Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Do you think saying "let's skip the lunch and just go to a hotel" is like cheating in a relationship?

136 replies

onezzz · 20/05/2014 22:21

I started another thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2084550-What-do-you-think-is-cheating-when-married but took a while to get to my point and didn't really ask what I meant to properly.

My best friend basically accused me of being border line having an affair with a friend.

I hadn’t seen him for a while and we were arranging meeting for lunch and he text ‘let’s skip the lunch and just go to a hotel’ - that’s just what he’s like and we both know he is not serious at all. My friend saw this message and said it was out of order when he was married. She said with that and ‘everything else’ that he’s basically cheating on his wife with me. The ‘everything else’ is that she knows we email most days and chat on the phone a couple of times a week. We both work from home so it’s a bit of company for both of us but nothing more, nothing physical has ever happened, i’m not attracted to him and I rarely see him in person as he lives a couple of hours from me.

He is married, I live with my boyfriend, my boyfriend is aware of him and has never had a problem.

My friend has trust issues with her partner so I think a lot of it is because of that but I don’t know do you think the rest is ok?

OP posts:

BeCool · 23/05/2014 12:53

No matter how much trust and humour and lack of fancying there is around, you friend is being UnCool.

There is lots of fun to be had and lots of jokes to be made that don't involve insinuations of an affair.

BolshierAyraStark · 23/05/2014 13:16

Inappropriate & if I saw that DH had sent that to a female friend I would definitely not be happy.

Larimarbleu · 24/05/2014 15:53

Would his wife find it funny? (I doubt it)

On the subject of his wife - is she ever included in your meetings and get-together s - If not, then you have to ask yourself why -and is it appropriate to be having such a close friendship with somebody else's husband, where his wife is never included in that friendship..

I would not be happy if my husband met up for lunch on a regular basis with another woman and I was never included -
As part of a group is fine.
But one on one lunches/meetings:-
Sounds like its bordering on an Emotional Affair.

I know some women like to say that they're ok with their husband meeting up regularly with another female for meals etc.... but I think that anybody who wants to protect their marriage from the threat of an affair should be wary of these meetings.

It's not being jealous - its being sensible.

Original poster

onezzz · 24/05/2014 16:56

No his wife doesn't come when we meet nor does my boyfriend or anyone else but we don't meet very regularly

OP posts:

SelectAUserName · 24/05/2014 18:01

Hmm. For all I don't think the OP's friend is being entirely above board here, I don't necessarily agree with you Larimarbleu. I meet my married friend every few months for lunch without my DH or his DW present, and have done for about four years. My DH doesn't know or have much in common with my friend, ditto his wife with me. We're ex-colleagues, most of our conversation is about people we both used to work with and one or other of us are still in touch with, and a sporting interest that we share but our spouses don't. We never discuss anything emotional / intimate, there's no flirtation whatsoever, it's nothing we couldn't say in front of our spouses but why put them through what would be quite a boring lunch for them when they trust us and there is nothing to be jealous of?

Original poster

onezzz · 25/05/2014 14:55

I didn’t know whether to post this or just leave the thread but thought I may as well update.

We met for lunch - chatted as normal, he said his wife was off with friends and was happy to have got rid of him for a couple of hours and knew he was with me so I felt things were fine but then as we were leaving and going our separate ways he said “you didn’t fancy the hotel then?” I said no and that he shouldn’t really send jokes like that in texts as it’s easy for people to get the wrong idea and that my friend had seen it and given me a hard time thinking there was something going on between us. He said “shame there’s not then if you’re getting the heat for it anyway, there’s still time now” I told him to stop it and he said “ok fine, it’s definitely a no then” quite seriously, i said “you are joking aren’t you? you don’t really want to?” and he said “well, I was joking, but if you wanted to I would” I told him that it was definitely a no and left. He’s tried calling me since but I haven’t answered him yet

So seems that a lot of you were right and I was wrong on this one

OP posts:

Lweji · 25/05/2014 15:05

Don't feel bad.

It's easy to ignore the signs because we wouldn't behave in that way and quite can't believe the other person would. I have since learnt to trust my gut feeling.

Shame that a friendship had to be ruined by his twatiness.

alphabook · 25/05/2014 15:10

Just seen this thread, but I'm not surprised it's turned out this way to be honest. I was about to agree with the person who said "Would your friend make those jokes in front of his wife?" Clearly he wouldn't have done.

I'm a pretty laid back person, and even I would not be impressed if I saw DH had sent texts like that to a "friend". It's crossing a line.

SanityClause · 25/05/2014 15:19

That's a pity onezzz. A bit of a shitty way to lose a friendship, really.

MistressDeeCee · 25/05/2014 15:37

Doesn't sound as if there's anything between the 2 of you. But...Id be seriously unhappy if my OH made a comment like that to a female friend, and Id hate to know he was being disrespectful to both her and me by making sexual innuendos. Its just not appropriate and I think you know it. Actually its disrespectful to your partner too, he's talking to you as if you're "easy". If you don't mind though thats entirely up to you

Whilst I think your friend's reaction is a tad overboard (I guess you wanted a reaction from her tho - Im wondering if you've mentioned this guy to her several times and she's now at eyerolling stage?) there is a bit of truth in what she's saying. I think you need to be honest with yourself here regarding how you feel about this man, and the possibility that you love the attention/innuendo from him

badbaldingballerina123 - spot on.

diddl · 25/05/2014 15:48

Gosh, he respects you, doesn't he!

Lweji · 25/05/2014 15:51

MistressDeeCee
not read further than the 1st page or update, have you?
Shocked: [s

Original poster

onezzz · 25/05/2014 16:56

Thanks lweji - was feeling really stupid for being so convinced he would never actually mean it

OP posts:

SelectAUserName · 25/05/2014 17:05

Fair play for coming back and updating, OP.

I wouldn't be able to maintain the friendship after this, I'm afraid. Even though you have shown self-control and maturity, the knowledge that those qualities of yours are the only thing stopping him from cheating on his wife would make me lose all respect for him, and I can't be friends with people I don't respect.

Original poster

onezzz · 25/05/2014 18:03

I don't know what to do now, I'm annoyed with him for ruining what I thought was a genuine friendship and now I will always wonder whether we are/were friends or whether he's been hoping for something the whole time.

I still can't help but want to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that he didn't mean it and wouldn't that easily be prepared to cheat on his wife and mess up our friendship but that's probably just me still being in denial about it

OP posts:

Frogisatwat · 25/05/2014 18:04

Hats off for the update!

Bogeyface · 25/05/2014 18:05

You are in denial.

He wanted to, was actively trying to persuade you ("There is still time") and when you finally made it clear that you werent up for it, tried to claim it was a joke whilst also saying that he would if you wanted to.

I personally couldnt be friends with someone who would do this to their wife and thought I had so little respect for her and myself that I would be his partner in crime.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 25/05/2014 18:21

Wow, what a disrespectful shit he is.

Well done OP for telling him it was awful and disrespectful.

I'd rethink the friendship now, you know he was actively pursuing you.

Itsfab · 25/05/2014 18:29

You are in denial. Why?

He so would have shagged you and gone back to his wife without a second thought.

Bad enough that he said it once but he kept going on and on and was clearing expecting you to give him what he wanted. He would cheat on his wife with someone he reckons he didn't really want to sleep with but would have done if offered. Bad enough to cheat with someone you have feelings for but with someone who is just there?

Bogeyface · 25/05/2014 18:33

itsfab makes a good point actually.

He thought you were a sure thing for an afternoon shag and then he could have gone home. He thinks nothing of you at all! No respect, no consideration, no care, no nothing!

Frogisatwat · 25/05/2014 19:28

Oh I have just seen your second update.. if you carry on seeing him he probably thinks he is in with a chance. After all now he has laid his cards on the table and you don't run away? Slippery slope. How much clearer did he need to be? Still as someone upthread said 'its nice to be fancied'

Meerka · 25/05/2014 19:44

uffff ... I thought it might well be simply his sense of humour too. sigh Seems that nearly everyone else had the right idea!

okay, he's a real creep and ugh. I imagine that's totally ruined the friendship now.

Sorry it's ended up this way for you onezz

Pagwatch · 25/05/2014 19:52

Oh Onezzz
You have my sympathy. I admire your honesty about how this panned out but I know how shitty it feels when someone you thought was just a friend was actually hoping for signals.
You have done nothing wrong. It was him - too self centred to value the friendship above his penis

Lweji · 25/05/2014 20:30

It's often said here that when men tell you who they are, believe them.
They can try and take it back or claim it was a joke, but take note of what they said first.

Lweji · 25/05/2014 20:33

The question now is how honest will you be with your OH?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6