A record to remind me that it is that bad and I need to leave asap

[inacompletepickle]

he bit my face-8 yrs ago
he uses his size to intimidate me- blocking my way but never hitting since he bit me
he name calls
he is financially abusive
he disregards my views/feeling
he has isolated me from family
he is controlling
he undermines me
he gaslights me
he uses the fact I suffered a horendous childhood where I was abused as a threat to get custody of my kids
he is a bully
he is a manipulator and a liar
he blames me for everything
he questions me-ive taken too long to wash a cup, I shouldnt have used the pedestrian crossing, I cant make toast
he makes me feel like I cant do anything
he tells me im the abuser
this is a reminder to give me the hope and strength to leave

I wish you continued hope, strength and success in leaving your abuser.

Can you tell us what your practical plans are to leave this abusive nightmare ?

im going to kick him out of my house. joint tenancy council house. I might need an injuction or police to force him out. I am overwhelmed but I know I can get him out for good. I dont want my kids turning out to be like him. my priority is protect my kids-that means he needs to leave. I have a week where he is away next week. this is my chance to seek advice and plan. I have to get through a trip away with him(cant postpone as it is to see my family who know I am leaving him).

I wish you well

I do too, but I'd also say hide your internet history. A lot of these men seem to sense when you've made up your mind to go.

thank you.

I will hide history. I am trying to act normal but hes asked me if im okx3, told me he doesnt want to go away as he'll miss me etc tonight.

I wish I could seperatd

clumsy fingers

I wish I could seperate from him while he was away then he could move out while me and the kids are away but I couldnt trust him not to trash the hse or be vindictive.

guess best plan would be to ask him to leave when we return from my trip to see family. then I can supervise him leaving and make sure he doesnt damage anything

Sounds like you'll need someone with you on 'eviction' day. Do you have any support lined up?

You need someone else with you to "supervise " his leaving. Who would that be ?

it would probably have to be the police. I dont have friends that would be able to help in that way. ive got a work friend who is aware of things but I wouldnt ask her to be there when he leaves.
im trying to distance myself from him emotionally and physically as I need to stay angry at him otherwise he will minamalise it.

If you haven't already, please talk to someone like Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and also contact the police DV unit on the non-emergency number 101. They can give you practical advice on how to get yourself out safely and quickly. It may be that you have to consider refuge as a first step rather than bank on getting him out of the house.

im definetly going to talk to womens aid today if I can at work or wed when im childfree and hes away. ive read about refuges but I dont think I qualify as he only bit me once.

Once is one time too many. He bit you in order to terrorise you into submission .... hasn't done it since because he's used other methods to achieve the same thing.

Either way he has a history of violence, is still extremely aggressive & intimidating and you're about to ask him to leave and hope he cooperates. Abusive bullies are at their most dangerous when backed into a corner, knowing the game is up. Refuge may or may not be appropriate but that's why you need to take advice and let others know what you're about to do.

Of course you qualify. He's fucking dangerous. Please don't think it's not bad enough for a refuge.

The very next time he becomes aggressive, call the police immediately. Tell them the history. They will remove him. Make sure you tell them how frightened you are and that you think he will harm you. Ensure that they take a statement. Then contact your HA and tell them what has happened. On your tenancy there is a get out clause along the lines of them being able to evict any tenant that engages in unlawful behaviour (that's him and you now have a police serial number to prove it). With any luck the CPS will take the case forward adding further weight to your case with the HA, they did with me.

This is what worked for me. It's so hard and reading what I have written might make you feel like you can't do that, but you can. This person needs to go, your life is jail while you are with him. I did all of the above and now I am single and not afraid of my ex anymore.

thank you for your replies. it makes things feel more possible when people are recognising things rather than minamalising. the other day I asked my sister if it was ok for me to buy food shopping on the internet. I did it but he wasnt happy as he likes to control what is bought. I used my bank account but he gave me so much stress. my sister must have thought I was weird for not knowing I was allowed to do it

It's indicative of how bad things are when you have to check with someone if it's OK to use your own money to buy food for your family. I know you realise his behaviour is disgusting but I think you won't realise just how appalling it is until you are out of the environment. You're going to need a lot of help coming to terms with this abuse so please don't delay. Get that help, go to a refuge and do whatever it takes to start putting you and your family on the path to a better future

I agree with Cogito that a refuge would be best for you & DC, at least short term, because of the way it will give you rapid access to support systems. Living with a bully makes you feel dis-entitled to things other folks take for granted: internet grocery shopping is quite an extreme example of this. Some time away from home, in a supportive and realistically helpful environment, will help you re-adjust more quickly. It will also keep you safe whilst he gets his head round the fact you've opened your cage.

Start with phone calls to WA and the police. You're almost there! Please, do keep listening to Mumsnetters who've done exactly what you're about to do :) They're brilliant, aren't they?!

mnetters are great! the advice and hand holding is a lifeline when u feel alone. everything is starting to sink in. i feel adrenalin pumping through me. im on a countdown now to a life were we dont walk on eggshells and i dont make decisions/change my behaviour to please him

hugs. stay strong. :)

chilling to read all the info on the womens aid and recognise his behaviour in so many points.
over the last few months i dont know how many times ive read those pages.
i know i have the strength to leave its just finding that courage to act on those plans. i left when he bit me. i spent nearly 2 yrs seperated from him but i went back.im not the same person as i was back then. now im stronger and a mother.

Don't wait for courage before you act. Hold your nose, jump in, act first, get safe, and the courage will find you.

Yes, ring WA and talk it through with them. The very best of luck. He sounds hideous.

Confused about the 'get custody' bit of your OP - was this when you left him before? I take it they are with you both now?

Don't hesitate to call the police at any time if you're scared, not or on The Day. Better to be safe than sorry.

He made threats against me saying if i leave him then he will say i am mad and call childrens services to remove kids from me and give him custody. that threat used to scare me however i am a good mum and that would not happen. it is a threat he attempts to use as control over me.

im on the countdown. i know what ive got to do. i am waiting for when he goes away in 2 days then i have the freedom to get sorted. thank you for all the advice and support, i truly appreciate your wisdom.

Glad you have seen through that threat. He sounds deranged. Good luck.