Dating thread 75

[DeliberatelyDreaming]

For everyone OLD or even RL dating. Tell us your stories, share your woe's and get and give support.

Why. Does he have to be so nice I'd put something on face book last night an innocent comment about broken suitcase before I go on holiday , just saying how typical it was x message this am saying I've left a big hold all in your garage hope you can fit all your stuff in it I know u don't travel light!
Hope that's ok
Lovely gesture especially as I was going to take stuff in bin liner x

Morning all - mumsnet newbie, 43 with 1dd (7) 50/50 custody though currently almost full time due to ex's medical issues. Came looking for ideas for day out, stumbled on your thread and spent the last hour reading the trials and tribulations.
Debated starting own thread for my question but this seemed like the place for it - started OLD in January (previous date in 1999) - 4 first dates, 1st good but no chemistry, 2nd awful, 3rd and 4th good. Have had second dates with 3 and 4 and now in dilemma. Dating both seems wrong but too early to have any kind of "where is this going?" talk with either - is there any way of subtly finding out what they are thinking ?

Sorry - if it makes a difference, I'm a bloke and they are girls/women (understand that that distinction is a whole other debate)

Folk, thank you I think you're right he's not a bastard and yes this woman has thrown a huge spanner into the works. I started dating him in September, it was a very slow start just the odd date or message but we started seeing each other on a more regular basis just before Christmas. Tbh I knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere, neither of us used the L word, we hadn't met each other's families and our time together was limited due to his work, basically he is working 7 days per week just now. I was waiting on his locum contract ending then was going to have a talk with him about where our relationship was going, but he beat me to it. But , we did enjoy each other's company did share a real closeness and affection and I'm going to miss that. He is the first person I've been with since splitting from my ex. He didn't promise me anything, we didn't call each other BF &GF but it hurts so much nonetheless. I wish he'd acted differently towards me in the last few weeks then it wouldn't have been such a shock, :( x

Well I passed my exam :-) so I'm feeling a lot more positive about everything today for that reason. But I texted him to tell him I'd passed and he's not replied! :-( well I suppose it's shown me that he really is done with me, part of me did want to hope that we could still see each other occasionally. But if he's not interested in if I passed then....

SO onwards and upwards. I'd deleted my profile from POF which was where I met him, I think I'm going to join another one, what's tinder like anyone? I don't want to have to pay match prices, so free is good.

steel I really feel for you, he sounded lovely and I can see how he wanted to just enjoy what he probably knew was his last night with you. Probably a reason it was so intense if he knew what was coming....

But someone else said before it could be worse wondering why they've gone cold, for weeks I've been wondering if I'm imagining if he's got a bit cooler with me or not. At least you know now, you can move on. Onwards & upwards :-) x

steel It means he never let go of his own past and learnt his lesson to move on. In a way, it gives us an opportunity to clean out the emotional closet so to speak until we find someone else.

That man is despicable ! Let's be honest here... don't be friends with him. Even Dr can be emotionally manipulative too, and he has done so here. You cannot be "friends", and that is just Disney talk. Once you gone past holding hands, or kissing, there is no more "being friends". And "dating" is really a case of "I am confused and want to take things slow because I do not feel confident about having relationship skills any more." During that time, he should make every effort to get to know you as a person, know what you are like, what makes you tick, and please you and so forth. If he has not done that, then ditch.

We are grown up, but we still need company, and if the person cannot even build up from friendship to begin with, then he is hardly relationship material to be honest...

Chick Well done !!! So pleased for you, get out and celebrate (if your Ex is still away can you get a sitter) Take this as a fresh start yes onwards and upwards is the only way
I suppose the suddenness of all of this has been upsetting for me but yeah at least I know, better that than wondering why he's gone cold.

Maisie, I honestly don't think he is despicable or manipulative. He has been honest with me and TBH I always knew it wouldn't last but I always thought we would be friends. He really poured his heart out to me l I think he has to follow his heart and see if it works out with this woman or he would always wonder if they would have worked and our relationship would be domed anyway. I don't know I may be wrong my friend says I always see the good in people, maybe this is my downfall

I don't know Steelchic... I don't know if the harsher way is indeed the nicer way or if being so open and vulnerable is good. Because it is hardly fair, and the person left with the broken heart always will be the one who would be hurt. He should know better. He really should.

allnewtome You got to ask yourself which one you have affection and emotions for. This is why I do not serial date. If I lost out, then I lost out, and the experience should sharpen my judgement.

Even I don't do serial dating. And the other thing is that, the intimacy can only get better if you do choose to spend time with the chosen person. And if there are obstacles, then slow it down, and take time to deal with it and come to a win-win situation. Does it matter what each of them is thinking ? I normally ask about the situation and about the person as well to see what they want from life and where they want to go and see if I can be a better match for the so said person too. That is how I normally choose. Having less obstacles in both of your life will mean a better chance of working things out to be honest.

I know Maisie, but at least I know and he didn't drag it out for months, hoping I'd get fed up and break it off with him. (like my ex did he made me miserable for months, hoping I would break up with him, then after a period of time his GF would appear and it would be a case of "well you kicked me out so I've moved on" At least its happened before I fell too deeply for him. As it is I'm a bit bruised but I'll get over it, just gonna miss his friendship more than anything :( x

Allnew, have you asked either of them what they are looking for? Have you stated what you are looking for? A good way to let them know you are multi-dating is to say you want to keep things casual for now. If they are not keen on that they will bow out. Personally I think two dates is too soon to choose from two interesting people. If you aren't having sex with either of them yet then you're not doing anything 'wrong'.

allnewtome Hello and welcome!

I don't know, I think you can probably go to a fifth date (without sex) before you have to make a decision. I don't think it's on to be sleeping with 2 people at once, or making any sort of emotional declarations either.

I find that the 'what are you looking for' chat is a pretty good one to have very early on (first or second date even). I was always honest that I was looking for a 'boyfriend' but not a 'partner'; so someone I could go on dates with, laugh with, hold hands with, have sex with, even fall in love with, but I wasn't looking for someone to move into my family or my life. I'm not interested in conversations about whether the guttering has been cleaned or whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher or not. I wanted it to be like it was when I was 17 - all of the fun and none of the responsibility...

Someone ended it with me because he did want all of that; but I also didn't get past a second date with someone who told me he didn't want to be monogamous and that wasn't ok with me.

If you're all honest about it, that works pretty well. So I would open it up from that; "so what were you looking for from OD?" type question.

chick Well done!! Onwards and upwards now. Are you celebrating

Maisie0 What should he have done then? He'd have had to end it with Steel at some point. Either that, or continue seeing her when his heart was no longer in it and deny her the opportunity of finding someone who really wants her; or carry on seeing her whilst withdrawing emotionally and torturing her with all the worry about what she'd done wrong and why he'd gone cold. Of course the person who is left will always be the one who is hurt but there's no way of avoiding that.

Thanks Folk, I honestly don't think he's a bad person. He's the most gentle, loving and thoughtful man I've been with. These are the qualities I found attractive in him. Part of me hopes it doesn't work out with this woman and he's left thinking "what could have been with Steel" but the other part of my wants him to be happy.

maiseO, niceup and folkgirl - thank for your thoughts - quite a range of views

Am not sleeping with either (and wouldn't expect to for some time), but even without that I don't feel multi-dating is for me (bit old fashioned I guess). I never intended to be a serial dater but it was some weeks leading up to dates with the first 2 from OLD which then came to nothing so I didn't expect to have an issue chatting on line with two different people as my expectations of getting to a second date with either were very low

Problem As you say niceup two dates is too early to chose, but I guess collectively from your answers a reasonable approach may be one more date with each - be clear on what I'm looking for and see how they reciprocate and then decide what to do - problem is that its going to take weeks to set up and see through and I'm sure I'll change my mind a dozen times in the mean time !!

Folk To me, it did not seem like he was indeed all there for dating to begin with. As harsh as it sounds, if you never let go of your past, then why continue to try and "make" someone fit and be someone who was in their past? You cannot be with someone in order to "move on". It doesn't work like that. That is why people end up in these perpetual chain of dating and ditching and dating again... continually, which depletes us as human.

I know I sound cynical here, but yes, it does upset me to see another broken heart to be honest.

I think I'm going against the general consensus here but if I'd had a date with someone and I asked about a second date and she said she had a couple of other dates lined up, I'd feel like making her mind up for her and wish her luck.
Have I got that one completely wrong?
I'm not possessive or anything but I wouldn't like to feel like I'm a piece of fruit in a shop getting squeezed and poked to see if I'm worth getting.

Actually, it's probably the wrong analogy that. Ok, a better one would be treating it like a job interview. If at the end of it, the interviewer said, "we'll let you know but we've got a few other people to see", that's fair enough. But dating someone must surely be a bit more personal than that!!!

I agree with Neil.

Plus... I hate to say this steel, I really do, but is there any chance that the man you've been seeing is married or living with someone? I only ask because of what you said about the locum stuff and you never being able to see him at weekends - and now that's come to an end and he's finished it. I dunno. It just feels to me like there's more to it.

Please don't be upset, it's just a feeling I have.

Talisa, no he's not married he's going through a nasty and horrible seperation from a long term partner. Ive been to his house on many occasions. The locum work he does is genuine, i don't want to give too much away as you never know who could be lurking or even posting on this thread, (patients /co Wolkers ) i know 100% he is not lying About either of these things. As he put it its a twist of fate That has brought this woman back into his life x

Neil I completely agree with your analogy for real world dating - i.e. someone you know and the date it to turn a friendship/acquaintance into something else. It just somehow seems different with OLD - several references in this thread to it being a numbers game. The first date (or two or three) seem to be more about getting to know the person to then start dating on the truer sense after that

Fair enough steel

I think both approaches are in operation on OLD. It does feel like a numbers game to me. There are so many that just disappear or don't take it further. Or are players.
I think it would be simpler if there was just one way, that's why it feels like such a minefield.

Date 1 & 2 are still in touch with me. I think they've decided my friendship is better than no contact. They know I'm not interested in a relationship with them. Is this ok, not ok or just odd?? Or am I naive?

Sorry to hear of your bad news Steelchic
Just think of it as his loss and another mans gain in the long run
I though you acted with the upmost integrity Im sure you will find someone who deserves youx

thanks goodguy11 x hows thins with you x