Separate finances

[Layla001]

My DP and I have been together 2 years. We are currently expecting our first child together. When we met he was separated from his now ex wife. He moved into my house after about 3 months together. I did not ask him to pay an equal share of things at the time as he was between jobs, earned much less than me at the time and was finding his feet. Hence he mainly contributed by paying for some food and at other times the odd contribution. This was the case for around 9 months. He then secured a better paid job, we were then earning around the same so we split all household costs 50/50.

After we had been together around 16 months we bought a house together. He paid the deposit from his divorce settlement which we have agreed he gets back in full should be ever split. Outside of the deposit we pay a fixed amount into a joint account each month to cover basic household costs such as mortgage, bills etc. We both pay exactly the same amount each month.

However he now has a permanent and much higher paid job - so for the last 8 months he has earned almost double what I earn. I still pay 50% of everything despite the fact he now earns a significant amount more. I also pay 50% of large purchases such as sofas, dining tables etc.

I am by far the most sensible with money - he has admitted this too. I save a fixed amount every month into savings for emergencies. I don't spend a lot on myself and I go without that month if I have run out of money. He spends more freely than I do - on his hobbies etc. There have been times when he has said things about money that make me cross and feel demeaned. Hard to explain but in a nutshell it is as though if he feels he has made larger contribution to anything he resents me. When I am frugal, spend little on myself, contribute proportionally a lot more than he does. Now and in the beginning of our relationship when he had virtually no money.

We are now expecting a baby together - he did mention we should pool money and everything be joint once we have a family together, which I agree with. Also I will take a huge drop in income to look after baby (and be main carer as he works away mon-fri) and feel very vulnerable and exposed financially. I suggested that we now have both our salaries deposited into our joint account. Everything is shared. We then each have a fixed amount each month go from the joint account to our individual accounts so that we both have some security. And we also should have a fixed amount go into our joint savings account. The rest stays in our joint current account for both of us.

He looked annoyed when I suggested this. He wants to keep control of his money and be in control of transferring some into our joint account each week (he is paid weekly). I feel demeaned and resentful already and horrified. I feel that he will try to hide things, and that our relationship will be based on him having access to what I see as our joint salary/income as a family. On maternity I will get £500 per month. He gets £4000 per month after tax every month. I want everything open and shared and I am already starting to feel alone and isolated and quite resentful. Especially as I am the sensible one with money. I may as well be a single mother and continue my life alone as I did for 38 years before I met him if he intends to keep money for himself and hide what he spends.

I am already facing a huge life change - it us really hard to be dependent on someone since I have always had to look after myself financially and have had to work really hard in my job to get where I am today - all if this I will have to sacrifice to have our baby. He will in contrast continue now to earn a substantial amount compared to me over the next 5-10 years and I am scared I will feel separate too him and alone.

Marriage is not important to some of us.

I have been with my OH for 18 years, two children, we own two properties, have savings and wills. Marriage is not something I have wanted. Certainly not for something as loveless as finance.
That's what lawyers are for.

beatwings post reminds me of something I want to ask OP: has he made a Will? Would you be financially secure if he fell off a mountain or an oil rig? A lot of people still don't make Wills - which can cause a whole lot of heartache and trouble if they die.

Sorry to be morbid, but it really is important.

Jux - thank you for your kind words :-)

Beatingwings - Yes the marriage one is always subject of debate. I do feel I have spent a lot of my life explaining to others why I am not married lol. I face questions like, "Don't you want a wedding dress?!" I'm not opposed, more that I have been unmarried so long it feels fine to me. Although recently when I take a little secret look at him and want to kiss him, I think - hmmmm it could be really quite nice to call you my husband.

Old grandma (great name :-)) We are making a will in the next couple of months. We have already organised life insurance for him if he falls off a crane, rig, mountain. Specialised insurance by a climbing organisation. Covers us for anything like that he does and more. My job provides a death in service grant - I can nominate a person to receive in the event of my death. This amount would be just enough to clear the mortgage.

Beatingwings and Old a Grandma - one of my key concerns is my dog. He's not being shared. He's mine and no one else's ever! Lol My name is on his microchip and he is my little jewel. I had him since he was a puppy and for a long time it was just me and him. I have regularly said under no circumstance will I ever agree to the dog being parted from me lol. I know someone recently who reconciled with a partner because they were too afraid to surrender the dog to each other.......

Oh dear, sorry to go on, but ... because you're not married, his Estate would be liable for Inheritance Tax, if his Estate was over 325,000 and that would probably include life insurance, unless this was 'written in Trust' (maybe other MNs know more about this than I). But if you are married, then there is no Inheritance Tax liability between married partners. Worth considering, is it not? Bear in mind that the value of houses has increased massively and in many cases, the value of the house alone can exceed the IHT threshhold. If, heaven forbid, something happened to your partner, you could really be left up s**t creek financially.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it does worry me.

Um, suddenly the DOG is thrown into the mix? I don't quite undersand how this links into your worries about finances.

layla seriously- a dog? Once you have a baby your views on the importance of a pet may change somewhat.

I don't get the separate finances, having a baby and or marriage should put an end to this. I earn more the DW (though a lot less than OP-DP), but I pay more bills so we have approximately the same remainder (DW is on maternity leave at moment)

DW friends husband is the same they have just had a kid but but he 'must' have his own money to buy comic books,tech,video games, go drinking/betting etc (30's they have just had child)

Layla001 you are a martyr. you are doing all the running. he is not and he wont be.

he is not going to improve much from where he is at the moment. this is how he is. you will be the one making sacrifices. not him.

I hope it all works out.

For what it's worth I think you'd be best off both compromising. We drew up a budget which included every single cost we could think of and arranged for that to be covered by our joint account. We each have our salary paid into our sole accounts then each pay an agreed amount into the joint account to cover all of our costs. Whatever is left in our sole accounts we just spend as and when we need it and will happily give one another money if need be.

The point is that we are secure in the knowledge that all costs are covered and it's easy to keep track of what's left. We share but also have our own accounts too and it works great.

It's a massive change for you both and perhaps making a compromise is a good first step that could be taken further in time.

OP I sincerely hope it works out, but you do seem quite defensive and I'm not convinced your taking much in, so I'm out.

This sounds like jealousy to me.

I'm not even sure why I'm answering this, but I really, sincerely am not. I was merely pointing out that 'no choice' is a bit of a dramatic thing to say for a reasonable income earner in a high earning household.

We take in a similar income. Both DP and are a few years younger (early 30s) and I am the one in your DP's position income-wise but in a 9-5 job, so no, I am assuredly not jealous any more than the person upthread who mentioned you could continue to teach was necessarily 'uneducated'

Our neighbours have split but we're not married, we hear them arguing as one put deposit in they at stalemate as one believes 50-50 the other wants their deposit deducted from a sale

OK, I think you're being a bit OTT with a few things but you are under a lot of stress at the moment so it's forgiveable.

You would be able to reach full time and look after a child, thousands of women people do, and do so as a single parent. So if necessary, you will be able to. You might just need to work on your time management, but it's very doable, more so than many other jobs.

However, you're right that you don't necessarily need to and you would probably cope better if you didn't have that extra pressure to deal with, especially when as a partnership you are comfortable financially. Keeping your hand in two days a week is a good idea, you can step it back up if you need to later on.

It sounds like he likes his financial independence, which is fine, you do too, so do most people. However, the situation you are BOTH in more in life is that you need to be a team so you can do the best for your child.

It sounds like he will get there, is just that initial scary but of "letting go" of having all his money to do with as he pleases. But we all get to a point in life where we need to take responsibility for more than just ourselves.

Eg- almost-DH and I don't have DC yet, we are late twenties and after some "very hard graft" (I hate when people imply that they worked harder than others who are low paid) we have established ourselves in good careers. We share finances. We can now afford to do a lot more than before, bit can't have it all ways, so if we want nice house in dream area we won't have as much fun money or money to save, ditto for nice cars and holidays etc.

Your DP just needs to accept that he has moved into a different stages in life due to his desire for a family, and the sacrifice is that he will have slightly less fun money, but he can't have it all ways where he continues as before and you take the hit on everything. I think he'll get there soon.

And to whoever said that you were effectively still "just dating", ODFOD, what a ridiculous thing to say.

I got thinking meanwhile that I suspect that his hobby, along with his job, will start to grate very soon after the birth of this child, particularly if he continues to do it as before. Both financially and support wise.
You are happy to see him happy now, but when you are left at home holding the baby, you will resent him. Particularly if you hold a FT job or are dependent on his handouts, or whatever is left from his expenses.

I tend to agree Lweji. I have known some lovely men just like the OP's boyfriend, but they tend to remain free spirits.

It's almost as if they are agreeing to get a new puppy in having a child, not really ready for the comittment.

Working away and then off rock climbing doesn't leave a lot of time for family life. It's really leaving the OP as a single parent which I actually think she would be better off being.

Sure he needs lots of contact with his child, but I also think he should be giving a hefty maintainance, OP would then be able to pay childcare and continue to work after maternity leave.
She would be better off financially and I suspect emotionally in the long term, not forever pining who a man isn't going to be around very much.

How much credit card debt does he have? £200 a month is a lot in repayments! It does not make financial sense to be saving £1600 PCM when you have c card debt. There interest on the c card will be higher. Spend your excess paying this off ASAP before the baby arrives.

Also your budget doesn't account for baby expenditure. It is easy to spend £2-3000 on equipment before he /she even arrives.

I think you should plan to return to work after your 52 weeks leave. You will be able to afford childcare between you and it will give you long term financial security. You wo t know how it suits you unless you at least give it a shot. There are so many women on mn who regret giving up their careers. You don't have to.

I agree weatherall- £200 a month is a lot in repayments. That may only be the minimum required so not really touvjing the balance. It could amount to quite a few thousand pounds of debt.

He keeps all his money for himself.
Works away and then spends his free time on his hobby.
If you transfer your salary to the joint account - he will spend it on a climbing wall
Whats the betting he has serious debts ,that you don't know about?

He is lovely and caring and bakes cakes but wont support you and his child or adjust his lifestyle at all when the baby arrives.

What are you getting out of this relationship ?
Sorry to say this but you would be in a better position financially and emotionally if you left him.

"He keeps all his money for himself." - mum no not really. Until the child is born they are just boyfriend and girlfriend who pay half the bills and have their own salaries in their own account. Hardly a crime.

"Works away and then spends his free time on his hobby." - shock horror a job and a hobby. I must have missed the memo where that was not allowed.

"If you transfer your salary to the joint account - he will spend it on a climbing wall." I think that was meant as a joke by the OP

"Whats the betting he has serious debts ,that you don't know about?" He very well could have, it's a relative new relationship at two years. But so could the OP.

"What are you getting out of this relationship?" Dropping to part time, someone else paying the bulk of the bills and her savings and the baby she has longed for for years.

"I think you should plan to return to work after your 52 weeks leave. You will be able to afford childcare between you and it will give you long term financial security. You wo t know how it suits you unless you at least give it a shot. There are so many women on mn who regret giving up their careers. You don't have to.think you should plan to return to work after your 52 weeks leave. You will be able to afford childcare between you and it will give you long term financial security. You wo t know how it suits you unless you at least give it a shot. There are so many women on mn who regret giving up their careers. You don't have to."

Exactly. Childcare is easily affordable to the couple and working term time is a great job. The OP says she is senior and teaches so likely just at the top of the teaching scale but even if a teaching head hours will be inside what childcare provides. It doesn't sound like much caring is done for the parents at present and who knows what they will need in future but adult children don't need to quit work to do that, nobody would have any earnings if that were the case.

You sound determined to work part-time at all costs, which will ultimately be born by you, as it's pretty nigh on financial suicide given your age and circumstance.

Since how he wants the finances managed, is clearly a deal breaker for you, and it would be for me too, I think you need to tell him this. He needs to know just how important this is to you.

She describes him as her DP ,they live together and have mutually agreed to having a child - hardly just BF/GF.

No crime in having a job/hobby - he will spend the vast majority of his time doing both - rock climbing is hardly an hour here and there .
More likely weekends travelling and climbing.( so she looks after the baby during the week and weekends)

I do agree that she shouldn't go PT- very risky in the circumstances.

Am also confused why a senior teacher would only get £500 a month mat pay.

Of course people can have jobs, hobbies and new babies - but realistically, not all three simultaneously, unless the job/hobby are undemanding or there is lots of paid-for help. I also don't think it's a great idea to leave negotiation over finances and who does what re work for after a baby arrives. You're not in a great position to negotiate then.

The mat pay thing confused me too. One of the good points of teaching is usually a better package than the SMP, unless you've been in a job for a short time.