Saying I love you. Does it matter?

[Bobbybaby]

Me and my DP have been together for 2 years. We are really different people, I am loving, outgoing and irresponsible. He is quite a serious, quiet and very stubborn.

I say I love you to him because I feel it and it naturally just comes out of my mouth sometimes. But he doesnt say it back. He has never said it and I dont know if he ever will.
It doesnt really bother me because I think that he does but a friend of mine says its weird and she wouldnt put up with that. Does it matter to you? And if so how long do you think before someone should say that?

[Bobbybaby]

Hello, so sorry it's taken me a long time to reply. Thanks all for your honest thoughts and advice. The niggle did indeed become bigger so a few days ago I asked him outright:

Me: do you love me?
Him: Yes, of course I do. I'm not very good at saying it, but I do love you.

That's it really!

[Flexibilityiskey]

I think showing it is more important, but I think it would concern me that he doesn't say it at all. I think it is something you need to talk to him about

[lotsohummus]

My fiance didn't say it for quite a few months. I thought it was a sign of seriousness and was waiting for it. I asked him about it and he fudged around saying 'I feel very strongly' etc and also said that previous girlfriends had pushed him into saying it, and because people say it all the time he thought it was a meaningless statement. I left it there and didn't mention it again. I told him I loved him a couple of times in the following months and then he gradually started saying it of his own accord. Now he says it quite often, but not as frequently as other people have reported on here. But it's enough for me, I don't question his true feelings.

[Back2Two]

As cogito said it is SO personal.
Maybe if you're posting on here it is a little niggle?
If it's a niggle it may well grow and could turn into a resentment.
My sister had a dp who never said it (25 years)
It wrecked her head and she wrecked his over this issue.

Then again you may not care.
My dh doesn't say it as often as I do (which is not exactly often although I feel it daily) but he does say it. And I know that he does as he is very lovely!

[JapaneseMargaret]

I read your opening sentence, and thought, 'wow, how does that even work?'

I mean, how does a loving, open person even be with a serious, quiet, stubborn person oh man, I hate stubbornness as a trait.

But of course, opposites do attract, and these particular traits don't necessarily mean you're incompatible.

There are people out there who wouldn't mind never being told 'I love you' by the person they share their life with. On the whole, they're probably serious, quiet stubborn people.

Loving people, on the other hand, probably can't go happily through life never hearing these words.

To me, this does seem like a waving red flag of incompatibility in your relationship, but only you can know a). if that's actually the case, and b). if it is, whether it's surmountable long-term or not.

[punygod]

Depends on the relationship.

With stbxh it felt like a duty, and towards the end I said it but didn't mean it - but he got arsey if I didn't.

Me and DP, on the other hand...all the time, always mean it - can't express myself enough, actually

[kentishgirl]

Sorry OP, I don't think he loves you. I can sort of understand someone having a block against actually saying those words out loud. But if you've outright asked him 'Do you love me?' and he can't even bring himself to say 'yes', and fudges around with comments on 'strong feelings' blah blah blah, he doesn't feel it. And he's trying to justify it by saying you have the same (not quite love) feelings but give them different names. No. Love is love. Strong feelings are strong feelings. Different things.

Either that or he does love you but is so repressed/emotionally stunted he can't even reply 'yes' or 'ditto' (think of the Ghost movie) to admit to having an emotion called love. Not an ideal person to have a relationship with, I'd have thought, as if it's that shut-down it'll have other effects.

Ask him outright again. Tell him not to fanny about but tell you the truth. That you'd rather know honestly where you stand.

[Jan45]

Sorry OP he clearly does not feel it, strong feelings......wow, that must've made you feel incredible, not.

[sonjadog]

I was going to say that I am the same and have huge trouble saying it without getting a fit of the giggles (yes, I am emotionally stunted), but then I read your last post and I think that would concern me a lot. How can he say he has deep feelings and refuse to say love? I would be wondering what exactly he is getting at there, what is he missing out?

[Lanabelle]

Me and dh said it after about 2 or 3 weeks but we were teenagers, have told him everyday since then, and he has told me everyday too. Its like you say, it just seems to come naturally out, like last thing at night or if he has had a particularly shit day etc. 15 years later still saying it

[Blithereens]

DH and I say it about ten times a day but really how he treats you is the most important thing. If he tells you he loves you with his actions, and you can 'hear' him and you're happy with it, then great.

[DorothyDolores]

I think that sounds a bit strange bobby, what does he mean by that? he either loves you or he doesn't.

Reminds me of a a relationship I had as a teenager with a boy who tried to make himself interesting by being all angsty about admitting he loved me. It seemed romantic then, but after two years in an adult relationship it would really piss me off.

[MrsSkilly]

I say "I love you" to my DP fairly regularly. He often responds with a grunt or "and I'm fond of you" but he does say it when he knows it matters. He also ALWAYS finishes texts with it. I think I would be upset if I never heard it.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

It matters to me. My DH didn't tell me he loved me until about 18 months in. By then I was questioning his feelings towards me. He just thought I knew, but I didn't.

Now 7 years on he says it everyday!

To me having strong feelings for someone isn't the same as being in love with them. I would be wondering if I was wasting my time. After two years you'd know.

[IWillIfHeWill]

Matters a lot to me, but it must be really meant. That man muttered about it a few times. When he did that, we fell out because I wanted him to say it properly. That's because he's a shifty, devious git and if he wanted me to believe him he had to make a proper job of it. He didn't. Pfft!

[Bobbybaby]

To clarify, I would like him to say it and I have asked him if he does (after a drink, sadface). His answer is that he has very strong feelings about me and just because I say love doesnt mean that I feel stronger about him than he does about me. I must admit that as time goes by I am starting to think about it more. But then again my XP told me he loved me all the time and it turned out he was boning random girls he met on gumtree.

[Goodguy11]

I think you should say it to your partner if u feel it

[MarinaStyle]

I'm probably emotionally constipated as I don't find it easy to say . I've been with DH for ten years and I've probably said it about five times to him. I don't think I said it to him in the first 2 years of our relationship. It's not something that occurs to me most of the time, and saying it too often feels false. If you've ever looked at the 'love languages' theory (worth reading, despite the Americanisms) I'm much more about using actions to express how I feel.

DH doesn't say it all the time either, but he says it to me more than I do to him. But he is all about showing affection through touch. That's how I know how he feels about me, regardless of what he does/doesn't say. Same with me, he knows how I feel because of things I do, so what I say doesn't really matter.

[Jan45]

If you feel it then it should be easy to say, unless of course, as has been said above, you're emotionally constipated.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

I'm a man and although presently single, when I was living with my ex I wouldn't have said it daily but I certainly said it fairly regularly. I agree with other posters that showing it is very important but to have NEVER said it in two years? I'd find that odd.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It would be a big deal for me too.
I've text with my OH today and we've put 'I love you' in nearly every text.
We don't always but we had a nice morning and it's lovely to say it and have it said (written) to you.
We say 'I love you' before going to sleep most nights as well.

But other people would find this over the top and pretty annoying.
Each to their own!

[Meerka]

I think it depends on the people involved too. In a relationship where the love is definitely there, some just don't need to hear it, some need to hear it every so often, some need to hear it every day.

The odd one "i love you" here and there can't hurt though and covers all bases. But some people just can't say it.

[DorothyDolores]

I'm not a lovey dovey person and certainly wouldn't say it all the time myself. I believe actions speak louder than words but to not hear it once in Two years would upset me I think.

Has he any deep seated emotional fear that prevents him from saying it or something? I think if it was me, I'd have to ask him

[littlegreenlight1]

Totally personal but for me would be a big deal - dp tells me daily, and I him. If it's on the phone, in person, infront of someone - whatever - we make sure we do at least once.

[Twinklestein]

Depends, some guys don't say they love you because they're emotionally constipated, some don't say they love you because they don't.

There's a difference between never having said it, and saying it rarely. I'd want to know that the person I'm with loves me, otherwise we're just wasting our time.

But equally - I agree with Vino, if you feel it, then it's not so important that it is said, and if someone says it lots it can become cloying or devalued.