Best Friend or New Man? Massively complicated situation!

[MoonshineWashingLine]

I am in a bit of a pickle... a while ago I had a "whoops I slept with one of my best friends" thread on here and since then we have slept together a couple more times and it is apparent that we do like each other, which is great. But its complicated. Very complicated as one of our mutual friends is in love with him and he has messed her about a bit over the years in as much as he would sleep with her when he's drunk but not want anything other than to be her friend when sober. They have never kissed in public and never officially been an item. Even though he has told her several times that he doesn't want a relationship with her, they are still good friends and she is clinging on to the hope that one day they will be together.

Anyway, last weekend I flirtatiously asked said male friend if I could stay at his house after a night out we were both going on but he said he needed some alone time as he had just got back from holiday. I took this to mean that he wasn't really that interested in me and it was just sex. So... I ended up meeting a guy while out! We have been on one date, he is not my usual type but seems like a nice bloke. He lives quite far away so for me that's good as he seems rather keen even though we have only met each other twice he texts me every day and is very keen to meet up again. He is also loaded haha :) I don't think we have much in common though. He drives a sports car and I am a massive hippy...

But then it becomes apparent that my friend of 15 years has always wondered what might have happened between us if we had got together and he does have a bit of a thing for me. And I do him. We get on really well, talk for hours and hours, have lots in common plus the sex is fantastic! I feel really comfortable with him and it feels good to be with him.

But I also feel that if we became an item it would break our mutual friends heart and possibly drive a wedge between other people in our friend group...

Its a bit of a mess to say the least! Wwyd?

"No I know I'm no better, behaviour wise... :/"

Oh, you are much, much worse ... don't see her on here, dishing you dirt ... and you keep doing it, even when you're supposedly now saying something nice about her!

"someone you've known and been close to for 15 years"

You are not yet 30, so your man friend is someone you have been "close" to since you were 14 years old? Or 13 years old?
Have either of you grown up at all since you were children? Did you even notice that he had turned into a knobhead?

OK moonshine, you are 30 and don't have children?

Now is the time to start thinking about relationships as potential lifelong partnerships. All you need to do is a little visualisation, how will you feel about him when... Fill in the gaps yourself.

One of them could be, ...your friend tells your teenage children how you got there, ...you are wondering why he is always back late from work, ...the money you share with man b is great but there's something fundamentally wrong and the dcs never see their grandparents.

You won't find the One if you have doubts and niggles. When he comes along you will know pretty much straight away. Your friends will be rooting for you both, your family will be cheering you on.

since you were 14 years old? Or 13 years old?

meant that to say

"since you were 14 years old? Or 15 years old?"

Your FWB man is NOT the one.

It is bollocks that he sleeps with you and the other woman because he doesn't know what he wants. He does that because he knows he can!

When you say you are off with someone else as soon as there is a "whiff of no interest" is that because you can't be on your own?

You need to think about whether feeling like this and having all this ridiculous angst is what you want with a relationship.

I do have a dd who is 2 but she obviously doesn't see either man. This has all happened over the course of about 3 or 4 months (I have one night out a month and usually stay at man friends house). So 3 nights out and 3 times stuff has happened between us...

The more I read the replies on this thread and the more i think about it, the more I think I need to stop sleeping with him. I have only been a single mum for 4 months, and already I have got myself in to this mess. My last relationship with dd's df was awful (he was very abusive - mn helped me with that too!) and I can do without any more drama and hassle.

You need someone structured and supportive for your daughter as much as anything else. Someone who will add a positive and calming balance to your life.

This is one of the reasons I had to have a break from MN. These threads always frustrate me.. I have never understood why women allow themselves to be treated this way. I once dumped someone I lived with andvhad been seeing for 2 years based in the fact he had one drunken kiss in a night club. If he could do that what else was he capable of?

When I was single I would have rather cut my own nose off than allow a man to use me as his very own personal drunken sperm disposal system!

Moon I don't get it? Why are you allowing him to treat you both ths way?

Sorry just read your update. You were in an abusive relationship and I can understand why you may want/need some positive attention. This isn't what you want Moon. You deserve better.

Well your last post makes everything before make absolute sense.

You were in an abusive relationship, that's why you are behaving in this way. I can't advise further but there will be many more on here that can.

Good luck.

Prepare yourself for him suddenly deciding what he wants as soon as you break it off. And then going cold again. Good luck!

Just because you saw him three times and you had sex three times doesn't mean he wants to be with you. It is what goes on outside the bedroom that is important. A man can shag you and not bother with any contact at all in between = just wants sex. If he calls you in between, doesn't expect sex every time you see each other or stays over and is kind and respectful = he likes you and wants a relationship.

Sorry but you need to develope your self respect here.

OP, when you say 'your partner' in this post, ...its a very odd thing to witness your friend feeling up your partner cos she's hammered... Are you actually inferring that he's your partner, because he's actually nothing of the sort, is he?

Doesn't know what he wants? I'd say he knows exactly what he wants.

The next line in the cliché is that he pushes away because his feelings are so strong they scare him. I'm not saying you are saying this but it's the next big lie women tell themselves when a man keeps them at arms length except when sex is on offer. .

No no, I meant my ex partner. And she has done the same to my best girl friends partner too. And all of us have been felt up by her at some point! Crazy lady...

Moon there you go again with disparaging remarks.. If you are uncomfortable with her behaviour tell her.

Maybe she needs some really Good friends to explain how her behaviour when she drinks too much makes her look.

.

Moonshine,you do know that abusive men have an inbuilt antenna for finding vulnerable women they can manipulate?

You are vulnerable. Give yourself a break from men while you recover from the last man who took advantage of you.

You sound like a lovely person, but so so easy going.

He has form for messing your mutual friend about. Nuff said.

I don't think he knows what he wants and that's the problem

He knows EXACTLY what he wants.
He is getting EXACTLY what he wants.

He wants no strings sex.
You & your friend are giving it to him.

It's not his problem, at all.

Your friend actually sounds like she may need a little help figuring out what a healthy relationship is. I know a child who was sexually abused who grew into an adult ready & willing to throw herself at anyone for some comfort, and acceptance. To the point that she started selling herself because she equated sex = love. Because that is what her abuser taught her.

I am not saying this is your friend, but your male friend is WAY out of order for not seeing how possibly damaged she is & completely backing off.

Throwing yourself at anyone, sexually, is never healthy, op. making a play on friend's partners, is a sign that she cannot respect boundaries. Again, another red flag where abuse in concerned.

If you & he were her true friends, instead of you badmouthing her & him fucking her while she is pissed (is consent an issue, if she is pissed) HELP her.

If neither of you can do that, BOTH of you need to walk away & tell someone who you think cares enough about her to help her. Because neither you or your friend do.

Thank you all for your advice on this. I am going to text him later and say let's just leave it, not bother with sober chat or anything. It can be said over text easily anyway.

Thanks again, sometimes I think I need mn to help me see sense!

Way to go and hi five!

Time to look after your precious self, you've put up with enough crap already why load more on the plate.

Yay!

Good plan, op. I am glad to see you valuing yourself more

You are doing the right thing. This whole situation would not have ended well for you. Good on you for having the courage to walk away from something you clearly wanted. Not easy but the right thing to do.