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Original poster

Why would anyone combine their money?

160 replies

Peonysandblueglass · 18/05/2014 19:11

Hi Im about to get married, have no DCs.
Dp and I both work, im a full time student so get grants/loans to live on and Im a self employed Nanny so get money for that too.
We both go halves on all of the house hold expenses, we're also both going halves on all wedding costs, if we drive on holiday we go halves on fuel.
I can understand that when i have a baby he will support me because it will be our child.
If we joined our finances as some people seem to, I would feel like I need to justify my luxurious clothing purchases buys to hi
Or i'd be concious of everything I bought.
I like it as we have it as it feels like a power balance.
Is there something I'm missing here? Thanks.

OP posts:
lornemalvo · 20/05/2014 21:42

I wouldn't wish to have access to more money than my DH had access to and he wouldn't want to have access to more money than I had. Everything is joint. We don't have separate spending money. He may need new clothes this month and therefore get them. I may want something next month. We get what we need and it wouldn't matter if it was the same person getting more for months on end. We both look out for each other. It's not tit for tat. I don't think he got a new coat and shoes so I'm getting a new bag. That seems like the quickest way to waste your money to me.

MinesAPintOfTea · 20/05/2014 21:43

I would pay him back any money he's paid during the time I wasn't working

Really think about that. Childcare for under 1's is £££ so that doesn't seem fair to me. Plus if we're talking fair, is he going to compensate you for the time and physical damage you have as a result of childbirth?

I don't know, it seems a very odd way to run a family as a married couple to me, whatever happened to "All that I am I give to you, all that I have I share with you"? I can see why you might want to keep separate accounts, but not repay monies spent supporting the family when you are carrying/giving birth to, nurturing a baby which is half his responsibility.

I suppose he could take the majority of the maternity/paternity leave once you're physically healed if you aren't planning on bfing.

thegreylady · 20/05/2014 22:09

We have always had a joint account. We never question what is spent. We just trust one another. If a big purchase for the house/car etc is needed we discuss it and how to pay for it.
Our savings account is also joint. When we were both working it never crossed our minds to have 'his' and 'hers' we just had ours.
If I want an expensive pair of shoes or whatever then I buy them and show him afterwards. If we don't have enough money we don't buy extras.

Original poster
Peonysandblueglass · 20/05/2014 22:11

I would resent paying off his debts accumulated before we met.
He has been acting all shocked tonight. Like he'd never even thought about money when we have kids. He's now avoiding me.

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 20/05/2014 22:23

Peony yes I get that you might want separate discretionary spending money and from that pay down your own debts, but the idea of repaying your spouse explicitly for times when you couldn't work, especially due to one party taking the bulk of the childcare responsibilities seems imbalanced to me.

What will you do if (heaven forbid) you/your DF/DC develop a disability and one of you has to give up work on a permanent basis? In this house, the other adult would support the family and we'd all cut our cloth appropriately. I'm not sure what you'd intend to do, with no expectation of repaying and no access to means tested benefits.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 20/05/2014 22:25

Oh dear hope he comes around. Also not sure how you will repay his debt tbh unless teachers are much better than i think! Have you looked at nursery or childminder prices? You need to factor that in before you make promises of paying the debt back. It might come as a shock if you aren't aware.

cavamonster · 20/05/2014 22:27

We recently moved to complete joint finances, we pool all our cash together, move some out to savings, leave enough to cover the bills and split the rest equally between us.

We don't earn the same money, but we are a partnership, and as such I believe it's nice we can both afford the same amount of fun spends.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 20/05/2014 22:28

I mean repaying the debt after you return to work. A lot of woman works for no actual income when children are pre school age, just to keep the toes in. Even if they break even it is a ver small amount they take home. I do believe as a teacher you should at least break even?

livingzuid · 20/05/2014 22:28

I was very fortunate that my Dh helped me pay off my debts. Well, we are still going but the end is in sight. He saw it as combining our financial power to make headway as how could he relax knowing I was still struggling financially? I know a lot of people would not be like this so I do feel lucky to have someone who is so supportive. I also earn much more so when it gets down to trying to divvy up any money it would be complex. And we trust each other.

nilbyname · 20/05/2014 22:37

Blimey, sounds hideous. It's all shared here, even the 25k inheritance left to DH,he- shock horror-discussed it with me and we decided how to best invest it.

I think you're really framing this all wrong and equate him picking up the finances should have kids as a favour and something you would owe him. Bonkers. Recipie for disaster.

I know very unhappy, unequal marriages like that. It all went to shot after kids and wifey was left penniless.

IMO it's a form of financial abuse and control. Tred carefully.

Original poster
Peonysandblueglass · 21/05/2014 08:03

Wow he has just said he doesn't really want children but will have them so he can be with me I want our child to be wanted :( ohdear this is a can of worms

OP posts:
LIZS · 21/05/2014 08:20

Sounds as if you want different things on different terms, might your relationship already doomed ? A partnership doesn't involve "paying back" , you make decisions collectively and organise and fund childcare collectively. At the moment he seems to have it quite cushy - a laid back lifestyle , a dd he sees as and when but can lead a relaxed and fairly selfish lifestyle otherwise , working pt. A new baby doesn't seem to fit into this :(.

You can have separate accounts for income and personal expenses and a joint one (into which you would each pay a regular amount) for household, baby stuff, holidays but I'm not sure that is what he is expecting or wanting. Incidentally I'm curious as to how you can be a SE nanny as that is a contradiction in terms.

Joysmum · 21/05/2014 08:25

Because being married is committing to being one half of an economic and emotional whole.

In my marriage what's mine is his and what's his is mine. I earnt 6x what he did when we got together, now I'm a SAHM. We've always had the same call on disposable income but don't have a joint bank account because I'm anal with money and he doesn't give it a second thought so we have separate current accounts.

bronya · 21/05/2014 08:27

Our accounts were separate until we had a baby. At that point, all money became 'ours'! DH wasn't keen on having children either, but said ok because that was what I wanted. I knew he'd love them though because he's so good with his niece/nephew - he only didn't want them because he thought he'd not be a good enough father. It totally depends on WHY your DP doesn't want children.

Preciousbane · 21/05/2014 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theDudesmummy · 21/05/2014 08:33

I have not read the whole thread but cannot imagine not combining money. It's our money, not his or mine.

MinesAPintOfTea · 21/05/2014 08:38

Well that makes everything clearer and harder for you. General agreement on the path you will take together through life is pretty vital to a healthy happy marriage, so will you have children (do a lot of the work if he doesn't really want them), not have children or move on?

If he expects to be repaid for any time you spend on maternity leave then the level of support he intend to theoretically offer is pretty low, and people get more selfish when reaching the point of actually making sacrifices. He doesn't even have the excuse of not knowing what it will be like.

Better to find out now than when you're married, have spent nearly all your fertile years waiting for him to be ready etc.

LIZS · 21/05/2014 08:42

If its becaus he just fancies working less hours when he has debts to pay then I worry about his attitude to money generally. Agree this is not a good sign and op implies it is out of choice.

hes 10 years older than me he has worked hard to get to a place where he can afford to work part-time If he still has debt he simply can't afford to continue to do this, especially if you are not able to contribute to the household funds for a while. You may not even qualify for basic Maternity Allowance.

Pagwatch · 21/05/2014 08:51

Gosh, that is a can of worms. Sorry its proving tricky.
But to be honest the relationship boards are filled with women who are traped financially by men who control the money once a child arrives and not agreeing beforehand how this will work makes it impossible.

Just to throw into the mix - dh and I have always pooled everything from when I was earning more than him through to the last 18 years I have been a sahm.
I was due to go back to my job but my son has disabilities. Life can throw difficult times at anyone so having a dh who expects you to manage on maternity leave and pay him back when you go back to work sounds like a fucking nightmare.

I couldn't live being able to afford much more than dh. He couldn't liv being able to afford much more than me. It's all our money. We are partners who want each other to be happy.

TeenAndTween · 21/05/2014 10:54

So glad you started this thread, to get you discussing this stuff before you get married / have children. Don't make any assumptions, talk about things.

Do remember to throw into the discussions what if one of you were made redundant and couldn't immediately find another job.
Oh, and what if your DC is disabled and (one of) you needs to stay at home.

If you are on maternity / being a SAHM you are contributing, just not financially. No way should you be 'paying back'.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 21/05/2014 11:00

We

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 21/05/2014 11:05

Try again

We pool everything

I earn twice what my husband does

We have a similar attitude to debt and finance but if we didn't we should in my mins work to find a common ground

We are a family, I prefer to stick to my vows of what us mine is ours, what is his is ours, I'm no pre empting a divorce, I wouldn't have married a man I couldn't trust to bit be so petty as to penny watch me when I was say on mat leave

However a lot of friends do the independent finances thing, are always skint, buy everything on tick, don't get why we don't split things - because we are a team in every way

At present I earn nothing as on mat leave, it's still all our money, not just DH's

Our savings are joint even though they come from my job predominantly, but I couldn't live with the splitting of finances as my DH makes sacrifices for childcare that means he earns less, usually with kids someone's career has to take a back seat

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 21/05/2014 11:06

Bloody predictive on phone!

Original poster
Peonysandblueglass · 21/05/2014 12:13

Thanks. He said that he would be happy to support me when I have children, that he knows that part of being with me was always going to involve having children I'm just taken aback that he says he isn't fussed if he doesn't have them.
He's depressed at the notion of having to work full time/ be skint.
I just told him that I am glad I know all of this now and left for work. He says that this is a 'real biggie' but I don't know what he was imagining would happen when we had children.
At least there's still time for both of us to get out now.
I like the saying: The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.
Im all stunned and fragile at work today :(

OP posts:
OneLittleToddleTerror · 21/05/2014 12:18

peony I don't know him, but maybe you need to give him a bit of time to digest this? (But not too much time as you don't want to waste all your fertile years on a man who doesn't want children when you clearly want it).

DH isn't keen on a second child because he thinks it'll be really expensive and we can't afford it. But he knows I really really want a second. He got around to it and accepted that it's part of being with me.