New dad at 50. Thoughts please.

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Sorry, I wasn't quite sure where to put this. I've gone for here because this is a big deal in our relationship at the moment (I am broody as hell) and because it's the family dynamics/relationships angle I'm interested in.

We have 2 pre-schoolers. I really want a third. DP would have been happy to have a third, and even a fourth and fifth, but he feels he is too old. It is the possibly not being around to see them into adulthood he is concerned with, rather than the stresses and strains of small children.

I can see what he is saying, but we already have small children. I am struggling with the idea that having one more will make any difference to his argument. If we were arguing discussing having children at all I could understand more.

What do you think? I am 37 btw and DP is 52.

I can take the truth I think but I am broody to the point of tears over this so please be gentle :)

I'd think he feels too old to have three pre-schoolers at home. I would and I am "only" 42

Tricky and a sad situation for you :( but I agree it is how he feels about it that counts.

If he feels too old, then he is, I think.

I dont think she was talking specifically about you parents though.

She could equally been talking about mine!

We cant take things personal, though.

Hmm personally I wouldn't want to have another child at 50,my dad is starting again at 53 and you can see how anxious he is about it, he's not had a newborn in 21 years. hopefully he will do a better job than he did with me and my siblings I do think you'll have to respect his wishes on this one.

Erm, what does this mean then?

"thisisyoursong It's not just about still being alive though!!!"

I genuinely don't think he has an issue with the baby stage - he certainly hasn't said that and he is very hands on.
It does seem to be the possibility of not seeing them into adulthood that is stopping him. We already have young children and all the drudgery that goes with that - we'd be extending it by a couple of years or so, which I accept could be a bigger deal to him than me but he really doesn't seem bothered by that prospect - he's thinking long term.

ryvita my dad, aunties and uncles etc are now living the high life now all the kids have left home - it's often hard to keep up with who is going where next! They (and I) certainly understand what you mean about the light at the end of the tunnel :) In reality though, I probably won't get that or if I do it'll be on my own. And like quint says, I got a fair bit of that done prior to having my kids.

And it's rude to everyone in their 60s and 70s, not just my parents.

Just had out first child. I am almost 38, DH is 45. I honestly think it's about outlook and lifestyle.

No one can believe Dh is 45. He dresses well, takes care of himself, is loving being a dad. Yes it is knackering but I can't see how it's a million times easier if you are 25.

As you say, the 'Too old to be a dad' argument has definitely sailed, seeing as how you have 2 pre- schoolers including one who is under two!

But it does seem that he doesn't want to have another child, and maybe the older dad thing is the most straightforward way he can explain.

So I sort of think the age is maybe a red herring (assuming he was keen to have your other two) and you find yourself in the scenario of many couples where one wants another and the other doesn't. It is hard for both in this scenario and I feel for you as obviously there's no compromise.

I wish you well in working it out.

Kelly my DH is the same, nobody believes me when I say DH's age (46), even with an injury a few years ago that aged him (due to not being able to go running etc - thankfully that stage is over now and he's getting back to being himself).

I actually would really love a third (got a 6 and 4yo) but I have a feeling he thinks it's too late now. Would be more about the loss of freedom again (since we are just regaining a bit) for him I think.

Fuck that.

I'm 37. There is NO way on gods green earth I'm fucking about with toddlers, babies , nappies, weaning, tiredness, stupid flashing toys, toilet training, teething and all the other stuff that goes with babies when I'm 40. Let alone 50.

Once you get to toddler I do not understand why you want to go back to babies. I would divorce dh if he randomly wanted to do it again and cite unreasonable behaviour. Fortunately he's as adamant and we therefore prevail ourselves of all modern medicine offers in order not to hit that route again.

None if it has anything to do with dying. It's all to do with being bloody relieved those stages are nearly over! (And yes I love both dds to death)

ThisIsYourSong, I took it to perhaps refer to people like your inlaws, and people like my parents?

45 and 46 is still younger than 55... There is a difference between being the parent of a 10 year old and the parent of a newborn, at 55.

I do get where both of you are coming from. My thing is you can't predict what happens. My DF was 47 when I was born & was unexpectedly taken v I'll when I was ten . He was 57. He was I'll a lot after that & my teenage years were taken up with worries about him. He died when I was 26 & whilst I don't regret anything & we had a marvelous relationship I do regret he never saw me get married or meet my children ( whom I'm sure he would have loved). My mum was 42 when I was born & whilst we got on well I later had the worry of her being older whilst I had small children. She was 84 when she died.
I'm not saying any of this applies to you & I have a dh who is slightly younger than me & has had/has health problems so who knows ...just I can see where he is coming from.

Yes I agree there's a difference Quint, I think that's why DH feels differently now (at least I think he does. Haven't properly broached the subject yet...) as he was 39/41 when our two were born.

Can't be generalised though I guess. I think our situation would be totally different if DH hadn't got injured etc - it meant having #3 didn't even enter our minds even though in the past we'd talked about having a big family.

I'm 27 so different circumstance to OP, there is no issue with my own age (and thankfully my fertility) at all, it is purely what DH feels like. I think I would agree that over 50 is too old to TTC, so it kind of seems like for us it's the next two years or so, or never.

thisisyoursong don't be ridiculous. It' s not rude to your aunts and uncles to have a clear picture of how I want to live in my 70s. And this thread isn't about your aunts and uncles . It's about the OP's husband and how the OP can understand. I have told the OP why I would feel the way I do. It' s really not for you to come along and say 'that's rude to my aunt and my uncle '

My m&7d are 70 & 71 and they're damn glad we're off their hands!

ps, having re-read your most recent post, that indicates that you did totally misunderstand my post about the issue being more than 'just' living to children's adulthood.

People (including me) might add 20 odd years to their age when they plan a pregnancy to see whether they'd live long enough. And the point I was making (which many other people besides me fully identify with, so I know for certain that I'm not rude to FEEL the way I FEEl) is that for me that calculation is not just about living long enough to see the children in to adulthood. It's about having a period of freedom at the end, wwhen the children are already raised. A period of health, energy and freedom.

I can't believe you totally misunderstood this and took offence on behalf of older people. My whole point is that I am looking forward to that quality of life that your 'aunties and uncles' enjoy.

the too old to be a dad argument has definitely sailed

^^ This.
This is my point but he is not budging.

And minnie unless you have twins then presumably you did once go back to baby stage after reaching the toddler stage?

And quint is right. If DP was still 45 we wouldn't be have this argument animated discussion - we would be having a third.

There is a world of difference between 45 and 53 with two pre-schoolers and a newborn.

I don't blame him one bit.

I think it is not so much about too old/young/busy to have children per se as you say you already have them, but to have a third child, or one more.

We are 42, and we were considering a third back in 2010 when we were both 38. We just did not feel that a) we could afford it, b) we had the capacity to nurture a third child and in effect to follow up all three equally, and finally c) not sure my body could handle another pregnancy due to really bad SPD with our second.

Any reason to not have one more child is valid, in my opinion. He may say he is too old to be a new dad, but I suspect what he is really saying is that he feels too old to have a third child and be a parent of 3 children. He may feel too old for the leap to have another child.

But what I forgot to say, we were really agonizing over having a third or not, and my dh wanted the third child more than I did. This is perhaps why I can see his perspective so clearly. Yet, I felt really guilty that it was my worry over my own bodys capability of carrying another child, and my shortcomings as a mother to be able to give equal time and not to mention quality time to three children.

I sometimes think about the child that could have been in our family with rose tinted glasses. But then, I also think how much more hectic, expensive and difficult our lives would have been. Especially if my hips and pelvis had deteriorated further. It took me years to be able to lead an active life again.

Now, I have come to terms with our decision, and I am happy with the two children we have, and I feel it could not have been in any other way.

I am sometimes looking at my friend who at 39 has her first child, and her 55 year old husband who is back in the nappy years again after having raised his first two children to adulthood, and I dont envy her. She is virtually a single mum, while her husband is opting to work weekends, and is home after the baby has gone to bed. He openly said, "well, you wanted a baby, I am done! You knew that"

I'd ask him what he's worried about. Too old in what way?

Too old so they'll be X age when he's X?
Too old to chase them around?
Too old to do the sleepless nights?
Too old to focus on 3 instead of 2?
Too old because society says so?

Too old is relative really.

My dad was 69 when he stopped having kids (my little brother) and was 64 when he had me (he died a couple of years ago in his mid-90's). I don't recall ever being sad my dad was "old" and in fact we (my siblings and I) are different people I think having had an older father. He had a way about him. He taught us things other dad's wouldn't know. He had been there, done that and could offer advice.

I didn't think "I'm too young" when I was dealing with the sickness and death of my father. My sister, having recently had a baby, wasn't thinking about how sad it was for her to be dealing with that and a newborn, she was only thinking about how lucky she was that he got to meet her baby, and how sad it was that he wouldn't see her grow up. BUT some people don't have dads or parents at all. Some die at young ages, some die in accidents, some choose to leave.

I don't think that age is a barrier to that. I think your general feeling of health and well-being matters. If you feel that you can (both) handle a newborn, handle another child. Give that child everything it deserves in terms of love and attention, then that's all that matters.

As my dad used to say "You're only as old as the woman you feel"... he was a cheeky bugger :)

It's the first of those syka and possibly the last, though I doubt he'd admit that.

well, you wanted a baby. I'm done. You knew that
This is one of the reasons I won't be trying to talk him into it - I would hate to hear that. I don't think he'd actually say it but I can imagine the thought would be there after a really crap night or something, even if that's not his reasoning for not wanting another. And it would be a fair point tbh.

Shetland, could I just ask how old your children are and how old your DH was when each was born?

Because, as I said, I'm not 'getting' his argument about worrying what age he will be when a potential third child would be X years old, given he already has 2 very young children (if I have understood correctly) who would be very close in age to a potential third.

my children are 1.5 and 3.5 oven DP was counts frantically using fingers 48 with the first and 50 with the second; and that is my problem with his argument. if we were talking about having our first child or a third but with older children already, i would agree with him. but his stance seems illogical to me given that the problems he is citing already apply to our existing children. I would have found it far easier if he'd given childcare costs or sleepless nights or something like that as his reasons, but I'm struggling to accept this as i just cannot see where he is coming from.