pregnant, shocked and a bit lost.

[sugarcoatedthorns]

I don't know what to do!

I have just found out I am pregnant and am so confused about what to do. My DH wants an abortion and I'm horrified that he doesn't want the DB. It wasn't planned and was despite precautions. So i know he doesn't have to want a baby, but he always refuses to talk to me about anything, anything.
The trouble is I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel reaaly down about everything now.

One thing I do know is how much I want to keep this baby and cannot bear to think about going throygh the abortion he wants me to have. I would hate to feel that he had stayed with me because of a baby, but I cannot have an abortion and I told him this, but now he is telling people and making me look stupid about it.

He is telling people as a joke that we are having a baby when we are both out of work (I have just given my notice at a very well paid job because of constructive dismissal so yes it is the worst situation) and he had already decided to leave work to start as s/employed. but hes using this i think to ridicule me. When Ive been upset abouut the terrible work situation and try to talk about it he calls me boring and negative. I kind offeel that all the time I am happy and doing absolutely everything he is ok, but he gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like i'm not allowed to worry or be upset.

I have got so down about it all and when I told a friend that i was starting to worry and feel a bit scared about him getting angry she told me that I probably need to get onto some antidepressants fro m the doctor. I think i am going mad, and i feel like a bad person for having any negative emotions.

Am i just scared because of being pregant? should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me.

The only thing I do know is that I want this baby. because he won't talk to me how will i know whether hes still with me only because he will look bad to others if we did separate? He is very fo the do the right thing in front of others, but hes so differrent indoors, but he jjust keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke.

Having read only the opening post, I want to say to you:

Keep your baby
Leave your man, once, finally and conclusively. 'Disappear' if you have to - move away, don't let him know where.
Hope you're ok.

some days on. I left the thread to be in confusion alone and try to get my head together. he's being very cold and aloof but is also blaming me for being in a mood, and i've watched him getting angry at me, because I couldn't have the energy to buy into it i felt like i was watching isntead and i said i can take on board that i have pissed you off so we can try and sort that when you are calmer, but i noticed immediately he starts on about something else and when i try to say but it was about something else a minute ago it just turns into shouting and i have to shout to be heard so i stand and listen, but that makes him mad too. How do you get out of that!!!????? that sounding is really scarey because he looks for everything like hes so angry he would hit me? althought he said early on that decent men don't hit women.

I'm then rude and antagonising and infuriating if he doesn't get to keep going, why do I stand there!

well its rude to just walk off? anything i do is rude and wrong, but he's only so mad at me because of me anyway,oh and apparently, he has to shout or I wouldn't listen [oh fuck].

one time i do remember doing it to him, knowing its a way of his anger that I don't like to show him-i ended up in tears and apologising- and he was so shocked and promised to never do that again, but has, what can i do to get through to him, as that did,but then he has carried on.

I've been to the doctors about my cramps and they have given me a telphone number for an instant early morning scan if i start to bledd

and i've alos spoken to my tenant about giving her notice to move out - he doesn't know and i feel really deceitful and guilty, but i haven't commited to moving there just that if she sees somewhere to go to i will waive any notice charges or anything and to let me know so i can decide then.

it doesn't feel like i think it should. like i'm not making decisions really jjust floating, too muchreally.

Wow, your H sounds like a piece of work. Do you have any friends in real life who can support you? It sounds v. sensible to have given your tenant notice so you have somewhere to go. Definitely don't tell him. By the way, at your booking-in appointment with the midwife they will ask you about your relationship. Think about what you will tell them and consider if there's someone supportive (not DH) you can take with you.

He is testing the water every time he talks about decent men don't hit women. He will hit you one day. Get out, just get the fuck out. And he probably isn't clever enough to realise chlamydia can be dangerous to a baby so it isn't that he doesn't care about the baby. He just is too thick to think about it.

thank you Phiney, but i short of haven't given my tenant notice, i've just said if she finds somewhere she can go without any penalties/notice to me. Doesn't mean she would find somewhere IYSWIM? and it doesnt commit me to anything really, well i suppose it does make it more of a possible now that she knows this already? it would possilby be easier to go the step further.

The friends thing is whats torn me apart over this really (on top of his behaviour). Although i really am not happy about it, i am convinced that im making him stressed and i'm just not very nice, and all the horrid things he says. He says i'll die alone of cancer because noone will like me and i deserve it! Don't people just say things like that to each other when theyre angry? see, when i say things like that to friends, they just ask why i'm getting so hung up on it, and let it go, he's just being a grump and leave him to it. I had been starting to think that it didn't matter wehter it was me but that it was wronganyway when the friend i mentioned ^thread said that i'm not well and was just having a bad reaction to him and 'what a dear' he is.

Makes my head go spare.
I cancelled a booking appt already because of the abortion issue and thining the pregnancy wouldn't last but its all getting a bit desperate i think but there's no point if the pregnancy doesn;t last

i don't even begin to know what to say about my relationship

thinking! - not thinning

There is a point in that booking in appointment, sugar.

Please see your midwife.

You don't have a good relationship that is for certain. It is a very bad relationship and he is being Emotionally Abusive to you.

He is abusing you. And being very clever about it.

Be certain he does not love you, or respect you.

He treats you with contempt and hatred.

Why are you staying and tolerating this?

He is abusive. Please think about what this is doing to you and also how his will affect your baby.

You need to see a mw, it's really important.

His behaviour is unacceptable, you should not be putting up with it. It is not your fault.

Anyone else wonder if he has had a fling with the friend trying to convince OP to get on meds? Would fit why he reacted like he did when they had a fall out? Sorry I am sure I'm wrong but it's such odd advice.

Frankly the point for me is you want this baby and he doesn't so he has to go - but even if not pregnant I'd be thinking you should leave as if properly loved you never feel needy or miserable and that's how he makes you feel.

oh god I don't know Granville! clearly if i knew what you know i wouldn't be, and i donlt know why i donlt see this like you all on here do because the ones that know him that i have spoken to haven't ever said this and that must mean he's right and i am awfuland so nowonder i exasperate him and drive him to be so crazy at me.

I'm sure that i don't act like i want to hurt people when i'm angry though, but he calls me aggressive and intimidating and im really feeling bad about me.

i don't know how to answer a m/wife's questions, not about relationship at the moment, i swing from thinking im stupid and bad and got him all wrong and he's suffering, because that is what he looks like, you know, seems really stressed all teh time, so i feel sorry for him and he spends his nights ranting at me about others, going inteh same circles over and over, but i'm boring if i tried to broach a something that i'm having a problme with, to how dare shout over me to shout down anything i might be trying to say.

Im realising i believe him over me. that happens doesn't it? who do i listen to, me or him, i mean how do i know who to believe perhaps i am just a nasty person, and drive him nuts

Right well lets just say he's right, and you are indeed boring and nasty and you drive him to distraction. WTAF is he doing with you?

He's talking utter bollocks of course, and all these dreadful things he tells you are part of the abuse (which will, I can pretty much guarantee, escalate - I honestly think you are in danger).

Tell the midwife your husband doesn't want the baby. Tell her that he is emotionally abusive. More important that wondering what to tell the midwife though - you need to get the hell out of this relationship. Have you spoken to Women's Aid yet?

But people that know him aren't going to say these things about him because they won't know. How he behaves out will be different to how he behaves towards you, outside it'll all be a front and I expect people will think he's wonderful. He saves his awful behaviour for you. Which means he can control it. Not nice is it?

He's made you feel like it's you. It isn't, he's worn you down.

You need to see a mw for your baby, how far are you now? You must look after both of you.

because the ones that know him that i have spoken to haven't ever said this and that must mean he's right and i am awful

No, this is not what that means. It means that they dont see the same side to him that you do. They dont know him the way you do. They see him as charming and nice. And do you know why that it is? It is because that is what he wants them to see, and it also means that he is in control of his behaviour, and in turn, this means he is deliberately choosing to behave in this way to you, to manipulate control and scare you into submission and confusion.

Dont listen to your friends, they dont know the same Him as you do.

Do you think he would behave like this in work? To his friends? To his parents neighbours? No, he wouldnt!

Do you think he could behave like this to coworkers and bosses? No, he would be fired to hell and back!

He behaves like this to you because he can. He behaves well in his work because he has to, it serves him well, it is not in his interest to be sacked. He behaves well to your friends because it serves him well, he is counting on your friends backing him up, so it helps him in his mission to control and confuse you.

See, it does not make sense, and that his why his manipulation work so well. It does not make sense because he is supposed to LOVE you (and his behaviour does not show it). It works so well because he is supposed to be cherishing his pregnant wife and unborn child, instead he behaves like a demon (which is an unnatural state of affairs).

He keeps you by his side because you are waiting for normality to set in, waiting for this to pass and for him to behave as expected.

I dont think you can expect anything else of you.

He may turn around and be very nice and supportive if you miscarry. He may not even return to normal if you abort. Or he may. Or he may behave like this again next time you and he disagree on something.

But you can know one thing for sure, you will spend the rest of your life with him walking on eggshells and trying to guess his behaviour and reaction and behave in a way that you think will not upset him.

You will get it wrong. Like standing there quietly taking it is wrong. Walking away is wrong. Responding to him is wrong. Whatever you do you will always be wrong.

omg i do do that QS. i know what you mean by walking on egg-shells.

I find myself worrying about what his reaction will be to things i do, i mean negatively -not in, umm, I wonder what he would think about this, way, but will it make him angry? or that i cant be seen to be having too much fun, jeez! i'm sure now he says things like I am too snobby, or up myself or something. I remember a good female friend of his came over to help with decorating really quite early on, and she said how honoured she felt to be helping with the decorating (the same female was out with him when i 'wasn't allowed'. WTAF? I really didn't know what to say, its just a very odd thing to say. I wonder now if his feeings towards me are more about resentment and loathing than love. so here I go again!

he does lie a lot, and its not just me he goads, i've watched him winding up his 'friends', its a horrible 'game' to watch, and it is just supposed ot be a game, i just didn't think he did that to me and so thought about me differently and our feeling was special.

its like it is normal, but horrible too, sometimes. We have a lot of fun, we laugh and do have a great time together.

i'm sure he doesn't hate me??? he must love me? mustn't he. How is what he's doing different from someone who's simply very very stressed and acting out of character? and not everyone chooses to have a baby, prefers not to and therefore could have that initial reaction of asking about an abortion. He hasn't said it since? So its probably just one of those reactions but he's not pushing for that.

Although the way things are with the cramping, i'm not holding out any hopes now really that it would go on much longer really, especially now the doctor has said this.

its a bit stuck in my head that, thre isn't anything right i can do.

Someone tell me how to make it stop? How to make him realise and stop shouting.

Whats in it for him, stopping?

In what way does it benefit HIM to stop shouting?

I dont think you can make him stop, other than ending the relationship and asking him to leave.

No, people don't say they wish their partner would get cancer and die alone when they are angry with them .

Do you really believe you are causing him to be a shit?

If you are the reason he is so shit, why dont you do him a favour and leave, so he can be nice? If that is what you really think.

It will stop when you leave him.

It's not ok to walk on egg shells in a relationship, that's not normal.

No I don't think he does love you, he controls you, he's horrible to you, and he's made you feel like it's all your fault. That's not a loving way to behave. That's not how a loving relationship works.

He knows he's doing this btw.

The cramping does not necessarily mean that you are going to miscarry. It is pretty normal. Your GP gave you the number for the local early pregnancy assessment unit so you know who to call if you start to bleed. Even bleeding doesn't necessarily indicate that you're about to miscarry tbh.

Have you had yourself checked out for chlamydia yet?

What JB said.

I was told by a horrible midwife I was going to lose my baby - this was on the phone - and given details of what would happen. That baby is in the garden now, taller than me and gorgeous. I know now the pains were stretching as he was my first baby.

You need to rest, not have any stress and plan a better life for yourself and the baby. Staying with your husband is only going to carry on the misery you are in now.

If you met him tonight and spoke to you and treated you as he is now would you see him again?

OP chlamydia in the eye is caused because it's spread from bodily fluid due to having unprotected sex. Have you got yourself tested?

Cramping can be normal. It doesn't mean anything is going to happen.