on with the other guy.

Wow. You make a lot of excuses for this male 'friend'. He sees you as being no different from your other friend and you're only fooling yourself if you think he does.

He's no friend of yours. He's a FWB at best and he just sees you as an easy lay. He probably tells his friends that you throw yourself at him too.

Give the new guy a chance and cut contact with your FWB. The FWB will happily sabotage any potential relationship of yours to keep you on call.

You and your man friend were "texting". If you were really important to him he would have picked up the phone. Texting doesn't mean anything. Picking up the phone and actually having the balls to talk in real life is much more difficult. If he was interested in you he would have been at your door long before now taking you out on proper dates and romancing you in the old fashioned way. Men who are serious tend to do that. Anything else is just speculation on your part. You are selling yourself very short here. Where is your self respect.

I think you should try a grown up relationship rather than just sex.

Neither of the 2 options you have a the moment seem even remotely good.

I see what you're all saying but its not him who says our mutual friend throws herself at him, we've all seen it. She properly goes for it. And not just with him either, it just happens to be him she is in love with. She is desperate to have him and seems to not be willing to take no for an answer.

I am very wary of getting involved with him, but its just that there's a part of me that has also wondered what it would be like to be with him. But I am also not getting tok emotionally involved with the idea as part of me can't be arsed with the stress and the hassle.

Our female friend is sadly not a strong person and she has let him have his cake and eat it because she is besotted... whereas I only have to get the faintest whiff that he's not interested and I'm off with someone else

No, you are still letting him dick you around.

From everything you say, there is more than a whiff that he is not interested in a relationship but is very much enjoying the FWB. In fact its a big old stink.

If he really was into you he wouldn't just be sleeping with you (when you are both drunk, like the other girl), he would have taken you out, you wouldn't be a secret FWB, he would be calling you and all that staff. He certainly wouldn't have blown you out cold when you asked to stay at his house. I cringed when I read that.

Maybe he had arranged to meet other girl or someone outside of you two.

Op this guy just isn't that into you and you are setting yourself up. You admit that you have fantasies about how it could be. I can assure you he won't be thinking the same thing.

Your lack of insight into the whole situation is amazing.

Everything you've called your female friend for... the same can be said of you.

This guy has two women dropping their knickers for him whenever he feels like it.

He hasn't given off a faint whiff of "he's just not that in to you", he's given off a big fucking cloud of it.

The only winner here is him.

Agree with other posters. For all your feisty chat, you're in exactly the same position as your friend - although I don't think you should be calling yourself that as you're very dismissive and unkind towards her.

No doubt he'll be telling the next one (because there will be one) the same about you.

Something isn't adding up, OP. Your female friend would not be able to be 'in love' with him and tolerate your involvement. Your relationship with her wouldn't work.

I agree with AF, this man is a player, he's playing you and has always played your friend - and that isn't nice. For a man who's 'always wondered', he hasn't got very far in his musings, has he? So he's not in thrall to you anymore than he is your friend.

Also, the way you talk about your friend... I wouldn't want a friend that talked about me like that. If she's as good a friend as you say she is, how come your conscience let you end up in bed with player-man anyway? I sense a tiny bit of competitiveness there and that has only come from what you've posted.

Be clear about what it is you're doing and what it is you want because it seems quite 'mindless' to me and people could get hurt from this.

She's in love with him. He doesn't love her, but fucks her anyway because she throws herself at him. What a lovely guy.

Agree with everyone else, man friend is just messing about (generous interpretation ). But come on, let's be honest, you love the drama too, don't you?

I feel sorry for your 'friend'. She loves him or thinks she does, poor cow, that's not a crime. He has led her on, and you laugh at her for it and sleep with him behind her back, then enjoy the drama of 'confessing' to her after a long text conversation with him, and the guilt is just killing you.....

Grow up.

I’m in a similar situation to your mutual friend and reading your OP actually wondered if I am her (though the chances are slim).

I doubt you’re being told the full story from your best friend: you say he and MF are not a couple in public, so why are you certain he’s telling you everything (would he really be that open)? I’m sure my FWB, if he says anything at all about us, makes out that I do all the running, he can’t throw me off, and sometimes has to give in to get some peace, whereas most of the time it is he who initiates anything physical and is certainly not an unwilling participant.

There's also a lot more between us than just sex. To mutual friends we are just good friends, but if I were to tell you the situation you'd call it a relationship in all but name. I've told one very close friend who also knows my FWB and she was gobsmacked, partly by the situation and partly by how well we've hidden it.

It would be interesting to know what he says to MF about you. The story I get is that she’s after him but he’s not interested for various reasons and that nothing’s happened / is going to happen between them. Which has similarities to what you are being told about MF (other than the admission that they have slept together).

I’m not going to tell you what to do but I hope I’ve given you food for thought.

(That was a NC in case you are the person I know!)

He openly admits that he is rubbish with women and that he doesn't really know what he wants.

This ^ is true. You won't change that by just wanting it.

So if it did become obvious that he was just in it for the sex then I would just tell him to do one He already has made it obvious, and yet you havent told him to do one have you?

Look, I know you want to think that you are special to him, but I dont think you are. Sorry, but I think he views you in the same way he views your other "desperate" friend. If he wanted to be with you then he would be, he isnt ergo he doesnt want to be. What he does want is what he has, at least 2 women (and probably more) that he can sleep with when the mood takes him and not give anything back in terms of a relationship. I wouldnt be at all surprised if he turned up one day with a woman none of you have ever met before and announcing his engagement, seen it happen more than once and have seen the heartbreak it caused to the women who thought it was just a matter of time before she was the one with the ring.

Add up the fact that he is clearly a player, you have a friend who would be devastated and you (by your own admission) dont make great choices, I would steer well clear.

Give the other guy a chance, or stop using him to try and make your FWB jealous, thats not on. The poor guy obviously really likes you and you are using him.

Ah yes. People who "openly admit" things are generally just letting themselves off the hook ime. It's the classic "if I tell you I'm going to treat you badly, then it's your choice, not my fault".

That's ok then that he "openly admits" he is crap

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

I wouldnt be at all surprised if he turned up one day with a woman none of you have ever met before and announcing his engagement, seen it happen more than once and have seen the heartbreak it caused to the women who thought it was just a matter of time before she was the one with the ring.

This is so true

Your 'friend' sounds awful. You sound very young. If you want a solid relationship, you need to know where you're going and be with someone capable of maturity and wisdom. This 'friend' has, on multiple occasions, had some pleasure that he knows will end up causing your mutual friend a lot of heartbreak. He's told her he doesn't want a relationship but said exactly the opposite by using her for casual sex, knowing that she loves him. What a heel. If you think it's ok or understandable for a man to give in when he gets an 'irresistible offer', then perhaps you wouldn't appreciate a decent man if you did meet him. I'd be surprised if your 'friend' turned out to be capable of long-term fidelity. The other, new man? I'd let him go for now and focus on growing up a bit.

You are throwing yourself at him though, just like your friend. Why do you not see that there is no difference between the two of you. You are letting him have sex with you and trying to start a relationship from that but he is not. If he was, he would.

Moonshine, you are no going off with someone else, you are letting someone else have you. Man B is an equally half hearted relationship, there is no closeness or commitment and you think that's a good alternative. It's not.

The FWB thing is great for men but women tend to get messed around and hurt.

OP are you a 16 yo girl by any chance?

Your original post on this made somewhat of a mountain out of a molehill. 'oh i slept with... does he? Do i? should we? etc'

No we add another layer of 'complexity' to this situation. Friend/new man/hippy/rejection/what if....blah blah blah'

Sorry but it all reeks of drama creation out of a fairly dull situation, your mate shagged around, never hid this you have a new bloke yr not that keen on, ho hum.

I think there's been some misunderstanding, every one of our friends knows about what has happened between mutual friend and man friend. Its just that he won't do anything with her in public. I don't know exactly how long its been since they did anything but I think it's been a while now.

Also when stuff first happened between us I was the one to say 'lets not mention this to anyone'. And on nearly every occasion it has been him that has initiated intimacy, not me. I have seet him a couple of flirty texts, how is that throwing myself at him?!

I haven't been actively seeking a relationship with him, I have just been a bit flirty. In one of his texts he said 'we are obviously attracted to each other but whether or not that's a good idea is another thing' which I completely agree with. We have agreed to have a sober chat about it so that we don't let lust get the better of us. If anything we are both as bad as each other. ..

You're not much of a friend, OP and yes, of course he'll initiate intimacy with you because you will go along with it. He's playing you and playing her and who knows who else. If you're happy with that then crack on but have the decency to be honest with your friend, if you're able.