New dad at 50. Thoughts please.

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Sorry, I wasn't quite sure where to put this. I've gone for here because this is a big deal in our relationship at the moment (I am broody as hell) and because it's the family dynamics/relationships angle I'm interested in.

We have 2 pre-schoolers. I really want a third. DP would have been happy to have a third, and even a fourth and fifth, but he feels he is too old. It is the possibly not being around to see them into adulthood he is concerned with, rather than the stresses and strains of small children.

I can see what he is saying, but we already have small children. I am struggling with the idea that having one more will make any difference to his argument. If we were arguing discussing having children at all I could understand more.

What do you think? I am 37 btw and DP is 52.

I can take the truth I think but I am broody to the point of tears over this so please be gentle :)

My DH was 51 when Dc3 was born last year (a surprise! We tried for 15yrs to have Dc2 before we were lucky enough, a mere 5yrs later along came Dc3!)

Of course he gets tired, but he takes them both to the park for hours etc. It doesn't have to be too old, but if your DH thinks it is, there probably isn't much you can do.

I think it's too old. In comparison my parents and pil are in 50s, my granparents in 70s. It's lovely that my children have 4 grandparents all young enough to also play/ look after etc, and great grandparents also.

I feel that if parent at 52, then if that child has child at 25 they are already 77 when first grandchild born so too old to play etc. If own child chooses to wait until 35/40 to have child there's a good chance of not being grandparents

I am 42 and my dad is 87. He had a stroke aged 75, when I was pregnant with my first child (I was 30). He was just 45 when he had me, and 13 years younger when my sister was born.

My mum is 78, she has been in a carehome with alzheimers since she was 75, when my youngest was 5. All he remembers is loopy grandma, he has no real memories of time spent with her. He remembers mostly stress and problems and me struggling with her, and medical assessments and shit.

When I was 25 (and my dad 70) they were young and fit in my mind. They were going fishing in the mountains, they were going on mountain trips, and foraging for berries, they were gardening, growing fruit trees and berries. They were making preserves, jam, cordials and growing veg. They were active. At 25 there was no way I could have imagined that everything would change just 5 years later. You can never take health for granted.

I dont wish upon anyone to be sandwiched between elderly care needing parents, and babies, in the way I have.

If you do go ahead, despite his wishes, prepare yourself that you will be a single mum of 3, or struggle more than you do today if your marriage does not break down over this. But at least your children have to share the burden between 3, not 2 of them.

quint while I appreciate your input, you are coming across as quite hostile? I am not sure what encouraging me to regret my whole relationship is supposed to achieve? I don't really want to be wishing I'd never bothered with him - how sad would that be? And yes, it would have been better to have them earlier but life doesn't always turn out that way.
I have no intention of going ahead in spite of his wishes and I don't think I've suggested anywhere that I would. The only way to do that would be to 'trick' him into it , which would be a pretty despicable thing to do.

I dont mean to come across as hostile.

But your thinking seem rather flawed when you say that you will regret later not having a third. Your husband does not want a third. You have chosen to start a family late, and with an older man. Your use of the word "Regrets" therefore seem strange and also a bit hostile towards your own husband and family setup. Regretting not having a third will mean regretting the man and the circumstances. You cant only regret the absence of the child, you need to take the context into consideration

Ryvita, I don't understand your comment at all. I never said anything about them just 'still being alive'. I said they are in much better health. That means more active, more involved in community groups, less serious illnesses. DH's parents and step parents have had bowel cancer, heart problems (triple bypass), his step mother has osteoporosis and back problems, his mother has cannot use stairs, walks with a cane and has just had an operation where she is bedbound for months.

My parents can travel to see us, his parents or step parents cannot despite ranging in age from early 50s to 70s.

They have had a much longer period of independence and health than a lot of people. I left home at 18 and am now 41, my father worked into his 70s as he loved what he did (ran his own antique shop). Until recently they travelled overseas every year. Their life is certainly not just 'still being alive' and I think your comment is incredibly rude.

You're younger, and if you are confident you can shoulder the weight of caring for three young children should your older partner suffer ill health or worse, then I can't see anything wrong with being an older father from that one point of view.

Nature calls the clock on us for good reason. Life expectancy has risen from something like late 30s to late 80s now hasn't it, across this century? But the biological clock will always stay the same.

Our bones aren't built for running around after little kids in our 70s, but as we all know, women do the bulk of the childrearing anyway, and whilst your husband worries he may not be able to chase them round the park, I'm sure he can still manage a gentle school run walk or commanding from his armchair .
Fact is, Everyone's suggesting worse health case scenario, but you could just as easily contract a life threatening disease well before he reaches 'old age'. Are you confident you have the neccessary guardianship in place should that happen, if your husband is 'too old' to care for them?

I'm biased though, as at 43 I was intensely broody, and my then boyfriend of 43 considered the same thoughts your husband is having. For two years I was desperately sad I couldn't have more babies because of his preference, but I've finally accepted it.
I had my two 'late' at 38 and 40, but I think I do want to enjoy my Sixties travelling and such, rather than still having a child at home to care for.

He's going to be an older dad anyway, if you already have two preschoolers.

Perhaps 'regret' was a bad choice of word, I mean I'll feel sad about it, but I don't regret my relationship and I don't agree that it is impossible to separate the two. I would like 3 children and I feel sad that won't happen - the circumstances don't change that, and dwelling on the reasons can only make it worse - it's not like I can turn back time.

It is what it is - you have a lovely husband and 2 lovely kids, accept he feels too old for another (imho I agree with your hubby).

Thanks swindon your last point is what I'm getting at.
All the above posts are perfectly valid if we were considering having our first child. But our youngest isn't 2 yet and there's another year til the eldest starts school. I won't be travelling and living the high life at 60 - my life choices already dictate that. All the issues that have been raised are already potential issues - rightly or wrongly - so I don't understand why he thinks 3 is a no go but 1 and 2 were ok.

I suppose he could counter that with why is a 3rd so important when you already have 2?

There are some very judgy comments on this thread.

Yes, DH's parents had him and his DSIS very kate in life, and yes it had it's draw backs. Not least that my DDs and my DNethew and niece have never known their GP's in that side.

Health the far side of 70/80 is a fickle thing. DFIL lived to almost 90, DMIL was on a walking holiday and dropped dead at 77.

DH's parents, didn't choose to have DCs that late deliberatly. Life turned out that way.

Life does that. I never planned to settle down at 20, or be a SAHM.

Stuff happens. You need to make the best of it, and I think OP thars what your DP wants to do. He wants to stop at two DCs and maximise what be can give them.

To my mind thats a very sensible decision. I know many families with 3-4 DCs and it's hard work and expnsive.

Is it worth it I don't know? No parent is ever going to say I shouldn't of had DC3, once DC3 is a real child they love, but you see the stresses, the problems affording bigger cars, cursing hotel room sizes, the relying in friends and grandparents, to get DCs to guides, brownies, dancing.

You hear the mutterings about sharing rooms.

I've only got two DDs, but I still have GCSE, AS,A level revision for the next six years and six years paying for uni (fungers crossed)

Sorry kindle, doesn't spell check decently

It's not about his age really, it's his willingness. He doesn't want another baby.

You can't make him, op, sorry.

I can understand exactly what you are saying. But the point is that it is entirely down to how your DH feels about it. If he doesn't want then you will need to respect that

He is not a 'new' dad, he has two children, and he is 52, not 50.

He feels too old to have another, that is what matters here.

If he feels that, then he is.

We had DD (unplanned) when DH was a few months from turning 50 (somehow the fact that he just got her in at 49 sounds so much better than 50...)

We both have older kids from previous relationships, and I'm 14 years younger than him.

DD is now 10. It's been... fine. DH has more energy than me. They are very, very close. It's lovely.

BUT I wouldn't have wanted it to be very much later, I think we sort of just got there in time. As it is, DH is the oldest dad on the playground.

If your husband were on board with it it might be different, I think older dads are a lot more common now with so many second marriages, but his points are valid, sorry.

When you read life expectancy figures, they are based on a child born now. A man at 52 years of age has a lower life expectancy.

For a man who is now 52, the average life expectancy is 84 years of age.

Doesn't matter what life expectancy is, he feels too old.

And I would agree with him.

But some above were thinking life expectancy is far higher.

I agree with the poster who said that with old and fit healthy people, things can change very suddenly.

"I don't understand why he thinks 3 is a no go but 1 and 2 were ok."

I think the biggest difference is that with two parents, you can take responsibility for one child each, and it is easier to let one parent have the two of them so the other can have a break. With 3 kids, for one parent to have a break, the other one is looking after 3, but he/she only has two hands.

I also think this thread is worth a read: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2088109-To-ask-why-you-stuck-at-two-DC

We are all kept alive longer due to good health care, and medication. My mums geriatric consultant said that our brains have a "use by date", and as we are all kept alive so much longer, we have more dementia, and more elderly with neurological and cognitive problems today than ever before. Our bodies may be healthy, but our minds, our brains, or our hearts may one day just "give".

In my mums case, she would have been dead long ago, if her cancer meds had not been keeping her alive. All these medications have side effects long term.

It's not too old providing you both want another child. No one knows whether they will be blessed with good health or long life. A happy family is more important.

You can never tell how long someone will live and stay healthy - my Dad was 46 when I was born, my mum 30. My Mum died of a stroke at 73, and was not in the best of health through arthritis and bronchitis for many years before. Dad on the other hand stayed healthy both physically and mentally and independent almost up to his death aged 102, 18 months ago.

im 44 and just had our second (and most certainly our last). It keeps coming to my mind that when he's 25 ill be knocking 70.

Love and a good home is the most important thing of all but could he already be feeling the strain of being the father of two small lively children? (how hands-on is he?). I know I get much tired than my husband, who is 12 years younger.

In the end your partner may be fit as a fiddle and in good nick but I think myself he has reason to be wary of a 3rd child. You just don't know what's ahead and the older you get, the more likely ill health is to make its unwelcome appearance like a MIL with a bad attitude and BO arriving to live.