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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New dad at 50. Thoughts please.

105 replies

Change123 · 24/05/2014 09:10

Sorry, I wasn't quite sure where to put this. I've gone for here because this is a big deal in our relationship at the moment (I am broody as hell) and because it's the family dynamics/relationships angle I'm interested in.

We have 2 pre-schoolers. I really want a third. DP would have been happy to have a third, and even a fourth and fifth, but he feels he is too old. It is the possibly not being around to see them into adulthood he is concerned with, rather than the stresses and strains of small children.

I can see what he is saying, but we already have small children. I am struggling with the idea that having one more will make any difference to his argument. If we were arguing discussing having children at all I could understand more.

What do you think? I am 37 btw and DP is 52.

I can take the truth I think but I am broody to the point of tears over this so please be gentle :)

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/05/2014 14:29

I agree with JohnFarleys, WhereTheWildThings, and Expatinscotland

Having a child is a joint decision, and it is right that if one says "no", then that is the answer. If that becomes a deal breaker for the disappointed one, then that is another decision...I know you said you would not do that.

Going against your husband's decision here, intentionally or by surprise, will be a huge act of disrespect which may or may not create a shadow of resentment on your relationship. (And there is a risk it may be a deal breaker for him as pps have said).

I don't mean to sound patronizing, or lecturing to you, Shetland. I hope your thread was in the spirit of understanding the dilemma better, with a wider perspective. But it does come across a little bit that you are collecting evidence (however irrelevant) to support your argument with him.

I hope you can soon find peace in your heart with what you already have.

Original poster

Change123 · 24/05/2014 15:31

I really didn't mean the thread that way andthe though I see how could have come across that way, I just wanted to see what other people thought.

To clarify - I have no intention of going against him on this. If one of you wants a baby and the other doesn't you can't have one. I get that. But I am allowed to feel sad about it aren't i?!

OP posts:

claraschu · 24/05/2014 15:50

I was born when my father was 57 (third child). I was much closer to him than my much older siblings were, as he had more time for me, and loved me in a different way, as I was such a last chance for him.

He died at well over 100, and I really think that having me kept him young. I also loved the connection to the past which it gave me to have such an old, but lively, father. He was wonderful.

noddyholder · 24/05/2014 16:42

clara that is lovely :) There are so many judgemental posts here.

thereinmadnesslies · 24/05/2014 16:58

Shetland I am in a very similar position to you - DH is in his 50s, the DC are 5 and 7 and I would love another child. DH says he's done. It's a conversation we've kept having over the past three years. It's really hard wanting something so badly, but knowing that it might not happen. I don't have anything helpful to say but that it seems to get easier the further away you move from the baby stage.

Meerka · 24/05/2014 17:21

shetland Heck yeah you can feel sad ...

our second turned up after 5 1/2 years trying and we'd given up hope since I was 43 then. We had to let go of our hopes and adjust to the regret that we'd only ever have one. It's not quite the same as your situation, but perhaps close enough to sympathise.

MrsMot · 24/05/2014 19:39

Shetland, a group of random strangers on the internet can tell you a range of stories, negative and positive from their own perspectives.

Ultimately I don't think it will really help you. You and your dh have to talk through everything together.

I wish you the best of luck x

ManWithNoName · 24/05/2014 19:48

I am a 50 year old man.

We have two young teenage sons. I have been quite ill for a long time and I know how hard being a 'normal dad' has been. I have been in A&E today as it happens. I have never been able to be the sort of Dad things like football in the park, camping, hiking, bike riding. I have always been 'ill Dad'.

I think that matters. You need to be there for your children when they are young and able to do stuff with them. Not least to support your partner so she doesn't have to bring up a child largely alone.

The risk is your DP will be too ill at a critical time in your new child's life as he gets older. I can see why that might weigh on his mind.

bluntasabullet · 24/05/2014 19:58

I think if your hubby was ok with it, then why not?but if your hubby doesnt want another, then you have to respect that.

In this situation, everyone says "but what if dies young" what if he can't do as much" etc. Etc.

ANYONE, of any age could step out in front of a bus, get in a car accident tomorrow, next week, next year, 2years, 5years down the line. Should no one have children "just incase"?

People will come back to me and say "well you would be having a child knowing theres a greater risk of young death, not being ably to do as much" what about those who have jobs with a greater risk attatched? Police officers, stunt men, fire fighters? And what about people who are disabled? Should they not have children because they might not beable to do as much with the child as an able bodied person?

These days, 50 actually isn't that old.

Original poster

Change123 · 24/05/2014 20:05

Thanks everyone - it has been good to get some opinions on this.

I think I'm going to talk to him again now he knows how strongly how feel about it, and then I shall move on and be grateful for what I do have :)

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 24/05/2014 20:11

He is 52 and feels too old.

It's not just the whole, 'I could die' but all that goes with having a newborn and doing it all again.

Maybe he wants to look forward and focus on moving on from the baby stage.

calmet · 24/05/2014 20:54

I remember the threads on here when a woman was in the press, after giving birth at 52, with the help of IVF. She was saying in the press that she was healthy and had no problems being an older mother. And then as she aged, she said in the press she was wrong, and she had been too old.

Yes anyone can get ill or die. But many people seem to deny the ageing process. Most people as they get older do develop health problems. Most people do not live to over 100. Have children when you are older if you want to, But be realistic about the risks of being ill and dying before you meet your GC.

Breezy1985 · 24/05/2014 21:02

My dad started again at 50, my brother and sister are now 7 and 10, I'm 28, he found the first few years easy but he's struggling now due to health issues, not his fault and I'm sure it could happen to any of us but I couldn't do it myself.

trappedinsuburbia · 24/05/2014 22:03

My ex was 50 when I had dd, he said he was too old but I talked him into it, I wish I had listened to him.
It tore us apart, he was essentially done with babies and I was desperate for another, he knewhow much it meant to me and so we went ahead, I knew his heart wasn't In it but thought it would be ok as he agreed to try.
Im now a single parent and although I adore my children I miss exdp very much, neither of us have really moved on, its a bit of a shitty state of affairs.

MatildaWhispers · 24/05/2014 23:38

You are of course allowed to feel sad about the situation, but please do not put undue pressure on him to change his mind. He has told you how he feels.

For me, coming under pressure to have more children was about being pushed outside of my own comfort zone as to what I felt able to handle. 3 is not the same as 2 at all. You may be a great parent to 2 but that doesn't mean the same person can necessarily adapt at all easily to being a parent of 3 if they have adjusted to seeing themselves stopping a 2. It may not just be his age, although you say finance is not an issue, perhaps (although you can afford three) he would feel far more comfortable (and feel like a better parent) if he were able to spread the financial resources available across just the two children you have. And emotionally, he can love his children to bits but will only have so much emotional energy to put into the children, and perhaps he wants your existing two children to get the full benefit of that rather than feeling like he is spreading himself too thinly.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 24/05/2014 23:47

I'm 35 and have 2 young dc's and I would feel too old now to consider having anymore now. His actual age is irrelevant it's how he feels.

Of course you're allowed to feel a little sad about it

Spongeshampooloofah · 25/05/2014 00:12

Older people need less sleep and are immune to almost all cold viruses. I say go for it

Original poster

Change123 · 25/05/2014 00:24

trapped sorry for your experience - that's a sobering thought

I'm not going to try and talk him into it - I'm just going to raise it one more time and then move on.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice :)

OP posts:

IWillIfHeWill · 25/05/2014 01:41

This has been bothering me all day so I'm going to get it out of my system. Apologies in advance.

New dad at fifty? No, I'd never get used to him. I've got fifty years plus in with my old dad and although he has his faults he's the dad I'm used to. Maybe if you'd offered me a new dad at fifteen...

Daughter wouldn't have minded a new dad, though. Hers was even worse than mine. She thought a Welsh farmer would have been more appropriate than the wanker banker we were stuck with for a few years.

QuintessentiallyQS · 25/05/2014 08:05

Original poster

Change123 · 25/05/2014 09:20

iwill that could have made for a more interesting thread.
My Dad is awesome - I'll stick with him :)

OP posts:

RyvitaLoca · 25/05/2014 10:39

Ha ha!!

RyvitaLoca · 25/05/2014 10:46

thisisyoursong it's sad that you don't understand my very clear posts 'at all', as I'm far from the only person/parent out there that values independence. I love my children but it's not exactly an unfathomable emotion that I am looking forward to the decade when they are completely independent and I am still healthy.

I am too old to have a child but if a man my age had another child then he could well miss out on that and it is hardly incomprehensible to feel the loss of what might have been.

QuintessentiallyQS · 25/05/2014 11:29

On the other hand Ryvita and ThisIsYourSon, some of us have been parenting for 12 years plus, and know that after steering them through teenage years, and early career, it would be good to get a break at 50 to enjoy life! When you have been parenting since you were 30, having a break from 50 something would be good. If you have not yet started parenting until you are 50, you have had 20 years of non-parenting from 30 onwards, so may not need that break, though the health may get in the way.

I find it difficult to understand how ThisisYourSong cant comprehend what you are saying Ryvita, when she has given an example of JUST what you are talking about in her own parents. She left home at 18, providing her parents with that light of the end of the tunnel you are talking about. It is because they were still youngish they could engage in travel and an active life, which would be difficult if they were in their mid seventies when their youngest left for Uni.

ThisIsYoung, the 10 years between 60 and 70 can mean the world of difference. Your dad was 10 years younger than OPs husband potentially will be when the next baby is born. Your dad at 54 had a 10 year old, not a newborn and sleepless nights, and 2 more children in school and preschool.

ThisIsYourSong · 25/05/2014 11:55

It's not that I don't understand your posts, as I said it's that I don't understand your comment 'It's not just about still being alive though'. It makes no sense at all in the context of what I said. I never said my parents were just 'alive' and it's incredibly rude to say that people in their 60s or 70s are just existing and not living full, independent and rich lives.

You may be looking forward to that time when your children grow up, but there is no guarantee you are going to be both independent or healthy, no matter what age you are.

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