Separate finances

[Layla001]

My DP and I have been together 2 years. We are currently expecting our first child together. When we met he was separated from his now ex wife. He moved into my house after about 3 months together. I did not ask him to pay an equal share of things at the time as he was between jobs, earned much less than me at the time and was finding his feet. Hence he mainly contributed by paying for some food and at other times the odd contribution. This was the case for around 9 months. He then secured a better paid job, we were then earning around the same so we split all household costs 50/50.

After we had been together around 16 months we bought a house together. He paid the deposit from his divorce settlement which we have agreed he gets back in full should be ever split. Outside of the deposit we pay a fixed amount into a joint account each month to cover basic household costs such as mortgage, bills etc. We both pay exactly the same amount each month.

However he now has a permanent and much higher paid job - so for the last 8 months he has earned almost double what I earn. I still pay 50% of everything despite the fact he now earns a significant amount more. I also pay 50% of large purchases such as sofas, dining tables etc.

I am by far the most sensible with money - he has admitted this too. I save a fixed amount every month into savings for emergencies. I don't spend a lot on myself and I go without that month if I have run out of money. He spends more freely than I do - on his hobbies etc. There have been times when he has said things about money that make me cross and feel demeaned. Hard to explain but in a nutshell it is as though if he feels he has made larger contribution to anything he resents me. When I am frugal, spend little on myself, contribute proportionally a lot more than he does. Now and in the beginning of our relationship when he had virtually no money.

We are now expecting a baby together - he did mention we should pool money and everything be joint once we have a family together, which I agree with. Also I will take a huge drop in income to look after baby (and be main carer as he works away mon-fri) and feel very vulnerable and exposed financially. I suggested that we now have both our salaries deposited into our joint account. Everything is shared. We then each have a fixed amount each month go from the joint account to our individual accounts so that we both have some security. And we also should have a fixed amount go into our joint savings account. The rest stays in our joint current account for both of us.

He looked annoyed when I suggested this. He wants to keep control of his money and be in control of transferring some into our joint account each week (he is paid weekly). I feel demeaned and resentful already and horrified. I feel that he will try to hide things, and that our relationship will be based on him having access to what I see as our joint salary/income as a family. On maternity I will get £500 per month. He gets £4000 per month after tax every month. I want everything open and shared and I am already starting to feel alone and isolated and quite resentful. Especially as I am the sensible one with money. I may as well be a single mother and continue my life alone as I did for 38 years before I met him if he intends to keep money for himself and hide what he spends.

I am already facing a huge life change - it us really hard to be dependent on someone since I have always had to look after myself financially and have had to work really hard in my job to get where I am today - all if this I will have to sacrifice to have our baby. He will in contrast continue now to earn a substantial amount compared to me over the next 5-10 years and I am scared I will feel separate too him and alone.

Unfortunately it's not that uncommon. :(

I was the working parent because I worked more, but we had initially two separate accounts, that were not a secret to each other, and then two joint accounts. We never did tit for tat regarding money, and we both had more or less the same in savings.
I wonder if he would have been that "generous" if he had been the main earner.

Happy, being married does offer more protection financially for the parent at home.

Many non-married SAHMs find out how precarious their position is the hard way, sadly.

Ups, sorry:
"I was the working parent because I earned more," :)

Lweji, married mums have more protection in the event of a split with regards to assets but spousal support is rare unless a very high earner.

It's madness for any woman, married or not, to rely on another adult to support them. Nobody knows what's round the corner.

I have not made a line decision. WE decided together than it wound be best if I could go part time. He wanted that. He still wants that. It makes sense for our whole family. I am not demanding - I am explaining my worries. If you share everything, and you are married then I envy you. Lucky you having the security. I'm not married. And both men before my partner who I lived with, left me homeless. Ever seen your life be packed up and another woman move into your house? Try that for sobering reality. Unfortunately life does not deal everyone an equal share of luck. My own parents nearly had their own breakdown trying to help me - I cabMt put them through it again. They are too old and frail. I have no option but to communicate honestly my worries to my partner. If he agrees - this is what will happen anyway. He'll continue to happily spend on random man stuff and I will continue to think 'um no I won't buy that for myself, I'll save it for our family." He won't suffer remotely. I would hope as a man if the roles were reversed he would also want to know what we have, what things cost, what savings we have, if we can afford a holiday etc. my partner is so laid back with money he would not know his credit card balance right now. And he would tell you that himself. Someone needs to try and think ahead a little for our family. Like if baby needs money for an operation, or god knows what. He's not organised in that way. He openly admits it.

We really shouldn't rely on another adult, true. But sometimes it makes financial sense to stay at home. Just as long as the person staying at home doesn't get completely screwed up.
That is why I advised Layla to go to work if she doesn't feel that she is secure enough. His attitude would worry me too, and I wouldn't easily drop my job because of it.

With my exH, he became a SAHP due to circumstances, as he was diagnosed with social anxiety at about the same time when DS was born, and stopped working because of physical pain. I had planned for childcare for the baby.

But sometimes adults do rely on each other and it works well.
When our first baby was born both OH and I felt strongly that I should stay at home and look after our babies.
It's they way I was brought up and felt it had great value, and perhaps because his own mother died when he was a baby he felt that he wanted his children to experience having a mother very close in the early years.

I depended on him financially for the first few years while he climbed the career ladder.
As it happened withi a few short years a small business that i strted cultivating while at home took off and withing three or four years would have called myself financially dependant again.

But what is so wrong with being dependant- at least for a while? I believed in the relationship I had with my OH, I trusted him and we worked as a team, a family.
My Oh working allowed me to be free of having to earn while I was able to put all my focus and energies into our children.
He respected me for that- he was having his children the way that he and I wanted.

Layla you are a martyr. with school, with your partner. you need to think about why you behave like this.

otherwise it will just continue. of course you might not want to change the situation.

I would be getting married. I know you aren't keen but at least you are protected should he decide not to do the decent thing. Registry office, meal after if you want. Doesn't have to be fancy and take years to plan.

Here's an example - when we had viewers for the house they asked how much the gas and electric was. It goes from our joint account. It is £82 per month. His jaw dropped when I happily told them. "how do you know that?!" He exclaimed. He has access to the joint account and does not even know basic amounts they go out. I do. When we moved house I asked one day to sit down to add up all our moving costs (split equally). We had countless receipts etc as we also renovated parts. He could not concentrate on the small task at hand and kept wandering off in his head. When I explained that I would feel much better if we could work out exactly how much we needed to move house this is what he did - he looked up at the tv at said " Aaawww look at a those baby badgers." We still
Laugh about it now. I could have killed him at the time.

layla- I don't think you are a martyr at all. I think you are frustrated because you have a man who is not shouldering his responsibilities as well as he should.

Is there no way to find a compromise where you have a joint account and he can have his own account and maintain the privacy he craves and you also have another account?. My DH have always done this, we both really enjoy having our own account and not having to justify what we are spending on.

Whatever you agree on, you should be able to save up or spend as much money as he does.
And you should be able to control finances in a way that you don't have to ask him for stuff for the house, your baby, even yourself.
Imagine needing the boiler fixed and having to ask him at the refinery to transfer money because there's hardly any in the joint account from the set amount he gave you.
Him keeping money for himself should be a bonus, as keeping for you as well, if the family finances allow it. Not the other way around.

He just called me - he read my message. He says he is really sorry for being reluctant about approaching even thing jointly. He did not realise how insecure I felt and he loves me and the baby. He is not remotely worried about me spending just has never had anyone know what he spends day to day so needed time to get his head around it. He felt uncomfortable because it is like relinquishing control and being part of a family instead of just himself. He also said that he knows exactly how I feel because when his ex wife earned a lot more than him he always felt guilty and dreadful and indebted and he would not wish that on me at all. I explained that I did not expect him to bring in a high amount of money for us, if his job ever gets too much he can change it and we can cope on a lot less. I explained I never want him to think he always has to be the one to bring in the money. We then talked about his climbing - I indulge him because he is so animated when he has had a good climb and I like to hear his happy voice when he has enjoyed himself. He then went to buy food and said he'll see me and bump tomorrow and is looking forward to our new sofa coming. All shared from tomorrow. I'll tell you what will happen next - he'll see my salary go in next week which is still at its full amount and will be like 'ooooooooooo' and probably go and buy a new climbing wall and hide it in the garden shed. At which point I'll probably regret this entire thread. Thank you all for being so supportive, listening and making me think about all angles. Thank you for challenging me and staying with me on this one. Now we have to next negotiate the tricky waters of getting him to marry me. Joking! I am just happy to be able to talk to him openly. Which has always been a strength. I just needed outside views before I went any further. Thank you again from the bottom of my palpitating pregnant heart. X

YouAreMyFavourie - I am a martyr? With school? I need to think about why I behave like this? Ha ha that is really funny. The paramedics at my house might be able to explain why I collapsed to you. Call them on 999 and ask them. I am marking papers and doing reports because I love the children in my class dearly and I taught them for 3 years straight. I want them to have their final report from me. It is because I am dedicated to my profession. If you want to hear that it has been easy and not mention being in A&E Friday night I don't really care. It was to illustrate that I less you have walked in someone's shoes in any profession you are not educated enough to comment.

Itsfab - I am not totally opposed to marriage. Just have enough going on now and won't hurt to have been together a little longer before making that kind of decision. I would not care for a big wedding. I am the kind of person who likes no fuss. I'd happily marry in a register office and have about 10 people only. It's not about a big day to me. More what it signifies. :-)

It sounds at least promising.
But as has been pointed out, he doesn't have to relinquish privacy over his day to day spending.
He can take a set amount for himself for his personal expenditure, in his private account, as you can have yours. While still sharing the main finances and both having shared responsibility over them. Or, at the very least, agree on a more proportional share of the expenses.

Having children does mean attitude towards finances has to change somewhat, because we stop having my and yours and have at least someone else that means ours.

Cor this went a bit bonkers

Suzietwo - lol. X

Layla I read this too and thought martyr a little bit to be honest.

You're worried about the split of money.

You're at pains to point out that you put in 50/50 and wouldn't dare take his deposit in a split, but you're clearly worried he might not treat your with the same respect
You 'have no choice' and have been quite rude to others who have pointed out that many mothers work full time, despite the fact that by your own admission you take in £6000k per month net between you. (You do realise that puts you fairly far up the income spectrum as a family compared to many others in terms of 'choice'?)

You clearly have had a shit time in pregnancy with health and are under a lot of pressure. I do wonder from some of your posts if you are putting yourself under more, particularly working while very ill. Much as most of us don't like to hear it the school / office / whatever generally won't go to pieces because we aren't there for a period of time - your health is surely too important to risk.

It sounds like your DP is listening and that's a good sign

FWIW while I can enjoy a couple hundred quid a month extra for the first month on getting a new job or promotion, I wouldn't feel we were living as a family if I had vastly more to spend on myself than DP.

I too read this thread with a growing sense of your martyrdom. Esp the bit where you supported him totally for the first 9 months of your relationship (WHY??!) but won't even up the ledger now he's earning more than you (WHY??!). You won't get married but are bearing his child, you're going to quit your job (or take it so part time you lose career progression and financial independence) because you have made a joint decision that your DPs career is better despite the fact he has been in his job for 5 'minutes and ia completely family unfriendly (what kind of relationship is your dp going to have with this child if he's fifoing). Plus you don't even need to make a decision until you finish up your mat leave!

You keep saying that you have no choices. I think you need to acknowledge that you have and have had plenty of choices, you just choose not to exercise them.

(I also agree that a man who will jump out of bed to bake a cake at 10pm but won't proactively deal with family finances isn't as thoughtful as you might think.)

Personally in your situation I would (a) get married (b) keep your job and (c) start making sure your partner pulls his weight in terms of looking after finances. He is an adult, not a child. And the fact he's a "spender" doesn't excuse him from basic fiscal responsibility.

Having said all that, tough love over. I'm sorry you've been having health probs and I hope the birth & following life is wonderful for you x

Ps you won't marry because you haven't been together for long enough & you want to wait before making "that kind of decision" but you will have a child with him? Sorry but I don't understand that at all - you do realise you are now ties to him in a far deeper and long term way than marriage?

I'm glad he's listening now, and hope he makes good on what he has said. I hope your pg improves, and that the birth is easier than the pg has been. I hope you recover fully and quickly and that your baby is a delight to you both and that this all beings you closer together. In short, I wish you a happy ever after

Please don't do yourself serious harm from working while you're very ill. You need strength for childbirth, and you need to be well rested.

Angel tulips:

"I too read this thread with a growing sense of your martyrdom. Esp the bit where you supported him totally for the first 9 months of your relationship (WHY??!)"

I did not say I supported him totally. I said he paid for food and other things. It was not a case of supporting him or not, he was freelance and getting very little work. The industry slowed down. I was not going to kick him out because he had no work. He is my partner and I love him so of course I would support him. Like he would I.

" but won't even up the ledger now he's earning more than you (WHY??!)."

He does up the ledger. And he just agreed to everything being pooled.

" You won't get married but are bearing his child,"

I have never been someone who is overly bothered about marriage. I did not say I won't marry him.

" you're going to quit your job (or take it so part time you lose career progression and financial independence) because you have made a joint decision that your DPs career is better despite the fact he has been in his job for 5 'minutes"

Yes we made a joint decision that we would like our child to have one if us around more. Not sure why his job being relatively new is relevant? We want to have more time for our baby. I think this is a good thing to try to ensure we are there to support our child more than a higher amount of money per month.

"and ia completely family unfriendly (what kind of relationship is your dp going to have with this child if he's fifoing). Plus you don't even need to make a decision until you finish up your mat leave!"

I would obviously like him to be around more. Him not seeing the baby much during the week does break my heart but many people have to work away so that is that. I hope he will have a loving relationship with our child.

Buggersmuddle:

"You're worried about the split of money."

I am planning practically to provide for our baby for the future.

"You're at pains to point out that you put in 50/50 and wouldn't dare take his deposit in a split, but you're clearly worried he might not treat your with the same respect "

I simply stated the background to finance to set the stage for the thread. I was not feeling pains when doing this. I would dare - I just personally believe that anything made before you meet someone they should retain. I was worried about a big change in my life coming up at working to support mainly myself for so long - I was worried about handing over control of finances to another person since I have never done it yes.

"You 'have no choice' and have been quite rude to others who have pointed out that many mothers work full time, "

Ok maybe I should have said - difficult choices. I do find it difficult making the choices we are making at the moment. Having a baby at 38, when I have worked full time since aged 20 is a big change for me. Other mothers working full time and talking to them is what makes me nervous - most with young children who work full time tell me it is very hard so of course I am nervous.

"despite the fact that by your own admission you take in £6000k per month net between you. (You do realise that puts you fairly far up the income spectrum as a family compared to many others in terms of 'choice'?)"

This sounds like jealousy to me. My partner and I have worked very hard over 18 years to get to where we are. I wanted children earlier but never met the right person. I would have liked a large family and to have been younger. My life did not turn out that way. Neither did his. Hence we earn good wages because we never took time out from our careers. I do realise this puts up high up the spectrum - but we have worked really really hard. Whilst for years I watched others meet partners etc and have lovely families when I was earning very little and on my own. I never said I was unhappy with our income - just the split if money and my potential difficulties if I go part time and we split.