New dad at 50. Thoughts please.

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Sorry, I wasn't quite sure where to put this. I've gone for here because this is a big deal in our relationship at the moment (I am broody as hell) and because it's the family dynamics/relationships angle I'm interested in.

We have 2 pre-schoolers. I really want a third. DP would have been happy to have a third, and even a fourth and fifth, but he feels he is too old. It is the possibly not being around to see them into adulthood he is concerned with, rather than the stresses and strains of small children.

I can see what he is saying, but we already have small children. I am struggling with the idea that having one more will make any difference to his argument. If we were arguing discussing having children at all I could understand more.

What do you think? I am 37 btw and DP is 52.

I can take the truth I think but I am broody to the point of tears over this so please be gentle :)

I don't blame him.

I'm so glad that chapter of my life is over. I'm in between your age and your h's

I think 52 is too old. Obviously that' s just my opinion but if he hadn't the energy for assembling ikea cots and getting up in the night, and going to the playground and strangers callig him 'granddad' I wouldn't blame him.

Every time I got pregnant, I instantly added 21 years to the due date and that sounded worryingly old! If you got pregnant immediately would he still be 52 at due date? if he adds 21 years to that age he gets seventy something. with the first two babies the answer would have been sixty something. Now it's seventy something.

I'll be shouted down but i say stop now. you 'picked' an older man. You can't expect him to make all the same decisions a man your own age would make. I could say the same for him, but, you do already have two children!

I definitely would not want a new child at 53. Absolutely not. For exactly the reasons your DH has used.
And men tend to die earlier than women.
IMHO, you must respect his decision that he doesn't want another. I'm sorry you feel so sad but it is not something you can compromise on. You can't have half a baby.
I really am sorry. The urge for a baby can be strong. Overwhelming. But sometimes it can't happen.

also, with broodiness i think it's hormonal partly. when my youngest was 14 months it made me sad that it would be my last child. Then by the time he was three and a half I began to feel that new chapters were opening up and I wouldn't have gone back (backwards).

I think your DP has a valid point. Listen to him. Sorry, I know you are fairly young, but he is not (not being judgemental, DH is 10 years older than me)... But you have 2 precious children. I would feel so sad to think I may not be around to know my grandchildren.
I just think... My parents are 52 and 55....and we're all grown adults.

Dh was 50 when ds2 was born and 54 when we had ds3 - dd arrived when he was 46. He's now 60 and has absolutely no regrets about having children 'late'.

in as much as any of us can predict these things, he expects to live well into his 80s. He keeps very fit so has no problems playing tennis, football and cricket with the dcs.

He's starting to think about retirement so will be able to go to all the school stuff while I'm working.

He'd certainly say 'go for it', 52 isn't that old.

I am struggling with the idea that having one more will make any difference to his argument.

It makes a difference because you have to stop somewhere. Your "one more won't make a difference" argument applies just as much to numbers 4, 5, 6...

He is probably 'broody' for that period when his children will finally have flown the nest but he will still be healthy enough to enjoy life! go on holiday, or take it easy.

As things are now, if he stays healthy, then at 70 he might well still be active and able to enjoy life when your children are grwon up. But if you have another baby now, then you have to hope that he is still healthy, active, well etc at 74 !

I understand why this feels different for him.

Also, with older fathers there is an increased risk of having a child with autism. Michael Douglas's son has autism.

To be honest, it doesn't matter what others think. Your DP feels he is too old and wants to stop at 2. It is him you need to discuss your feelings with as only the feelings of you and him are important in this.

Go for it
My parents are in their late 70s and have one if my DN living with them ( long story and not relevant).

For me it's interesting watching them going through it all again with a girl in her 20s.

It's not a trouble to them and everyone looks to them for advice and help.

Oh and they are really popular with friends of DN

There is a big difference between two children and three children.
I'm early 60s and over the years have seen several marriages break up mainly due to the stress of a third DC.

The third baby may not be an easy baby.

If he doesn't want another DC then please listen to him.

Enjoy the DCs and life that you have already.

It depends really. I am 29 and husband is 49 this year and I can definitely see the strain having our two year has had on him.

I, like you felt ridiculously broody but I rode it out abit and I don't feel the same anymore! I think for me if was a combination of the love hormone (I was breastfeeding) and my love for my lg that confused my feelings and it certainly felt like an arm and leg situation! I felt desperate for a third. My lg is 2 now and just stopped breastfeeding and i don't feel broody at all anymore.

My husbands big worry was he might not be around to see the kids in their 20's and I can now see his point. Although when I felt broody I was blinded by this. We have 1 of our own and I have one from a previous relationship. He has a 21 year old from a previous marriage too.

I would say to try and wait for the next six months and see how you feel then. Good luck. X

DM was 35 and DF was 50 when I was born....and I'm the eldest sibling. I'd say it's too old. I loved my DF but the relationship was different to that of my friends, less involved. I know this could happen to anyone at anytime but he died when we were young adults and DM was also relatively young (to be a widow).

It's not a new dad at 50 though is it, as he'll be at least 53 when the baby's born. He'll be 71 when he takes the child to university.

I think it's too old, sorry. The problem with broodiness is that it can strike at any time and the feeling can last long beyond actually having the child.

Thanks everyone . I do understand that there is no compromise on this and if he really doesn't want another that that's it. But it does make me feel really sad - and I do worry that I will very much regret it long term.

owl your point about drawing the line somewhere is valid - but I want to draw the line at 3 not 2! I have no desire for any more than that.

My cousin was a 'late arrival' angel and is now 22 and still living with my aunt and uncle who are 70 and and 74. It's fine and they have a wonderful relationship, which is possibly colouring my judgement a little.

I don't think it is too old. I think first time fatherhood at 50+ could be daunting. Sorry OP you are aware that if he is unhappy at the prospect it is a major issue. That broodiness is a difficult feeling to push down and block.

Just to say I developed rheumatoid arthritis after I turned 40. It was unexpected and has affected my life. If I had had a baby at 38 I would have been struggling. Not saying that you will get any such health issue but it is not just your DH's health to take into account.

I don't think any age is necessarily "too old" because individual circumstances vary so much. I would worry about finances however. How do you feel about having dependents beyond the usual retirement age?

...but I want to draw the line at 3 not 2! I have no desire for any more than that.

But why only 3? One more won't make any difference....

My father was 44 when I was born and my mother 40. They are in much better health than any of my DH's parents or step parents, who are 10 years ++ younger.

I also don't think he was a different kind of father to me due to his age as my brother (who is 10 years older than me) and I have pretty much the same memory of the kind of father he was.

I do agree though that a third child can be very hard work! If your husband really isn't keen, it might be the best thing for your family to not pursue it.

at the moment your ratio of adults to children is 1:1 , with the children getting more independent. If you throw another dependent in to that mix then things will get noticeably harder.

I have an adult to child ratio of 1:2 and I find parenting much harder than couples with two children do. You shouldn't just assume that you can have another child and it will all tick along just like before.

What if the child has sn? or what if this is the child that breaks up the relationship?

thisisyoursong it's not just about still being alive though!!!

I am an adult that wants to have a lengthy period of independence and health after her children have left home. I want more than just to be alive when they reach adulthood. I want to have light at the end of the tunnel. Another period of freedom to look forward to.

DH's DF was 56 when he was born, and he has a younger sister. His DM was 39/41.

Partly age and partly their intrests, had DH responsible for a lot of practical stuff as a teen.

FIL was an academic, so a bit head in another world to start with, but being of my granfathers generation compounded it.

It had DH grow up a bit too quick and his DM take responsibility for more than was perhaps fair. She was an amazing character having DCs late in life definitely suited her, she had a boundless energy and zest for life, that I really envied.

I think if your DH wants to stop at two. I think you should listen. You may not have DMIL´s energy at 70 and three DC´s is far harder work than two. The logistics get complicated and you are unlikely to have GPs to help.

Similar situation as my ex neighbour. One 3 year old, she is 40, he is 53. He does not want another one but she does. He agreed but not happy at all. He thinks he is too old, afraid that he won't be here to raise them.

Personally I think he is old but I know how you feel about the broodiness. ((Hugs))

I always wanted a fourth. My ex was 42 when last was born and that was absolutely fine. But he def did not want anymore. There was a point when I was around 55 when I finally stopped thinking I would still love another baby. It coincided with understanding how exhausting it was when I had my little grandchild for the day.
Everyone is different and I hope you are able to come to a conclusion about it together. My partner is an extremely youthful, fit 60 year old with lots of energy and if he was a dad of a young child would no doubt physically cope easily, but we eventually chose not to. It was more to do with my age though if I am honest, not his age.

Thanks all.

ryvita whilst I entirely understand about needing a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm sure plenty of people feel the same way - we already have small children. It's kind of not going to happen for us anyway, we've already committed to that.
That's why I'm struggling to understand his view point . I get that I may just have to accept it but I don't really understand it.

The logistics of 3 is something I've thought long and hard about - that's not the issue here. Not for me or DP. And we are fortunate that finances aren't an issue either.
It is purely the age thing standing in the way.

"But it does make me feel really sad - and I do worry that I will very much regret it long term. "

"I want to draw the line at 3 not 2!"

Maybe something you should have considered when you
a) decided to hook up with a many who is 15 years older than you?
b) decided to have children rather late yourself?

You would regret the wrong thing if you regret not having a third child, you should regret your choices in respect of an older life partner and starting a family "old" in your thirties. You cant blame him.

It is also not fair on the child. We need our parents beyond 20/30. We most certainly dont need to have to deal with caring for old people and their ailments when we should be enjoying uni.