SAHD has had an affair with our mutual friend

[justfoundout2014]

I have just found out that my dh of 15 years has been sleeping with a mutual friend, in our bed, with our 2 yr old dd downstairs. She has since moved and he swears they are no longer in touch (neither am I). He told me in the middle of a big row in which we were discussing splitting up. He began the row but, tbf, we have been having serious problems for years.

I am reeling at their betrayal ,especially because: I thought she was a friend; it was in my bed; my xchild was in the house at the time. He is deeply sorry, blah blah and now wants us to make a go of it. He accepts my need to deal with this affair before I can consider that.

The worst aspect is that she had a child and the dates mean that dh could be the father. she had told him she couldn't get pregnant - what a dick he is - she already had a child. Apparantly she has told him the child isn't his (she is married too) but I don't think we can be sure. I am the bread-winner. If he is, would I be liable to pay for this child - dh has no money of his own. I can't imagine her chasing us for money and there are also the moral implications of just 'leaving it'. it will hang over us forever. I could kill him.

I have worked so hard and this all happened at a time when I was exhausted, up each night with dd (bf) and working f/t in a stressful job. I have always considered him to be a great sahd (lots of activities, active, also doing majority of housework) and now this. How could they?

I have contacted her because I need to speak to her but she is refusing to see me. I need to. The reply she sent was so cold I can't believe she can speak to me like that. Dh has also asked her to see me and she has refused saying it's nothing to do with her. I am supposed to be seeing her dh tomorrow as he apparently knows more about it than I do and will be able to provide answers to my many questions. Dh, though not trying to stop me, believes it to be a bad idea as he thinks this man will try and punish dh by lying to me about stuff to make it look even worse than it is.

I just don't know what to do. Should I see the man? Can I make her see me?

He is following the script love, they all do. It's pitiful.

You've had the cheater wool pulled over your eyes and he's got away with it.

Now YOU are fighting for you marriage. Investing ALL your efforts to fix it. Clinging to him hopingthat will make him stay.

I understand why you need to do this, but it's the least effective thing to do.

HE'S got to be the one doing all the heavy lifting, not you.

It's possible that they'll carry on seeing each other, or maintain contact.

MrExFriend is in complete and utter denial too eh? He's accepted he's married to a cheat, and will eat as much shit as he needs to, to stay married. Poor sod.

HUGE chance that he's raising your DH's child, and everyone's trying to ignore that fact so it doesn't rock any of their boats.

I think you'll be back and we'll be here.

Not with an I Told You So, but with a hug and big shoulders to cry on.

Please don't think you can't get support here, if it goes wrong, we'll still be here.

No one ever says I told you so on here. It is your life and we want what is best for you. At the moment being with this prat is not the best for you imho. You need space to really think about what has happened. You use that time to get on without him, see how much you miss him or at all and see how different the house is without him. He is supposed to use the time to audition for dad and husband of the year and to show he is sorry for the shitstorm he has brought to your life and how he is going to try and make you trust him again. Of course he might use the time to shag about and get pissed and you might realise you are worth more or he could surprise us all but the space is needed to work all that out. You can't do it when you have to share a house and bed with him.

I haven't read the whole thread but just want to offer a bit of support to OP. You know him better than we do - sometimes good people do really shitty things. My OH of 18 years had an 18 month affair 2 years ago. She was never in my house/bed but he let her into our family in ways that, still to this day, wring my heart out and make me very stabby.

She is as much responsible for her actions as he is for his - but she is not responsible for your feelings. It wasn't her job to act in your best interests. That was his. I have no love for OW, quite the opposite,but I know that she had no bearing on my life/feelings until he gave her that power.

If you want to try again, go for it. I don't believe an affair 'defines' someone (unless they are habitual cheaters). Just be prepared for the fallout. If he isn't prepared to understand the mess he made and make amends to high heaven for it, there's no point in trying. Likewise, you can't beat him around the head with it every day, but you do deserve answers and honesty. I wouldn't swap places with you for the world - it's a hard slog. In our case, it's been worth it - we're in a really good place. Pre-affair, we were barely speaking/limping along. It can work but you both need to work hard. There's no rewind/erase button - you will have to learn to live with what he's done and know that it's part of his memories/past. From the bottom of my heart, I hope it all turns out the way you want it to. Just give yourself a bit of space to get your head straight before making a decision either way.

good luck OP, you won't be the first to get over An affair, contrary to the bog standard stuff trotted out on mumset from the " what an utter bastard , hanging's too good for him" set.

bloody hell folks , give the woman some support in her decision and stop telling her it's bound to fail.

All I'd say OP is that if you want to work it out, it's possible. My DM (SAHM whilst DF was out doing 12 hour shifts four times a week) with four kids had an EA/actual affair for three years when I was the last DC at home in my mid teens. They, despite a lot of pain and drama, and some pretty serious but not irrepairable damage to mine and DM's relationship, did work it out. It is possible. They are now very happy together and have been for years - but their marriage hit a rough spot for maybe 3 years out of 40. I'm so far from excusing what she did as possible - but every marriage is a closed door, and only you and your DH know the truth of yours. It's a great idea to seek support from here, but in terms of advice, only you know your whole situation.

However she does sound like a piece of work!

Oh op, what a thoroughly shit situation.

What will you do about the child?

Best of luck with moving forward

Just seen new thread OP. What a shitbag.

Can you link it dizzy whore??? What's happened?

Found it. What a knob

What's happening on the new thread I can't seem to find it. I hope your ok op....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2099226-In-pieces-husband-has-just-left