SAHD has had an affair with our mutual friend

[justfoundout2014]

I have just found out that my dh of 15 years has been sleeping with a mutual friend, in our bed, with our 2 yr old dd downstairs. She has since moved and he swears they are no longer in touch (neither am I). He told me in the middle of a big row in which we were discussing splitting up. He began the row but, tbf, we have been having serious problems for years.

I am reeling at their betrayal ,especially because: I thought she was a friend; it was in my bed; my xchild was in the house at the time. He is deeply sorry, blah blah and now wants us to make a go of it. He accepts my need to deal with this affair before I can consider that.

The worst aspect is that she had a child and the dates mean that dh could be the father. she had told him she couldn't get pregnant - what a dick he is - she already had a child. Apparantly she has told him the child isn't his (she is married too) but I don't think we can be sure. I am the bread-winner. If he is, would I be liable to pay for this child - dh has no money of his own. I can't imagine her chasing us for money and there are also the moral implications of just 'leaving it'. it will hang over us forever. I could kill him.

I have worked so hard and this all happened at a time when I was exhausted, up each night with dd (bf) and working f/t in a stressful job. I have always considered him to be a great sahd (lots of activities, active, also doing majority of housework) and now this. How could they?

I have contacted her because I need to speak to her but she is refusing to see me. I need to. The reply she sent was so cold I can't believe she can speak to me like that. Dh has also asked her to see me and she has refused saying it's nothing to do with her. I am supposed to be seeing her dh tomorrow as he apparently knows more about it than I do and will be able to provide answers to my many questions. Dh, though not trying to stop me, believes it to be a bad idea as he thinks this man will try and punish dh by lying to me about stuff to make it look even worse than it is.

I just don't know what to do. Should I see the man? Can I make her see me?

Exactly gamerchick!

He's not behaving in a way that shows he is putting your feelings first. He doesn't seem to care about you, just what would make him feel better.

Gamer is right, you could do with some space to gather your thoughts

He told me in the middle of a big row in which we were discussing splitting up. He began the row but, tbf, we have been having serious problems for years.

Firstly, I think he began the row and told you he had cheated because he wants to split up but he wants you to be the one to end it.

I also think that he is still seeing her and that is probably where he was when he spent the night away from you.

He wants to leave you and be with her. That is why he is treating you so badly.

Secondly, you say that you have been having serious problems for years. Serious problems. For years. I think you need to realise that this relationship is already over. There is no love, respect or trust. There is just two people who are in the habit of living alongside each other.

Tell him to move out so that you can think about what you want. If he refuses, see a solicitor. There is nothing more you can hope to achieve until he is gone. You will just keep posting about her and that won't help you.

My DH is going to become a SAHD for at least a year, and I very much appreciate all the work that goes into it. I'm sure your H has done lots with the kids and house etc and it's not freeloading in those terms for me, so that might have been the wrong expression, apologies.

I just want to put this thought across as in he's been using you - he carries on an affair with your children in the house whilst you are out earning the bacon, doesn't seem from your earlier comments to want to work (although perhaps there is a very good reason, a health issue etc). So he gets to do all of this and live the life he wants, cheating on another woman, expecting you to not be spiteful and upset about it when it comes up in conversation, whilst you have been paying for it all? That is beyond disrespectful - and he doesn't even seem to be sorry or remorseful.

As you say, the affair was a symptom of how bad your marriage is. If you think it might be helpful to read the text and emails, then you should. If not, then nothing changes your current state of affairs. As that is the case, you need to focus on your H and not her - she is irrelevant.It is your marriage that you need to consider whether it is worth saving or not. By focussing on her, her DH, this child, etc it is all a distraction from the real issues. Be angry at her by all means as she sounds vile, but the main focus is your H and his actions over the years.

You've been dealt a massive shock and your head must be understandably all over the place. Agree with pps that some breathing space would be really beneficial so you can find some time to think things through. Can you take some leave? Do you feel up to working next week?

Really very sorry you have to go through this.

Sorry to hear this OP. I understand why you don't want to change your set-up. I'd probably feel the same and, in your situation, would consider my husband to be the childcarer who takes charges of his children whilst I'm at work. I'd treat him with civility and maintain a pleasant demeanour around the children.

Privately, I would tell him that the new situation is that, 1) My marriage is over in all but name, 2) If he wants to make a living as childcarer, that is fine with me, 3) He will never touch me again, 4) He will never have girlfriends in the house again and 4) If he doesn't like it he can leave and make his own way.

There's no way that I could see us being a couple again, I wouldn't want to.

I agree with the other posters who've said not to torture yourself with any romantic messages between the pair. You know what you need to know. There's no point trying to see you 'friend'. It doesn't really matter why she did it, there are no excuses good enough for you.

I don't know why some posters are saying that he's still seeing her, that's what drives me nuts about this board. People running away with themselves with no facts, forgetting that there's a person at the other end of the story - you. Can this stop please?

well said Lying

Can't add much to what has already been pointed out to you, but he is one arrogant fuck.
For me, it would be dead and over.

What about the rights of the child possibly conceived by your husband and the other woman to know their half-siblings? What about the rights of your children to know their potential half-sibling? Definitely DNA testing is needed if there's doubt about paternity, for the sake of all of the children involved.

Choices have consequences - your husband's consequence (whether or not you two stay together) may well involve helping all of his children have a relationship with one another over an extended period of time.

The woman doesn't have to submit to DNA testing and the children have no rights to know their half-sibling (if there is one). Neither OP nor husband have no right to insist on this.

OP (and children) had a right though to expect her husband (their father) not to have unprotected sex and risk other children being born.

I think it's a bit romantic to think the children would want a relationship with one another, although I think it's best to know of each other existence if they are biologically related. But maybe I am just a control freak I would seek legal advice before you decide or tell him anything tbh with him being the main carer

Don't be too quick to believe your husband when he says that his mistress's husband 'already knows of the affair'.

Nine times out of ten they are calling your bluff.

They think that by saying 'there's no point you telling him, because he already knows' - then you won't bother contacting him - and the husband of the cheat won't ever find out.

= Less fallout for your husband.

I'm curious why he thinks that HE gets to decide whether or not you can handle seeing the emails and texts that he exchanged with the OW. I'm willing to bet there is stuff in there that he absolutely does not want you to see and he is worried you'll see them. At best, he'll have slagged you off in the messages, at worst, he'll have been making plans for a future without you.

I know he said he didn't plan on leaving, but he could easily be lying. Just like he could be lying about whether or not he is the father of the child (how many men are happy to keep banging the pregnant wife of someone else carrying another man's baby?) I suspect there's more to the paternity that he doesn't want you to know - and that information is possibly in those messages he doesn't want you to see.

And after all, how many times was he lying to you while he was sleeping around.... what's a few more lies under his belt, right? To protect his own interests and keep you in line?

I think there is more you have not been told which is why your H doesn't want you to see any messages.

He may not have been planning to leave but he may have fed her a massive amount of BS about you and told her he would.

Why is her H only now showing you this? Has he only just found out and found messages she had kept or is your H fudging the time line a little and it ended a lot more recently than suggested. If her H found the messages ages ago why did he not contact you then?

Something doesn't quite add up. And unfortunately your H is a proven deceitful prick.

I think you should see the messages. It will no doubt hurt like fuck but much better that the permanent questions hanging.

I agree with much of what "lying " says. You need to try to stay calm and in control of the situation. No point messing up your lives for now..after all, the damage is done so take your time over your next steps. I would however be telling him quite clearly that he has no right to tell you how to feel. Your feelings are your own as are your thoughts . I would be doing my planning in my own time and in my own head. He has lost the right to this information. From now on you do what you want , when you want . Personally I would want to meet with the OW 's husband to see what the details are particularly since your husband doesn't want you to. Why not I wonder ? It might help you plan your next steps.

I also agree with other posters that this OW is irrelevant .

Read the book mentioned up thread. It will help you.

Your marriage is utterly doomed if he's taking this tack.

He's trying to intimidate you into STFU and allowing him to get off scot free.

The ONLY chance any union has of overcoming the cheating of the other half is if the cheat eats as much shit as they have to to save the marriage. They have to accept whatever the wronged party needs in order to get through this.

For as long as it takes.

Even then they need to know that it still might not work.

And they still don't get to even squeak their protestations of 'don't you think you should be over this by now'

Tell this arsehole to get out and not come back until you decide you want him back.

Speak to the DH, speak to whoever you like. Your ultimate 'enemy' in this though IS your H.

Show this arse the consequences of his sordid shagging.

Your H is scared her H will say things that'll make things sound worse?

He banged this bitch, your friend, in YOUR bed, while YOU child stayed penned on the other side of a stairgate? Possibly crying for her Dad?

She gets pg, and has a kid that could be his.

What exactly does your H think that her H could say to make this scenario any worse?

He's attempting to damage limit.

I'd meet her H, even if you discussed nothing more than the price of a loaf of bread, it'd scare the living daylights out of that revolting pair.

those of you saying kick him out don't get it.

he is the main carer .

If push came to shove, OP might be forced to leave the
family home and support her husband and kids financially from afar.

a court does not care about infidelity, only about the welfare of the children.

I was faced with exactly this scenario 3 years ago

He needs to see what the consequences are. He needs to give his wife the space she needs to process this.

He had somewhere to doss down the other night, he can stay there for a while.

OP is in a precarious position wrt the children/home etc, so should tread carefully, but asking him to go for a while isn't booting him out for good.

I'm not saying kick him out, I'm saying tell him to leave for a few days, to give OP a break from him and some time to think.

OP, I would want to see the emails and print them out in case there is anything that would help your case from a legal point of view.

I hope you are OK OP. Did you meet the OW's husband?

try and punish dh by lying to me about stuff to make it look even worse than it is

He's been fucking your friend, in your bed, while he left your 2 year old child to its own devices downstairs. And to top it all he may or may not have impregnated her.

I'm personally at a loss to understand how the situation could really get any worse

Well, the meeting with her dh went well. He didn't show me anything as it would be upsetting but most of what he said tied in with what dh says. He is unsure about the paternity of the child, so no answers there. Tbh, it sounds like their relationship was/is very dysfunctional, as was/is ours and we have all sort of overlapped horrifically.

I have had a really good talk with dh and we are both committed to making it work now. We will have counselling to help us with this.

I know he sounds a complete bastard, but I can only put so many details on here. I know dd wasn't neglected for long periods, because I know him as a father and the bond they have, and how both dc have thrived with him at home. And the woman is not really my friend, but a woman we both met through the dc, who actively pursued a relationship with us both. There's no way he's going to 'move on' to another of my friends now, because it just wasn't like that.

Thank you so much for all the replies and advice.

Oh dear

OP it is far too soon to make any kind of decision. You need some time to think. You are still in shock, it hasn't even sunk in.

Something happened that is too upsetting for you to know about.

It is being kept from you because it is so terribly awful.

You don't know what it is but you are prepared to gloss over that.

Please, OP, if you do one thing, go to counselling on your own.

Keep posting for support. This is not over by a long, long stretch.

I agree with fairenuff

Be kind to yourself

I just hope you haven't made the decision to blame her, that's all.

Keep posting for support. We'll be here for you.

You may well find that once you're over the initial shock and things settle that you're too disgusted/annoyed to continue. All feelings at this stage are ok.

Obviously it would be great if you can make it work