Do you think saying "let's skip the lunch and just go to a hotel" is like cheating in a relationship?

[onezzz]

I started another thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2084550-What-do-you-think-is-cheating-when-married but took a while to get to my point and didn't really ask what I meant to properly.

My best friend basically accused me of being border line having an affair with a friend.

I hadn’t seen him for a while and we were arranging meeting for lunch and he text ‘let’s skip the lunch and just go to a hotel’ - that’s just what he’s like and we both know he is not serious at all. My friend saw this message and said it was out of order when he was married. She said with that and ‘everything else’ that he’s basically cheating on his wife with me. The ‘everything else’ is that she knows we email most days and chat on the phone a couple of times a week. We both work from home so it’s a bit of company for both of us but nothing more, nothing physical has ever happened, i’m not attracted to him and I rarely see him in person as he lives a couple of hours from me.

He is married, I live with my boyfriend, my boyfriend is aware of him and has never had a problem.

My friend has trust issues with her partner so I think a lot of it is because of that but I don’t know do you think the rest is ok?

Two threads?

I think you're loving it Op.

I posted on your other thread but in response to this specific issue I would say that yes, he is trying it on in such a way that if you say "Woah, inappropriate mate!" he can say that he was clearly only joking.

The red flag for me is that this has been said when you were arranging to meet for lunch, not in an email exchange where there are no plans to meet.

You may think it is harmless but I would bet you a weeks wages that he is hoping that you both trip over, land on each others genitals and say "Whoops, how did that happen?"

It's something he has thought about, and couldn't help voicing under the cloak of banter.

I am certainly posting this as a wife, one who wouldn't let friends get away with this type of banter with me.

The fact that you are here trying to justify what was said and its context also makes me wonder if you are secretly feeling more for him than you admit....

What an icky and sleazy joke. Why are you hanging out with him?

Agree with green that this bloke has thought about it and has planned certain scenarios in his head. He is boundary testing.

Agree entirely with Bogeyface's last comment.

Ask your boyfriend his opinion and your friend to ask his wife the same. You will find your answers from them.

.....anyway, it's nice to be fancied isn't it?

Your best friend is spot on.

"I would bet you a weeks wages that he is hoping that you both trip over, land on each others genitals and say "Whoops, how did that happen?""

Bogey is spot on.

My married male friend and I managed to arrange to have lunch together (we meet for lunch about twice a year) without any reference, "joky" or otherwise, to sloping off to a hotel to have sex. It was really quite easy:

"Do you want to go to the same place as last time or somewhere else?"
"Shall we try somewhere else? What about one of the new places that OtherFriend mentioned had opened along SomeStreet?"
Next day: "Okay, I've booked a table for X o'clock at Y restaurant. See you then."

Not rocket surgery.

Yes, you are definitely having an emotional affair.

Does his wife know you email daily and chat on the phone twice a week? Would you call him at home on the land-line? What would happen if you/he suggested his wife accompanied you on the forthcoming lunch? Have you met his wife?

I think there are some people who get this kind of humour and some people who don't.

Same as there's some people see sexual infidelity in every relationship between man and woman (or man and gay male, or fem and gay fem). Others don't.

If your friend in in the first category for both the humour and the sexual infidelity thing, then ofc she's going to read too much into it. Doesn't necessarily mean that there -is- too much in it.

I don't particularly like that sort of joke myself cause its caused trouble in the past from people who see there being more there than there really is and I really cannot be bothered dealing with more of that sort of misunderstanding.

But if you and he are on the same humour-wavelength, fair enough. And if you are confident that it will remain a non-sexual friendship, then what other people think isnt irrelevant ... Except for your husband. I wouldnt hide anything from him so that he can tell you if he's not comfy and would prefer you to back off. Other than that, it'd be a shame if you have to muzzle a sharp sense of humour just to keep some people happy whose business it isn't.

isn't relevant* in the last para, sorry

Either your friend's views and comments have bugged you, in which case there's probably some truth in them. If her view was completely irrelevant it would be water off a ducks back.

Or you're loving the whole thing, chatting to your female friend about it, pondering on whether he fancies you, posting on here about it, etc.

I suspect it's both.

Fwiw if my DH sent that text to a female friend, I'd be questioning the friendship. He manages to maintain his friendships without 'joking' sexual references, as do I.

I don't think making suggestive jokes with friends is necessarily an issue. Some people are just like that with everyone.

However, if your friendship was just like that surely you wouldn't have given it a second thought. The fact that you've made two threads about it is what makes it look odd to me.

That's a 'testing the waters' text if ever I saw one. One of those comments that can be passed off as an unfunny a joke when you inevitably don't bite.

What would happen if you texted back 'actually, I would really like to.'?

If you think he would get embarrassed and go silent, fine. If you think he would take you up on it (and I bet you know if he would or not), we'll, there's your answer.

A male friend of mine says this, sometimes he gets "lucky". It's one of those throwaway comments but definitely testing the waters & then laughed off when there is no response.

If I ever found my DH saying this to anyone I would go ballistic.

I read this thread and your other one OP and I think you know very well what the position is. I think you fancy this man and want to know that he does too... you just want to talk about it as much as possible but you have to dress it up because he's married.

'Mentionistis', I believe is the term used. Nobody would start two threads to discuss the same thing if it were a genuine question. I don't believe what you're saying and I think you just want everybody else to talk because each post and poster telling you that they wouldn't like it validates that your view that think you're fancied by this man.

Has the OP been back?

I had a male friend a couple of years ago, who I got to know when I was at a bit of a vulnerable time. We shared a lot of jokes and banter, but I began to question whether our perspectives on the friendship were the same. One day, we were having a lighthearted text conversation, when he (out of context) texted something along the lines of: 'ahh, shut up, I just wanna give you a snog girl!' I replied: 'WTF?', to which he replied claiming that the text had been intended for someone else.

Strangely enough, our 'friendship' petered out after that, and I kicked myself over how naïve I'd been.

Not saying that all male/female friendships are 'dangerous'; indeed I have other, healthy friendships with men.

If he's just a mate why are you feeling the need to show your friend his messages? Or even discuss your friendship with her?

He probably thinks you might be up for it, and chancing his arm. Just make sure lunch isn't at a hotel...

I've got lots of male friends who I'm happy to have stupid text conversations with, none of them are strangers to the groaningly awful double entendre or the bizarre or nonsensical sex-focused stream of consciousness.

None of them would ever text me something like that. It isn't funny, it's just a weird testing the water come on. It isn't even funny because it's weird IYSWIM.

You know this really, I think. I'd stop messing about with all the chatting and emailing if I were you, or I think you'll end up in a bit of bother.

I was torn on this until I read the post about technology. Its bang out of order!
I posted before that a very long time female friend of my bf's sent him a drunk, flirty, private message going on about the old days.
I was furious (not least as he replied but being him had NO clue it was flirtatious and I could be wrong anyway) If she'd wanted to say that kind of thing to him it should have been in person, not in a special place for only him to see. I dunno I still feel really icky about it, when I put myself in her position I would never ever do that to a bloke who had a wife/gf even if we were/had been just mates.
In fact, I have one of these friendships and I asked the woman side of it how it would make her feel and she said she would not have been happy.
You KNOW it's out of order, stop it, I really feel for the other halfs in these relationships, youre taking the piss.

He's clearly trying his luck

Hmm... I have one friend who would text this kind of thing to me and I know it would be a total joke. He would also say it to my face in front of my DH, and he would know it was a joke. He would also say it to my DH! and several of our friends, be they male or female. He's just that kind of guy...

When he sees you, the first thing he does is grab you in a big bear hug and lifts you off the ground with it no mean feat considering how heavy some of us are these days and he is completely 'equal opportunities' with hugging and physical contact - basically, if you're his friend, you're getting hugged.

He had to move away for work for a few months last year, and when he came back it took him a good twenty minutes going to each person in turn, picking them up and hugging them until the breath squeezed from their lungs. He's kind of like the yeti from that old cartoon 'I will hug and and squeeze him'. He refers to me as the group sex kitten - I'm short, fat and not in the slightest bit sexy - and yet he makes it sound so sincere, and not in the slightest bit creepy!

But from anyone else - I would totally assume that was a 'test the waters' message...