A record to remind me that it is that bad and I need to leave asap

[inacompletepickle]

he bit my face-8 yrs ago
he uses his size to intimidate me- blocking my way but never hitting since he bit me
he name calls
he is financially abusive
he disregards my views/feeling
he has isolated me from family
he is controlling
he undermines me
he gaslights me
he uses the fact I suffered a horendous childhood where I was abused as a threat to get custody of my kids
he is a bully
he is a manipulator and a liar
he blames me for everything
he questions me-ive taken too long to wash a cup, I shouldnt have used the pedestrian crossing, I cant make toast
he makes me feel like I cant do anything
he tells me im the abuser
this is a reminder to give me the hope and strength to leave

got two weeks off work. now I just have to stay strong and not back down

Excellent. You're halfway there now, having that time is going to invaluable

I'm anxious for you to get away safely. He has escalated to assaulting you in sleep now it seems, if i read it right back up-thread somewhere. Some might call it rape. I think you should speak to the DV unit and keep on at WA ...

dont know what to do.

yesterday he asked me what was wrong. he caught me off guard. i said i wasnt happy and wanted him to leave. he said he was shocked and devastated. i told him i had booked time off work to sort out him leaving. he said he would go to anger management and counselling. he said he would do anything for me and the kids.

i feel so confused. guilty and confused. he said if the anger management doesnt work he will leave.
is he just pacifying me? would you tolerate this? can he change? i cried last night i backed down and i worry cos i dont believe he can change. im such a loser

He won't change.
You're not a loser, you just dropped your guard temporarily and he sucked you back into the cycle for a while. Forgive yourself and keep moving forward.

my sister told me she observed him undermining me constantly when we stayed with her. i told her that was him on a good day. him behaving himself

he told me he was going to anger management for me. he doesnt think hes got a problem does he. i dont believe him. i dont believe he will change. he asked my son if his daddy is angry. my son said yes. he promised he would change. i think he said that to make me believe him. he made me question myself when i said he was controlling.

pickle this is getting worse and worse. He's going on and on at you in a frightening way to wear you down and down. He's even involving your son in his barrage of noise and you know what? This is all control, control, control ...

Stop telling him anything other than "it's over". You're finishing off the job he's started of tearing "you" apart when your mind races in disastrous circles. Anything you say will be turned against you but dressed up as a false promise. For now. He'll get tired of the endless promises and I'm scared of what he'll do next. Please keep trying WA.

I think in my head i believe this relationship is abusive but i dont realise how bad it is not completely.

he is making promises and being nice to control me. just like you said its about control. ive fallen for the same tricks.

what happens about a childs schooling if they live in a refuge? I have to accept I might have to go to a refuge to escape him.

I am wishing you all the luck and I know you will be happier without this violent bully in your life.
HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
Don't listen to the false promises anymore. I think you know that he won't change, but your in the last stage of getting out and you are probably scared of disobeying him. This is what you've been trained to do for years, obey him. Try and keep your mind focused on either you leaving or getting support to get him out.

Get out and don't look back. Refuges can be anywhere. You could get one near enough to your child's school that you could commute to if they have places come up, but he would know where you were then. Otherwise the refuge supports you with getting children school places and supporting you with everything. If it's just because you are sure you couldn't get him to leave and you can't face that struggle, it's probably worth being the one to leave. As long as you get out of this horrible situation. Best of luck.

Report his abuse of you, speak to DV team.

The council have a duty to protect their tenants from abuse. Tell them you are being abused and ask them to help.

I think you're right to consider the Refuge as a strong possibility; in truth I don't think there would be any loss in leaving the area should it come to that.

Tellanovella's words and insights are extremely wise imo

I'm so wishing you courage, pickle!

Thank you for your continued support and handholding.

I feel mixed up at the moment. I want him to leave but its getting him to go. then the next moment I think if me and the kids leave then it may be better.i just want to be free. im going round in circles.

one good thing is I told work. ive never come as far as this before. most mornings I say ive had enough to myself but by the evening I think oh its ok now. not any more.

I realised today that I never buy milk for the office when its our teams turn. I had convinced myself it was me being lazy but really its because I either dont have any money in my purse or because I am scared of using the couple of pounds if im lucky enough to have it.

This is no way to live. I manage great without him.

I understand exactly what you mean and the confusion is natural.
In an ideal he would do the decent thing and leave and save you and your children the upheaval. From how you've described him, he doesn't sound the type to go quietly.
I think that you would feel braver going to a Refuge with you and your children. You get away without having to face him. You need a break from all this and not a struggle. At the end of the day you fear him. Refuges give you so much support and help you in every way. I think you need that level of support right now for you and your children.
Make the right decision for you.

Of course you're mixed up, that's how he wants you to be and he has 'trained' you to behave how he wants you to. It is disgusting of him to involve your son, disgusting and abusive and damaging.

Whether or not he goes to anger management (I'm willing to bet he won't actually go) he needs to leave you alone while he works on himself or you need to leave with the children. He is not safe to be around. He really is not. He is making promises he won't keep in order to ensure everything remains the same. Don't believe him, don't stop what you're doing, keep preparing to go.

Well done for telling work. That's a big step and much progress.

Keep trying WA. It can be dispiriting when it's hard to get through, but it's worth it.

you are all right. I agree he wont put any effort into anger management if he goes. last time when he bit me he attended 2 sessions and felt it helpful yet he has carried on. his words mean nothing.

He is putting me under so much pressure. being nice and talking about us getting married. he is a silly man. these are all tactics to shut me up and make me feel like he is a good man. he is a terrible partner and dad awful and vile. I want my kids to feel secure, safe and valued. I want them to have a childhood where they feel confident and happy.

I am trying hard to get through to wa. I am struggling to get time to make phone calls in private. im not giving up.

im edging out. spoke to him again this morning. I asked him to stay elsewhere while he gets anger management. he said no- if he is moving out its for good. he told me hes changed. I said he cant change overnight. I told him to stop talking about marriage or asking for sex.

he said he is realising there is a problem with his anger. he also tried to turn things on me. aparently no-one will be happy if he leaves. he is doing hsework. this is not him.

he is trying to convince me he is sorted. its rubbish - lies and an attempt to make me feel guilty and to blame. he said if he went to his mums then theres no point getting anger management.

he wont change. he is using every trick in the book to manipulate me

Domestic abuse is not about anger, it's about attitudes and entitlement. Anger management won't 'cure' this.

Do you know about the abuse cycle?

He is trying to suck you back under his control probably promising you things that you used to say you wanted and he sadistically denied you. This is called 'hoovering'.

I bet he has no intention of moving out for good, he's confident he can get you back in line again.

Finding out who your local DV unit is and getting through to May speed things up.

So there's financial abuse too?

You can also ring the police non-emergency number, 101, and ask for their DV unit. They'll take note of your details and put a 'flag' on it so that should anything worse happen they'll respond quicker. Worth doing that as well as WA. You will need to have his behaviour logged with the police anyway, as it will help when it comes to contact. More chance of getting it supervised - which is what is needed - if the police have noted it.

Probably a good idea to see a solicitor.

just read abit about hoovering. that is what hes doing to me.

I know about the abuse cycle. I know there is less time between incidents.

Yes there is financial abuse too. Ive hidden money and my bank card.

so ive found local number but it says domestic violence must be primary issue?

Hi, I haven't posted before but have read your thread. In answer to your last question, domestic abuse includes financial, emotional, sexual and physical abuse, so you definitely have DV as a primary issue. Please call them ASAP.
Good luck xxxxx

OP - if you are living in fear, if your dc are living in fear, then you are being abused. You are frightened of him; the kids are frightened of him. this is DV.

Tell him to go (the 'I'll go for ever!' is a tactic to push you onto the back foot - of course he doesn't need to go forever.) If he gets anger management counselling and becomes a decent human being, then maybe you can reconsider.

But he sorts himself out FIRST, after you leave/he leaves, not after/whilst you are coerced into staying.

LJL, emotional abuse and financial abuse are forms of domestic violence.

In fact, some people believe they are the worst form of dv as nothing shows, no visible marks. And visible marks heal, mainly.

Be in no doubt, you are suffering DV.