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Original poster

SAHD has had an affair with our mutual friend

137 replies

justfoundout2014 · 23/05/2014 19:56

I have just found out that my dh of 15 years has been sleeping with a mutual friend, in our bed, with our 2 yr old dd downstairs. She has since moved and he swears they are no longer in touch (neither am I). He told me in the middle of a big row in which we were discussing splitting up. He began the row but, tbf, we have been having serious problems for years.

I am reeling at their betrayal ,especially because: I thought she was a friend; it was in my bed; my xchild was in the house at the time. He is deeply sorry, blah blah and now wants us to make a go of it. He accepts my need to deal with this affair before I can consider that.

The worst aspect is that she had a child and the dates mean that dh could be the father. she had told him she couldn't get pregnant - what a dick he is - she already had a child. Apparantly she has told him the child isn't his (she is married too) but I don't think we can be sure. I am the bread-winner. If he is, would I be liable to pay for this child - dh has no money of his own. I can't imagine her chasing us for money and there are also the moral implications of just 'leaving it'. it will hang over us forever. I could kill him.

I have worked so hard and this all happened at a time when I was exhausted, up each night with dd (bf) and working f/t in a stressful job. I have always considered him to be a great sahd (lots of activities, active, also doing majority of housework) and now this. How could they?

I have contacted her because I need to speak to her but she is refusing to see me. I need to. The reply she sent was so cold I can't believe she can speak to me like that. Dh has also asked her to see me and she has refused saying it's nothing to do with her. I am supposed to be seeing her dh tomorrow as he apparently knows more about it than I do and will be able to provide answers to my many questions. Dh, though not trying to stop me, believes it to be a bad idea as he thinks this man will try and punish dh by lying to me about stuff to make it look even worse than it is.

I just don't know what to do. Should I see the man? Can I make her see me?

OP posts:
Pugaboo · 24/05/2014 07:53

OH god OP your latest update is awful... And him staying out like that...

They left your clingy toddler ALONE and probably crying while they shagged? I have a toddler and they can very easily get into trouble, stair gate or not. Then they left a newborn baby alone too? WTF? Selfish pricks the pair of them.

I understand about your career but if your DH does WOH too then will it give him less claim over custody if you split? (which you were discussing anyway so sounds likely) - I'm not sure how that works. Are both your children school age?

Pugaboo · 24/05/2014 08:00

And I'm sorry to say this but a GOOD sahp doesn't just leave their kid alone and unable to reach their caregiver while they shag around. A GOOD sahp would also remember what other children and babies did while in their house and arguably at least partially in their care. Of course he was doing the housework, probably felt guilty!

Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 24/05/2014 08:01

I know, I know - but I really can't imagine them carrying on with dd crying. She was clingy but I mean she wouldn't have stayed alone for 30 minutes, but she'd have probably been ok for 10 or so. Dh has described it as 'quick', don't know, has the sordid ring of truth to it somehow... Sad. I'm not making excuses, it's inexcusable.

He claims he would never try and get custody of the dc (both at school now) and has a progressive illness which is partly why he wouldn't do it and probably wouldn't get it if he tried. He is well now, but likely to not be so able in the future. Trying not to out myself (though probably too late for that if anyone from rl is here). I don't think his getting the dc would be likely and, if I let my career go, all that would happen is our (all 4 of us, or just mine and the dc's) standard of living would plummet.

He is on his way back, anyway, but will be too late for swimming by about 10 mins Angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 24/05/2014 08:07

Sorry, don't know if I came across as rude there Blush. I know people are thinking of me and I really appreciate all advice. I have people to confide in in rl, but not 'on tap' really, and this is realty helping.

Thanks for all replies.

OP posts:
scarletforya · 24/05/2014 08:10

Dh claims not to remember. Talking to him about this is like discussing his parent's awful divorce that happened when he was 15. He shuts down, looks sad, claims he has blocked out details as it was too awful, can't remember etc

Oh for God's sake Op please tell me you're not swallowing this ridiculous nonsense?

He blocked out details of the sex that he carried on fur months and months VOLUNTARILY. He is spouting a load of old crap Op.

You need to stop listening to his bullshit.

BuzzardBird · 24/05/2014 08:14

Not rude. Are you going to stay together then do you think? How do you feel? Will you still meet with her husband?
Is ironic that your dh is worried about the other dh (who is, as far as we know, innocent) lying when in actual fact it is your dh that has lied? Is he saying that everyone is like him?

creativevoid · 24/05/2014 08:16

Please take dollius's advice seriously. If you are even considering not staying in the marriage, now or later, you need to establish yourself as at a minimum an equal parent in raising your children. No matter how your h has betrayed you, the courts won't be interested when it comes to residency and visitation. You could end up seeing your children on weekends, paying h maintenance and child support. No matter how rubbish we think shagging the OW is with your child around is in terms of parenting, this is not going to matter to a court. You need to make him get a job and you need to do more, now. And don't let him know.

something2say · 24/05/2014 08:26

I'm not sure she wouldn't get custody. Would he even want it? X

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 24/05/2014 08:35

Have you considered the possibility that the OWs husband knew/condoned her using a different stud male as he was firing blanks? The kid could be your DHs but the OWs husband may be happy with that. I have known of a situation like this.
Either way, with all you have in your head now, and the fact that you have probably done their laundry for them I would leave or boot him out. I would not be able to consider a future with a (D)H that did that to me, but I realise that may be just me.
Has she chosen her stud male well if he has a progressive illness? Maybe I have worked around animals too long? I am sorry you have this in your life OP. My advice is start afresh away from him. This will always be there and if you hadn't had that row, he would never have told you.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 24/05/2014 08:35

And his staying away over night is further disrespect.

Pugaboo · 24/05/2014 08:38

Not rude at all!

i really feel for you, your DH seems incredibly selfish. late for swimming just another example.

People can and do change their mind about custody, just bear that in mind. Perhaps you could look at wraparound care until summer hols once he gets a job?

Do you want to leave or stay?

Raskova · 24/05/2014 08:59

The level of betrayal from your husband is outstanding!

I know nothing of custody but I don't see why your DC would go with your husband if you split. I'd have thought she'd go with you? You may have to arrange Childcare and what not but I don't see why you have any less chance of custody.

Thanks Think you need these

creativevoid · 24/05/2014 08:59

I am speaking from experience, something2say, as the breadwinner who left an abusive h. We are still fighting in court and with much struggle, expense, questions about his fitness as a parent and proof that he did very little as sahd I have them 4 nights a week. Custody will be based on the current arrangement so if he is doing the bulk of the childcare that will continue. And if he is not employable because of decisions they've made about the family then she will have to support him. His behaviour toward her is not relevant. Imagine if she were a sahm. No one would say she should lose the children because she had an affair, especially one that is over and done with. It's harsh, it's not right, but it's reality and my advice (now) to any woman would be not to put yourself in this position and if you are in it to get out. If he thinks she is likely to leave, any solicitor will tell him to hold tight to his role as sahd.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 24/05/2014 09:00

I'm not sensing the same level of anger & feeling of betrayal for your husband as you have for OW. You need to forget about her, stop minimising what he's done & accepting his continued shit behaviour (Shock at staying out last night - I'd be asking the husband if OW was home last night) & all this bullshit about not remembering, and take the excellent advice about sending him out to work ASAP.

RyvitaLoca · 24/05/2014 09:05

wow.. leave them be. the other man believes he's the father and if they are living as a family then don't launch a missile in to the middle of that to get #The Truth'.

The Truth is that she's right, she doesn't owe it to you to meet you, or tell you the brutal truth or sugarcoat the truth.

You have enough facts to go on. Only you can decide if that is acceptable to you or not.

FWIW I think that although 90% of sahds are ignored by the sahms, the ones that 'crack' it, the ones that have an easy charm and the ones that are so comfortable around women that they are good company and are often included..................... well, I don't know if it's a good long term plan.

dollius · 24/05/2014 09:07

OP, sorry I didn't make myself clear. Of course you must not give up your career - definitely not with such an unreliable life partner.

But I would insist he goes out to work to ensure you have equal status as care-givers to the children.

You may think he would play nicely now, but people turn into monsters during divorce.

RyvitaLoca · 24/05/2014 09:11

Creativevoid, you're right, so OP, FAKE acceptance for now and send him back to work ASAP.
Maybe things will improve, but if not,,,,,,,,,,,,,, at least you'll have the option of splitting without losing residencyy

sandgrown · 24/05/2014 09:14

Assuming DD is now,at school so no reason he cannot work at least part time. My DH had affair with ex-BF so I can empathise . He left me for her then I found out it had been going on for months. I had been confiding in her that I thought he was having an affair!

Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 24/05/2014 09:35

Well, he is back and his stance now is that I need to get over this or there is no hope for us. He is not prepared to discuss it further or keep going over it as that is detracting from the fact that our marriage was in a very sorry state before the affair even began. This is true - we had drifted apart and sex was virtually non-existent. The affair was a symptom, not a cause of our problems and I really do accept that.

However, I can't deal with him glaring at me, stomping around, speaking to me like I'm the one who has done wrong - which is what he's doing now. I feel so trapped, the dc are here, there's no one to have them today, and I'm not going to get through it.

He wants to get counselling, but can't seem to accept that, in the meantime, I'm still going to be upset about this. Just feel like he and she deserve each other. Both of them seem totally lacking in empathy.

There is no way I can simply 'send him to work'. It won't happen.

OP posts:
PhoebeMcPeePee · 24/05/2014 09:40

Why not op? He won't go or you won't force him? If he won't go to work I wonder how you can change the status quo of him as primary caregiver - hopefully someone more knowledgable will come along soon & my sympathies as he sounds more of a cock the more you write Confused

livingzuid · 24/05/2014 09:42

OP Thanks you don't need me to tell you that his attitude sucks. Perhaps he should have thought about talking to you first and fixing the marriage instead of falling into another woman. Yes your marriage may have had problems but that is no excuse to have an affair.

Can you not just put your dcs into childcare anyway? He would no longer be the main carer but someone with more experience of this will be along soon.

The man has freeloaded off you long enough. I would be getting a good lawyer and working to get him out of your life ASAP. So sorry you have to go through this.

dollius · 24/05/2014 09:47

I am willing to bet that the affair is what caused the distance between you, not the other way around.

Don't forget that he is probably lying about timings.

His attitude stinks and your marriage cannot work if he doesn't change it pronto.

You need to read "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

dollius · 24/05/2014 09:49

Actually, bollocks to that. Just sling him out. He needs to see what he risks losing.

meditrina · 24/05/2014 09:50

"He is not prepared to discuss it further or keep going over it"

This is a bad indicator. The marriage was in a sorry state, but instead of addressing it he decided to have sex with your friend. If he could not deal with it then, why does he think it can be dealt with now? It is not fair for him to attempt to set the terms of what should and shouldn't be discussed or how many times.

Difficulties in a marriage are not a free pass for an affair.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 24/05/2014 09:54

What a horrendous shock. I would never ever 'get over this' nor would I want to. How dare he tell you you have to! How dare he tell you he can't remember. Its incredible.

Op, he is behaving appalingly. I would see a solicitor on Monday. I don't think you have much choice.