Why would anyone combine their money?

[Peonysandblueglass]

Hi Im about to get married, have no DCs.
Dp and I both work, im a full time student so get grants/loans to live on and Im a self employed Nanny so get money for that too.
We both go halves on all of the house hold expenses, we're also both going halves on all wedding costs, if we drive on holiday we go halves on fuel.
I can understand that when i have a baby he will support me because it will be our child.
If we joined our finances as some people seem to, I would feel like I need to justify my luxurious clothing purchases buys to hi
Or i'd be concious of everything I bought.
I like it as we have it as it feels like a power balance.
Is there something I'm missing here? Thanks.

Can he afford to work part time if he has debts he's paying off monthly? Unless mortgage debt only I suppose...

We combine some of our money, but have separate accounts as well. The money is still combined in spirit though - we don't keep track of who pays for what, or lend money to each other. It is just in separate pots for admin/tax/credit reference reasons. I've not worked since we got married, though I have some unearned income but it's much less than DH's salary. We never consult each other on what to buy, at least not for financial reasons.

I don't feel any guilt about treating myself and I don't think about where the money has come from. Our household income is luckily pretty comfortable and that makes things easier, but DH is just generous in nature so would never question my spending and we're both sensible with money so we just don't have any issues with finances at all. My parents and siblings all have combined finances and it's always worked well (no history of relationship breakdowns either.) The only people I know with separate finances are younger friends with no dc, who are co-habiting but not necessarily for the long-term.

I think this is very much down to what works for the individual couple.

We pool everything, but then we live much more simply than most people and neither of us has an expensive hobby that we don't do together. We consult over any purchase that isn't the usual groceries etc. not out of a routine, but because we're always out together and he will tell me if my bum looks big in it.

We pull ours, because I'm terrible with money too and I don't have a bank account. I am paid weekly in an envelope with a payslip in cash and I take £100 to get me through the week and give him the rest to put in his bank account. It builds up into sort of savings so if I need it (usually when my heap needs an MOT) I can get it but other than that it is spent on birthdays and xmas and days out. He makes considerably more than I do so I don't really pay any of the bills but we live fairly cheaply anyway

Ever since my divorce I am of the opinion that co-habiting and/or marriage isn't for me. It isn't a bitter thing, but having lived alone before and after marriage I know what works for me. I will never be financially linked to anyone again.

If I did take the plunge I think I'd rather like Helena Bonham-Carter's set up with adjoining houses. Plenty of space!

When I was married and I cheerfully entered into the whole joint account thing with little regard for the consequences. What a mistake...

Still, I've learned from mine. It's different for everyone though and clearly it works for some couples. I know I could never be comfortable with it again.

I'm divorcing ATM (not to do with money) but I will give my perspective from my marriage.

When I married STBXH we'd already been living together for a bit so I saw marriage as us truly becoming a unit. Part of our vows were "everything I have it share with you" which IMO means that we share money/assets Etc. Interested to know if those of you who don't have joint finances had that in your vows?

I suppose I find it bizarre that some married couples don't share finances because to me that's a big part of what marriage is. The money we earn is OUR money to be spent on enjoying our life together and yes we did earn similar amounts. I don't get the "personal spending money" either, we had joint spending money to be spent on days out and things for ourselves. I can't imagine XH ever having had a go at me for buying too many coffees because he wasn't a twat about money ok he was but in a different way. Similarly, I got pleasure out of him buying things for himself, because you know, he was my husband and I wanted him to be happy.

To the poster who said "it's my money, I earnt it and I will spend it on what I like", I find that attitude very sad and I don't think I'd marry someone who felt like that.

I suppose I see joint accounts as a mark of love, generosity and sharing, qualities that are all very important to me. I don't think I'd marry someone who didn't want a joint account.

"I suppose I see joint accounts as a mark of love"

I don't see money and love as necessarily linked. If I continue to manage some personal spends in an account that I've held since I was 18 it doesn't mean I don't love the person I'm with. Provided I'm chipping in a fair contribution to joint expenses - either to a joint account set up for the purposes or directly - then that's my obligation upheld. I would trust a partner to do the same thing.

The vows say 'everything I have I share'.... Share does not mean handing everything over without a thought

misspenny I have been with DH over 10 years now. He's my only marriage so far.

But I have no idea what's in my vows. I actually am not a marriage person in that I don't believe it is what ties us together. We got married because a lot of the protection re money only comes with marriage. Like widow allowance for our work pensions etc. I viewed it as a registration of interest at the govt office. My parents were witnesses and we went there in our normal clothes.

We have joint accounts for shared expenditure because i think it's the only fair way to the power dynamics of a relationship if the earnings aren't equal. No grovelling to the other half for spending, and nothing about children's spending being mums only etc. We paid half each before children because we earned similar. So we never had the problem of me or DH can afford more toys.

We actually have individual savings. So even though we have joint finances, it's only on the current account. It also makes it easier to pay bills and nursery fees and eating out.

But DH trusts me so I switch his cash ISAs for interests and also select funds to buy in his S&S. But if he wants to take care of that himself, I'm happy he did his own too.

I see nothing wrong marriaged couples having their own money. I just think it's wrong when the earning (or higher earning one) has all the power and throw crumbs over to the other one. It's really comk

Before dcs we never pooled our incomes. We did split everything 50 50.

Once dcs came along we pooled our incomes in a joint account. Much simpler this way. We both work, varying amounts at the moment however and unfortunately don't have a large joint income.

As soon as we are both in full time work again (hopefully soon) we will go back to separate accounts and split everything 50 50.

With Xh, when we first lived together, we had our own accounts and a joint account for bills that we each paid the same amount into each month. After we got married and had a joint mortgage and i had DD, we had just one joint account that everything went into. It just made sense and made everything a lot easier.

Due to him having previously been bankrupt though, all credit cards and savings were in my name, so that he couldn't spend it all!

I think that you have to do what is right for you. I never felt comfortable spending money on hair or clothes when i was working part time as I didn't feel that I was earning the money to pay for it and that it would be spending XH's money on myself and there wasn't much to go round anyway!

If I ever marry or co-habit again, I will keep finances separate and have one joint billing account.

24 years married. We have always maintained our own bank accounts. We have never had a row about money. I earn 1/10 of my DH's income. It has never been a problem.

When we got married I was the one with the capital and the assets. When I stopped working when DC came along I had a big enough cushion to buy what we needed every month from food, to sheets/pillow cases, children's shoes and clothes, activities, etc. I used to put all the receipts in a little box and at the end of the month DH used to give me a cheque. He never ever questioned what was spent. Big things, obviously, we discussed, things like new curtains, sofa, holiday, car etc., essentials like replacing the dishwasher/washing machine we didn't.

Likewise I have never questioned anything he has spent although if I am fair and entirely honest he doesn't always discuss big purchases with me but it has never bothered me, probably because he would never make a rash decision or spend money on anything stupid. It helps that neither of us are the last of the big spenders.

We keep our finances separate. I've worked diligently and consistently for 30 years and my income is variable but steady within reasonable margins. He can have months where he earns barely a penny and I have to pay up to 80% of the household bills. Since my choices were less exciting (steady boring work) but have resulted in more stability, I prefer to keep the fruits of that decision for myself and DC. Leaving aside the fact that I will meet 100% of any household bills that he can't divide with me if he's got no money, I am quite happy to let him reap the results of his choices by not sharing my disposable income with him.

Just to make that sound a bit less horrible, neither of us spends a great deal on personal stuff, so it's not like I'm swanning in with bags from Harrods and he's patching a pair of trousers. Most of my disposable income in practice goes on a couple of piano lessons a month for me and weekly saxophone lessons for DS. In fact, DH buys a lot more clothes, albeit inexpensive stuff like Uniqlo and Zara, than I do, but if that boosts his self-esteem (which can take a bit of a battering in the face of his wobbly finances), I'm OK with that. Better for our marriage, and probably better for his finances, IMO, as self-esteem is almost certainly connected to success in his case.

MissPennySweet - just because a couple have their own bank accounts and not a joint one doesn't mean that they don't share finances. At the moment DH is earning about 3x my wage. Last year I was the main wage earner. It still feels the same. He pays for more stuff than me and we discuss money when we need to.

At the moment we are working to save for a bigger house or pay off our mortgage. A shared goal that we are both contributing towards - he just happens to be contributing a lot more that me at the moment!

We have our own bank accounts but all money is shared wherever it comes from.
So dh has dd into my account every month and that pays for everything except utilities. I have the tc and cb as well and manage the household finances.
I have pin numbers and internet passwords for his account and transfer money between the 2 accounts when needed.
If theres a large purchase some comes from each account.
We like it as we still get independance from each other but the money is combined.
We had a joint account but it was too much to mess with, so we just have the 2 personal and one business account now.

Joint bank accounts is a red herring. We have completely pooled finances but we have never ever got round to opening joint accounts.

I dont work but i have a joint account with dh,if i worked,whatever i earn would go into it and treated as our money.

I dont feel like i have to ask for or justify anything i buy to dh,and neither does he.I see it as my money as much as his,we are married,it my money too.

Maybe if things were tighter it would be different but i still dont think i would want to split everything.

DH and I are a team. I enable him to work by looking after our child. He does work which is paid, I do work which isn't paid yet both our efforts have equal status. Therefor we share any money. It is our money just as the kids and house are ours.

I do not even know how much my DH earns (and vice versa).

We have not discussed money since we moved in together 13 years ago. Way back then we decided to split the bills (ie: I pay gas he pays food) and that is how it has remained. For the kids we try (ish) to keep it fair (ie I will do the uniform shop he will do the summer clothes shop). For Xmas I will give him a list with 1/2 of what we need to buy. Holidays we split the cost (ish)....

I do not need nor want his money. He can spend his money on whatever he likes and so can I. We both buy large purchases regularly without discussing it with each other.... 'asking' if I could spend such and such would kill me.

However, we are lucky that we both earn good money. So money in general hasn't been an issue for a while.

Pre marriage we had separate accounts and paid 50/50 on all the bills as neither expected the other to subsidise them. After marriage, we bought a house and with joint bills it was easier to have one accont. Neither way is better and i'd be happy with either. If not working, i'd be very reluctant to share accounts likewise if i had a partner that didnt work.

Thanks everyone, I am happy for us to continue as we are, because I was bought up by a single parent I've spent my life ignorant of how it work for nuclear families! I like the idea of remaining seperate until we have children I don't want to take on his debts because he has no interest in clearing them.
I dream of being financially free one day and him and I are both quite bad with money which is another reason why I think I've just watched my own back financially.
I would hate to be pressured into going back to work before I was ready but I don't know how I could expect him to repay my loans/cred cards/car insurance whilst I'm on maternity leave? Sorry still bit confused!

I would hate to be pressured into going back to work before I was ready but I don't know how I could expect him to repay my loans/cred cards/car insurance whilst I'm on maternity leave?

That's why it's so important to have a financial discussion before children. Like it or not, you'll become reliant on your partner. Either while on maternity leave (more so), or after you return to work. Most likely some sacrifice has to be made career wise to look after the children. It could be both, if you both want to take a less high power job so you can share the responsibility. (That's what DH and I decided. He adamantly does not want to be an absent father). Who's going to pay for all the childcare, clothes, toys, etc.

I think many of us are trying to be helpful and let you see you do have to think about it before hand. It's much easier to stay independent before children.

We only at the moment have the one account which is in both our names. Everything that comes in we see as 'our' money. We are working to a point financially where we can allocate even amounts of pocket money but we can't afford it right now. Soon I will be the sole earner whilst Dh stays with the baby and I don't see it as my salary at all. It's ours. If the situation was reversed and I was at home he would see it the same way.

If we need to buy clothes etc or any purchase beyond normal bills we talk about it. I do manage to squirrel away about 5 euro a week though to save and get him Christmas and birthday presents :)

It was the opposite with my X and I hated it. He was very controlling with money and it was what was his and what was mine. The joint account was for bills only. Even though we earnt the same he would keep a tally of what he felt he had contributed to. To me a partnership is that, a partnership. Including finances. It never felt like we were a team working together to achieve financial goals together.

It's completely the opposite with my now dh. Everyone is different. I know my mum prefers to keep her own money separate which is borne out of the fact that my dad was so manipulative with money while they were together and she often hand very little for housekeeping.

I have just had a long talk with my fiance about the inevitability of my being dependant upon him during at least the first year of the lives of our dc's.
We agreed that we don't want to be paying off each others debts and I would pay him back any money hed payed during the time i wasnt working.
He was worried that hed have to go back to scrimping and scraping or even worse, working full time (this depresses him immensely) when we have children.
I said that I could work as a part time teacher and he could too and share child care.
I cant stand the idea of not working and having my own money.
Its good this thread has encouraged us to talk about it hes gone off to think im thinking aswel the prospect of finaly taking the bull by the horns and paying off our debts will be a great thing