To the lady who just got off the train at Clapham Junction..

[sophiaverloren]

Please don't marry him. At least, not yet. He has just spent 5 uninterrupted minutes telling you how shit the wedding make up has been whoever has done it. You would look better without it . You don't know what you are talking about. And, when asked what's wrong and you say " I get it, just don't go on about it" ( cos he was..) COMPLETELY IGNORED YOU and did the "yes but you need to know this" thing. He was HORRIBLE. I sincerely hope he'd had a few so had got hung up on one subject, but darling, that's not the impression I got.

On train home, had a few myself but felt desperately uncomfortable to be witness to the conversation and wanted to let it out...

This is what a link to the Relationships board looks like:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

if you gave me a card I would ram it where the sun dont shine

HOW judgy

and additionally oyu have NO idea of the dynamics of relationships from a fleeting moment on a train PLUS you don't know if your rather stupid card idea will actually put the woman in physical danger.

Ridiculous.

Ah, Troy, it's been years since I last saw a post from you.

thanks for checking!

Well let's hope that doesn't kill the thread as it was really rather supportive.

Meh. Making the woman feel she's to blame. Great

Ummm, how is it making the woman feel she's to blame, troy?

Well, you could always (in the interest of fairness) give your OHs cards to hand out to the "not very nice" blokes that say "That's no way to treat a woman."

I do think that one of the reasons that domestic abuse is still rife in the population is because men don't get the utter condemnation that they should from OTHER MEN. They get it from other women, to some extent, but they dismiss that as they feel women are beneath them. I'd really like to see decent men take a huge stand against it and start speaking out in situations and making it clear that it's not acceptable behaviour. Sadly, it just doesn't seem to happen.

agree with Alice - its not HER issue to move out/bin him, its HIS issue to stop demeaning women

I absolutely agree that men should be challenged on and condemned for this behaviour - and I'd love to see other men doing that - but in the meantime supporting a woman to find a way out herself is hardly blaming her, is it? Abusive men rarely change and take responsibility for their behaviour, after all.

Just because a sympathetic look, or a supportive word, or an MN card may not be the complete answer to the embedded cultural/psychological/whatever root of abuse doesn't make it pointless. Or 'judgy'.

Exactly tea. Until men step up to the plate and condemn the behaviour (and I think this should be a primary focus for change!), then women need support to get out of an abusive situation. I look at it as a two pronged approach, really.

How can giving a woman a card put her in physical danger if her partner is not abusive ?

How about like this? I am on the case!

I do like the idea of a card but suspect MNHQ might be wary.

And also I think not everybody wants to be rescued, and it could have a negative response. Hard though because it could help in lots of situations. But then if someone's been handed a card saying "OMG this is terrible, you should leave!!" and you think, WTF do they know?? and bin it, you're not then likely to go to that same source of advice/info 3 years down the line when you realise that you can't put up with that kind of treatment any more. I'd be embarrassed. It would be the last place I'd go.

I have seen posters for Women's Aid outlining what "abuse" is other than the obvious with little tear off strips with the national domestic violence helpline number on. They're almost always all gone :(

I don't think it should have the spiel about being respected and such. First of all, I think that it should be very low key - so if the male takes it and reads it, he doesn't blow his stack at the woman. A simple "Mumsnet Card. For more info, see ... " and then the link address.

A- curiosity may make some log on just to see what it is.
B- male doesn't feel threatened by it, and even if he tosses it, the Mumsnet Card part (if she's read it) may stick in her head to log on in private and check further.
C- not condescending at all, not assuming anything.

The reason I say no spiel on there about respected and the other stuff is that some may feel it is condescending, some may feel intimidated by it or alienated by the implication, the male may feel threatened by it, and the woman (or the male) may be offended by it.

This would be more subtle.

Buy cards here!

Reality nice one. However there's a little spelling mistake that you might want to fix, it should be "advice" not "advise".

You are sizzling, Reality! I like it. (just needs the typo sorting)

Bollocks!

No, I definitely think 'advice' works better than 'bollocks'.

In work for a local authority and THE very best 'giveaway' thing we've had are some innocuous looking lip balm things. They had nothing on them except a bar code. The numbers under the barcode were the Women's Aid free phone number!

Fantastic! Women could have it in their bag and if found it wouldn't escalate any potential abuse because it was so discrete.

So the cards need to be designed to be completely innocent looking. Love the idea!

I was in a petrol station a year or so ago, and a man got into the car and punched his girlfriend in the face. He took the car keys and walked off.

As I was talking to her, he came back, and squared up to me. He said 'what the fuck's it got to do with you?' Adrenaline got the better of me and I was shouting at him 'YOU JUST PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE, YOU PRICK, DID YOU REALLY THINK NOBODY WOULD HELP HER??'

I thought he was going to hit me, but he didn't. I told him if he didn't give her the car keys back and fuck off, I would call the police. He threw them at her and went.

She drove home after him :( It was awful. And I would do it again anytime.