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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To the lady who just got off the train at Clapham Junction..

143 replies

sophiaverloren · 30/05/2014 19:47

Please don't marry him. At least, not yet. He has just spent 5 uninterrupted minutes telling you how shit the wedding make up has been whoever has done it. You would look better without it . You don't know what you are talking about. And, when asked what's wrong and you say " I get it, just don't go on about it" ( cos he was..) COMPLETELY IGNORED YOU and did the "yes but you need to know this" thing. He was HORRIBLE. I sincerely hope he'd had a few so had got hung up on one subject, but darling, that's not the impression I got.

On train home, had a few myself but felt desperately uncomfortable to be witness to the conversation and wanted to let it out...

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 31/05/2014 08:27

Oh how I am laughing about the LTB cards!!

I remember standing outside a hotel in Majorca whilst XH ranted in my face about how I was "no fun" and "not the girl he married" as he wanted to carry on drinking and I wanted to take out two little ones to bed at 11pm. A woman who was passing gave me "that look." Part pity, part disgust.

I felt so ashamed and it did take me a few more years to get away from him. A card asking "Do you have a wankbadger in your life?" would have been vair useful.

TheHoneyBadger · 31/05/2014 08:33

the sticky thread could outline red flags, explain the basics of control and abuse techniques, have links to other organisations and checklists etc and offer support. it would be marvelous.

it would also give us something to do in these awful 'witness' situations - it's not always safe to say something and not everyone has that personality type anyway. simply slipping a card in their bag or within a flyer that looks innoculous enough would be so handy.

RudyMentary · 31/05/2014 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WireCat · 31/05/2014 08:47

It's so hard when we witness things like this.
The problem with interfering is that the woman isn't going to LTB on the spot & I would worry that my saying something would make things worse.

A sympathetic look to the woman doesn't go amiss though.

Well done to the person who reported the hospital one to security.

Primadonnagirl · 31/05/2014 08:56

I love the LTB cards! Joking aside, it really could help someone. I had an ex who was a bully.One day we were at a petrol pump and he was having a rant at me.the guy at the next pump looked at me and gave me a sad sympathetic smile.It nearly broke my heart as I was embarrassed and ashamed but I really appreciated his kindness. It still makes me well up even now..years after I finally LTB!!!

pamplemoussed · 31/05/2014 11:09

Omg.. I think I have witnessed this couple! Dh were sat in a 4 on the same route about 2 weeks ago and the other couple were wedding planning and she went on and on about her mother thinks this and her mother thinks that...and could he "check" with her mother before booking x or y? He was so far away he didn't care. They got off at clap ham junction and we continued to Waterloo, discussing how glad we weren't going to that wedding!

Nishky · 31/05/2014 11:21

I wish you guys were around when my abusive ex made me cry in the pub, I tried to hide it and noticed a woman smirking at me. Double humiliation. Thanks love.

Hogwash · 31/05/2014 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBusLady · 31/05/2014 13:40

I intervene on trains loads Grin The other day I politely told a guy to stop hitting on a girl who clearly didn't want to talk to him. He was probably just a bit naive but some of his questions sounded bloody odd - asking her where she lived, where she was getting off the train etc. she was on her own, this was at night. Don't these men think??

steppemum · 31/05/2014 13:57

I really love the idea of the cards. It would have to be a simple not LTB message though, and also ake it clear that you have been targeted (not a random advert)

eg
Mumsnet is site for women supporting women, go on and click on the 'mumsnet cards thread' to see why someone thought you might find this site helpful

wafflyversatile · 31/05/2014 14:16

Actually the mumsnet card could be quite good. Grin there could be a sticky thread called 'Introduce yourself here if you've been given a mumsnet card'

Just a long list of posts like this:

Hi I came here because someone gave me a card at Clapham Junction

LTB

Hi, someone gave me a card when I was in the middle of an argument with my bf. What's this all about then?

LTB

Hi, Not sure why I'm here. Someone gave me a card in A&E.

LTB

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 14:22

Or...... a version of the card in t-shirt form worn under the outer garments (but above the stays )... which, in a crisis, could be exposed in swift action of WonderWoman meets the B&Q ads.

I've got the power!!

Seriously, I think (at the risk of a knife in the ribs) more of us should speak out if we see antisocial behaviour. I'm getting on a bit, I've nothing to lose.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 31/05/2014 14:31

Not "who you gonna call?" But "where you gonna post?"

Love it.

Hissy · 31/05/2014 18:56

:D I have to say, when I suggested calling cards, the black magic music was ringing in my ears!

I love the idea of a Movement. We do need to stand up for women, on the tube, in the pub, in the hospitals, in our surgeries.

We need it, even in the 'civilised' society, which is horrifying. One is perhaps kind of anaesthetised against the shock of the horror of the two young girls found hanging, the 200 kidnapped, the stoned pregnant woman, her 'widowed husband' killed his 1st wife to marry her too Ffs. These places are barbaric, perhaps they don't even know any better. What can be expected?

I know there's zero excuse for any of this, but i'm sure you see what I mean. This treatment of our sex must stop. It can't go on.

No religion deemed this acceptable, Man did. Well Man can Man up, the 'party' is over.

Having a need for one of us to speak up on a train in the UK is horrific.

This is Clapham Junction ffs. It shouldn't happen here, or in London, or in Manchester or cardiff, or anywhere in this country. In plain sight? Broad daylight? How dare he?

Our lot is so much better than it is for some in other parts of the world, but still that's not good enough.

Standing up for women, showing clearly that this behaviour towards us is unreasonable and out of order, having police/security to back that up and courts to process would surely do some good? Right?

Our children need educating that this is unacceptable, our teens, young adults. Our brothers cousins, fathers, grand fathers.

Sexism and misogyny must be treated seriously. The lord accused of sexual harassment must go, apology or no apology. We must, as a society be surgical with our amputation of rancid and toxic parts.

We need society to stop casual Sexism in music, fashion, sport, work, everywhere.

Actifizz · 31/05/2014 19:04

I was totally and utterly humiliated by my Ex in a shop buying sunglasses of all things. The shop assistant looked at me with such pity.I was biting my lip so hard to stop myself from crying. But she very deliberately turned her back to him and spoke to me directly about the sunglasses 'I' wanted and that 'I' was paying for.
I stayed for some time after that but I do believe her reaction partly helped me to see my marriage for what it was.

Seabright · 31/05/2014 19:07

Maybe we could combine it with an "underground railroad" network of safe houses (well, safe-spare-bedrooms) to help escapees?

I've been mulling that idea for a while after reading so many sad threads on here.

Shakey1500 · 31/05/2014 19:15

Cards- brilliant idea!

Yes, yes, a link on it to a thread! "Welcome, you've found yourself here because a random stranger cared enough about you to point you in this direction"

Ifpigscouldfly · 31/05/2014 19:55

I used to work in customer service and once had a phone call with a women who's partner was screaming and swearing at her in the background. She was crying andtrying to whisper "stop it" and "please don't".

I asked if she was ok and she said yes but I think he could hear. I was so upset I made my manager listen to see if we could get the police involved but he said it didn't seem clear that the guy was shouting at her the whole time just at the start so he couldn't be sure what was going on so they were going to do nothing.

Hmm Angry

Still wish there was something I could have done.

Winterwardrobetime · 31/05/2014 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeeinbed · 31/05/2014 20:05

I was siting in an antenatal clinic once and there was a couple, a young woman and her partner.

He managed to belittle her, jokingly slap her, make fun of her.
She seemed to be happy with it though, at least it looked that way.

I know there was nothing I could do, but it was horrible to watch.

ILickPicnMix · 31/05/2014 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Primadonnagirl · 31/05/2014 20:28

They could just say " you don't have to put up with this" and then maybe a link to here or some helplines???

TakingTheStairs · 31/05/2014 20:30

The cards are a brilliant idea. Well done Hissy

LizzieVereker · 31/05/2014 20:32

under the outer garments (but above the stays) - Cogito, that made me chortle Grin

Yes, big fat yes to cards! Even if we gave out fifty a day but only one person came here for help, it would be worth it.

Jux · 01/06/2014 02:12

I do like the idea of cards.

There's a thread in Relationships somewhere (it's an old one) where the op states all the things you have a right to expect from your partner, like "You have the right to be respected" or somethng. If is a brilliant opening post, and would be good for the thread being pointed to on the card.

If I can find it I'll put a link here and you can see whether you think it would work. I can't actually remember how the thread went on.