Separate finances

[Layla001]

My DP and I have been together 2 years. We are currently expecting our first child together. When we met he was separated from his now ex wife. He moved into my house after about 3 months together. I did not ask him to pay an equal share of things at the time as he was between jobs, earned much less than me at the time and was finding his feet. Hence he mainly contributed by paying for some food and at other times the odd contribution. This was the case for around 9 months. He then secured a better paid job, we were then earning around the same so we split all household costs 50/50.

After we had been together around 16 months we bought a house together. He paid the deposit from his divorce settlement which we have agreed he gets back in full should be ever split. Outside of the deposit we pay a fixed amount into a joint account each month to cover basic household costs such as mortgage, bills etc. We both pay exactly the same amount each month.

However he now has a permanent and much higher paid job - so for the last 8 months he has earned almost double what I earn. I still pay 50% of everything despite the fact he now earns a significant amount more. I also pay 50% of large purchases such as sofas, dining tables etc.

I am by far the most sensible with money - he has admitted this too. I save a fixed amount every month into savings for emergencies. I don't spend a lot on myself and I go without that month if I have run out of money. He spends more freely than I do - on his hobbies etc. There have been times when he has said things about money that make me cross and feel demeaned. Hard to explain but in a nutshell it is as though if he feels he has made larger contribution to anything he resents me. When I am frugal, spend little on myself, contribute proportionally a lot more than he does. Now and in the beginning of our relationship when he had virtually no money.

We are now expecting a baby together - he did mention we should pool money and everything be joint once we have a family together, which I agree with. Also I will take a huge drop in income to look after baby (and be main carer as he works away mon-fri) and feel very vulnerable and exposed financially. I suggested that we now have both our salaries deposited into our joint account. Everything is shared. We then each have a fixed amount each month go from the joint account to our individual accounts so that we both have some security. And we also should have a fixed amount go into our joint savings account. The rest stays in our joint current account for both of us.

He looked annoyed when I suggested this. He wants to keep control of his money and be in control of transferring some into our joint account each week (he is paid weekly). I feel demeaned and resentful already and horrified. I feel that he will try to hide things, and that our relationship will be based on him having access to what I see as our joint salary/income as a family. On maternity I will get £500 per month. He gets £4000 per month after tax every month. I want everything open and shared and I am already starting to feel alone and isolated and quite resentful. Especially as I am the sensible one with money. I may as well be a single mother and continue my life alone as I did for 38 years before I met him if he intends to keep money for himself and hide what he spends.

I am already facing a huge life change - it us really hard to be dependent on someone since I have always had to look after myself financially and have had to work really hard in my job to get where I am today - all if this I will have to sacrifice to have our baby. He will in contrast continue now to earn a substantial amount compared to me over the next 5-10 years and I am scared I will feel separate too him and alone.

And I know this sounds over the top - but he is a climber. He's had a horrific accident in the past. Nearly died. Our life insurance bill per month is huge because of his hobby. If he does ever have another fall and ends up in a coma with his legs in frames for several months what happens to us as his family. I won't be able to provide or access things. And don't even talk to me about his recent new interest in mountain biking :-( I would not change him for the world - he is exciting, reliable, kind, funny, intelligent. But he is also a danger to himself lol

I can see why there is a lot of emotion in this situation from both sides, given your previous histories. But (as you know) you need to get something sorted asap as your maternity leave is coming up. I can completely appreciate what you say about the admin hassle of having separate finances and having a partner who works away in a remote place all week is just the icing on the cake -- I would be worried about what I'd do if something went wrong with the finances and he wasn't contactable. All I can think is that the two of you should sit down with an independent third party (counsellor? IFA?) and thrash it out. However, if he's not willing to do anything to facilitate your life in terms of being there practically or being helpful about finances, I don't see what you get out of this. I can see what he gets out of it - must be handy to have a caring partner willing to visit your mum when you can't!

Your latest post makes him sound like a teenager, to be honest - dangerous hobbies, won't share costs but expects you to pick up his bills when he's not working?

And I know this sounds over the top - but he is a climber. He's had a horrific accident in the past. Nearly died. Our life insurance bill per month is huge because of his hobby. If he does ever have another fall and ends up in a coma with his legs in frames for several months what happens to us as his family. I won't be able to provide or access things. And don't even talk to me about his recent new interest in mountain biking :-( I would not change him for the world - he is exciting, reliable, kind, funny, intelligent. But he is also a danger to himself lol.

If I stopped him climbing it would be like cutting the very life out of him. It is not what he does - it is who he is. I would never want him to stop climbing - he never goes spending money down the pub, he doesn't go on wild nights out with lads, he looks after me so much. He'll wait on me hand and foot - cooks breakfast in bed for me every weekend, he's kept me going through this pregnancy whilst I had morning sickness for 30 weeks, several hospital visits and I've literally had to rely on him to do everything for me when he is home. And I mean everything. He's really well natured and he'll listen to me for hours if I need to cry/sob/yell. When he is not at work I am his number one priority. If he wants to go climbing for an hour at the weekend I am not going to stop him. He's so thoughtful - goes out of his way to make things as easy as he can for me. I also like how he climbs and wants to lead a healthy lifestyle. He'll be an amazing father and influence on our child in that way. Rather he took little toddler climbing and taught our child about nature and the outdoors than other things. I can see your point that he has dangerous hobbies - fact is yes he does. Some may find that selfish. And I guess it is. But he would literally die inside if climbing was taken from him. It's his one constant.

He's also one of those people who will drop everything for you. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to mention I fancy cake because he has in the last got out of bed at 10pm and baked me home made Victoria sponge. And he's always like that. It's how he is. Sometimes when I look at him my heart hurts a little because he is so good in ways these days I feel a lot of people are not. Don't get me wrong - he has his faults like we all do. Can be messy and can have a temper. But he is always quick to say sorry and he always approachable in my mind. Um... Except maybe on this issue of joint account lol!

And actually talking about stopping climbing being like cutting the life out of him. In a way that us how I feel about teaching children. It is who I am - it is where I am safe. I'm good at it and I have a really special knack with children. So another reason I feel currently at sea is my one constant in life is about to disappear. My class will be no longer. And although teaching is becoming stressful to the point if collapse I will always love working with children. So giving up my one constant, which kept me going in times my life was upside down, is a huge change for me. Couple with loss of financial independence.

And he'd argue against climbing being dangerous :-) His accident was apparently a one in a million chance of happening. His job involves being in a harness too. He's trained to a high level in terms of safety. More roofers die walking across houses unattached than climbers ever do. But that is another discussion. It is only dangerous given the height aspect. A lot of his climbing training is not done at height.

Okay...so he likes big dramatic gestures but finds humdrum stuff less appealing? Parenthood is going to be interesting then. Also, what you say about his thoughtfulness doesn't tally up with the fact that you are staying up all night worrying about finances. It's not very thoughtful to let your DP worry about something you could sort. I posted on this thread because some of the things you said, pursuing bad things that might happen to their possible conclusion, reminded me of the 'catastrophising' I used to do when I had stressful personal things going on a few years back. It sounds like you are probably a teacher - you may be able to access counselling through occ. health? Maybe it would help to talk these worries over in real life.

It's not big dramatic gestures. He does not make a fuss just gets on with things. It is no big deal to him to bake a cake late at night. He does not know yet I was awake all last night because he is on an oil refinery. I'll probably talk face to face at the weekend and see if he has organised anything on the account first. We talked about it last week - I made my feelings clear. We talked about it quite a lot. I tried to examine how I felt. He said he felt uncomfortable me knowing what he spends. But he did not refuse what I was asking. This week I will organise my salary into joint account every month and see if he does the same with his. Then will talk again if this does not happen. If he wants to keep control and keep his salary 'for him' then I will have no choice but to got back to work full time next year and there will be large consequences because of that. One being a £900 per month childcare bill and no family life at all. If he wants money more than that that will be his choice -not mine.

I think you are over exaggerating re "no family life". Most of the teachers at our school have children and manage with childcare. Those who need to get to nursery do an earlier parents evening and just split over two days. Whilst you may work some of the holidays you'll still end up with more time off than most parents get. Lots of CMs will do term time only contracts.

Spitting your dummy out as he won't hand over his salary to you is very wrong and childish.

At the end of the day you chose to have a child. Your choices aren't any different than a mans. You can share maternity leave nowadays and both men and women use childcare to work.

He does sound like one of those "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" types. He's happy to sponge off you when he has nothing but to when he has something doesn't want to share it fairly.

I changed my mind. I can't get hold of him as he is currently on a climbing wall. Well not for a long conversation in the middle of the indoor wall is what I am saying. So I sent this.
I have also decided that if I am forced to go back full time next year because I can't expose myself to the risk of everything being in his control then I will also start implementing a % contribution. Which is just not me - I'm not tight remotely. Like I said I currently pay half of everything and yet earn a lot less than he does. I'll simply change my contributions from 'my' account. If that us what he wants. And family life will be awful. I can't remotely see me coping with the pressure of my senior position at work and being alone at night and organizing everything at home too. But I have no other path I can take. Perhaps that will satisfy those on this thread who appear to think it is a simple decision. Here are my words to him:

I know you are climbing so sorry for this. But we need to talk about the money thing. I am feeling very vulnerable and exposed. My only constant has been teaching and soon that will go. My other constant has been financial independence. And soon that will go. I'm really scared that I will have to rely on you financially. I am scared that if things do not work out I will have no skills or income to support baby and myself. I feel a bit alone. You not wanting me to have full transparency worries me. Like you want to hide things from me. Know this is not true - just feels that way. It makes me feel that if you are in control of access to our income once the baby is here that I am really on my own. You will be able to keep your career and thus future earning prospects - mine could be damaged for years and or be nil. I absolutely hate the current set up of constantly paying each other back for things. I thought we would be one. A team. A unit. I called HR today to organise my salary going direct into joint account from next month. If you do not want this I need to consider going back to work full time next year. Not because we could not manage on my salary part time but because I would be a fool to expose myself to the possibility of bring up s**t creek. I can't do that because of the baby and future security. I need all in, or all out. And I need you to trust me. I just needed that off my chest. I love you. X

Happy mummy - I am not even going to waste my breath. When you have taught for 15 years, at my level, with my roles in education - come back to me on it.

Sounds good to me.

You could add that he should trust you the way you trust him. If he is expecting you to trust him to do the right thing for you and the child, then he should trust you too.

I think it's a good idea to then take the same spending money for each of you to separate accounts, if you both want freedom to spend without the fear of being checked on. But you should have equal spending money if you are a family, and you should both be able to save equally too.

I know that being a full time worker and mum without a husband there most of the time is hard.
I work full time and a single mum. I used to have exH at home and now can count on support from family.
If you have to work FT will be very hard, yes. But the consequences long term for you not to could be worse.
Would you be able to take a long maternity leave anyway? Up to 1 year? Or would you have to start from September?

Can you just imagine that text the other way round? A man texting his girlfriend saying unless you hand over access to all your money so I can quit my job I'll do x, y and z.

He has the right to a say too, you don't get to call the shots just because you are female.

And I am not spitting out my dummy (offensive comment). I want security for my baby. If you don't care about security for your children then that is your choice. How dare you assume I 'want' his salary. He can't take more than 2 weeks paternity. I'm currently 'on holiday' from teaching. Except I am not. Want to know why? Because I collapsed at school from the pressure and sheer workload coupled with a very difficult pregnancy. The doctors have signed me off for 3 weeks until my maternity leave kicks in. But guess what? Eventhough I keep fainting, can't drive and can barely strand upright, and eventhough I am signed off very ill I am here writing children's reports. 30 of them. Multiplied by 2 hours per report. I also have 150 test papers to mark. It will take me the entire holiday period. There is no one else to do them -I could legally refuse as I am beyond ill right now with serious heart problems due to the pregnancy. Do not tell me how teaching is, or how it effects family life. And do not tell me about wanting 'his' money. If you are a 'happy' mummy you are very very lucky.

That sounds completely fair op. You are not students in a bloody shared house you are about to be parents together. He says he doesn't want you to know where he spends his money but isn't that exactly what he's expecting of you?
So one Monday morning your buggy breaks- do you wait for him to buy another? Do you budget for a replacement that you can afford half of? Disturb him at work to arrange a transfer? I really don't understand what his problem is?????

Happy mummy - I did not ask him to hand over his money. I am communicating the fact that I can't live securely on £400 per month and that I need to go back to work if that is the case. You clearly like to not share, which must be a lovely concept for your children. If you earn money, and I don't care how much or how little, and see it as all yours regardless of the individual situation of the members of your family then that is up to you. Protecting my unborn child is not childish. It is called being a good parent.

Happy, that's the type of attitude that leaves women at the mercy of how much their OHs want to give them financially. Not a good idea.

If a man wants his partner to give up her career instead of him giving up on his, then she needs to be secure. End of. The same applies for SAHDs.

Happy mummy - and by the way he currently has access to all my money. He benefits from my death in service grant, my maternity package, my pension and my sensible attitude to money. In fact I organised my death in service grant to go to him - to protect him if I die. To ensure he is ok financially.
And to ensure our baby is ok. If he is ok - our baby is. He in the other hand has not saved a penny in his life. He is very honest about this. And quitting my job is not going to happen. Reduced hours maybe. Stop saying I am quitting my job - I am not.

Happy mummy - quite correct he has rights. He has a right to keep everything to himself. At which point I will put my baby first and think about protecting us. He gets to call the shots because he is not currently lying in bed ill with a large bump inside him feeling very ill. He gets to call the shots simply due to the fact he can't biologically give birth. I don't resent him. I love him. But he will never have to make the decisions I am about to make.

You have jumped to a lot of conclusions. We do share as we are married. Difference being neither of us demanded access to each other's salary nor made the lone decision with regards to quitting work or going part time.

It's fine to have separate or shared finances as long as both are happy. He's not so you need to find a way to compromise not demand. Does he not have the right to a say?

Leweji - thank you. Quite right. SAHDs are not different. In fact my partner and I considered this - I would not remotely think twice about ensuring he had access to all income if this was the case. It would not even cross my mind to put him through the stress of asking me for money. We decided that it was better for us as a family if he went to work full time and hopefully me part time after baby is here because he earns so much more. And because teaching is becoming very cut throat with experienced teachers almost being pushed out. It feels very insecure in schools right now. It was a joint decision based on joint views. I just never thought he would suggest that he actually controls most of the income - that shocked me.