handfulofcottonbuds thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

My previous threads have reached their limits, the most recent one is whatnext074 is now cotton

I joined MN last October, I was desperate and worried for my sanity after my husband left me for OW. I have received the most incredible support from MN and truly believe I have been saved at least one night by those who stayed up with me messaging me.

I have gone through a whole range of feelings throughout this process and still am to a lesser extent but hopefully I am on the home straight now.

My Decree Nisi has been granted and I am in the process of agreeing a settlement.

I still get knocked but my MN friends and lurkers have given me so much strength - thank you xx

[handfulofcottonbuds]

paddlingduck - thank you. I can't bear to read my old threads, I might some day. It scares me to think how I was and how I nearly left everyone. I wish you strength too through this horrible process

nevergrowingup - yes, his DM is nasty, I always remember how he cried only once and said he didn't want to turn out like her - but he has a very strange relationship with her, they are very close. It was the only reason we ever argued.

springy - no, I haven't softened. I'm a little confused as my DSis has given me another option to think about and my DB wants me to see his IFA for a 2nd opinion. I'll talk it through with my solicitor tomorrow. I did tell him that I was seeing my solicitor and that he would get my proposal, he looked terrified and that's what started him crying again.

[AcrossthePond55]

"I did tell him that I was seeing my solicitor and that he would get my proposal, he looked terrified and that's what started him crying again."

Ha! I'll just bet it did!!

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

You are doing so well, I guess you can't help feel a twinge when he is so "upset" (you are a nicer person than him) He started you both on this path and is still the man who was not interested when you were devastated, so boohoo let him stew.

[captainmummy]

Cotton - just caught up (was away this weekend) and read the saga with my mouth open! Crying? Was this the same crying that he did over the phone that time - when you phoned back, couldn't get hold of him, in a panic; then found out he'd turned the phone off and fell asleep? Remember that?
He is a joke. Even if he has made a 'big mistake' - tough. His mistake was showing you who he really was. The tears and contrition are all a show. He is playing on your heartstrings, hoping you beleive his guff, believe he is skint, and you will be soft on him.

Hope he gets the sol letter soon!

[skyeskyeskye]

just marking spot and catching up with the last thread x

[handfulofcottonbuds]

I remember captain - it was horribly cruel. It appears he's still screwed up. My once loving, sensitive, caring, selfless husband is truly gone forever. I know that. I'll never get answers but I have no idea why someone would put up with him like that, the tears may be an act for me but the way he looks?

He still has the pain in his side when breathing, you remember the one where he said he might have cancer and I caused it?!

My God, he has been so cruel and I bit my tongue. I said a couple of things and he just couldn't bear it.

So, Monday and yesterday I felt very strange. Monday I was snappy and I'm never like that. Yesterday I was very emotional. I suppose it's to be expected after the weekend. It just all seems so pointless, so sad.

I have learnt that he has most probably done me a favour but it's all very strange.

Today I feel a bit better but it's still on my mind. I know it will pass. I'll never know what goes through his head anymore, I'll never know if he's happy as our lives won't cross but I can concentrate on my life and carry on getting better.

So pointless.

[Nevergrowingup]

Cotton, good to see you after the weekend. I bet you feel you were put through the wringer. I expect it will take you a few days to get your bearings again.

I didn't remember the comment about you causing his self-diagnosed cancer. What a shameful comment. So what caused him to be a dick?

All that nonsense of him reacting to your comments at the weekend is all part of his act, designed to tug at your heart strings. I'm glad that it doesn't hurt you quite so deeply now. Things will get better and all these steps will help you come out the other side without regrets.

[redundantandbitter]

You can't let him in your home again. It's taken days to recover and it's emotionally exhausting . Not to mention having to stand and watch him cry - shoe's on the other foot now. You should thing about setting the boundary outside your front door.

How's your DS?

[AcrossthePond55]

I agree with redundant. I think your home needs to be a place of peace for you. Allowing him into it disrupts that peace and creates more upsetting memories. You need to concentrate on exorcising the memory of him there.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

You're right, it doesn't hurt me so deeply now. I just feel that it was all a terrible waste. FWIW, I don't think he'll ever do something like this again, I was just the unlucky one.

The past few days, I've wanted him to know exactly how it's affected me and my DS over the past 9 months, especially in the early months. Now he'll never know, I realise that he cannot take the reality of hurt in any form. He said he knows but he hasn't actually heard it from me. I don't think he remembers how cruel he was for those couple of months before he left, or how scared he made me in my own home. I did say that I did the kindest thing by divorcing him under adultery rather than unreasonable behaviour. He just looked confused and said there was no unreasonable behaviour!

It doesn't matter now though does it?

R&B - it was my DS that I was snappy with and I felt bad. He stayed out of my way but I did have a chat with him later and apologised, he said he understood and it was okay.

[captainmummy]

Def try not to let him into your house any more. It has really unbalanced you emotionally. You cannot make him see what he's done to you - he will deny, misremember, justify - anything to make him out to be misunderstood and actually the 'good' guy in this. He'll then throw a few tears your way, grow a beard and you get thrown on the back foot again.

You are right tho - it doesn't matter now. You are not responsible for his happiness now. Only your own and your ds. (who I'm sure understands).

[gildedcage]

Just to say that your ex sounds depressed and has self medicated with an affair which is classic unfortunately. Please know that I'm not saying this to excuse any of his actions...far from it. I'm also not trying to suggest that he isn't manipulative. I haven't read your entire thread but everything I have seen screams of a mental health issue. It doesn't give any comfort in this appalling situation but it does perhaps explain some of his strange behaviour.

You're entirely correct in that he has done you a massive favour...as harsh as it sounds living with a person with these types of issues can break your spirit

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

Yeah I agree depression and/or some kind of substance issues (does he smoke pot? He sounds like a few guys I know who are habitual users - fully functioning but skanky looking with depressive issues)

Well once the financial issues are sorted he is no longer "your" problem and now you are slightly removed from the initial intense hurt I am sure you can see that it wasnt you it was him all along. Our first resposes is always what could I have done to keep him, what has she got that I havent and its generally just baggage that they are dealing with rather than anything to do with the relationship.

I agree the affair was probably a knee jerk reaction to escape the pain you had been though rather than man up and deal with it. Who knows if he would do it again, his pain seems to be more to do with his financial loss and self pity rather than any regret for the hurt he has caused - you are definately better off without a man like that however painful the process has been.

[AcrossthePond55]

Mental health issues? I don't know, sometimes people are just twats.

In my divorce I finally decided that 'why' really didn't matter. I knew that the breakdown of the marriage wasn't my fault and that it really didn't matter why he did the things he did. All that mattered was that I wasn't going to live that way. It was kind of 'freeing' in a way. I didn't feel the need to pick things apart and relive things. It was like I had set down a huge box of rocks that I'd been carrying and just kept walking on.

[gildedcage]

I agree across the pond...in that OP shouldn't spend any of her precious time picking things apart. Things are as they are and everything is nearly final. I am also not trying to excuse appalling behaviour and I'm sorry if I come across as if that is my intention, believe me I'm not.

I just felt like there were alot of questions about why the ex was behaving as he was. Obviously none of us know for sure but I just felt all his actions suggested depression which given the trauma both experienced this would fit. His actions, the crying, dishevelled appearance etc all seem to point to this.

I suppose I'm just putting it out there for the OP to do with as she feels with the very best of intentions. I wish you a very happy future OP.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

gildedcage - I agree with you. I thought that from the beginning as his violent and abusive behaviour had never been displayed in any form before.

He never talked about the babies, he couldn't deal with it. He collapsed one time in uncontrollable tears and said he would have been a good father. Then he told me a day later that I knew when I married him that he didn't want DCs, that hurt me terribly. He never went to the memorial garden. Then again, he never went to the hospice to see our niece.

He is also in a very high powered, pressured job and I'm not sure he has the belief that he can handle it.

I am surprised every time I see him as to how much he has deteriorated. He was often likened by people I knew as having film star looks - now he looks like a tramp.

9 months on, I would have expected him to have made progress. Nobody knew or will know him as I did. I can only imagine OW is either after his money or she believes she can 'save him' - like some kind of project.

He sat for a lot of the time chain smoking with his head in his hands. I honestly cannot believe how skinny he is. Why don't his parents do something?

He is not my problem, I'm not a pushover but I try and always have a kind heart.

bluesky - no never took drugs, was hard to even get him to take ibuprofen.

[gildedcage]

Handful all I can say is that I wish you all the best. I have a very depressed husband at the moment and I cry everyday (alot). As awful as it has been you will soon be on the other side of it.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

gilded - thank you for your words and I wish you strength

[springydaffs]

Well, I've suffered from a lot of depression but I didn't splatter it all over other people, wasn't desperately cruel, didn't drip and whine about in their houses, and generally didn't put other people through pure hell. A crucial element of any depression is taking responsibility for your illness and not pushing it off onto others.

he may be depressed - who cares knows? - but his behaviour is reprehensible and there is no excuse for what he has done, and continues to do. He is an adult and, should he finally face any potential inner pain, it is fairly easy to get it addressed if he chooses - I don't think he does choose, though. imo it is catastrophic to step in and rescue when life is finally presenting a golden opportunity to do it himself. I'm not suggesting you are going to rescue him but you have a tendency towards a soft heart and, coupled with the tremendous bond you once had, imo (and ime) you can't afford to soften. I don't think excusing him because of this or that is ultimately a help in your healing?

however, I am not at all sure I am convinced he is depressed. As Pond says, some people are just twats. He is displaying a fair approximation of a twat imo.

[Nevergrowingup]

Hi Cotton, just thinking about you and hoping that June is being kind to you. The weather and longer daylight helps a lot and I hope you are able to enjoy a little down time these days. x

[handfulofcottonbuds]

It was a year ago today that we went on our last holiday, the most lonely experience ever. My stbxh was cold, nasty and contacting OW all the time. He hardly spoke to me for the 2 weeks we were there. It would have been our wedding anniversary in 9 days time, it was this night that he told me he wanted a divorce.

So many emotions that I never knew existed, so much unbelievable physical and emotional pain, so much uncertainty.

So - move on a year......

I'm still trying to finalise the financial settlement, once that is done, my Decree Absolute will follow. I wanted it all done before our wedding anniversary but now it doesn't matter.

I feel nothing for him, no hatred, no love. In a very strange way, although I would have loved him forever, I actually think he's done me a favour. At the start of this, his DB said to me that he believed I would have the happy ending. I do believe this now.

My boss has been extremely unsupportive with everything and has gradually picked on me for everything and made my working life hell. So, I put in a formal complaint about her and things have improved. Would never have had the strength to do that before!

I also went through a rigorous recruitment process for a volunteer position that I start soon. This will hopefully help my future career goals.

I have been dating, had some 'questionable' dates but am currently dating the most gorgeous man that I have ever seen! He treats me like a lady and we laugh so much. Not sure where it will go but I now live in the moment rather than the past or always looking for something in the future. He is adorable fit as anything and 6 years younger

I am hoping that I have the confidence to book a holiday when this is all over, even if I have to go on my own. Just to cancel out the badness from my holiday last year.

I'm not sure how this will all end but I am happy, who would have thought??!

[itwillgetbettersoon]

That is a lovely update Handful. I've seen that you have offered good advice to others on here.

I'm trying online dating and like you try to live for now rather than the future or in the past.

How is your wonderful son doing?

Well done you have really moved on x

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Thank you x

My DS turned 21 last week and is currently on a holiday of a lifetime! When he gets back, he starts full time hours at work so he can help me out financially which will be useful.

I hope your online dating experience is going well, I feel like I could write a book!

[KissMyFatArse]

Onwards and upwards cotton! (Been lurking)

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Thank you kiss

I've just received a 'chasing letter' from my FWH's solicitor, the date on it meant that FW hoped I'd receive it on my DS's 21st birthday. He has a habit of contacting me on key dates. Idiot! Sooner he's gone, the better!