handfulofcottonbuds thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

My previous threads have reached their limits, the most recent one is whatnext074 is now cotton

I joined MN last October, I was desperate and worried for my sanity after my husband left me for OW. I have received the most incredible support from MN and truly believe I have been saved at least one night by those who stayed up with me messaging me.

I have gone through a whole range of feelings throughout this process and still am to a lesser extent but hopefully I am on the home straight now.

My Decree Nisi has been granted and I am in the process of agreeing a settlement.

I still get knocked but my MN friends and lurkers have given me so much strength - thank you xx

[optimistikcolouristik]

How are you Cotton? How is life going for you? Hope it is all behind now. X

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Thank you Hettie - and yes, I have heard and understood that quote before.

I'm sorry for anyone who goes through this. I still believe that he has done me a favour in a strange way as I have met some wonderful people and become far more independent and strong again as I was before I met him - that's what attracted him to me apparently.

Last night's talk into the early hours with my DS helped. I had no idea how perceptive he had been as I tried to protect him. We were open and honest and he held me for hours. I am blessed.

[HettieBoop]

No, you would never hurt another person like that, and you don't deserve to be with someone who would x

[handfulofcottonbuds]

No, he never had any friends. I did always find that strange as he was a social person. All his wedding guests were family and colleagues - not one friend. Strange for a man in his 30s.

(You have a good memory)

I believe now he lives his life through his image, the professional sensible man and I am just a bad memory now. I know him, he doesn't like that, he has created a new persona.

I saw a recent photo of him. I showed my DM, she didn't have a clue who he was! He looks terrible but he has seemingly completely changed his style and prefers the tramp look.

Like another thread on here at the moment, I have no idea what OW sees in him now - money?? They are both greedy.

I'll never know so I need to keep looking after myself.

My DS came home last night a little bit drunk. I was having a down day and he hugged me and we had a long chat. He said he knew I nearly ended it all and without question, he would have followed me. It broke my heart.

Affairs hurt. I could never hurt another person like that.

Thank you for your kind words x

[HettieBoop]

Divorce and separation is hard enough when you can look back on you marriage and say you gave it your best shot and parted with the respect and love you owed each other. Coping with a personality transplant and your beloved turning into your enemy is a jarring experience that I have also dealt with handful. It's a long road out from there, a hard road, but one where you learnt to accept the unacceptable and face the unimaginable. Watching you on this journey has been an inspiration. They say women are like teabags because you don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water.

As for your ex, and mine, and all the other men who have turned on their once loved wives like this.....I hope that you, like me, can eventually feel pity.

The only thing that matters in life is what sort of men and women we are in the face of the various challenges life throws at us. Sometimes people throw their integrity out of the window for a short-term gain and I think the long term result is always misery and pain.

I know how hard this is for you but there is a quote I read that rang true for me, "someone once gave me a box of darkness and it took me a long time to realise that was gift too"

It's in these dark times you discover what you're made of, and what others are made off too. Eventually you will end up with someone who would be incapable of this sort of behavior and that person will be the one for you. All of this will seem like a distant memory.

[optimistikcolouristik]

It is nice to hear from you cotton again. What a nasty person he has become. Once he was your soul and now he is your enemy. I think if OW was a nice descent person she could have asked him to be kinder to you. May be when he finds a new OW the latter will find out how it is to be in your shoes. I wonder what was he like before meeting you? I think you have mentioned in your posts he did not have that many friends or no friends at all. Could it be that he was always burning bridges behind him? A very selfish person. Does not treasure people's friendship.
Cannot suggest you much re the house. May be someone here can help? Your solicitor probably have already earned a fortune working on your divorce etc. You need a very good advise. Good luck!

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Thank you so much for thinking of me.

The divorce is still not finalised as he is demanding a lot of money and even suggested that he has continued to contribute to the mortgage for a year and that is 'more than generous'. He suggested that if I want to stay in the house, that I get my family to make up any shortfall - pay him off and we have a clean break! He still refuses to declare his OW's income, even though this reduces his own outgoings by 50%.

He says he has his own life now with OW and I am imposing on that with him still paying towards the house when he wants to buy a house with OW!

I haven't seen him since May, I doubt I will see him again. I have down days, been a few of those lately but that could be to do with the limbo stage and knowing this all happened a year ago.

My gorgeous date had to move for work and sadly, we couldn't do a LTR, I'm not actually sure I want a deep relationship right now. We're still in touch though

It's a long road, longer than I thought. I'm not on a deadline though, he is. His current tenancy runs out in February, he will want to buy a house with OW by this time I guess. I think it's going to get nastier

[HettieBoop]

Also lurked over from last year on your threads and wanted to say I also hope you are doing well. I hope life is going on, I hope you are gaining strength with every day and I hope time is healing the scars on you.

[optimistikcolouristik]

Handfulofcottonbuds, I have been a long-term lurker to you threads. How is everything now? Have you seen him since July? Still unkept? I hope you are doing well. Any nice dates?

[captainmummy]

Lovely to hear from you Handful. It's been a year? What a year!
I'm so glad you had the strength to stand up for yourself at work; it often is all that's needed.
Lovely that your ds has full time work to return to after his trip-of-a-lifetime.
And your new date sounds mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Thank you kiss

I've just received a 'chasing letter' from my FWH's solicitor, the date on it meant that FW hoped I'd receive it on my DS's 21st birthday. He has a habit of contacting me on key dates. Idiot! Sooner he's gone, the better!

[KissMyFatArse]

Onwards and upwards cotton! (Been lurking)

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Thank you x

My DS turned 21 last week and is currently on a holiday of a lifetime! When he gets back, he starts full time hours at work so he can help me out financially which will be useful.

I hope your online dating experience is going well, I feel like I could write a book!

[itwillgetbettersoon]

That is a lovely update Handful. I've seen that you have offered good advice to others on here.

I'm trying online dating and like you try to live for now rather than the future or in the past.

How is your wonderful son doing?

Well done you have really moved on x

[handfulofcottonbuds]

It was a year ago today that we went on our last holiday, the most lonely experience ever. My stbxh was cold, nasty and contacting OW all the time. He hardly spoke to me for the 2 weeks we were there. It would have been our wedding anniversary in 9 days time, it was this night that he told me he wanted a divorce.

So many emotions that I never knew existed, so much unbelievable physical and emotional pain, so much uncertainty.

So - move on a year......

I'm still trying to finalise the financial settlement, once that is done, my Decree Absolute will follow. I wanted it all done before our wedding anniversary but now it doesn't matter.

I feel nothing for him, no hatred, no love. In a very strange way, although I would have loved him forever, I actually think he's done me a favour. At the start of this, his DB said to me that he believed I would have the happy ending. I do believe this now.

My boss has been extremely unsupportive with everything and has gradually picked on me for everything and made my working life hell. So, I put in a formal complaint about her and things have improved. Would never have had the strength to do that before!

I also went through a rigorous recruitment process for a volunteer position that I start soon. This will hopefully help my future career goals.

I have been dating, had some 'questionable' dates but am currently dating the most gorgeous man that I have ever seen! He treats me like a lady and we laugh so much. Not sure where it will go but I now live in the moment rather than the past or always looking for something in the future. He is adorable fit as anything and 6 years younger

I am hoping that I have the confidence to book a holiday when this is all over, even if I have to go on my own. Just to cancel out the badness from my holiday last year.

I'm not sure how this will all end but I am happy, who would have thought??!

[Nevergrowingup]

Hi Cotton, just thinking about you and hoping that June is being kind to you. The weather and longer daylight helps a lot and I hope you are able to enjoy a little down time these days. x

[springydaffs]

Well, I've suffered from a lot of depression but I didn't splatter it all over other people, wasn't desperately cruel, didn't drip and whine about in their houses, and generally didn't put other people through pure hell. A crucial element of any depression is taking responsibility for your illness and not pushing it off onto others.

he may be depressed - who cares knows? - but his behaviour is reprehensible and there is no excuse for what he has done, and continues to do. He is an adult and, should he finally face any potential inner pain, it is fairly easy to get it addressed if he chooses - I don't think he does choose, though. imo it is catastrophic to step in and rescue when life is finally presenting a golden opportunity to do it himself. I'm not suggesting you are going to rescue him but you have a tendency towards a soft heart and, coupled with the tremendous bond you once had, imo (and ime) you can't afford to soften. I don't think excusing him because of this or that is ultimately a help in your healing?

however, I am not at all sure I am convinced he is depressed. As Pond says, some people are just twats. He is displaying a fair approximation of a twat imo.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

gilded - thank you for your words and I wish you strength

[gildedcage]

Handful all I can say is that I wish you all the best. I have a very depressed husband at the moment and I cry everyday (alot). As awful as it has been you will soon be on the other side of it.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

gildedcage - I agree with you. I thought that from the beginning as his violent and abusive behaviour had never been displayed in any form before.

He never talked about the babies, he couldn't deal with it. He collapsed one time in uncontrollable tears and said he would have been a good father. Then he told me a day later that I knew when I married him that he didn't want DCs, that hurt me terribly. He never went to the memorial garden. Then again, he never went to the hospice to see our niece.

He is also in a very high powered, pressured job and I'm not sure he has the belief that he can handle it.

I am surprised every time I see him as to how much he has deteriorated. He was often likened by people I knew as having film star looks - now he looks like a tramp.

9 months on, I would have expected him to have made progress. Nobody knew or will know him as I did. I can only imagine OW is either after his money or she believes she can 'save him' - like some kind of project.

He sat for a lot of the time chain smoking with his head in his hands. I honestly cannot believe how skinny he is. Why don't his parents do something?

He is not my problem, I'm not a pushover but I try and always have a kind heart.

bluesky - no never took drugs, was hard to even get him to take ibuprofen.

[gildedcage]

I agree across the pond...in that OP shouldn't spend any of her precious time picking things apart. Things are as they are and everything is nearly final. I am also not trying to excuse appalling behaviour and I'm sorry if I come across as if that is my intention, believe me I'm not.

I just felt like there were alot of questions about why the ex was behaving as he was. Obviously none of us know for sure but I just felt all his actions suggested depression which given the trauma both experienced this would fit. His actions, the crying, dishevelled appearance etc all seem to point to this.

I suppose I'm just putting it out there for the OP to do with as she feels with the very best of intentions. I wish you a very happy future OP.

[AcrossthePond55]

Mental health issues? I don't know, sometimes people are just twats.

In my divorce I finally decided that 'why' really didn't matter. I knew that the breakdown of the marriage wasn't my fault and that it really didn't matter why he did the things he did. All that mattered was that I wasn't going to live that way. It was kind of 'freeing' in a way. I didn't feel the need to pick things apart and relive things. It was like I had set down a huge box of rocks that I'd been carrying and just kept walking on.

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

Yeah I agree depression and/or some kind of substance issues (does he smoke pot? He sounds like a few guys I know who are habitual users - fully functioning but skanky looking with depressive issues)

Well once the financial issues are sorted he is no longer "your" problem and now you are slightly removed from the initial intense hurt I am sure you can see that it wasnt you it was him all along. Our first resposes is always what could I have done to keep him, what has she got that I havent and its generally just baggage that they are dealing with rather than anything to do with the relationship.

I agree the affair was probably a knee jerk reaction to escape the pain you had been though rather than man up and deal with it. Who knows if he would do it again, his pain seems to be more to do with his financial loss and self pity rather than any regret for the hurt he has caused - you are definately better off without a man like that however painful the process has been.

[gildedcage]

Just to say that your ex sounds depressed and has self medicated with an affair which is classic unfortunately. Please know that I'm not saying this to excuse any of his actions...far from it. I'm also not trying to suggest that he isn't manipulative. I haven't read your entire thread but everything I have seen screams of a mental health issue. It doesn't give any comfort in this appalling situation but it does perhaps explain some of his strange behaviour.

You're entirely correct in that he has done you a massive favour...as harsh as it sounds living with a person with these types of issues can break your spirit

[captainmummy]

Def try not to let him into your house any more. It has really unbalanced you emotionally. You cannot make him see what he's done to you - he will deny, misremember, justify - anything to make him out to be misunderstood and actually the 'good' guy in this. He'll then throw a few tears your way, grow a beard and you get thrown on the back foot again.

You are right tho - it doesn't matter now. You are not responsible for his happiness now. Only your own and your ds. (who I'm sure understands).