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Original poster

Saying I love you. Does it matter?

31 replies

Bobbybaby · 28/05/2014 13:26

Me and my DP have been together for 2 years. We are really different people, I am loving, outgoing and irresponsible. He is quite a serious, quiet and very stubborn.

I say I love you to him because I feel it and it naturally just comes out of my mouth sometimes. But he doesnt say it back. He has never said it and I dont know if he ever will.
It doesnt really bother me because I think that he does but a friend of mine says its weird and she wouldnt put up with that. Does it matter to you? And if so how long do you think before someone should say that?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2014 13:29

Ask 100 people and you'll get 100 answers. It's an entirely personal thing. Are you trying to prove your friend wrong?

Aussiebean · 28/05/2014 13:30

I like it. Has he never ever said it? Even in the early days?

some men aren't good at it but their partners still feel loved. Does he show you he loves you? The way he acts towards you etc.

VanitasVanitatum · 28/05/2014 13:32

Have you asked him if he loves you? Not saying it all the time is fine but I would want to know if he feels that.

Original poster

Bobbybaby · 28/05/2014 13:38

I'm not trying to prove my friend wrong, it's Just that she was so shocked by this that it made me curious.
He has never said the L word, but has said I am the most important person in his life. Actually a thought just occurred to me since posting this, my mother once told me that my father only told her he loved her once (in 27 years) and that was when she was seriously ill in the hospital. Interesting.

OP posts:

VinoTime · 28/05/2014 13:42

I think it matters to some.

Personally, I've been in relationships where I haven't heard it very much but I've definitely felt it, and I've also been with men who tell me too much - to the point where it feels suffocating and like you're constantly having to reassure them by saying it back I'm not sure exactly where I fall - I don't think I'm over zealous with the words but if I've ever really felt the urge to say it in the past I have.

I think for a lot of people, hearing it occasionally is fine so long as they feel it. I'm not sure how I would feel about a guy who never said it though. I guess it depends on your relationship dynamic and character?

Jan45 · 28/05/2014 14:29

Sorry but I think that's weird, it's three friggin words that express how much you care about your partner and he can't say it 2 years down the line, what's his problem, seriously and yes it would bother me, we all want to be loved and told we are loved.

Twinklestein · 28/05/2014 14:40

Depends, some guys don't say they love you because they're emotionally constipated, some don't say they love you because they don't.

There's a difference between never having said it, and saying it rarely. I'd want to know that the person I'm with loves me, otherwise we're just wasting our time.

But equally - I agree with Vino, if you feel it, then it's not so important that it is said, and if someone says it lots it can become cloying or devalued.

littlegreenlight1 · 28/05/2014 14:50

Totally personal but for me would be a big deal - dp tells me daily, and I him. If it's on the phone, in person, infront of someone - whatever - we make sure we do at least once.

DorothyDolores · 28/05/2014 14:54

I'm not a lovey dovey person and certainly wouldn't say it all the time myself. I believe actions speak louder than words but to not hear it once in Two years would upset me I think.

Has he any deep seated emotional fear that prevents him from saying it or something? I think if it was me, I'd have to ask him

Meerka · 28/05/2014 14:56

I think it depends on the people involved too. In a relationship where the love is definitely there, some just don't need to hear it, some need to hear it every so often, some need to hear it every day.

The odd one "i love you" here and there can't hurt though and covers all bases. But some people just can't say it.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/05/2014 15:02

It would be a big deal for me too.
I've text with my OH today and we've put 'I love you' in nearly every text.
We don't always but we had a nice morning and it's lovely to say it and have it said (written) to you.
We say 'I love you' before going to sleep most nights as well.

But other people would find this over the top and pretty annoying.
Each to their own!

NotNewButNameChanged · 28/05/2014 15:03

I'm a man and although presently single, when I was living with my ex I wouldn't have said it daily but I certainly said it fairly regularly. I agree with other posters that showing it is very important but to have NEVER said it in two years? I'd find that odd.

Jan45 · 28/05/2014 15:03

If you feel it then it should be easy to say, unless of course, as has been said above, you're emotionally constipated.

MarinaStyle · 28/05/2014 15:21

I'm probably emotionally constipated as I don't find it easy to say . I've been with DH for ten years and I've probably said it about five times to him. I don't think I said it to him in the first 2 years of our relationship. It's not something that occurs to me most of the time, and saying it too often feels false. If you've ever looked at the 'love languages' theory (worth reading, despite the Americanisms) I'm much more about using actions to express how I feel.

DH doesn't say it all the time either, but he says it to me more than I do to him. But he is all about showing affection through touch. That's how I know how he feels about me, regardless of what he does/doesn't say. Same with me, he knows how I feel because of things I do, so what I say doesn't really matter.

Goodguy11 · 28/05/2014 15:23

I think you should say it to your partner if u feel it

Original poster

Bobbybaby · 28/05/2014 15:53

To clarify, I would like him to say it and I have asked him if he does (after a drink, sadface). His answer is that he has very strong feelings about me and just because I say love doesnt mean that I feel stronger about him than he does about me. I must admit that as time goes by I am starting to think about it more. But then again my XP told me he loved me all the time and it turned out he was boning random girls he met on gumtree.

OP posts:

IWillIfHeWill · 28/05/2014 15:54

Matters a lot to me, but it must be really meant. That man muttered about it a few times. When he did that, we fell out because I wanted him to say it properly. That's because he's a shifty, devious git and if he wanted me to believe him he had to make a proper job of it. He didn't. Pfft!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/05/2014 16:01

It matters to me. My DH didn't tell me he loved me until about 18 months in. By then I was questioning his feelings towards me. He just thought I knew, but I didn't.

Now 7 years on he says it everyday!

To me having strong feelings for someone isn't the same as being in love with them. I would be wondering if I was wasting my time. After two years you'd know.

MrsSkilly · 28/05/2014 16:02

I say "I love you" to my DP fairly regularly. He often responds with a grunt or "and I'm fond of you" but he does say it when he knows it matters. He also ALWAYS finishes texts with it. I think I would be upset if I never heard it.

DorothyDolores · 28/05/2014 16:06

I think that sounds a bit strange bobby, what does he mean by that? he either loves you or he doesn't.

Reminds me of a a relationship I had as a teenager with a boy who tried to make himself interesting by being all angsty about admitting he loved me. It seemed romantic then, but after two years in an adult relationship it would really piss me off.

Blithereens · 28/05/2014 16:16

DH and I say it about ten times a day but really how he treats you is the most important thing. If he tells you he loves you with his actions, and you can 'hear' him and you're happy with it, then great.

Lanabelle · 28/05/2014 16:19

Me and dh said it after about 2 or 3 weeks but we were teenagers, have told him everyday since then, and he has told me everyday too. Its like you say, it just seems to come naturally out, like last thing at night or if he has had a particularly shit day etc. 15 years later still saying it

sonjadog · 28/05/2014 16:29

I was going to say that I am the same and have huge trouble saying it without getting a fit of the giggles (yes, I am emotionally stunted), but then I read your last post and I think that would concern me a lot. How can he say he has deep feelings and refuse to say love? I would be wondering what exactly he is getting at there, what is he missing out?

Jan45 · 28/05/2014 16:31

Sorry OP he clearly does not feel it, strong feelings......wow, that must've made you feel incredible, not.

kentishgirl · 28/05/2014 19:08

Sorry OP, I don't think he loves you. I can sort of understand someone having a block against actually saying those words out loud. But if you've outright asked him 'Do you love me?' and he can't even bring himself to say 'yes', and fudges around with comments on 'strong feelings' blah blah blah, he doesn't feel it. And he's trying to justify it by saying you have the same (not quite love) feelings but give them different names. No. Love is love. Strong feelings are strong feelings. Different things.

Either that or he does love you but is so repressed/emotionally stunted he can't even reply 'yes' or 'ditto' (think of the Ghost movie) to admit to having an emotion called love. Not an ideal person to have a relationship with, I'd have thought, as if it's that shut-down it'll have other effects.

Ask him outright again. Tell him not to fanny about but tell you the truth. That you'd rather know honestly where you stand.

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