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Original poster

Best Friend or New Man? Massively complicated situation!

150 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 01/06/2014 14:54

I am in a bit of a pickle... a while ago I had a "whoops I slept with one of my best friends" thread on here and since then we have slept together a couple more times and it is apparent that we do like each other, which is great. But its complicated. Very complicated as one of our mutual friends is in love with him and he has messed her about a bit over the years in as much as he would sleep with her when he's drunk but not want anything other than to be her friend when sober. They have never kissed in public and never officially been an item. Even though he has told her several times that he doesn't want a relationship with her, they are still good friends and she is clinging on to the hope that one day they will be together.

Anyway, last weekend I flirtatiously asked said male friend if I could stay at his house after a night out we were both going on but he said he needed some alone time as he had just got back from holiday. I took this to mean that he wasn't really that interested in me and it was just sex. So... I ended up meeting a guy while out! We have been on one date, he is not my usual type but seems like a nice bloke. He lives quite far away so for me that's good as he seems rather keen even though we have only met each other twice Confused he texts me every day and is very keen to meet up again. He is also loaded haha :) I don't think we have much in common though. He drives a sports car and I am a massive hippy...

But then it becomes apparent that my friend of 15 years has always wondered what might have happened between us if we had got together and he does have a bit of a thing for me. And I do him. We get on really well, talk for hours and hours, have lots in common plus the sex is fantastic! I feel really comfortable with him and it feels good to be with him.

But I also feel that if we became an item it would break our mutual friends heart and possibly drive a wedge between other people in our friend group...

Its a bit of a mess to say the least! Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 03/06/2014 07:58

Eeew no way to the above post! Shudder...

And again, joking about the money! I have always ended up supporting previous partners financially and its not about how much money the new man has, its that he can stand on his own two feet and look after himself.

I have been thinking about what I dislike about man friend and there is a few things that bother me about him aside from all this mess. I am leaning towards telling him to do one to be honest.

And for those wondering, I am rapidly approaching 30 and should know better... but I get these ideas of 'the one' or whatever in my head and sometimes its hard to see past it.

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 03/06/2014 08:12

I understand OP. You actually sound a lot like me and your friendship group a lot like mine. All bohemian and hedonistic with poor sexual boundaries. Which is great until it isn't and someone gets hurt.

I also would be very wary of best friend. He sounds great for fwb but not a great bet for a relationship. Could you trust him do you think? A sober chat might be a good idea but just remember not to take what he says as gospel, he probably likes being able to fuck you and mutual friend when the mood takes him and won't be in a hurry to burn any bridges, so there may well be a lot of pretty words bandied around without much action to back them up.

LittlePeaPod · 03/06/2014 08:17

Moon I am sure we have all had fantasies about "the one". But sometimes the fantasy can result in us projecting our vision on someone that's just not right. This man fiends sounds like that in your case.

Just be careful your fantasy doesn't end up causing you a lad of pain late. You have already mentioned want commitment from this man friend. I am sure most of the ladies on here will agree you won't get that from him. His quite happy with his life as it is. His already told you this by admitting his no good with women.

Out of interest, has your man friend ever had a long term relationship?

LittlePeaPod · 03/06/2014 08:18

Excuse typos.. Baby in one had and trying to type in the other and auto spell correct doesn't help!

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 03/06/2014 08:29

He has in the past yeah. He has been single for 4 years though now. Prev to that he was in a relationship all the time, as was I until recently. Now we are both single and this happens... I don't think he knows what he wants and that's the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 03/06/2014 08:31

Jacey - I'm glad its not just me and my friends who seem to be like this!

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 03/06/2014 08:38

I don't think he knows what he wants and that's the problem.

That's not the problem Moon. That's the reason you should be running for the hills. If he doesn't know what he wants then you know he really doesn't want you. I can accept he probably always wondered what it would be like to sleep with you but I doubt he ever wondered what it would be like to be in a committed relationship with you. If he really liked you in that way, you wouldn't have set this thread up and you would be openly dating him regardless of his previous sexual conquests.

When are you due to speak? Prepare yourself for every excuse under the book as to why a relationship probably isn't the right thing to do right now.

Can I just add that as a woman what you are doing and saying about your female friend is really out of order. She hasn't done anything wrong to you. It's wrong Moon

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 03/06/2014 08:57

I know she hasn't done anything wrong, I didn't mean to sound like I was bad mouthing her, its just the way she is. She is such a lovely girl who wears her heart on her sleeve but when she is drunk she turns in to this sex crazed maniac. She has tried it on with just about every one of our male and female friends, and trust me, its a very odd thing to witness your friend feeling up your partner cos she's hammered... its not just me that's happened to either!

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 03/06/2014 09:05

Then you address those concerns about her behaviour directly with her. You don't follow her lead and start sleeping with the guy she has been sleeping with for so long. Under these circumstances your behaviour is no better than the behaviour you paint of her. And yes, you have said some unpleasant things about her on this thread.

But, back to man friend. He really will do to you what his done / doing to her. So when are you due to talk to him?

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 03/06/2014 09:22

We haven't set a date yet...

No I know I'm no better, behaviour wise... :/

OP posts:
pictish · 03/06/2014 09:28

Well...I certainly wouldn't hang around for a man to decide whether he wants me or not. That's all I can say.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/06/2014 09:34

The man friend = no good.

The new fella = maybe.

There!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/06/2014 09:34

Man friend does know what he wants, he wants a relationship with you entirely on his own terms. Do you want that? (I suggest no)

BelleateSebastian · 03/06/2014 09:48

You seem hell bent on discrediting your friend in ever such a nice way. I think you should make a go of it with Man friend, you sound well suited.

pictish · 03/06/2014 10:00

As for her throwing herself at him...well you don't know what sort of things he says to her when they are alone, to keep her interest keen. She may not be acting out of sheer deluded hope you know. For her to have kept at him for so long suggests not her blindness, but his manipulation.

Maybe he tells her "there's obviously an attraction between us...but" as well? Maybe he keeps her dangling like you?
Hardly a stretch of the imagination that, is it?

I once had a male pal that had women on the go in this fashion. He went round for sex and comfort when he felt like it, and made himself unavailable when he didn't.
One of them was in love with him. He knew it, but I don't think he ever saw it as anything other than a tool to keep her door and legs open for him.

pictish · 03/06/2014 10:03

Meant to add - he's no longer my friend. He was very convincing, but he turned out to be a waste of time. I had no romantic interest in him (I am happily married) but thought of him as a friend.
He was no better a friend to me, than he was a romantic prospect to his hangers on.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 03/06/2014 10:18

Well this man friend has actually been a really good friend to me over the years, been there for me when I needed him and vice versa. Its odd developing romantic feelings for someone you've known and been close to for 15 years! If he hadn't treated our female friend so badly I would have no issues getting with him but unfortunately he's been a nob with her for a few years...

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 03/06/2014 10:23

moon you are the same as your female friend in every way when it comes to this man friend. From what I have read everything you say about female friend is true of you.

differentnameforthis · 03/06/2014 10:23

The other side of the story re: our mutual friend is that she throws herself at him when she is drunk. She literally climbed in to bed with him while he was asleep once! So I can sort of understand why he has caved in a few times

He hasn't 'caved' at all. He is using her. She is only good enough to sleep with when he is drunk, or when she is.

She only 'throws' herself at him because she thinks he likes her.

He is also using you.

LittlePeaPod · 03/06/2014 10:23

His using both if you

pictish · 03/06/2014 10:26

I think you're going to carry on seeing your own vision here OP.
You have an ideal of him in your mind as a boyfriend, versus the reality of how he actually treats someone who cares for him.
Good luck with it.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/06/2014 10:28

I remember your first thread where he was quite cool about seeing you again, and in fact, when to the pub and couldn't be arsed.

Then he came back on holiday, and again, couldn't be arsed.

I wonder why you think he's so into you, when his actions suggest he can't be arsed.

LittlePeaPod · 03/06/2014 10:30

There's been another thread on this? Mmmm

Lweji · 03/06/2014 10:31

Forget your mutual friend.

There doesn't seem to be a proper relationship between you too, regardless.
You are both hmming about it and he told you he's not sure. You've been friends for a long time, so both should know as you know each other well.

I'd move on and cut all romantic possibilities with him.

differentnameforthis · 03/06/2014 10:53

Hmm, on further reading, you really want to be with this male friend, don't you? You sound a little bitter towards your friend that she is also getting a little piece of him, almost jealous. Making excuses for the way he uses her, putting it all on her.

The fact that as soon as you found someone else, your MF (male friend) started to 'wonder' what it would have been like to be with you, shouts that he needs you to be available to him any time he wants you (he said that to make you reassess your relationship with NM) & proves you DO take shit already.

The fact that you find NM (new man) texting you & wanting to meet up as Confused just shows that you have NO idea what a proper functional relationship should be like, BECAUSE of the shit you take from your friend.

As someone said, your friend is you, you are your friend. You are both an ego stoke for him, nothing more.

she has let him have his cake and eat it SO. DO. YOU.

whereas I only have to get the faintest whiff that he's not interested and I'm off with someone else Who you are ready to dump if your friend says jump....