Being DRY

[Bigglesfliesundone]

This is the fourth thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol completely.

It's an arduous path at times, but we're still here!

We know how easy it is to slip, and how hard it can be to stay on the road, but we also know that we can't drink 'just one'.

The thread motto is 'Watch the film to the end'

Come and have a coffee!

Thank for being kind. I feel so wretched. I know what happened, I was lulled into a sense of security by my 200 odd days sober. I had forgotten that feeling of helplessness when you know you shouldn't drink any more, but you really really want to...

I forgot that I cant drink like a normal person.

I think im craving the "smoothing of the edges" that happens when you are drunk - the forgetting that the beds need changing and the chickens need cleaning out. I just want to drop all the responsibility and be carefree.

so day one again. I picked it up on May 29th - exactly 7 months and one day after I stopped. Then had 5 dry days Mon- Fri last week; then drank again yesterday :-(

PS Im a clinician too.

Sorcha [massive hug]. I am so glad to see you again, and sorry that you feel bad about lapsing. You've said that things have been tough and you've managed to stay sober through lots of things, so you will again. We started off together and we'll carry on together. Don't flagellate yourself, it's done and can't be undone. Just keep in your mind how it felt drinking and how it felt not.

You can do it xx

Had a few miserable days myself, totally fed up on Friday and cried a lot. Not running still as am determined my leg will be fully healed and also heard that an ex friend who hurt me very badly and deserves totally bad karma to smite her (nasty cow, me! but she was vile) has has yet more good fortune, which started to eat me up. Waste of energy and time I know, so I did some straight talking to myself and am trying to let it go

exciting night on Wednesday. Our neighbour went into labour and I had to dash round at 3am and hold the fort with their little boy! She had the baby 2 hours later[s. Most thrilling thing that's happened in weeks!

Work mad, but a distraction! beautiful day so am in the garden. Went to see my mother today. As Forrest gump would say 'and that's all I have to say about that'....

love to everyone x

hello all.
sorry for being absent lately. Still af here - just! 6 weeks now.
However feeling very rubbish. so low and just had a vile week. Totally overwhelemd and fed up
things really bad between dh and i - not sure ir is even salvageable really...
so nearly went and bought a bottle of wine last night, but i didnt so at least that is positive.
will try and post more and nc when my head is in a bette rplace.

Sorcha I'm so sorry to hear about yesterday. Do you need to go back to day 1? That sounds so harsh when you had already achieved 7 months and if it isn't going to happen again then does it matter in the grand scheme of things? Just a thought.

hyperhops, so sorry to hear that, but bloody well done for abstaining. Easiest thing to do is think 'sod it'.

Life is so hard at times and the choices we make are so difficult - I could be easily be Mrs smug - had one lapse at Xmas but none since, but I have given in to smoking once and come so so close to chucking it all away and opening a drink or six. Nothing amazing about me that I didn't and I may one day, especially if my stupid leg doesn't sort itself out.

I agree sorcha, don't start from day one, just take the days off.

Summer is the bloody pits for nondrinkers too. I was invited to a reunion last night with some old friends, and I just couldn't go. Our friendships, many years ago (!) were purely based on drinking and taking drugs, and I know they all still do both, so what would I do? sit there with my bottle green chatting about my running??

Lovely day today to sit outside with a g and t and a fag too. I crave 'just one' of each, but hahaha, that would happen!

I hope everyone is OK. Am following you all xxx

First time poster here and so relieved to have found you all. I have been lurking for sometime, aware that so much of what has been expressed resonates with my unhealthy, two decade long relationship with booze. I haven't experienced a crisis as such but realise I under achieve probably in all areas of my life, financially am under pressure and am deeply ashamed as I desperately pile on more and more makeup in an attempt to cover up swollen purple eyelids. Have also piled on weight - was a size 8 aged 20 am now a size 14-16 aged 40. Have had many periods of cutting down and abstinence lasting days rather than weeks. Feeling dreadful today. Have spent whole day hungover and unable to function. I have 3 small boys and haven't been able to take them out in this beautiful weather so feelings of guilt and self loathing in addition to feeling very unwell. On a positive note, your stories and resolve have inspired me and I would love to join you all in a life of sobriety......

welcome passion! we're all in the same boat and nothing but supportive, so leap on board! (cheesy )

Cheesy, maybe, but true!! Lovely support and hand-holding on this thread.

I always thought beautiful summer days were the worse in terms of self-loathing and regret. Because they SHOULD be so perfect, yet are ruined by hangovers etc. As if the contrast between 'normal people' and my life was thrown into even sharper contrast…. Somehow always found myself feeling most shitty on those sunny days before I kicked the booze.

Massive welcome to you Passion and please believe me when I say if I can do it so can you . If you have been lurking for a while then hopefully you'll have seen some of our stories. This wretched condition creeps up on you slowly, but steadily. I remember only too well the mornings attempting to make my face look vaguely normal so I could fake not having a hangover. It's a wretched life, but it doesn't have to be like that.

Takes effort, but is SOOOOOOO worth it.

Thank you Biggles and Merce! The start of something new and an amazing thought that I won't ever have another awful day like today! Can't wait for a hangover free morning tomorrow.

Hello everyone. Sorcha - so, so sorry to read how you are feeling but you are amazing and an inspiration:please don't think you've 'thrown away' the last 7 months, what you have done is incredible. You have given yourself an amazing gift of 7 months sobriety, I hope you will be able to see this as a small blip that you will stride through. Fingers crossed.

Day 7 for me and I have both caved in and triumphed. Don't really know how to put it - I survived (indeed, I smashed!) the two tricky social nights and stuck to my af guns - plus a garden party this pm. It was - dare I say it - a breeze. But I got my comeuppance when i got home today - hot, horrible, too much to do, end of the week feeling and I mindlessly (but deliberately) reached for a bottle of wine - and opened it. It was simultaneously lovely, tempting and awful - it felt very much like being on the brink of something irrevocable. I had a couple of sips - and threw it away. So I think I am going to count it as a victory of sorts - and, if you will let me, stick with my day 7 rather than setting the clock back to day 1. If you think that is cheating I will of course go back to the beginning. But I am pleased to have weathered the storm and not drunk the bottle (and its friend). Though I have consumed another packet of Revels instead.

Hope everyone has had lovely sunny weekends.

Not cheating in my book, Scarf. I have had days like that which I also see as a victory.

Just dropping in and out, my DFriend is still here and so far am going well.

Sorcha also, agree- not back to Day 1. How depressing. Take the day off. 7 months is not easily thrown away, and nor should it be. :)

Welcome Passion.

everyone.

A new day, a new dawn! A spring in my step and bags of energy this morning as I start DAY 1.

I plan to buy some of the books mentioned up thread. Need to keep momentum and will need some self motivational counselling!

Long talk with DH last night. He also drinks much more than he should and it has actually played a big part in our lives. Very good drinking buddies when we met 20 years ago (I was a student - he is older) and some wild times! I feel he is also reliant to a certain extent but does not suffer the aftermath like I do. He is a very kind man and supports me when I am ill but in some ways I do feel he enables my drinking and is always the one to ensure the drinks cabinet is full. He has agreed to join me in going dry, a decision which has come about after a good deal of denial about the reality of our drinking habits - 'NO IT'S NOT NORMAL!!'

Will crack on now, lots to achieve today after a wasted day yesterday.

Big hugs, Sorcha. You sound so sad.
Don't fudge your thinking though. It is true that you did 7 months - you can do that again, and more. But it doesn't help you to pretend it didn't happen. Only clarity and truth will help. God, it's a fucker though.

Sorry if that seems really brutal. Maybe I have been brainwashed by all these books that I have been reading, but there is a continual emphasis on not allowing yourself to tell yourself soothing little stories. Just face it. Just be honest.

I think it is something we are all prone to do, to a greater or lesser extent, and most people can get away with a certain level of self-serving mildly delusional thinking. Not us though. It’s unfair, like being the sort of person who can never eat a cake or you will put weight on, but that’s how it is.

I am not intending to lecture anyone. And I really can’t, because I am not doing well, myself. Day 1 here.

It all started with the night out with work and since then I drank on Saturday and Sunday too.

I miss the clarity and the energy. I need that back.

Day 1.

Oh Allhail sorry to hear you have had a bad few days. Sounds like you are quite determined to put it behind you, though. I sort of agree with you about us not 'lying to ourselves', but equally think there is no point agonising about what is past. We can't control yesterday or tomorrow. What we CAN do something about is the here and now.

I think the other thing that can get confused in the mind (mine included!) is where responsibility lies. So, we are 'powerless over alcohol', but that shouldn't let us off the hook. What makes sense to me is that once we have some alcohol inside us, we are powerless and our bodies will just crave more of the same - like a heat-seeking missile.

BUT, we CAN exercise self-will and not pick up the FIRST drink. And we need to not shirk away from that fact. I think the key is having tools that we can use when we feel ourselves slipping towards that moment. Whether it's posting here, going to a meeting (if we do AA), reading something useful on addiction, whatever. But making ourselves do that rather than allowing ourselves to go down the inevitable path.

Wishing everyone a happy AF day today, especially to those who are feeling down and disappointed. Hardly anyone goes from big booze problem to 100% permanent sobriety without some hiccups along the way. Doesn't mean you don't get there in the end.

We are strong women and we can do it x

Morning all,

Just checking in to offer encouragement to those struggling and to repeat that well worn cliche - 'if I can do it anyone can'.

Booze has been part of my life for as long as I can remember and now it's not. Five months and 9 days and no desire to drink at the moment. Truly unbelievable ... so please do hang in there everyone. What Merce says is worth repeating

very few go from big booze problems to 100% permanent sobriety without some hiccups along the way. Doesn't mean you don't get there in the end

On a more personal note I got the courage up to get on the scales on Saturday evening, for the first time in months, and I have gained 15lbs since I gave up drinking! 15lbs in five and a half months!

I had mistakenly deluded myself into thinking that cutting out the booze calories would result in automatic weight loss (and actually deluded myself into 'seeing' that loss in the mirror, convincing myself that my belly was getting smaller, even though my clothes were telling me different) Well that's what you read everywhere - 'I gave up for a month and dropped 7lbs' kind of thing, so why I assumed the same would happen to me.

What has actually been happening is that I have been gaining, due to the sheer amount of crap I have been eating - developed a very sweet tooth and eating loads of stodge, plus doing a lot more lying around and sleeping. I have slept a lot since I packed up. First two or three months I was like Rip Van Winkle, it's not quite so bad now but I still sleep a lot more than I did when I was a boozer. Someone said to me that it might be because when you have a hangover you sort of push yourself through it. Work and get going in spite of it, if that makes any sense.

Well whatever the reason, one of the biggest side effects of me giving up drinking is I am a much more 'sleepy' person. Feeling tired mid afternoon and then nodding off in front of the telly in the evenings. Then crawling into bed and sleeping for England. Maybe it's all just part of the healing process - I dunno! Anyway thankfully, it has eased off a bit and apart from needing my 8 hours, I am feeling much less tired in the day.

Having packed up smoking three years ago, and now drinking - I could be in the shape of my life, but instead I have become a cake eating sloth. Seeing those scales was the kick up the backside I needed, and I have had an excellent weekend activity wise and eating wise. I have given my diet a complete overhaul and am now on a mission to get into shape.

Fontella, I sleep loads more now too. And frankly, I think it's a good thing; doing something positive for our bodies for once.

And on the food front - I was appalled (just like you) when I piled on the weight initially. A bit of displacement activity is to be expected in my view when you have an addictive personality…. But I think worth keeping it all in perspective in that cakes are better than alcohol. Full stop. And in time it will probably settle down. I am 2 years 5 months in - and weight now right back down. If anything, my new 'addiction' is healthy eating and exercise - rather like Biggies and her running when her leg is up to it.

Well done for overhauling the diet, but also think well done for not trying to do everything at once/beating yourself up about it.

Thank you so much for that merce!!

That's just what I needed to hear.

I was so despondent on Saturday realising I'd gained over a stone, but then when I sat down and looked at what I'd been eating these past months, coupled with the lack of activity - well, it's no surprise really!

What I can't get my head around is how I self-deluded in the way I did. it was like I saw myself 'slimmer' in the mirror. I would examine my belly and say to myself 'yes it's definitely going down. Even my tight clothes didn't convince me otherwise - don't laugh but I thought maybe it was changing body shape. Or something!

I don't know what was in my head, I really don't!

Anyway, good to hear that you also sleep more and you also piled on the weight initially. Everywhere you look online it's 'I gave up booze and dropped pounds/the weight fell off' and so on, and I just assumed I would be the same, and somehow tricked myself into believing I actually was. When I discovered just the opposite was happening it was a real shock, so it's hugely comforting to know that I'm not the only one to have gained weight after quitting drinking.

Anyway, lesson learned and weight aside, from a general fitness and wellbeing point of view i need to cut out the crap I've been eating. It's really not healthy, nor is the lack of activity.

I feel ready and able to start doing something about it now, and I will. I had a great, positive weekend - walking, cycling and absolutely no stodge or rubbish foodwise, and I intend to keep it up.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience.

Fontella

x

Morning everyone.

I agree with Mab about being honest with yourself about the slips, but also agree with merce that there are hiccups on the way to sobriety. For me, when I slip it reminds me how much I hate drinking. I don't think 7 months should be seen as throwing it all away and starting from scratch at all.

I also have put on weight... I also read all the 'I gave up alcohol and lost a stone in a month' stories and believed the weight would magically fall off. That is why I have now rejoined weightwatchers, hopefully to try and sort it all out- all my unhealthy eating habits.

I am okay this morning. Ending is right that my DFriend wanted to see me for me, not as a drinking buddy. She drank cider and then moved to wine and I drank appeltiser and the subject never really came up. We were too busy talking of other things. But I am feeling a bit itchy and crotchety today and am already craving some wine. There is some left from last night- I need to pour it down the drain.

All the 'I gave up booze and lost weight' stories are from people who gave it up just as part of a health kick (the Elle McPherson types). NOT alcoholics. I think that is why it is different for us. The health nuts who didn't drink in a problematic way don't replace it with anything as they don't need to - it never represented anything more than a nice tasting drink. That is the difference. In my view!

If you check up thread, Fontella, I think you'll see that pretty much all of us gained weight initially. Just part of the process xx

Well done on supporting your friend and staying AF, Cornchips.

It is interesting to me to notice for whom me not drinking is really not an issue, and for whom it is. I have no desire to stop anyone else drinking so if people are going to be weird about me not drinking, I think it really says something about them.

One of the saddest and most difficult things for me is that I, or my parents, (not sure which) can really not cope with me not drinking around them. I need a solution to this.

My brother, on the other hand, who can completely take drink or leave it, shows no interest or concern about what I am drinking, or not, when we meet up.

You are SO right merce about the diff between 'normal' people who drink and us. I replaced by eating the entire fridge. A few times.

I also feel a bit about those who push drinks on you, or who note what you are drinking mab. It makes me wonder what is it about your drinking or not that they are invested in.

I am climbing the walls because that white wine is in the fridge. In an opened bottle. I am going to dump it down the sink now. It is the first time since March we have had white wine in the house.

Dump it down the fridge immediately! Just crazy not to - not fair on yourself.

And I think people who notice what you drink/don't like it when you don't drink definitely have some sort of issue themselves. Normal drinkers don't care/barely notice. I am afraid I used to loathe non-drinkers for that very reason.

Not loathe, but feel uncomfortable around - wish they would drink too etc.

It's dumped. Ouch. It actually hurt. But it is gone. I did it with my eyes closed so I would not see it going down. :(

I am going to take a little walk I think. Get my mind back.