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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you think saying "let's skip the lunch and just go to a hotel" is like cheating in a relationship?

136 replies

onezzz · 20/05/2014 22:21

I started another thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2084550-What-do-you-think-is-cheating-when-married but took a while to get to my point and didn't really ask what I meant to properly.

My best friend basically accused me of being border line having an affair with a friend.

I hadn’t seen him for a while and we were arranging meeting for lunch and he text ‘let’s skip the lunch and just go to a hotel’ - that’s just what he’s like and we both know he is not serious at all. My friend saw this message and said it was out of order when he was married. She said with that and ‘everything else’ that he’s basically cheating on his wife with me. The ‘everything else’ is that she knows we email most days and chat on the phone a couple of times a week. We both work from home so it’s a bit of company for both of us but nothing more, nothing physical has ever happened, i’m not attracted to him and I rarely see him in person as he lives a couple of hours from me.

He is married, I live with my boyfriend, my boyfriend is aware of him and has never had a problem.

My friend has trust issues with her partner so I think a lot of it is because of that but I don’t know do you think the rest is ok?

OP posts:

beaglesaresweet · 21/05/2014 23:08

I think OP is upset by accusatory responses and isn't coming back.

CarryOnDancing · 21/05/2014 23:20

I think OP is busily texting her "friend" about the "ridiculous notion" that he fancies her.

Original poster

onezzz · 22/05/2014 20:35

Sorry I haven't been back before, I'm not upset as genuinely wanted peoples opinion but am a bit shocked that majority view seems to be that it's out of order.

To try to answer some of the questions -

I don't have mentionitis or talk about him a lot and didn't purposely show my friend the message. My phone was out, it popped up and she read it. She's not known for her tact or respecting people's privacy and she then quizzed me on who he was, how I knew him, how often I saw him, spoke to him, text him etc

Selectausername - I don't know if his wife knows we're in regular contact, I don't have any reason to think she doesn't , my boyfriend knows. If I replied "mmm, good idea, let's do that" I'm pretty sure he'd run a mile and backtrack completely. He seems happy in his marriage, doesn't talk negatively about his wife and has actually said he doesn't get why people cheat before so I don't think it was a testing the waters attempt.

Wildbill "Oh for heavens sake, I've worked in an all male team for years and this banter is normal between men and women who have an easy going working relationship. Both know the other would run a mile if one of them actually thought it was meant seriously" - that's exactly how I've always felt about it. I used to work with mainly guys so am maybe more used to it. I'm not saying that's a good thing or that I think it's 'cool' or whatever but that is what I'm used to and why it seems quite a normal thing to me

Thehousewhocorner - it's not all jokey flirtation no - generally it's quite mundane chit chat

I didn't mean to sound harsh about my friend being concerned about it and can see how reading that message without any explanation would look bad but I was a bit annoyed with the interrogation and her insistence that I was doing something terrible in continuing to be friends with this guy. That's why I've been thinking about it and started the threads as it seems to have caused an issue with her and she is still being funny with me.

OP posts:

CarryOnDancing · 22/05/2014 20:53

Do the reactions and opinions here make you think again about what your DH might think about the message?

Original poster

onezzz · 22/05/2014 21:14

It doesn't make me worry about my boyfriend no as I have shown him very similar messages before and he hasn't been bothered by them. It makes me wonder what his wife may think but I guess I have always assumed she knows his personality and wouldn't be bothered either

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/05/2014 21:16

In all your intimate chats and daily emails etc, he has never once mentioned his wife and how she feels about your friendship ?

You see nothing odd in this ?

Original poster

onezzz · 22/05/2014 21:19

He does mention his wife but has never said what she thinks about our friendship. I don't know her

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/05/2014 21:20

so, someone who is such a good friend and you don't know their significant other at all ?

why ?

Original poster

onezzz · 22/05/2014 21:28

There's no reason really other than we don't see each other that often and when we do it is generally during the week when his wife and my boyfriend are working. We work in similar areas so a lot of conversations are about stuff relating to that and i'd think that would be quite boring for them.

OP posts:

Original poster

onezzz · 22/05/2014 21:29

And I don't really consider him that close a friend

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/05/2014 21:31

An answer for everything, eh ?

Look, you are convinced everything is fine. So, why post ? ust live your life as you see fit. All will be well.

Itsfab · 22/05/2014 21:34

Do you enjoy the flirting? If you can't be honest on here at least be with yourself.

Pagwatch · 22/05/2014 21:35

All good then OP.
But AnyFucker has a point. Your two OPs were 'I thought this was fine but my uptight friend thinks its weird, do you think it's ok?'

If it is just a particular quality of this close relationship, why ask?

But if it's fine, it's fine [shrug]

Frogisatwat · 22/05/2014 22:35

I hear your explanations but I am trying to think how I would feel if my partner showed me similar -jokey' messages. I would be bothered. Big time. But hey ho. Different strokes..

blueshoes · 22/05/2014 22:36

Not even sure why you are posting (twice) when you are so cocksure it is fine. We don't need to convince you of anything. You do a good job of that yourself.

CarryOnDancing · 22/05/2014 23:55

How long have you known this friend? Is it since you've been with you DH or from before?

I know everyone has different opinions on friendships between the opposite sex but if my DH suddenly started emailing another woman daily, calling her and driving a couple of hours to meet her, I would wonder why he wasn't putting this time into our friendship/relationship instead.

Even if I chose not to say anything (I would as I can't keep anything in!), I'd question how DH felt about me that he'd rather pass the time of day with someone new. I'd want to know what I wasn't offering him with my companionship.

Do you message your DH an equal amount out of interest?

getthefeckouttahere · 23/05/2014 00:09

oh honestly thats fine. If you lot are getting in a fizz about that you really should not see my messages!

MN can be a very purient (but lovely all the same) bunch at times.

If you're happy with it op crack on. If you want to double check run it by your partner. From what you say he won't find a problem with it either.

beaglesaresweet · 23/05/2014 01:21

I don't think it takes away from the time they spend with their respective partners, Carry. OP said that they e-mail in the daytime as they both work from home while their spouses work in offices - it's quite boring socially to work from home, they pass the time sometimes by chatting on email.
Both, from what she says, spend evenings and weekends with spouses - and don't email then. As it's just mundane chat according to Op (apart from that one comment), it's the same as if she was talking to a female friend.

Jengnr · 23/05/2014 08:08

I don't think it would bother me in those circumstances tbh. And I'd probably piss myself laughing if my husband said it.

BUT it's not cut and dried. I've got mates I'd think nothing of saying it and mates that would really creep me out with it and in other relationships had my partner said that I would have been very upset indeed.

It all depends on the relationships you have. If you're alright with it and your partner wouldn't be arsed there's nothing to worry about. But if that's the case why would you even be discussing it with us? You'd tell your mate she was being a knob and move on....wouldn't you?

MumofWaif · 23/05/2014 08:17

"If I replied "mmm, good idea, let's do that" I'm pretty sure he'd run a mile and backtrack completely. "

^^^

I dare you. It would be interesting to see what he says next. Come back and let us know

shoppingfrenzy · 23/05/2014 08:25

If my DP sent a message like that to a female "friend", I would be hurt and shocked. I would not react well.

I would not send a message like that myself, and would expect, if I did, that DP would be very pit out/pissed off/upset. And rightly so.

But then we have both been through marriages that failed because our partners cheated. It is a deal breaker for us both. This is how my ex's affair started - "jokey" texts.

Of course I am projecting big time.

shoppingfrenzy · 23/05/2014 08:25

If my DP sent a message like that to a female "friend", I would be hurt and shocked. I would not react well.

I would not send a message like that myself, and would expect, if I did, that DP would be very pit out/pissed off/upset. And rightly so.

But then we have both been through marriages that failed because our partners cheated. It is a deal breaker for us both. This is how my ex's affair started - "jokey" texts.

Of course I am projecting big time.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 23/05/2014 09:14

Text him, "I've been thinking about that hotel....." and see what the reply is.

Then you'll know.

Show your bf, and see how he feels about it.

If your unwilling to show it to your bf, then actions speak louder than words.

Lweji · 23/05/2014 11:07

What's that saying?
Often a true word is said in jest?

blueshoes · 23/05/2014 11:14

"Text him, "I've been thinking about that hotel....." and see what the reply is."

Yes, OP , do that and report back. I am sure he won't take it the wrong way because it is all just jokey banter and both of you are cool and buddies like that.

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