SAHD has had an affair with our mutual friend

[justfoundout2014]

I have just found out that my dh of 15 years has been sleeping with a mutual friend, in our bed, with our 2 yr old dd downstairs. She has since moved and he swears they are no longer in touch (neither am I). He told me in the middle of a big row in which we were discussing splitting up. He began the row but, tbf, we have been having serious problems for years.

I am reeling at their betrayal ,especially because: I thought she was a friend; it was in my bed; my xchild was in the house at the time. He is deeply sorry, blah blah and now wants us to make a go of it. He accepts my need to deal with this affair before I can consider that.

The worst aspect is that she had a child and the dates mean that dh could be the father. she had told him she couldn't get pregnant - what a dick he is - she already had a child. Apparantly she has told him the child isn't his (she is married too) but I don't think we can be sure. I am the bread-winner. If he is, would I be liable to pay for this child - dh has no money of his own. I can't imagine her chasing us for money and there are also the moral implications of just 'leaving it'. it will hang over us forever. I could kill him.

I have worked so hard and this all happened at a time when I was exhausted, up each night with dd (bf) and working f/t in a stressful job. I have always considered him to be a great sahd (lots of activities, active, also doing majority of housework) and now this. How could they?

I have contacted her because I need to speak to her but she is refusing to see me. I need to. The reply she sent was so cold I can't believe she can speak to me like that. Dh has also asked her to see me and she has refused saying it's nothing to do with her. I am supposed to be seeing her dh tomorrow as he apparently knows more about it than I do and will be able to provide answers to my many questions. Dh, though not trying to stop me, believes it to be a bad idea as he thinks this man will try and punish dh by lying to me about stuff to make it look even worse than it is.

I just don't know what to do. Should I see the man? Can I make her see me?

Ps if everyone has doubts over the child's paternity, what are you going to do?

Wow. Yes, it does sound very dysfunctional. All of it.

Wishing you lots of luck and strength. you can change your mind at any time. Hope you are getting lots of support from family and friends.

Shock is a terrible thing; take what ever time and do whatever you need to to come to terms with what has happened. There's no deadline that you need to meet nor any timetable you need to follow... there's also no stricture that says you can't change your mind at any point.

Good luck op.

It it very quick to be making such a major decision, take your time. Have you considered what you will do if your DH is the father to her child, will you be able to deal with that?

This man is scum.

He cheats on you. Doesn't use protection. Leaves your young child alone numerous times. Allows his fuck buddy to get friendly with you. Fucks her in your bed and probably doesn't change the sheets. Throws it in your face when rowing. Stays out overnight - that was to get you in line btw - and then comes in and says get over it or we are over.

Oh my God.

No amount of money is worth staying with such a wanker.

Read your later posts. You are going to try and make it work? Why? I just can't get my head around how low your self esteem and self worth must be to contemplate staying with this bully, cheater, child neglecter!

I wish you luck, I am sorry but you will need it.

What ever you decide to do today doesn't mean you can't change you mind later.

You ALL owe it to the child to find out who its father is. Biology is very important and I will argue with anyone who says it isn't.

I do see why people think I'm being wet and weak. My husband has behaved appallingly, I know that, and I am very hurt and very angry. That may not be coming across in my posts, but I am. I want to try and repair the marriage, because there is so much at stake, but I know it may not work out that way. All day (we have spent it as a family) I have switched from emotion to emotion (hidden from dc)and can't get it all out of my mind. I really don't know how it will end.

I know how it looks based on the information I have given, and it really is awful, awful. But there is more to it which, though it doesn't excuse what they did, does go some way to explaining how it came about. I have given so many details on here that I am totally recognisable to anyone from RL and, for that reason I don't want to go into details about my marriage, suffice to say that it was shit beyond shit, and had been for a while. There was fault on both sides, but it doesn't excuse their actions.

I don't think I'm being totally deluded if I say that my h is not totally the scum some people here have described him as. He has behaved very, very shittily but there is context and he is extremely contrite and ashamed. He wasn't keen to discuss it yesterday am, but he told me on Tuesday and that brief 30 minute period was the only time since then he has refused. He is very isolated (it was we who moved, not her, pointless attempt on my part to change some details to make us less recognisable) and so he has no one nearby to confide in. His health is deteriorating, slowly but surely, and our marriage has been a lonely place for a long time. He is really not a rubbish father. This woman too had children, one of whom, as a baby, was in the house for her affair. Do people on here think that wipes out every second of 'good' parenting she, and he, have done?

All that said, I really don't know if I'll be able to trust him again. I keep thinking of the lies they both told, the way he spoke about her so casually to me during it all. I knew they were having coffee together most days and having park trips after school pretty much every day...why was I so stupid not to have suspected?

Sorry this is so long. It has been a long day...

What is at stake? What about how you feel about yourself? What about the message you are giving your children?

What context is it in that it makes it okay for a man to cheat on his wife in such an horrific way, with her friend, while risking his wife's sexual health and probably fathering another child by the friend?

Of course one bad decision doesn't make anyone a bad parent if they have been all good up to then but it really does depend what the decision was! What if you toddler had been hurt or died in an accident because her father was fucking his wife's friend?

You can't live your life clock watching, where is he, he is late home? Wondering who is texting him every time the phone goes?

Whether this can be saved ultimately comes down to - not how much you want it to work, not even how much is at stake, but the very basic fact of whether you will even be able to trust him again. If not, it doesn't matter how much effort you both make. It's impossible to know at this point.

I want to try and repair the marriage

Sadly, the reality is that HE as the betrayer is the one who has to repair the marriage. Not you.

Given his behaviour - staying out all night and then laying down conditions, he is NOT committed to repairing things. It is very early days and there is no way you can make a long term decision - you need time to process your thoughts and emotions.

In the meantime, have a look at this link

But there is more to it which, though it doesn't excuse what they did, does go some way to explaining how it came about.

Nothing explains how he had unprotected sex with another woman in your bed not only risking exposing you to STIs but possibly getting her pregnant whilst neglecting your DC. And to make it worse he did it more than once!

Sorry OP but I wouldn't be able to get past this and I have stayed after an affair. I truly hope you get the support you need.

And even if it wasn't his baby, he still shagged her throughout the pregnancy. On the marital bed.

Your anger should not be at your friend, it was your DH who looked you in the eye all those days and months...

He is following the script and sadly so you are now .

You DESERVE better.

It is very hard to understand your reasoning op, I admit, but I also can't get my head around him.

He takes his wife's friend up to his wife's bed when his wife is at work, he shags her, believing that she can't get pregnant, finds out she lied about that, but oh never mind, carries on merrily shagging her, enjoying time with the baby, going out for coffees, his wife pays for, and this goes on and on and on, not until they end it but until you move away? what does he really think about the baby? He thinks it's his child, surely?

I'm angry at both of them. Why should I not be angry with her? She was not 'my friend' as such. As I said, she was a woman we met, who pursued us both, at the same time. After the affair started, she could have easily cut off my friendship with her - it was not well-established by any means. Instead, she continued to text me to arrange weekend 'playdates', invited me out for drinks etc. All led by her. Yes, don't worry, I have asked dh how on earth it didn't put him off her completely that she did this. I have very few friends locally. I liked her, was quite pleased and even excited about this new friendship. He knew I would have been hurt and disappointed had she suddenly dropped me. No, it doesn't make it right, in many ways it makes it worse, but I want to make it clear, he didn't go after someone who was already my friend. They had too much time together to allow this new relationship to develop, due to his status as SAHD.

I am not explaining this to minimise his actions. He's been a total shit. But so has she. She sat in parks, cafes, pubs with me...He had to lie to me - we were married, he had to either come clean straight away, or get lying. Sadly, he chose the latter. She had no need to ever see me again once it had started. Ours wasn't an established friendship at all. The way she cold-bloodedly went after me and carried it off so convincingly takes my breath away.

I know he is a bastard. But I don't think she is any better, bearing in mind she is married too, and according to he dh yesterday, my h is neither the first nor the last.

So what are you going to do?

It all seems to be justification and no realisation that you do not have to put up with this and that even thinking about her is pointless. She was a bitch. He was the male equivalent but much worse.

I couldn't get past him staying out - again, to worry you into thinking he wasn't coming back - then demanding you shut the fuck up or your marriage is over. And you pretty much do!

She is no better than your husband. But you have decided to try and make things work with your husband. Why don't you try and make things work with her too?

How many months was he doing his "only ten minutes" upstairs thing for?

He didn't stay out to make me worry. He told me on Thursday he was thinking of staying with X - a close and old friend. It would be the first time he has confided in anyone about all this. I asked him not to, due to swimming. He agreed, but then messaged me at 11pm to say he wasn't up to coming back (have mentioned upthread his health thing, with drinking etc). Was apologetic and back by 8.40am, 10 mins later than needed, but he had muddled up dd's and ds's swimming times. He was not trying to scare me. He was moody when he first got in, but got over it when I confronted him about 30 mins later, and has talked since whenever I have wanted to.

None of the above makes up in any way for what he has done, but I see no benefit in embriodering things and talking about a 'script' I really don't think he's following.

What he's done is bad enough, there's no need to make it worse.

If you stay with him you are a complete and utter mug. That is all. I could never forgive my DH if he shagged someone else when my DCs were in the house. Despicable.

Then I apologise. I thought he had stayed out without telling you first.

I am not embroidering anything. But he is doing what so many others have done before, and you are too as other wives have done.

I just wish you valued yourself more as he clearly does not.

And I don't see why he is much worse than him. She lied to her spouse as he did to me. The one and only reason they did it in my house and not her's is that her h is in all the time.

much worse then her

He is married to you OP, he said vows that he has now broken. That's why he's worse than she is. She promised you nothing.

It sounds like your relationship is in a very unhappy place - have you thought about relate?

I notice that, despite the fact your marriage was in trouble, your response wasn't to have an affair in your own bed and get pregnant by someone else. I also notice that your response to finding out about his affair didn't involve abandoning him for the night on some spurious grounds about how he can't move after he had a drink.

He needs to be making a very concerted effort to fix his marriage here, OP. Whatever you feel may have been wrong before the affair, he has broken the marriage and potentially fathered a child on someone else. If you had done the equivalent and presented him with the news that your dd might not be his, do you really think his response would be 'well, fault on both sides, let's go to counselling'? Really?