Do you think saying "let's skip the lunch and just go to a hotel" is like cheating in a relationship?

[onezzz]

I started another thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2084550-What-do-you-think-is-cheating-when-married but took a while to get to my point and didn't really ask what I meant to properly.

My best friend basically accused me of being border line having an affair with a friend.

I hadn’t seen him for a while and we were arranging meeting for lunch and he text ‘let’s skip the lunch and just go to a hotel’ - that’s just what he’s like and we both know he is not serious at all. My friend saw this message and said it was out of order when he was married. She said with that and ‘everything else’ that he’s basically cheating on his wife with me. The ‘everything else’ is that she knows we email most days and chat on the phone a couple of times a week. We both work from home so it’s a bit of company for both of us but nothing more, nothing physical has ever happened, i’m not attracted to him and I rarely see him in person as he lives a couple of hours from me.

He is married, I live with my boyfriend, my boyfriend is aware of him and has never had a problem.

My friend has trust issues with her partner so I think a lot of it is because of that but I don’t know do you think the rest is ok?

I believe you that there's nothing in it.
I think it's tasteless and I can't imagine a female friend saying it -so why is it ok for a male friend to say it?

I have male friends who would say something saucy like that and there never has been or would be anything sinister in it. It's just a daft joke and I would be happy for any of their partners to read such a message to me.

Your friend is projecting.

What would your boyfriend say if you showed him the message?

It was a joke wasn't it, my dh wouldn't be bothered by it and I wouldn't if he said it to someone else.

I think he'd probably just cringe tinks, I haven't shown him but I wouldn't be concerned if he did see it

I think it is skirting near the line of what is jokey/acceptable.

Would he get away with it in a workplace? No.
Easily misinterpreted.

Now this is interesting isn't it?

Personally I would be pissed off if my DP sent that to another woman, friends or not. But then I am secretly a jealous old hag. He doesn't know that though.

I think something is brewing and you are trying to deny it, maybe to yourself. Why start two threads about it if it is not bothering you?

Even in jest, that hotel comment makes it clear what he is after. Don't kid yourself!

Wake up and smell the coffee. Your friend is flirting with you. You may not be attracted to him but he is attracted to you. If you reply 'LOL' to the 'skip lunch text' he can pass it off as a joke. But I guarantee if you said 'OK then' he'd be quite up for it.

Why do you care what we think? because you know there is something wrong.
Back off from this guy. (till you are both single)

I have always had male friends. We don't make 'lets skip lunch' comments because we are friends.
I would (and did) always back off if I got a 'haha wouldn't it be funny if we hooked up' comments because they were never really a joke.
I learnt that after the first 20 times...

I think it's really a very odd sort of joke, TBH.

Well why don't you show him and ask him what he thinks? Im with the others here OP, the man wants a bit of afternoon delight and is sounding you out.

It really depends on the individuals and the relationship. That could be empty, risqué 'banter' in some friendships. Depends what's behind it.

My take is this , if you wouldn't say it or do it in front of your spouse it's crossed the line.

Would your friend make those jokes in front of his wife ? Would you laugh along in front of your partner at these jokes ? I also think you must've mentioned the daily emails and chatting to him far too much for your friend to mention it.

How did she see the message about the hotel , or did you show her ? I'm never privvy to other people's messages. From your daily emails , and writing threads about him , I'd say your far too involved. Does his wife know you email daily?

If you want to know if it's cheating , ask his wife , and your partner.

If it's a platonic friendship, then surely the banter should be non-sexual? I can actually see that this might be a very quirky and funny kind of guy who is, as you think, just joking. But maybe not. And I personally wouldn't like it if I was his wife. I can understand why your friend isn't happy about it - if you're wrong, you're really heading into dangerous waters. Either way, it seems to be occupying an inappropriate amount of headspace for you now. Are you enjoying the attention?

Well, I think you should show it to your H, then, and ascertain what it means and what to do with him rather than here.

I have some friends who say some borderline inappropriate stuff (I'm single, they're single) and if one of them said skip to the hotel I'd feel a bit weird about that. And that is really saying something. Make it clear that the tone isn't on. If it's a truly platonic relationship he'll be embarrassed and cool it quick enough.

I think if you are starting multiple threads in attempt to garner the "your friend is a jealous old boot and you are a wonderfully cool person who can handle having male friends" vote, then you are not quite as cool with it as you have led yourself to believe

No I don't think it's like cheating, but if I saw my husband write a text like that to someone I would think that he is either overly emotionally invested in them (at a minimum) and possibly having an affair (at worst).

I don't think it's appropriate to flirt with friends, or anyone, like that if you're in a relationship and my husband and I have had the "what do you consider cheating" conversation. I used to be more flirtatious to get my way (accent helps), he found it offensive so I'm more "charming" now than flirty.

It's not really about us though, if your boyfriend and his wife don't think it's across the line, then that's all that matters. If it hurts either of them, then you both need to quit it.

I'd call that an emotional affair, tbh. Even if you have absolutely no feelings for him you're behaving ambiguously enough that a friend has expressed unease.

I personally wouldn't ever want to behave in a way that raised doubt about a friendship status. Crystal clear is the only way to be.

I would dump someone if I found that on their phone. And I have a good sense of humour, honest!

I'm not. A jealous person but I'd be very hurt and angry ifi saw that on DPs phone. It is very beyond the line IMO.

I hadn't seen this thread when I replied on your other one, but I'll say here exactly what I said there:

Does his wife know you and he "email most days and chat on the phone a couple of times a week"?

Does his wife know he is texting suggestive comments/jokes to another woman?

What would happen if you replied "mmm, good idea, let's do that"?