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Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

(672 Posts)
handfulofcottonbuds Fri 27-Dec-13 14:33:41

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

mammadiggingdeep Fri 27-Dec-13 14:41:49

Bloody love the name...

So, what do I call you? Handful? Cottonbuds? Feel a bit like a friend has changed her name from Susie to Kate smile

I'm sorry Xmas was so hard for you. Well done for getting through it. Whatever 2014 holds for you, I'm absolutely sure that next Xmas will be much, much better for you.

Just think back to the start if your old thread. Look how far you've come...amazing. You're a strong cookie cottonbuds
smile

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 27-Dec-13 14:51:24

Thanks mamma. Call me cottonbuds or cotton or even What, I don't mind. It does make me smile though remembering my DS and his experiment.

I keep holding onto the idea that next C/mas will be different, I think it will be a long journey though.

Have been crying so much lately, maybe it's the time of year, maybe it's reality hitting me. I will go and see my GP next week to see if he can do anything to help as I don't feel as strong as I did a few weeks ago. Think it's got a lot to do with knowing H and OW are on holiday and the reality that it's a serious affair and I just feel abandoned.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 27-Dec-13 15:19:40

Yes- I can imagine you feel abandoned. He's been a cunt he really has.

Yes- the year will be a long, and at times hard journey but you must hold on to the fact that at the end of that journey will be good times. You will have found yourself again, you'll be happy and who knows what will happen? What adventures youll have along the way? You have your courses to start- that's the first step along your journey...

See the gp but hold on to the fact that this time of year is very hard on anybody having a tough time. The stronger you is still there...not far away. She'll be back when all this talk of tinsel, family fun and forced frivolity goes away.

Come on cottonbuds....this bastard isn't gonna get the better of you. We won't let that happen.

redundantandbitter Fri 27-Dec-13 15:44:00

Hi cotton, changing your name is a good sign. Really good sign- I know you have slipped a bit but recovering from grief is a big dip . Don't be hard on yourself, mid winter has been
And the days are getting longer. Hopefully the sun will
Shine on us heartbroken ladies soon. We've seen enough bloody darkness no? backslide'

Nevergrowingup Fri 27-Dec-13 15:48:07

Hi, lovely. to see you on a fresh thread. I had written a note last night, here it is...

What, being strong is relative. A few weeks ago, I bet you couldn't have considered going anywhere at Christmas. Going out and being part of a family event has taken massive strength, it was immense.

Sometimes Christmas is a day when everyone just wants everything to be 'normal'. That may be part of what your family were doing their best to avoid the elephant in the room. It's a huge learning curve for them and remember that they are, in a way, playing catch up with you.

Your low mood is understandable. Christmas is meant to look like the glossy mags, the cookery programmes... yeah, right! Christmas was bound to be shit for you this year. Don't worry that your family seem to be dismissive. They are learning to deal with this too. Some of what they spout will be good, some will be crap. What matters is how you feel.

Just get through today, then tomorrow. That's the only thing that's important at the moment. X

itwillgetbettersoon Fri 27-Dec-13 16:07:25

Good afternoon lovely to see your new thread. 2014 is going to be a good year for all of us on your thread.

I too have finances to sort out, house, and divorce and probably hearing that the Ow (27) is expecting a baby with my STBXH (47). He was an inpatient dad ten years ago!!!

mrsmciver Fri 27-Dec-13 16:22:12

Hello What or Cotton. Have been following your thread, mostly as a lurker. I am willing you on, you have that strength, we can all hear it. Many hugs to you.

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 27-Dec-13 16:22:39

Nevergrowingup - did you make a note of that to put on my thread? I am so touched. You are right, it's a learning curve for them too. We haven't had anything like this in my family before, well not for my generation anyway. I will be patient with them too.

itwillgetbettersoon - that is my fear too as I know my H will think it's a way to reprieve his grief from our lost babies and OW is older than me (41) so she might view it as her last chance. It would break my heart but as posters said on my last thread, I cannot let that consume me as it hasn't happened yet and I have enough to deal with right now.

We can support each other through the finances, divorce, house etc - nice to know we're not alone.

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 27-Dec-13 16:23:21

Thank you mrsmciver - how are you doing at the moment lovely?

Nevergrowingup Fri 27-Dec-13 16:39:07

Hi, I did - and it's a minor miracle I managed to paste it as I am getting used to a new laptop... my teenagers make me feel very slow with it!!

I wanted to make that point as our family dealt with this kind of thing a few years ago. It was like learning a new language. Someone you thought you could trust was an out and out liar, rewrote history and went on to reinvent themselves, leaving a trail of bewildered and heartbroken people behind them. That person said they were happy so everyone else should be too... you couldn't make it up! The 'script' is well used.

It takes a long time to get over this depth of betrayal and manipulation. That's why you should keep reminding yourself that it's VERY early days. You may never make sense of what your ex has done and he may hurt you more. In the meantime you can keep building up your boundaries. You'll be more able to deal with the next steps when they come.

mrsmciver Fri 27-Dec-13 16:46:20

I am so broken Cotton. So griefstricken. I am a mess. I am up all night again wailing with grief, can't eat or sleep. Constantly sick. I am in hell to be honest.
You do sound stronger than me though and you will be, I just know it. You have more of a determination about you and you are going to go on to be a stronger person. You will be a phoenix rising from the ashes!

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 27-Dec-13 18:04:37

Nevergrowingup - yes, that's exactly it and they do leave a trail of heartbroken people behind them, not just the DW. My H said he deserved to be happy - to hell with anyone else. What he should have said was, "you know what, I can't deal with the losses we've had. I've found OW who doesn't have any of this and I'm shagging her".

When my dear nieces passed away, though it was incredibly sad and painful for the rest of us, we weren't living the grief. We could to some extent get on with our lives as were weren't surrounded by memories 24/7. In a way, it's similar for me now, I am living this constantly. My family are affected too but they can get on with their lives and switch off from it to an extent. This is my pain and it seems those on MN understand that as sadly you have been through it or are going through it too.

mrsmciver - I understand how you feel. I have been there sweetie and sometimes, even now, I go back there and describing yourself as 'broken' is very apt.

What are you doing to help yourself? Have you been to the doctor? Have you got someone close who can give you a hug and hand you tissues? I only started to feel a bit stronger when I did things for me, got my hair cut, joined Pilates, signed up for some courses, bought flowers, had a massage. Lots of people on here advised me to 'be kind to myself' and that's what I try to do.

BlueSkySunnyDay Fri 27-Dec-13 18:15:08

I like the new name smile I very nearly sent you Christmas wishes but knew it would be a rough point for you, please be prepared to feel the same New Years Eve.. the times we build up to be "happy" times are really the hardest.

If your mum isn't always insensitive (mine is) then I suspect she may be attempting tough love thinking If you can't get stronger for yourself perhaps making you look at the impact your grief is having on those who love you.

BlueSkySunnyDay Fri 27-Dec-13 18:17:02

Meant to say...

If your mum isn't always insensitive (mine is) then I suspect she may be attempting tough love thinking If you can't get stronger for yourself perhaps making you look at the impact your grief is having on those who love you
may work

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 27-Dec-13 18:23:17

bluesky - thank you. Yes, she is trying tough love and also saying she knows how I feel then telling me things about my Dad which isn't helping. She means well but doesn't say the right things and sometimes makes it worse. She also tells me about others who she thinks have it worse than I do, that just makes me feel guilty and almost like I haven't got a right to feel the way I do.

NYE will be hard, no plans, will be at home. My DS will be away. I'm going to try and get some things organised, paperwork etc.

mrsmciver Fri 27-Dec-13 18:48:21

Cotton, thank you. I have been trying so hard, just as you have. I have tried and tried and tried. But this is the last straw for me.
I have really been admiring your strength, as I said I have been lurking for a while. And please keep on posting. My ex left last Apriland I have been in a lot of turmoil, not knowing what was going on but now I finally do and I am back at square one.
he let us all know by texting my youngest daughter the news. She was upset and told me.

mrsmciver Fri 27-Dec-13 18:48:42

Oh and he done this on xmas eve.

BlueSkySunnyDay Fri 27-Dec-13 19:17:28

If I can see someone is struggling then "how are you" would be the last thing I would ask. I knew that on a bad day that question would push me over the edge and make me worse, I could go from "holding it together" to distraught.

Maybe They thought putting you in a double, maybe even the one you and FWH shared, could have been distressing? I think often family make it worse because they want you to recover and be happy again they try too hard to make it better.

I think people who say "its been x amount of time, you should be over it" just havent been through it.

Initially you struggled to get through the day, the good moments will get more and more frequent if you let them.... deliberately push him out of your head If he slips in - I know I keep saying that, but it does work (smile)

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 27-Dec-13 19:46:52

the good moments will get more and more frequent if you let them.... deliberately push him out of your head If he slips in - I know I keep saying that, but it does work

bluesky ^ this ^ I do that, it's just got a bit harder lately. You know the film Love Actually when the guy loves Keira Knightly but she's already in a relationship? He turns up at her door with the cards proclaiming his love and at the end, he walks away and says, "enough now, enough". I do that, when the thoughts come in my head I try and push them out and say "enough now, enough" - out loud.

mrsmciver - hope you don't mind but I just read your May thread. You do sound incredibly strong on there and you sound a lovely person with a good heart and caring DDs. You started from a desperate place and I could hear you getting stronger through your thread. It might help you to read through it again and as usual, Cog is spot on with her advice as are the rest of advice given. You are strong x

sarajane231 Fri 27-Dec-13 20:32:40

OP I read your last thread. On 14th Nov my fiance who I thought adored me walked out on myself and my son and turned from the most loving, kind man into a vold heartless bastard. There is no OW but he just decided he didnt love me anymore. All made worse by the fact that myself and DS had relocated when he proposed so he left me homeless / jobless and with no one I knew nearby.

I have been through all the same emotions as you....disbelief...bewilderment....denial...anger...sadness.

Can safely say betrayal by someone you love and deeply trust is one of the most painful experiences in life that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Christmas was a nightmare for me too but well done to you for surviving it and keeping going.

I know and you know that the s
un will shine again. I can offer no advice, but send hugs to you and I know how you feel.

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 27-Dec-13 20:43:47

Thank you sarajane, I remember your thread and I agree, having gone through such raw grief with losing babies, I can sadly say now that betrayal by someone you love and trust is one of the most painful experiences. I'm ashamed to say though that I would wish it on my H and OW, maybe that's where I let myself down.

Are you back home now?

skyeskyeskye Fri 27-Dec-13 21:13:04

Nice to see you cotton, have been looking out all day for your new thread. Hi to mrsm too.

Next Christmas will be a bit easier than this one. I got through the day and then cried when everyone was in bed. But it was easier than last year.

You have both done so well and been so strong up to now. The time of year is enough to bring anyone down if your life hasn't gone the way you wanted. If I didn't have DD , I wouldn't give a fig about Christmas.

It's a New Year and a new start. I'm coming up to two years since XH left, in April. Each day, week, month is a bit further on in your life.

I saw something on Text Santa that made me cry, a mother of 3yo DD diagnosed with terminal cancer. She had counselling and they said to her, do you want to make the most of the life you have left with your DD or do you want to spend those days consumed with bitterness and sadness?

It really made me think about the future and not wasting any more time crying about my twat of XH.

Get past Christmas, into the New Year and start again. That's all we can do. And you can do it.

sarajane231 Fri 27-Dec-13 21:35:30

I am with my parents just now smile

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 27-Dec-13 21:46:14

So sad.

My DM has just called and the conversation started okay but then she started again saying that my smile has gone, it's been over 6 months now (it hasn't) and that I am killing myself and it's not fair on them and how my DB is far worse off than me and I am being selfish for feeling the way I am and I should be over it now. She said it's over, my H doesn't want me and he's with someone else and forget about it. She said my Dad is deleting my H from family photos. I didn't say anything, just listened and cried and then told her I had to go and she got angry with me. I'm not going to answer the phone again, she's making me worse, I'm not selfish, I always try and think of others. I was okay before she phoned me.

I'm a wreck again now.

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