SAHD has had an affair with our mutual friend

[justfoundout2014]

I have just found out that my dh of 15 years has been sleeping with a mutual friend, in our bed, with our 2 yr old dd downstairs. She has since moved and he swears they are no longer in touch (neither am I). He told me in the middle of a big row in which we were discussing splitting up. He began the row but, tbf, we have been having serious problems for years.

I am reeling at their betrayal ,especially because: I thought she was a friend; it was in my bed; my xchild was in the house at the time. He is deeply sorry, blah blah and now wants us to make a go of it. He accepts my need to deal with this affair before I can consider that.

The worst aspect is that she had a child and the dates mean that dh could be the father. she had told him she couldn't get pregnant - what a dick he is - she already had a child. Apparantly she has told him the child isn't his (she is married too) but I don't think we can be sure. I am the bread-winner. If he is, would I be liable to pay for this child - dh has no money of his own. I can't imagine her chasing us for money and there are also the moral implications of just 'leaving it'. it will hang over us forever. I could kill him.

I have worked so hard and this all happened at a time when I was exhausted, up each night with dd (bf) and working f/t in a stressful job. I have always considered him to be a great sahd (lots of activities, active, also doing majority of housework) and now this. How could they?

I have contacted her because I need to speak to her but she is refusing to see me. I need to. The reply she sent was so cold I can't believe she can speak to me like that. Dh has also asked her to see me and she has refused saying it's nothing to do with her. I am supposed to be seeing her dh tomorrow as he apparently knows more about it than I do and will be able to provide answers to my many questions. Dh, though not trying to stop me, believes it to be a bad idea as he thinks this man will try and punish dh by lying to me about stuff to make it look even worse than it is.

I just don't know what to do. Should I see the man? Can I make her see me?

You poor thing.

I'm a bit at everyone trying to work out how to get it so that he leaves and you become primary caregiver. Is that what you want OP? Would you be OK with leaving and leaving the children with him?

It's ok to say if that's where you are emotionally at the moment and as he HAS been the primary caregiver the consideration surely has to be for the child.

Throw him out, take control, get angry. He is a massive twat .

Wow Op, he is following the script now. Get angry, what a twat.

Right, he has calmed down now and we have had another talk. Dc are watching more tv now than over the last year . He just thinks there is no point in us talking if I am going to be bitter and sarcastic, which I guess is true, but it's how I feel at the moment.

The affair really is a symptom, not a cause and there is no way it has gone on for longer as she was new to the area, and I have proof of that. I don't want to go into the details of my marriage, but it really was in a state. it doesn't justify what he did, and he doesn't think it does, but I can sort of see how it came about. I'm not as calm and accepting as that may seem, but I do have mixed feelings about it all.

The thing is, her dh has hacked into her phone and computer, so what he has for me is texts and emails. Dh is adamant that there will be nothing that really makes it worse (eg plans to leave etc, evidence that he has seriously lied about the extent of it ) but admits there could well be sexual/romantic messages that I would find very upsetting to read. He says they change nothing about the facts of it all, but that they'll stay in my head and make it even harder for us to move on from this. Tbh, I don't know if I want to sit in a public place, with a man I barely know being faced with all of that...

As to dh staying out last night, his condition means drinking (not a ridiculous amount, but enough to be drunk) makes it hard for him to get back. We are a 40 minute bus ride from this friend, and dh just couldn't face the journey. I do kind of get it, though I suppose I'm coming across as a sap.

He is not a freeloader. He has done 7 years' worth of childcare, has made other financial contributions where he can from home, and he has done a good job. He does all the cooking and the majority of the housework, takes care of all admin, financial stuff, dog-walking. Dc are fantastic, doing brilliantly at school and are close to both of us. I do a lot, co-slept for years while working f/t, get home relatively early compared to people in other jobs, fully focus on the dc at weekends and hols. Aside from dh's illness, I honestly think a court would be hard-pressed to choose between us. I am very involved with them indeed, but so is dh. I would never ever want it to come to this, but if they were asked to choose I wouldn't want to put money on who they'd go for, as they are honestly very close to us both. I have often thought how well our choice for me to work and dh to be at home has worked out, for this reason.

Bloody hell

He lands this bombshell on you along with the sordid details (just ewww!), disappears for the night and then comes back refusing to discuss it.

WTF?! How dare he? He is the one in the wrong and should be doing everything he can.

Pack his bag and tell him he can piss off.

This man has had unprotected sex with another woman.
He could be the father or her child.
He abandoned his child behind a locked stair gate so he could go and fuck her.
He did this in your bed.
He has exposed to to the risk of STIs.

And you are supposed to just put up and shut up.

He has absolutely zero respect for you or gives a shit about your feelings does he.

Of course he remembers what they did with her child while they fucked. He doesn't want to tell you because talking about all this and seeing what it does to you makes him feel bad and he doesn't like that.

He may have been spending time with your daughter, her and their child. While you were out working!

It is all to protect him no care or concern for you at all.

There is no way you can reconcile this and have a relationship with this man this way. It will destroy every part of you and turn you into a hollow shell.

Even if you try you have to know if this is his child or that will hang over your head forever if she and her H go there separate way at any time. Knowing takes that out of the equation.

There is no remorse and nothing to make him stop and think with your next friend.

You also need a complete STI checkup.

Good luck getting through this.

I hear what you say about him being a good SAHP, but one of the requisites is to not shag someone else (particularly on the job). He failed at that miserably. He put his sex life before his kid, there's no getting round that.

I don't think you should let him persuade you that he cheated because the marriage was in a bad state: it's crap: he had an affair because he chose to. Don't let him try and make you take any responsibility for his
infidelity.

Furthermore, he does not get to dictate to you how you respond to his infidelity. You may be 'bitter and sarcastic' for a long time, he has to deal with that as a consequence of his behaviour, and he does not get to stonewall the discussion on that grounds. He just doesn't want to discuss it, and he doesn't seem to understand that if you can't discuss it, there's no way you can save the marriage.

xposts with Scatterbrain and Magoria - quite!

wow, kick him out! he tells you what the conditions are !!

OP there is so much going round your head that you can't see straight at the moment.

What you need is some time apart. Can you take compassionate leave from work? You need to tell him to move out whilst you think about what you want to do.

That's the first thing. Once he's gone you can start to focus on everything else.

"he can not dictate to you how you respond to his infidelity"

Absolutely. Who does he think he is, that he can order you not to have any feelings!

I have read your last post.
He really has done a number on you, hasn't he?
I am not one to say LTB but I think you are being rather too quick to forgive.

I am almost four months on from discovering my DH's affair.

In all that time DH hasn't once refused to talk about it, even though some of the answers hurt me and him (seeing what he has put me through). He has faced up to it, accepted that he is totally to blame and that the state of our marriage (pretty good really, though maybe in a bit of a rut) had no bearing on what he did. He did it because he was a stupid, selfish twat who thought he could have his cake and eat it and it would have no impact on 'us'.

The only reason I am trying to work things through with him is because he has done and said all of the above and more and shown real remorse. He accepted that I was going to be angry, upset, bitter, sarcastic etc. because that's the impact his awful behaviour had on me. It's what he deserved. And he never once shied away from it! Even though he wanted to.

I am almost four months on from discovering my DH's affair.

In all that time DH hasn't once refused to talk about it, even though some of the answers hurt me and him (seeing what he has put me through). He has faced up to it, accepted that he is totally to blame and that the state of our marriage (pretty good really, though maybe in a bit of a rut) had no bearing on what he did. He did it because he was a stupid, selfish twat who thought he could have his cake and eat it and it would have no impact on 'us'.

The only reason I am trying to work things through with him is because he has done and said all of the above and more and shown real remorse. He accepted that I was going to be angry, upset, bitter, sarcastic etc. because that's the impact his awful behaviour had on me. It's what he deserved. And he never once shied away from it! Even though he wanted to.

Ooh! I've been here! He's had an affair and to make it better for himself to deal with he's beginning to blame you. Be very careful. I don't know about you but, aside from the affair which is MASSIVE to get over, I felt I could not be with someone who was so ready to hurt me in order to save himself.

Much better to blame you than to face up to what a total fuckwit loser he is [hhm]

He sounds incredibly selfish. Not only has he had an affair, he has had one without using barrier contraception and for me that would be an absolute deal breaker. Has he even considered at all that he may have put your health at risk, let alone the fact your children might have a bloody half sibling. What an absolute mess. I am so sorry but you need to speak to the husband if you want to, you need process all this. It's not up to him to decide what you do and don't do.

Ooh! I've been here! He's had an affair and to make it better for himself to deal with he's beginning to blame you. Be very careful. I don't know about you but, aside from the affair which is MASSIVE to get over, I felt I could not be with someone who was so ready to hurt me in order to save himself.

Much better to blame you than to face up to what a total fuckwit loser he is

To also add you were having a row about splitting up before he dropped this bomb shell.

Why and what has suddenly changed that you may now not?

Because he has dumped the shedload of bad feelings he has had keeping all this to himself which has exacerbated your bad few years and now he has dumped all that shit on you he is freer and happier!

That you now have all this is unimportant.

All about him and his happiness.

I agree with magoria. You were thinking of splitting anyway - now you know he was shagging your mate in your bed, with no contraception, throughout her pregnancy and when she had a little baby, while your kid was downstairs, while you were paying her nursery fees, now you don't want to split up?

The issues with the ow is a distraction this is about you and your husband (refuse to call him dh in the circumstances) I'm
Thinking your still in shock otherwise

Sorry posted by mistake!!

Seriously How can you be thinking of staying with him op?

Are you sure where he stayed the other night?

I wouldn't be surprised if he is still cheating - with her or someone else.

Just end it op. He sounds like a jerk.

I do agree about reading the messages. I read my dad's phone after his affair and the words still swirl around in my head years and years later.

Can you get the H to paraphrase or give you the info without the words?

I agree with a PP.. maybe take some leave from work and ask him to move out for a while until you've processed your head. If you're not allowed to process it your relationship doesn't stand a cats in hells chance of surviving anyway.

Tell him calmly that you're allowed to be upset and you're allowed to process how you're feeling in any way you see fit and if he keeps dismissing that then you may was well call it quits right now and go straight to the separating part.

How can you find some stillness inside your head and think properly if he's there?.. you won't be able to.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am genuinely open-mouthed at the sheer brass neck of your loser husband.

He had unprotected sex whilst his child was left unattended in the house?!

He needs to go, now - and to consider the consequences of his disgraceful behaviour.

Whatever the OW's husband tells you is kinda irrelevant; it is your husband who has betrayed you.

I truly cannot understand how you can even consider having him under the same roof as you and the dc's at the moment. His behaviour must be making your skin crawl.

He is a treacherous snake.