Separate finances

[Layla001]

My DP and I have been together 2 years. We are currently expecting our first child together. When we met he was separated from his now ex wife. He moved into my house after about 3 months together. I did not ask him to pay an equal share of things at the time as he was between jobs, earned much less than me at the time and was finding his feet. Hence he mainly contributed by paying for some food and at other times the odd contribution. This was the case for around 9 months. He then secured a better paid job, we were then earning around the same so we split all household costs 50/50.

After we had been together around 16 months we bought a house together. He paid the deposit from his divorce settlement which we have agreed he gets back in full should be ever split. Outside of the deposit we pay a fixed amount into a joint account each month to cover basic household costs such as mortgage, bills etc. We both pay exactly the same amount each month.

However he now has a permanent and much higher paid job - so for the last 8 months he has earned almost double what I earn. I still pay 50% of everything despite the fact he now earns a significant amount more. I also pay 50% of large purchases such as sofas, dining tables etc.

I am by far the most sensible with money - he has admitted this too. I save a fixed amount every month into savings for emergencies. I don't spend a lot on myself and I go without that month if I have run out of money. He spends more freely than I do - on his hobbies etc. There have been times when he has said things about money that make me cross and feel demeaned. Hard to explain but in a nutshell it is as though if he feels he has made larger contribution to anything he resents me. When I am frugal, spend little on myself, contribute proportionally a lot more than he does. Now and in the beginning of our relationship when he had virtually no money.

We are now expecting a baby together - he did mention we should pool money and everything be joint once we have a family together, which I agree with. Also I will take a huge drop in income to look after baby (and be main carer as he works away mon-fri) and feel very vulnerable and exposed financially. I suggested that we now have both our salaries deposited into our joint account. Everything is shared. We then each have a fixed amount each month go from the joint account to our individual accounts so that we both have some security. And we also should have a fixed amount go into our joint savings account. The rest stays in our joint current account for both of us.

He looked annoyed when I suggested this. He wants to keep control of his money and be in control of transferring some into our joint account each week (he is paid weekly). I feel demeaned and resentful already and horrified. I feel that he will try to hide things, and that our relationship will be based on him having access to what I see as our joint salary/income as a family. On maternity I will get £500 per month. He gets £4000 per month after tax every month. I want everything open and shared and I am already starting to feel alone and isolated and quite resentful. Especially as I am the sensible one with money. I may as well be a single mother and continue my life alone as I did for 38 years before I met him if he intends to keep money for himself and hide what he spends.

I am already facing a huge life change - it us really hard to be dependent on someone since I have always had to look after myself financially and have had to work really hard in my job to get where I am today - all if this I will have to sacrifice to have our baby. He will in contrast continue now to earn a substantial amount compared to me over the next 5-10 years and I am scared I will feel separate too him and alone.

Maybe you need to submit him some invoices for his childcare costs, the domestic support, night nannying etc.

Happymummy - it may be sheer madness to you to give up my job but my partner works away all week hours away. We have 3 aging parents between us and no siblings to help. My job full time would make the average person crack within a day and I am highly organised and a grafter. I've worked in factories doing night shifts for 12 hours for pittance when I was young and let me tell you this - my current job, with a baby, on my own all week, with the responsibility of elderly parents would virtually crack me. Never mind when the child is ill (and he is away) or the child needs collecting from somewhere (and he is away) or his mother has a knee operation and might need me to go see her (whilst he is away). Working full time would be great if I could do it. But it will kill me mentally, and my only child who I have waited 38 years for would neither see me or it's father. It is not about me being insane and throwing my job away. Some people don't have the choice.

Layla can you suggest to him, as a thought experiment (i.e. I don't think this is really a good way to manage your finances but it might help illuminate things for him to think about this) that the money goes first into his account, that it then goes into your account and you then transfer it into the joint account. Ask him how he would feel about that. And then may be ask how he would feel if all the money went into your account, then his account and then the joint account.

Also, f you haven't already, you need to be really clear that the only way he can have a child and his current job is becasue you are making yourself financially vulnerable. It wouldn't go amiss to properly work out exactly how much you are transfering from you to him over the course of your lives with the proposed situation in terms of earning potential. I have heard so many (almost always men) make jokes about how I am living off my husband as a SAHM and it makes me boil with rage. My husband would be absolutely fucked if I went to work and made him do half the childcare. He knows this and we have arrangement we're both satisfied with but I think very, very few men actually realise how much they get materially out of the tradtional arrangement of mother as primary carer.

"Whilst I raise his child"

So the child is not yours too? Looking after a child is just what parents do. One doesn't do it for the other

Your career doesn't have to go down the drain, there are thousands of mothers who work and use childcare. It only goes down the drain if you choose not to work and then it's a known when you make that decision. Given you are not married and can't guarantee the future, it's a very risky decision. How would you support yourself on two days work if it all goes pear shaped?

I'm not saying he shouldn't help with bills, of course he should, but from the point of a short term relationship you cant dictate what he can and can't do with his earnings. You both should shoulder the financial burden and agree like adults not demand you want x, y and z. It's supposed to be a partnership. He needs to be totally happy to be the main earner and for you to cut your hours, it's not your decision alone to impose on him. It doesn't sound like he has had a say in that choice but been told to hand his money over so you can do x, y and z. Maybe he'd like to change his hours or jobs to spend time with his child? Would you let him go down to two days and you work full time? Doesn't sound like it.

"Maybe you need to submit him some invoices for his childcare costs, the domestic support, night nannying etc."

What, for caring for her own child and all adults living in their own home would be doing chores and cooking anyway.

happymummy
"He currently earns 4000 per month and will continue to do so for years to come. Whilst I raise his child. Mainly singlehanded lay whilst he is away 5 days and nights."

He is only able to work away 5 nights a week and earn what he does because the OP is carrying the can.

Happy mummy - and those thousands who use full time childcare barely see their children. You know how I know? Because I have worked with children for over 15 years. They are the children who I end up consoling because a parent can't make it to parents evening because both work, who are left in the school hall at 6pm waiting and waiting for a parent to turn up. I admire those parents who have to sacrifice time with their child but if two parents earn enough between them to not have a child grow up in that way they should try to find a compromise. My partner works away all week long- I don't demand anything from him at all. A relationship is not devalued just because we have been together just 2 years. It does not mean anything at all. He desperately wanted a child, age was not on our side, so we went for it. And as he is away all week, as you rightly pointed out, both parents should raise the child. So I'll get him to drive home mid week to help with homework should I?

I once asked my class if they could have anything in the world what would they have more of? Many answered "more time with my mum and dad." I'm not acting stupid by possibly going part time. I am trying to find a way which means we get family time together, I can still contribute financially in some way, he does not have to worry about anything at home whilst he is away, and there is someone here to help his mum or my parents if they need me. His mum is currently in bad health and is constantly calling him at work because he is an only child and he is all she has. Equally if I don't find the time to drive a good way to are her and so that she can see grandchild she'll never see the baby. He can't do anything because he's not even here. And when he does get home on a Friday night it is 7pm and he's exhausted and he leaves the house Monday at 4am. My mother was this weekend diagnosed with Parkinson's and she does not drive. There comes a time in life when you have to take a risk and help each other as a unit.

He can't work part time - he works at an oil refinery and may soon be working offshore. I could be granted the possibility of part time (not guaranteed). He worked freelance when we met - for 3 months he only managed to get one day a week work. He went climbing and did nice things for me around the house. I did not expect him to pay any of the £1000 per month fixed costs I had in my house then. He had no money. Where was he supposed to get his money from?

And we only moved house because when he was earning he did not want to pay towards a mortgage he did not have his name on. So eventhough I was quite happy where we lived then, I agreed to move and buy a house with him pretty soon on so that he did not feel that he was being taken advantage of financially. If it had been me I would have liked to have stayed in that house a couple more years - but I understood that he wanted to have some security by living in a house he co owned. So we bought a new house together. He's not remotely suffered or been put out financially for a single second. He's tell you that himself. And I don't want to buy x,y,z... I am not materialistic. Hence don't care about two unexessary day wages over seeing our child have at least one parent around to some degree during the week. He is the one who buys things every single week just for himself. Which I have no problem with at all. He's just more of a spender than I am. I am a saver because I come from nothing and saw my parents struggle. I want security for us - not my nails doing every week and a designer handbag.

They should both go PT, then, if he refuses to contribute a fair share.

Or pay child maintenance and more.

And it wasn't my choice to be the sole earner. We don't have a choice given all of the reasons mentioned above. He won't ever be the dole earner anyway - I will always work. Just not full time when baby is tiny and not in a very senior position like I do now. Currently I have meetings which run from 6pm until 9pm during the week. What do you suggest I do then? Hand baby to my ill mother or ill mother in law? Perhaps I'll post baby up to him at the refinery.

And those meetings follow an average working day of 7:30am until 5:30 pm.

Can you imagine exposing to a young child the following. The reason you never see either me or your father is because your father earns a lot of money which he controls himself and therefore I have to work full time too because people think I am insane otherwise. Eventhough we have easily enough money on one salary plus a part time one we have decided to put you into full time daycare and mummy will never make any sports days, or any plays, or be there when you are ill because daddy earns £4000 and mummy can't survive on £600. So eventhough daddy earns a lot, you don't get to see either of us at all really. Never mind! At least daddy will have a nice fat bank account."

There is no way you should both be contributing £600 to the joint account to live off if he earns that amount. If you are going to work part time you should both contribute in proportion to how much you earn.

Or only have one account where it all goes.

Ooooo and the school calls. They will be nice. "hi can you come and collect your child please, she has vomited all over the classroom." "I can't, I am a teacher and am currently looking after 30 of someone else's children." "oh what about the father?" "He's currently on an oil rig in the North Sea with one plane a fortnight going to it." "oh what about a grandparent or sister/brother?" "One grandparent can't walk at all and the other is an hour away and does not drive. The father is an only child and my sister lives 12,000 miles away.

I did not expect him to pay any of the £1000 per month fixed costs I had in my house then. He had no money. Where was he supposed to get his money from?

Quite. He was happy to basically be funded by you, but he now wants financial control over you.

I get what you're saying about wanting a joint account for your unborn child and the security of such, but I agree that this is very heart driven and may cause issues that cannot be resolved if it carries on.

I can understand your DP's reluctance to "bear all" considering the past, in the same way I understand your very real vulnerability of having a significant wage decrease on maternity.

You said in every other way he is loving; your anxiety may stem from the past, resulting in your needing more security. His anxiety about his past and the situation with his ex wife may be driving his reluctance to have it paid into the account, perhaps. Why wouldn't he transfer the money? When you were trying for a baby, had you discussed what you expected to happen financially or was a decision made, that he has now gone back on? For me, if I'd become pregnant without making decisions that are different to current ones regarding finances, I'd just expect mine and my OH's financial way of life to carry on.

I think you need to sit down honestly and go through your feelings with him. I think it is an emotional issue but don't think that makes it any less valid.
we have a different situation - I am the main breadwinner. My salary goes into my bank account and then a set amount is transferred into a joint account. certain bills (including the mortgage) come from my own account- others from the joint account. i also pay DP directly (eg not the joint account) a certain amount for his own spending . He also keeps whatever he earns himself. Neither of us has a problem with it. In theory I could get my employee to pay the salary direct to the joint account but no-one has ever raised it as a concern (the structures really a hangover from the days when we were both contributing proportionally to the joint account and joint bills - now its only joint in name).
I would say that even if he arranged to get the salary paid directly to the joint account it wouldn't give you any more protection- its still his salary and he could just stop it as easily as if it was going through a sole account.

I think it is difficult when you have a baby when you are a bit older to change your way of managing finances- i like being in control of my money - it would seem odd to me not to be- but then I am in the reverse position to you. TBH in your position I would want the legal protection of marriage

Yes we discussed it. He said himself and I agreed that it would make sense to pool everything when we have a family. It gets hard work practically and we are constantly making calls to each other about transferring random amounts for things too. Perfect example being that this week we are having a sofa delivered (by the way credit on this is in my name as he can't get this interest free because he has changed addresses too often in last 5 years). When the sofa is delivered apart from the part we are getting on interest free we are paying £500 of the balance off on delivery. As it is always me organizing everything to do with the home I then had to try to get hold of him ( phones banned on an oil refinery) because I needed to organise transferring funds to cover this (I paid £250 of course). It's a pain trying to organise home life when you are the one home alone all week but someone else is in control of the accounts. I mean at this point I could easily pay the full amount and he'd give me the difference back later but this is just becoming yet another annoying house admin task when it could be so much easier to do. Pah - I don't know. I'm just confused and sad now. I have no choice but to surrender my career and I have no choice but To lose my salary and I have no choice but I be on my own with the baby all week and now it seems I have no choice but to hope I don't get controlled financially. So when we discussed that fact we both wanted to start to pool our incomes I assumed it meant we would both have practical and physical control of them. Not him have all the access and me none. He did say he was more worried about me seeing what he spends. I said he has to trust me on that one.

And I aware he can simply stop his salary going into his joint account at any time - just like I can. Maybe if I am not happy in the end it will simply reduce the amount I pay to a proportional amount. My income will be 11% compared to his. But even if I reduced my contributions to this I still can't survive for a month on the rest can I. I wish I was born a man some days.

Into our joint account I meant to say

This sounds like my sister's life. She'd have more financial freedom and spend less time on childcare and housework if she split from my brother-in-law.

It's not the fact that you are a woman that is the problem OP.